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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this inappropriate to let another man take you and your new baby out

89 replies

Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 07:49

Hey so my friend told me this the other day and I’m not sure about it. She currently pregnant and is nervous of being stuck in all the time with new baby while her hubby works. I get that especially as she can suffer with low mood at time to time and do get worried that she’ll develop PND. She’s disabled so finds it a challenge to get about unfamiliar places on her own although she can take baby out for walks around her neighbourhood. She has this guy friend who she’s close to. He comes over to her house sometimes and they talk on messenger all the time but not in a sleazy way. He’s doing his driving test soon and wants to take her and baby out on wee outings when her hubby is at work so she’s not stuck in all the time. She confides in him about her struggles she’s had and is worried about having. This guy is single currently but is really good around babies and wants one of his own. I think he’s a nice guy but I’ve heard he has a bit of a past with other women when he was in his teens. He’s coming into his mid twenties now and seems to have grown up. I get this guy has genuine care for my friend. I’ve seen it when I visited a few weeks back but I did notice something else. The way they are with each other I don’t know but they seem to just have that way of being really really close. The jokes, the conversations, the playful slapping of arms and the way he looks at her etc has me a bit weirded out. I don’t think anything is going on as she’s faithful to her hubby and they love each other. Her husband is a lovely caring man. I do think she needs to have boundaries though because when she becomes a new mum and is vulnerable then I could see something going down.

am I being unreasonable or should I be concerned?

OP posts:
Simonjt · 03/09/2023 13:33

She’s had past trauma throughout her life and I worry she’ll end up alone with a baby.

Looks like she will if you get your way

JaneIntheBox · 03/09/2023 13:39

I don't understand. Are you saying that he wants to take her out AFTER he passes his driving test? Which, you know, he could fail, and take a few tries before actually passing?
If it's before then you realise your friend a) needs to have a license and if so, is responsible for supervising? Otherwise what he's doing is illegal unless there's another 2 year qualified driver to supervise.

No way in hell would I ride in the car of a newly passed driver, let alone learner with my baby. Why is this not your main concern, rather than whatever other intentions the friend might have?

Also can't believe that nobody else has picked up on this. It's none of our business of course but the very real safety issues would be my concern, if i wanted to concern myself with something. Not well an assumption of an affair or whatever

CassiniG · 03/09/2023 13:58

'No way in hell would I ride in the car of a newly passed driver, let alone learner with my baby. Why is this not your main concern, rather than whatever other intentions the friend might have?'

A newly passed driver is possibly more safer/competent than many drivers who have been driving for years and cut people up, tail gate and switch lanes on roundabouts etc!

CrawleyEstate · 03/09/2023 14:07

WarmButteryCrumpets · 03/09/2023 08:19

The way you've described it, it's obviously an affair waiting to happen (in fact if she's confiding in him about issues in her marriage she's already crossed over into emotional affair territory, in my opinion). But unless she asks for your advice, there's not much you can do about it!

Don’t you ever talk about your marriage with your close friends? Or is it all secret? I definitely chat to my friends and “husband is doing my head in” is a normal topic.

@Anonny22 women are allowed to have friends, and so are mothers.

I went all over the place with a stay at home dad when our kids were little- we were constantly being mistaken for the mother/father of each others kids. It’s really not a big deal.

CherryMaDeara · 03/09/2023 14:10

Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 08:13

I get it’s nothing to do with me and it’s not my life but I’ve never heard of many new mums taking their babies out with other men or am I just prudish? He’s doing his test soon but the baby is due early spring late winter so he’ll be on the road for a while by the time baby is born so unless he’s a reckless driver I’ve no concerns about him driving but I think it’s a little weird that he seems interested in a pregnant woman and she’s not setting many boundaries. What will people think?

Yes, you’re prudish and jealous.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re a gossip too.

Ascendant15 · 03/09/2023 14:10

JaneIntheBox · 03/09/2023 13:39

I don't understand. Are you saying that he wants to take her out AFTER he passes his driving test? Which, you know, he could fail, and take a few tries before actually passing?
If it's before then you realise your friend a) needs to have a license and if so, is responsible for supervising? Otherwise what he's doing is illegal unless there's another 2 year qualified driver to supervise.

No way in hell would I ride in the car of a newly passed driver, let alone learner with my baby. Why is this not your main concern, rather than whatever other intentions the friend might have?

Also can't believe that nobody else has picked up on this. It's none of our business of course but the very real safety issues would be my concern, if i wanted to concern myself with something. Not well an assumption of an affair or whatever

Edited

Well had you actually read the thread, several people have picked up on this and there is more information about this anyway.

OP, I am going to be honest - you are beginning to really piss me off with the drip feed designed to up the ante. Let's throw in that she's disabled. Oh and she might get PND because let's face it, her previous low mood from time to time makes it obvious (no it doesn't - you should read up on PND because that isn't what causes PND). You are no friend of hers posting all this detail about; and in a newsflash, being disabled neither makes you vulnerable nor incompetent.

If this is remotely true, and I am beginning to wonder about the drip feed, then I would be absolutely livid that a friend of mine was not only posting this amount of information about me on a forum, but clearly saw me as some kind of charity case / infant / incompetant that was unable to make decisions about my own life. Maybe she will screw it up. Maybe she won't. But it is definitely not your business to tell her how to live it.

JaneIntheBox · 03/09/2023 14:18

CassiniG · 03/09/2023 13:58

'No way in hell would I ride in the car of a newly passed driver, let alone learner with my baby. Why is this not your main concern, rather than whatever other intentions the friend might have?'

A newly passed driver is possibly more safer/competent than many drivers who have been driving for years and cut people up, tail gate and switch lanes on roundabouts etc!

People say that in theory, but that's not my experience and also not borne out by the statistics.
Young male drivers (below 25) account for more than 80% of road fatalities. 4 times more likely to be killed or seriously injured on the road.

Other countries already have laws restricting what novice drivers can do for this reason, and that includes carrying passengers.
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/driving-friends-lift-ban-deaths-b2325142.html
https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm5801/cmselect/cmtrans/169/16905.htm

The flaw in your assumption is that, having demonstrated safe/competent driving to pass the test new drivers continue these habits. In reality passing is taken as a license to do what they like, including all of the behaviours you mention.

New young drivers could be banned from giving their friends a lift

Roads minister to meet with campaigners on 16 May to discuss scheme previously rejected as unworkable

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/driving-friends-lift-ban-deaths-b2325142.html

JaneIntheBox · 03/09/2023 14:20

Ascendant15 · 03/09/2023 14:10

Well had you actually read the thread, several people have picked up on this and there is more information about this anyway.

OP, I am going to be honest - you are beginning to really piss me off with the drip feed designed to up the ante. Let's throw in that she's disabled. Oh and she might get PND because let's face it, her previous low mood from time to time makes it obvious (no it doesn't - you should read up on PND because that isn't what causes PND). You are no friend of hers posting all this detail about; and in a newsflash, being disabled neither makes you vulnerable nor incompetent.

If this is remotely true, and I am beginning to wonder about the drip feed, then I would be absolutely livid that a friend of mine was not only posting this amount of information about me on a forum, but clearly saw me as some kind of charity case / infant / incompetant that was unable to make decisions about my own life. Maybe she will screw it up. Maybe she won't. But it is definitely not your business to tell her how to live it.

Show quote history

Seriously, where? I had a quick read of all the replies and I don't see anything about it.
Maybe a couple of people have mentioned in passing which explains why I missed it, I read all the OP's posts of course but the whole thread can be too long.
I don't see anyone making it their main point.

BIossomtoes · 03/09/2023 14:20

Nothing to do with you. Mind your own business.

Fallenangelofthenorth · 03/09/2023 14:21

I think you should tell your friend that you are judging her behind her back and posting on mumsnet so that she can decide whether she still wants to be friends with you.

TakeMe2Insanity · 03/09/2023 14:25

I think you have too much time on your hands.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 03/09/2023 14:43

I have make friends and I also have a husband. Should I never be seen in public with any of my friends?! Or I just shouldn’t see them at all?! Purely because I’m married?

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 03/09/2023 14:43

*male

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/09/2023 14:54

The fact he's taking her out on day trips in itself is completely unremarkable. I see no problem with that whatsoever and I certainly don't think that's inappropriate.

Their behaviour does tend to suggest emotional affair territory. But not much you can do about it really.

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