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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this inappropriate to let another man take you and your new baby out

89 replies

Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 07:49

Hey so my friend told me this the other day and I’m not sure about it. She currently pregnant and is nervous of being stuck in all the time with new baby while her hubby works. I get that especially as she can suffer with low mood at time to time and do get worried that she’ll develop PND. She’s disabled so finds it a challenge to get about unfamiliar places on her own although she can take baby out for walks around her neighbourhood. She has this guy friend who she’s close to. He comes over to her house sometimes and they talk on messenger all the time but not in a sleazy way. He’s doing his driving test soon and wants to take her and baby out on wee outings when her hubby is at work so she’s not stuck in all the time. She confides in him about her struggles she’s had and is worried about having. This guy is single currently but is really good around babies and wants one of his own. I think he’s a nice guy but I’ve heard he has a bit of a past with other women when he was in his teens. He’s coming into his mid twenties now and seems to have grown up. I get this guy has genuine care for my friend. I’ve seen it when I visited a few weeks back but I did notice something else. The way they are with each other I don’t know but they seem to just have that way of being really really close. The jokes, the conversations, the playful slapping of arms and the way he looks at her etc has me a bit weirded out. I don’t think anything is going on as she’s faithful to her hubby and they love each other. Her husband is a lovely caring man. I do think she needs to have boundaries though because when she becomes a new mum and is vulnerable then I could see something going down.

am I being unreasonable or should I be concerned?

OP posts:
Chanhedforthis · 03/09/2023 09:52

Is the friend you op?

Sapphire387 · 03/09/2023 09:54

Honestly you are coming across as overly-invested. Let her make her own decisions.

PureAmazonian · 03/09/2023 09:57

As a friend you just have to be there for her in your way, and let her other friends do the same. If she is going to make a mistake like sleep with this man (which I can pretty much guarantee she won't have the energy or the drive for after this baby comes) there isn't much you can do about it. She is an adult and can make her own life decisions.
After this baby is born she will probably only be able to focus on being a mother, I doubt she'll have anything left in her to start kick starting up affairs.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/09/2023 09:58

Just because you feel her boundaries should be in a different place doesn't mean she has none.

If she's happy, her husband is happy and her friend is happy then it's nothing to do with anyone else.

Pleaseme · 03/09/2023 10:04

He’s a friend. I think it’s really kind of him to offer to be a source of support. She’s clearly worried about how she’s going to manage and he is offering to help in response like good friends do.

Werewolfnotswearwolf · 03/09/2023 10:41

Coffeaddict · 03/09/2023 08:17

Is your issue simply that he's male. If this was a female friend would you have the same reservations?

I went out with friends ( both male and female) during my maternity leave. I don't see why your concerned. You realise men and women can just be friends.

Also regarding just passed his test, one of my mum friends passed her driving test while pregnant so she had access to the car during maternity leave

Re test passing: I’d probably be fine if I was the one driving my baby around soon after the test but just would feel very nervous if it was a new driver who wasn’t me! Maybe being silly there.

Either way, the fact he’s male isn’t really an issue. Both of them will probably realise actually that it is quite limiting having a very small baby (and the tiredness that comes with it!) so the days out will be fairly infrequent or a quick trip for coffee or lunch instead.

Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 10:45

.What will people think?

Dear god, who cares?

Bobbotgegrinch · 03/09/2023 10:55

It's absolutely none of your business, butt out!

continentallentil · 03/09/2023 10:57

I think you need to stop stirring the pot.

Leave her to it.

JSmithIloveyou · 03/09/2023 11:02

Why are people saying butt out? She's only being concerned and so would l.. given that she's a good friend. Obviously her husband will know about this.
If he's okay with it.. then l think you should be okay too.. but still be a good friend to her and be there for her.

Amispringy · 03/09/2023 11:13

What the fuck have I just read

Hey OP

Mind yer own

Any issue is between her and her "hubbyEnvy"

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 03/09/2023 11:13

Why are people saying butt out?

Because her friend hasn't asked for help or advice.

Original poster
Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 11:19

She told me the days out or him calling round would likely be once or twice a week to help with the baby and keep her company. If she had boundaries which she probably won’t if shit goes down in her life again then that’s completely fine and great that she has that help but I could see her using him as a distraction for the shit she’s going through. She did that years ago when she was in a toxic relationship which she’s not in anymore but when things get tough she needs that comfort and distraction and I could see it being an affair if she isn’t careful

OP posts:
CassiniG · 03/09/2023 11:48

Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 11:19

She told me the days out or him calling round would likely be once or twice a week to help with the baby and keep her company. If she had boundaries which she probably won’t if shit goes down in her life again then that’s completely fine and great that she has that help but I could see her using him as a distraction for the shit she’s going through. She did that years ago when she was in a toxic relationship which she’s not in anymore but when things get tough she needs that comfort and distraction and I could see it being an affair if she isn’t careful

It's good that you want to be supportive but your level of knowing the ins and outs of her life sound intrusive.

Ascendant15 · 03/09/2023 11:55

Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 11:19

She told me the days out or him calling round would likely be once or twice a week to help with the baby and keep her company. If she had boundaries which she probably won’t if shit goes down in her life again then that’s completely fine and great that she has that help but I could see her using him as a distraction for the shit she’s going through. She did that years ago when she was in a toxic relationship which she’s not in anymore but when things get tough she needs that comfort and distraction and I could see it being an affair if she isn’t careful

Even if it does go that way - and all things are possible in the future because it hasn't happened yet - then it is still, really, none of your business. You are not her protector, and she is not "vulnerable" - she is an adult with mental capacity and therefore makes her own decisions, whether or not they are ones that you or anyone else approves of. You are way too over-invested in her life and what she does; and way too keen on ensuring that her "behaviour" meets your exacting standards. To be honest, you really need to have a long hard look at why your life is so meaningless that you need to be so invested in hers. Everyone is telling you to butt out, and you just come back over and over to say why you are right and nobody else understands. We understand fine - it's you that has the problem understanding that this is none of your business.

As for "if her life goes to shit" (and it's beginning to sound like you almost hope it will) then perhaps that might be because, say, her husband leaves her or has an affair. Like I said, anything can happen. And maybe having kind friends who care about her and are there for her will be what she needs. Although it is questionable about whether that will be you, because you might need to judge her first before you decide.

This is 2023. Stuff happens in life. Friends are there for whatever happens in life, not to police others.

Original poster
Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 12:25

Bump

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 03/09/2023 12:30

Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 09:06

I’m not saying she isn’t allowed friends of both genders. I think she’ll need friends more than ever when this baby arrives especially when she gets her low moods but she just need’s boundaries. I know I sound like a busy body but my friend is vulnerable so I just worry about her

Why do you think she needs boundaries? She’s an adult. This isn’t a new friend. She can live her own life without you babying her.

Lehenaghmore · 03/09/2023 12:34

Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 12:25

Bump

You have had a lot of replies already, mostly saying ‘Butt out’. Are you hoping people will start agreeing with you if you keep bumping? Maybe get a Mn match to collect under her window with NO TAKING YOUR BABY OUT WITH MALE FRIENDS, YOU BOUNDARY-LESS HUSSY banners.

Bobbotgegrinch · 03/09/2023 12:36

Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 12:25

Bump

Why are you bumping something that loads of people replied to? In some cases 15 mins before your "bump".

It's still none of your business. Butt out.

bongopow · 03/09/2023 12:37

He sounds like a better friend to her than you are being. What will people think? Seriously? I feel like we have gone back in time.

Maybe there are mutual feelings there. Maybe an affair will happen. Maybe the three of them will end up in a polyamorous relationship. Maybe this is all a long con to get her involved in his illicit exotic pet trading business.

I find the level of investment you have in her relationship to be the most inappropriate part of all of this. It's completely between her and her husband. She's a grown woman and whether or not you think her vulnerable it's her life and her choice.

If she asks your advice then by all means tell her your concerns.

If this all goes wrong then you either stick around to pick up the pieces or you don't.

But the tone of your posts almost has me convinced you must be one of the people involved in this situation as I can't understand how you could otherwise be so invested in it.

Anotherchristianmama · 03/09/2023 12:45

What will people think?

Nothing if you don't go gossiping and judging about it.

Anotherchristianmama · 03/09/2023 12:46

Also what support are you actually offering her?

SplendidUtterly · 03/09/2023 12:49

If her DH doesn't mind then neither should you.

CassiniG · 03/09/2023 12:58

What are you now looking for in this thread by bumping it?

Most agree that your level of interest in your friends life is over the top.

Original poster
Anonny22 · 03/09/2023 13:32

I understand her life has got nothing really to do with me but I do worry. She’s had past trauma throughout her life and I worry she’ll end up alone with a baby. She’s disabled and no that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a mind of her own but she’s cheated in the past. Not on her husband but a toxic ex when she was in a really bad place. Not saying she’ll definitely cheat again but if she’s put in a bad place again like she has been several times throughout her life then she may let boundaries slip because she craves comfort and validation. She’s prone to mental health and low mood. Her husband is close to his family but her family misunderstand her and treat her like a child at times. I dread to think what sort of place she will end up in if shit hits the fan with this pregnancy. Maybe this guy will be just a friend and she may find him good to have around to help and support her when hubby is working as getting about alone is difficult for her if she doesn’t know the place. She tells me how great this guy is and how great her husband is too. I know I’m probably being OTT but one comment that she said was that if she ended up a single mum she would put her child into care which I think is a bit extreme. I asked her why and she said it’s because people walk out on me a lot throughout my life and I need a good support network. I did voice my concerns to her about him and she said she needs him around and she feels flattered by the attention and that he shows great care for her. Her hubby knows him as he visits the house regularly but doesn’t know the extent of it. I did witness them being a bit too close and a bit flirty with each other when I was around and her hubby was at work. I don’t know

OP posts: