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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH has really triggered me

55 replies

hahavzv · 02/09/2023 21:14

So I've come home after having the kids for the whole day and my husband decides that he needs to cut the grass and he got rid of my favourite rose bush that I've had in the garden ever since we bought the house. The flowers were so pretty and is something I would look forward to seeing in the summer.

His argument was that it was dead. But it was flowering so don't know what he has seen/thought.

The worst thing is he's been slacking in general when it comes to maintaining the house. I'm always the one painting or any diy things that need to be done in the house. He will never start it because simply out of being lazy. He does spend time out everyday and it kills me that he still can't help me out.

So when he got rid of that bush I absolutely got triggered. My thoughts were you touched the thing I never asked you to do but struggle to do the things I need help with.

I don't get it. Anyway rant over.

OP posts:
CarasMama · 02/09/2023 21:49

Might he have hurt himself on the thorns whilst mowing the lawn? If he did (and he was anything like my husband) he may have ripped it out in a quick impulsive moment of temper.

Or (again like my husband) he may have accidentally badly damaged it with his lazy mowing then dug it up to finish the job.

Libraryloiterer · 02/09/2023 21:57

I don't think you know what triggered means

Donotshushme · 02/09/2023 22:23

Where is the rose now? Can you replant/take a cutting?

HarrietJet · 02/09/2023 22:27

So when he got rid of that bush I absolutely got triggered
What on earth does this mean?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/09/2023 22:28

It’s not what triggered means.

But yanbu to be very annoyed that he did this.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/09/2023 22:29

What do you mean 'got triggered'?

deClutterBugz · 02/09/2023 22:30

Digging up the rise bush is annoying and inconsiderate.

Not doing his fair share around the house is lazy and inconsiderate.

I don’t think ‘triggered’ is the right phrase here though.

DinaofCloud9 · 02/09/2023 22:30

Triggered?

DojaPhat · 02/09/2023 22:34

I'd understand your use of the word triggered if the contempt he showed towards you by cutting down the rose bush recalled specific memories or brought back feelings of instances of similar occurrences where someone supposedly close to you did something intentionally mean but on the surface quite unremarkable. If he does things like this regularly far from being a loving husband it basically means he hates you and grabs any opportunity to take away your happiness. People like this act in these very specific and intentional ways, taking away your happiness is more than just provoking an argument (where there need not be one) or laziness as such, it's very thought out and very malicious.

Pixiedust1234 · 02/09/2023 22:34

He did it on purpose because you have annoyed him in some way. It won't have been planned but it would have been deliberate. My DH used to do this too. Even the kids picked up on him sabotaging things I cherished but it always got turned back on me for being too sensitive/dramatic or it will grow back it's fine or the best one "I cant do anything right I don't know why I bother to do anything" huff before going back into bone idleness mode.

Chiccaletta · 02/09/2023 22:50

Pixiedust1234 · 02/09/2023 22:34

He did it on purpose because you have annoyed him in some way. It won't have been planned but it would have been deliberate. My DH used to do this too. Even the kids picked up on him sabotaging things I cherished but it always got turned back on me for being too sensitive/dramatic or it will grow back it's fine or the best one "I cant do anything right I don't know why I bother to do anything" huff before going back into bone idleness mode.

Just because your DH would have done it on purpose, doesnt mean OPs one did 🙄

From the main post he just sounds lazy and prob only did it cause he accidentally broke it or did it to make his small job of mowing the lawn even quicker and easier in future.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/09/2023 22:51

Has he done it to punish you for asking him to ‘help’? Has he deliberately done something awful so you don’t ask again?

Thelonelygiraffe · 02/09/2023 22:59

CarasMama · 02/09/2023 21:49

Might he have hurt himself on the thorns whilst mowing the lawn? If he did (and he was anything like my husband) he may have ripped it out in a quick impulsive moment of temper.

Or (again like my husband) he may have accidentally badly damaged it with his lazy mowing then dug it up to finish the job.

Edited

Wtf???

You sound like you have a shit husband.

Stop making excuses for him 🙄

Changingplace · 02/09/2023 23:04

This isn’t what triggered means.

Did he dig up the rose bush or has he chopped it down? If it’s just chopped it’ll come back next year.

CarasMama · 02/09/2023 23:09

Thelonelygiraffe · 02/09/2023 22:59

Wtf???

You sound like you have a shit husband.

Stop making excuses for him 🙄

Show quote history

How does being a hilariously hopeless gardener make him a shit husband?

He's everything I could ask for in a man, but he's shit at gardening and understandably has lazy weekends after his 60+ hour work weeks.
Seriously giraffe, next you'd be saying that's grounds for divorce!

BigOldBlue1 · 02/09/2023 23:11

That's really sad OP, I feel for you. Whatever his reason, it was cruel. He knows how much you loved it

CliantheLang · 02/09/2023 23:36

To all the women who don't understand the dictionary definition of the word "triggered": please take your concerns over to Pedant's Corner where it belongs. You're derailing the thread.

Weaponised incompetence is very triggering to those of us who have been exposed to it.

Brandyb · 02/09/2023 23:41

CliantheLang · 02/09/2023 23:36

To all the women who don't understand the dictionary definition of the word "triggered": please take your concerns over to Pedant's Corner where it belongs. You're derailing the thread.

Weaponised incompetence is very triggering to those of us who have been exposed to it.

Hear hear!

I totally understand what op meant by it, it succinctly encapsulated that sudden feeling of oh shit now I see him and I'm angry

Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 23:46

I think you need to educate yourself on the use of the word triggered. Being triggered is incredibly distressing and not sure if you should just throw it about carelessly.

CassiniG · 02/09/2023 23:49

Has he been to the tip?

We dug out some old roses that actually looked dead and the roots were left in a pile of weeds ready to be banged and taken to the top.

After four days I saw a little green shoot on one of them and I replanted it and it has rewarded me with beautiful roses each year.

Your rose bush may be saved.

Dotcheck · 02/09/2023 23:50

Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 23:46

I think you need to educate yourself on the use of the word triggered. Being triggered is incredibly distressing and not sure if you should just throw it about carelessly.

So…..

You're triggered by the mid- use of the word ‘triggered’?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/09/2023 23:53

Brandyb · 02/09/2023 23:41

Hear hear!

I totally understand what op meant by it, it succinctly encapsulated that sudden feeling of oh shit now I see him and I'm angry

Show quote history

Respectfully disagree and think it’s pretty offensive to equate an incompetent husband to someone who’s experienced trauma. I think that’s widely accepted on mumsnet TBH, nobody puts a trigger warning on a thread about a husband who hasn’t unpacked the dishwasher 🙄

Brandyb · 03/09/2023 00:58

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/09/2023 23:53

Respectfully disagree and think it’s pretty offensive to equate an incompetent husband to someone who’s experienced trauma. I think that’s widely accepted on mumsnet TBH, nobody puts a trigger warning on a thread about a husband who hasn’t unpacked the dishwasher 🙄

Show quote history

I'm listening. Sorry for my ignorance. I need to think on that. Triggering is not the word.

However I don't think the OP is talking about "an incompetent husband". I think she's referring to the underhand cruel, vindictive (deliberately undermining) drive her husband seems to have, and wondering how she ended up here.

There needs to be a word for this, then. That sudden realization your most intimate person could be a bit of an enemy

truthhurts23 · 03/09/2023 01:03

it was malicious

CurlewKate · 03/09/2023 01:13

@CarasMama "How does being a hilariously hopeless gardener make him a shit husband?"

It doesn't.However, destroying something someone else loved in "a quick impulsive moment of temper" after a minor inconvenience does.