Walked out of a social event

HorseYoga · 2023-09-02T15:04:07+00:00

Sounds more dramatic than it is. I didn’t flounce. I have always had issues with social anxiety, and menopause has made them worse than ever. A school mum friend is hosting drinks for her daughter’s birthday today and I just went down there with DD. DD has serious social anxiety so can’t go alone. It took a few minutes but DD eventually joined her friends to say hello and catch up after the summer. I quietly left. I’d been there for not even 10 minutes! AIBU to tell myself it really doesn’t matter? I don’t belong. All the other parents in this group do things together and I’m not invited. Neither DD nor I are NT and I’m embarrassed about being so boring and inappropriate. It’s just embarrassing to be there and have them smile at me politely when they’re not interested in the slightest. AIBU to have come home and sat on the sofa MNetting and eating chocolate on my own? It’s the last year of primary and I know we’ll never see them after that. DD will be going to a special school.

MidnightOnceMore · 02/09/2023 16:07

Is your DD ok there alone? If so then it is fine, if not you might have to steel yourself to go back.

LaBellina · 02/09/2023 16:07

As long as you were polite, greeted the hostess and left without upsetting anyone during the time you were there, how does it matter? Parties don’t get better if there are people who hate being there but feel forced to stay and life is too short to make yourself miserable this way. You did the polite thing by showing your face and I think that’s all they can expect of you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2023 16:07

Would it not have been better to just decline the invitation in the first place?

Lehenaghmore · 02/09/2023 16:12

Surely, if your daughter has such severe social anxiety, you should have let her know you were leaving, or stayed on? I imagine lots of primary aged kids, even NT ones, being disconcerted that a parent they thought was there suddenly wasn’t. My sociable DS, who is a young 11, would be.

Stratocumulus · 02/09/2023 16:13

I’m sure no one at the gathering thought anything of it at all. So long as your DD settled in, there’s nothing to worry about. Relaaax. Life always gets better after chocolate.

Original poster

HorseYoga · 02/09/2023 16:13

MidnightOnceMore · 02/09/2023 16:07

Is your DD ok there alone? If so then it is fine, if not you might have to steel yourself to go back.

She’s fine,the children went to play in the park and she will come home on her own when she’s ready. I told her I was heading home.

OP posts:

Lonicerax · 02/09/2023 16:16

Just don't beat yourself up about it. What you did was sensible - youre not part of the group, don't want to chat, just go home !

SecretShambles · 02/09/2023 16:17

Did you say you were going or just left

The latter I think doesn't sound great not to even say goodbye

Original poster

HorseYoga · 02/09/2023 16:18

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2023 16:07

Would it not have been better to just decline the invitation in the first place?

Well, I guess hindsight is 20/20. I really couldn’t have foreseen that everyone would be sitting around the table inside with no room for me, and I’d have had to go sit in the garden on my own like a lemon. I think if it was a group of MY friends I could have gone to stand over one of them and chat but you really can’t do that if you don’t know people well as they can’t exactly get rid of you! It was just so awkward.

OP posts:

User562377 · 02/09/2023 16:21

I really couldn’t have foreseen that everyone would be sitting around the table inside with no room for me, and I’d have had to go sit in the garden on my own like a lemon

That is so rude. I'm sorry that happened to you. I wouldn't have stayed either. I hope dd has fun at the park

DonnaBanana · 02/09/2023 16:21

I can assure you the host won’t be sitting there fretting over it, and if they do, they’re a bit weird and not worth worrying about. If you were best friends with the host or something then sure.

Lehenaghmore · 02/09/2023 16:24

Did you tell the host as well as your daughter that you were leaving? I think that, regardless of your neurodiverse status, you have a responsibility to model an ability to cope with social situations for short periods, especially as a parent with social anxiety whose child is also severely socially anxious.

And if your child has friends in her class who live locally, why wouldn’t she still see them, even if they attend different secondaries?

Saschka · 02/09/2023 16:26

User562377 · 02/09/2023 16:21

I really couldn’t have foreseen that everyone would be sitting around the table inside with no room for me, and I’d have had to go sit in the garden on my own like a lemon

That is so rude. I'm sorry that happened to you. I wouldn't have stayed either. I hope dd has fun at the park

Yep, I wouldn’t call that “walking out of a social situation” so much as “taking the hint”. I’m NT and I wouldn’t have stayed in that situation either, it’s obvious you weren’t welcome. I don’t think many people would hang around when they were clearly being excluded.

What a bunch of bitches, OP! If you invite somebody to your house, you make sure they are having fun/feeling part of things.

Original poster

HorseYoga · 02/09/2023 16:28

Lehenaghmore · 02/09/2023 16:24

Did you tell the host as well as your daughter that you were leaving? I think that, regardless of your neurodiverse status, you have a responsibility to model an ability to cope with social situations for short periods, especially as a parent with social anxiety whose child is also severely socially anxious.

And if your child has friends in her class who live locally, why wouldn’t she still see them, even if they attend different secondaries?

you have a responsibility to model an ability to cope with social situations for short periods

I agree but… I can’t! It would be like saying I have a responsibility to model an ability to speak Italian. I simply couldn’t do it today.

Perimenopause has really been kicking my arse and I’ve had a miserable summer. Today just turned out to be… something I was unable to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

HorseYoga · 02/09/2023 16:33

Saschka · 02/09/2023 16:26

Yep, I wouldn’t call that “walking out of a social situation” so much as “taking the hint”. I’m NT and I wouldn’t have stayed in that situation either, it’s obvious you weren’t welcome. I don’t think many people would hang around when they were clearly being excluded.

What a bunch of bitches, OP! If you invite somebody to your house, you make sure they are having fun/feeling part of things.

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I didn’t realise how bad it was until I wrote it down. I truly don’t think it was intentional, just the timing of when I turned up. Someone more thick-skinned than me would probably just have found a chair somewhere or brought one in from the garden or I don’t know what. I think it’s just that I’m a bit invisible to them.

There is one friend of DD’s whose mother I think really doesn’t like me. She always leaves me standing in the hallway when I go to pick DD up. It gives me the feeling that I’m perhaps hard to get rid of and she doesn’t want to even start talking to me.

Social anxiety is hell, I swear.

OP posts:

TeamSleep · 02/09/2023 16:37

YANBU and don’t beat yourself up about it. You have every right to leave a situation where you are made to not feel welcome. You were there when your daughter needed you and then you left when she didn’t need you anymore. Enjoy your chocolate!

I always wait around in the hallway when picking up my DC from play dates and I leave other parents in the hallway when they’re picking up their DC! I have a bit of social anxiety too so now I’m worried this is wrong!

Janieforever · 02/09/2023 16:44

HorseYoga · 02/09/2023 16:18

Well, I guess hindsight is 20/20. I really couldn’t have foreseen that everyone would be sitting around the table inside with no room for me, and I’d have had to go sit in the garden on my own like a lemon. I think if it was a group of MY friends I could have gone to stand over one of them and chat but you really can’t do that if you don’t know people well as they can’t exactly get rid of you! It was just so awkward.

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Ok, did you go over and say hello? Speak to the host? I don’t understand why you’d have to sit in the garden. Generally if you go over soneone will get a chair, was their none anywhere you could pull up?

or was it not possible for you to go over and say hello today?

bonzaitree · 02/09/2023 16:48

I would have said to the hostess:

Hi, how are you. I’m fine - thanks for having DD, really appreciate it I know she will enjoy. Got to run as I have [insert plausible excuse] but I’ll be back around [time] to pick her up. Have a lovely day, any issues just text. See you later!

Job done!

Janieforever · 02/09/2023 16:49

TeamSleep · 02/09/2023 16:37

YANBU and don’t beat yourself up about it. You have every right to leave a situation where you are made to not feel welcome. You were there when your daughter needed you and then you left when she didn’t need you anymore. Enjoy your chocolate!

I always wait around in the hallway when picking up my DC from play dates and I leave other parents in the hallway when they’re picking up their DC! I have a bit of social anxiety too so now I’m worried this is wrong!

Hang on, calm your guns. The op hasn’t even said if she went and said hello.

Original poster

HorseYoga · 02/09/2023 16:50

Janieforever · 02/09/2023 16:44

Ok, did you go over and say hello? Speak to the host? I don’t understand why you’d have to sit in the garden. Generally if you go over soneone will get a chair, was their none anywhere you could pull up?

or was it not possible for you to go over and say hello today?

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Tiny space, very crowded, we made it in the door (ground floor flat). I had some flowers for the host so we had to stand there for a minute, then the only place to go was through to the garden or else just stand there in the way. So yes I said hello to the host and I could have asked for a drink/cake or helped myself - I know her well enough - but I was also dealing with DD who was a bit freaked out.

It’s a bit hard to explain but picture a crowded London flat with an odd layout!

OP posts:

Highdaysandholidays1 · 02/09/2023 16:56

I think you did fine- you turned up, took flowers, said hi to the host, let your dd find her friends, made arrangements with your dd, then left. I don't think any massive social faux pas has occurred.

CountessWindyBottom · 02/09/2023 16:56

Aaaaaand breathe @HorseYoga . I think you're having a bad day. I doubt you are boring or inappropriate and I doubt they are bitches. You said it took a while for your daughter to join in the fun so I assume everyone had pulled up a chair. You wouldn't have had to sit alone in the garden as a simple 'do you have another chair?' would have been fine BUT I can completely understand how difficult this would have been if you have social anxiety and are being plagued by your poxy hormones. Perhaps you just weren't feeling today and that is ok but I don't think you need to descend into a dark hole of introspection and self flagellation. You said that you have your own friends so you obviously have nice qualities and are able to forge friendships. Today wasn't your day. I don't have social anxiety but have been in situations like this before, recognise I am not feeling it and leave. As you were invited, you could perhaps text the host, apologise for having to leave (had migraine/felt a bit under the weather) and enjoy your chocolate. It is all ok xx

Normandyapplecake · 02/09/2023 16:56

Hi OP I've had social anxiety for a long time to but am slowly beating it with my own brand of cbt. I now think to myself do I really like these people/ care what they think of me and sadly most of the time the answer is no so I worry less than I used to. I have decided that whatever happens in a social situation I am going to continue being friendly and kind but also be friendly and kind to myself eg not care at all what others think of me and try my best to enjoy myself. In the situation you found yourself in today I would have done exactly the very thing you did!

CremeEggThief · 02/09/2023 17:00

Janieforever, you are coming across as very insensitive to me!

Surely a good host would have made the effort to welcome the guest first, regardless of whether they were aware of anxiety issues?

It's too big an ask for most people with social anxiety to make the first move, especially in a situation when you're the individual approaching a group!

Have you any idea of all the obstacles the OP probably had to face to make it to the gathering? Because it doesn't seem so from your post ...

Grendell · 02/09/2023 17:04

I'm an extrovert. I don't have social anxiety.
If I go to a social function and the vibe is off, the dynamics are weird, I leave, without giving it a second thought.
You're fine!