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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of a social event

68 replies

HorseYoga · 02/09/2023 16:04

Sounds more dramatic than it is. I didn’t flounce.

I have always had issues with social anxiety, and menopause has made them worse than ever.

A school mum friend is hosting drinks for her daughter’s birthday today and I just went down there with DD. DD has serious social anxiety so can’t go alone.

It took a few minutes but DD eventually joined her friends to say hello and catch up after the summer. I quietly left. I’d been there for not even 10 minutes!

AIBU to tell myself it really doesn’t matter? I don’t belong. All the other parents in this group do things together and I’m not invited. Neither DD nor I are NT and I’m embarrassed about being so boring and inappropriate. It’s just embarrassing to be there and have them smile at me politely when they’re not interested in the slightest. AIBU to have come home and sat on the sofa MNetting and eating chocolate on my own? It’s the last year of primary and I know we’ll never see them after that. DD will be going to a special school.

OP posts:
Visciousviscose · 02/09/2023 17:10

This reply has been deleted

We've deleted this - something odd happened with the formatting which made it hard to read.

EyesEars · 02/09/2023 17:11

They sound socially inappropriate, not you.

MinnieMouse0 · 02/09/2023 17:12

I walked out of my friends birthday party last year 🥲 literally got up, was able to grab her to say bye, jumped in my car and left. Sometimes it’s just too much and that’s fine!

Fingeronthebutton · 02/09/2023 17:14

I’m more concerned that you let a child with anxiety issues come home from the park on her own when she felt like it.

Original poster
HorseYoga · 02/09/2023 17:18

Fingeronthebutton · 02/09/2023 17:14

I’m more concerned that you let a child with anxiety issues come home from the park on her own when she felt like it.

You can relax on that one. I know her through and through. It’s ok.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 02/09/2023 17:23

I don't blame you. I would have done the same. That must have been really uncomfortable for you.

Ughhelp · 02/09/2023 17:26

Don’t worry. Have been there. Ideally I would stay, but sometimes it just isn’t possible. Don’t beat yourself up afterwards.

Janieforever · 02/09/2023 17:29

HorseYoga · 02/09/2023 16:50

Tiny space, very crowded, we made it in the door (ground floor flat). I had some flowers for the host so we had to stand there for a minute, then the only place to go was through to the garden or else just stand there in the way. So yes I said hello to the host and I could have asked for a drink/cake or helped myself - I know her well enough - but I was also dealing with DD who was a bit freaked out.

It’s a bit hard to explain but picture a crowded London flat with an odd layout!

Show quote history

Ok, that’s good, sounds like it was just really busy with no space. Some folks jumped to conclusions, the usual online hyperbole. I just didn’t want you to think they were horrible, it seems they were not.

it’s fine in this to just disappear, it was busy, you said hi, it’s all good. Don’t worry.

Smartstuffed · 02/09/2023 17:30

I don't think you were rude if I were standing and everyone else seated I'd hope there'd be some attempt to get me a place at the table. Otherwise I'd think there was some pretty crap hostessing going on... I'm ND and depending on my mood I'd either be asking if there was another seat anywhere and be getting them to budge up, or I'd leave.

The thing I wouldn't do, personally, is take a seat outside - only because I'd feel that would just highlight my 'different-ness' and leave me feeling more apart from everyone else. But I appreciate OP you wished to make sure your daughter was settled and happy before leaving.

The peri-menopause/menopause diminishing confidence is a common experience for most women. But it can hit even harder when there's a ND in the mix. Speaking from experience it exacerbated all the negative aspects of my n-diversity and left me very low. The good news is it shouldn't last for ever. I went back to being as irrepressible. (annoying) as ever!

GigiAnnna · 02/09/2023 17:34

I think you were ok to do what you did. Life's too short to do things you don't want to do with people you don't like. Obviously some things we don't like are unavoidable but this wasn't one of them.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 02/09/2023 17:35

A good host should welcome her guest/s show them where to sit, or introduce them to others, chat with them for a little while until the next guests comes to the door or she feels they’ve settled or are at ease then excuse herself and do whatever she needs to do. It’s what I do anyway.

Flakey99 · 02/09/2023 17:41

@HorseYoga

There is one friend of DD’s whose mother I think really doesn’t like me. She always leaves me standing in the hallway when I go to pick DD up. It gives me the feeling that I’m perhaps hard to get rid of and she doesn’t want to even start talking to me.

So maybe this mum is also anxious, unable to do simple chit chat and also runs away from social situations just like you did today, but she’s the one with the problem??

okaaaay…!

Have you read through the many posts on this thread from others who find social situations difficult?

Maybe you need to stop assuming that everyone else is fine and dandy and ignoring you on purpose and it’s only you who struggles in these situations? Stop jumping in to play the victim at every opportunity and accept that other mums aren’t perfect either.

You’re an adult and as a parent, it’s up to you to step up and take some responsibility for managing social situations, especially when they affect your daughter.

LongDarkTeatime · 02/09/2023 17:43

Sounds like you did the right thing OP. You made sure your daughter overcame her anticipatory anxiety and got to enjoy herself. Sounds like she’s safe. Plus you showed her it’s OK to leave a situation which doesn’t feel right/inviting.
These mum’s sound like THEY lack social skills. We had a similar group at our primary. The Queen Bee was plain nasty. My only regret from lockdown was that I didn’t get to do our last ever school gate pick-up with shop skip and a jump on leaving 😁

SpamFrittersYouSay · 02/09/2023 17:44

I'm a bit concerned that, by your own words, your daughter's social anxiety is worse than yours' so you left her there?!

HamBone · 02/09/2023 17:52

You did your best, you got your daughter to the party and settled her with her friends, it’s fine, OP. 💐

I’m diagnosed with GAD and social anxiety was part of it for me- like you, I was terrified in these social situations. I asked my doctor for help, had a short course of CBT and have been on a low dose (10mg) of Escitalopram for several years now. I still get butterflies sometimes, but it’s no longer overwhelming.

It might be worth asking for some help. I remember crying when DD (now 18) was a toddler, because I just couldn’t take her to a neighbor’s bbq. I couldn’t face the group of people. Now I can do these things fairly easily.

Greensleeves · 02/09/2023 17:54

Lehenaghmore · 02/09/2023 16:24

Did you tell the host as well as your daughter that you were leaving? I think that, regardless of your neurodiverse status, you have a responsibility to model an ability to cope with social situations for short periods, especially as a parent with social anxiety whose child is also severely socially anxious.

And if your child has friends in her class who live locally, why wouldn’t she still see them, even if they attend different secondaries?

Do you tell parents with physical disabilities that they have to responsibly to model healthy walking and sporting habits as well? Horrible, bigoted comment.

Goldbar · 02/09/2023 17:57

HorseYoga · 02/09/2023 16:18

Well, I guess hindsight is 20/20. I really couldn’t have foreseen that everyone would be sitting around the table inside with no room for me, and I’d have had to go sit in the garden on my own like a lemon. I think if it was a group of MY friends I could have gone to stand over one of them and chat but you really can’t do that if you don’t know people well as they can’t exactly get rid of you! It was just so awkward.

Show quote history

Incredibly poor hosting. And poor behaviour by the other guests not to make room for you.

Catsnap · 02/09/2023 18:03

I think you did the right thing for you and your daughter. I’d get some help with the peri menopause symptoms though. I used to have to leave numerous social functions, sometimes rather suddenly, due to panic attacks. It’s the absolute pits because I’d feel guilty as well as terrified. But it couldn’t be helped.

MadamWhiteleigh · 02/09/2023 18:09

Mate, I’m pretty sociable and extroverted but if an event isn’t working for me, I have no qualms about leaving, politely.

Poivresel · 02/09/2023 18:14

Daffodilsandtuplips · 02/09/2023 17:35

A good host should welcome her guest/s show them where to sit, or introduce them to others, chat with them for a little while until the next guests comes to the door or she feels they’ve settled or are at ease then excuse herself and do whatever she needs to do. It’s what I do anyway.

Exactly this.

hopeishere · 02/09/2023 18:15

I'd not quietly leave. There's no harm in leaving but I would have let the host know I was leaving.

CurlewKate · 02/09/2023 18:16

Are you sure they wouldn't have budged up when they saw you?

Oh, and does the host know it's OK for your dd to come home alone and will she tell her when she's leaving? I can imagine being freaked out if a child suddenly disappeared from a party!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/09/2023 18:24

There's not a huge amount of detail so I can tell if YWBU or not. How old is your daughter? Was this drinks that was reallly for the girls only and parents weren't expected to stay unless they felt like it? Would you not normally talk as part of a group to these women at other events or at school? Is your usual routine in front of these women NOT to stay, and hence they didn't get you a chair because you usually just leave as soon as you can? If you usually refuse to stay, have you ever thought that you may cause other people to feel uncomfortable or rejected or not worth your time?

I do have sympathy. I'm an introvert who grew up feeling very anxious in social situations. I prefer just one or two other friends to spend time with, I'm not keen on large group events, and didn't enjoy parties until I was late teens and even then I would fret about stuff. To be honest even now I'm not totally relaxed around people I don't know well, or at all, till I've had a couple of drinks. I'm also perimenopausal and the anxiety is hell, I agree. But when my kids were younger, I really made an effort for their sake even if I felt uncomfortable. I used to talk myself through it "what is the worst that can happen if I sit down and no-one talks to me, and what will I do? I will get my phone out,check my messages and if I still feel ignored even if I myself have tried to make conversation, I will make an excuse that someone has messaged about something or I have a headache or appointment or something that leave." Once I knew I had a solution to a problem if it crept up then it relieved the anxiety a bit.

Gradually you learn the little phrases and actions you can take when people are being a bit dense wtih taking the hint about things like needing to find an extra chair. eg "Room for a little one?" if a chair was nearby and pulled it up. Or just found the person you get on well with most and asked them how they are/what they've been up to. Or ask them something about school.

Basically, I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable by MY discomfort so I fake it till I make it type of thing and 9 times out of 10 the conversation will start to flow more naturally and I find myself relaxing.

Of course, real mean girls will always be mean girls and you soon get to know which are mean girls and which are women who just don't know you that well and are unsure how to take you.. I don't bother if I feel real mean girl vibes - just wouldn't want to waste my time on horrible people like that.

But you know, most people aren't horrible. And worth a try sometimes. Because one day you will HAVE to be the host or someone close to the host eg at a loved one's funeral. Or attend a confrence or training event where the dreaded networking is expected. You just can't dash off and hide in those kind of situations. (well, maybe at some work events, just for a little while. 😆

Daffidale · 02/09/2023 18:25

AIBU to have come home and sat on the sofa MNetting and eating chocolate on my own?

If you’ll enjoy that more than being in that awkward social situation with people you don’t like very much/have much in common with (which this sounds like) then honestly I say:

You do you!

Nothing unreasonable at all about doing what you enjoy and not what Other People think you should.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/09/2023 18:28

Poivresel · 02/09/2023 18:14

Exactly this.

Show quote history

Sometimes the host simply can't stay with a guest who's just arrived, though. eg timer on oven going off, someone shouting from the kitchen asking where something is, a child needing attention, doorbell going or phone ringing. And even if that's not the case, sometimes people are not natural hosts, or they are anxious themselves and forget their manners momentarily, or just don't know who to prioritise first. Hosting is a skill that you can improve with practice, but sometimes leaving a guest to attend to something else almost immediately is unavoidable.