Walked out of a social event

[HorseYoga]

Sounds more dramatic than it is. I didn’t flounce.

I have always had issues with social anxiety, and menopause has made them worse than ever.

A school mum friend is hosting drinks for her daughter’s birthday today and I just went down there with DD. DD has serious social anxiety so can’t go alone.

It took a few minutes but DD eventually joined her friends to say hello and catch up after the summer. I quietly left. I’d been there for not even 10 minutes!

AIBU to tell myself it really doesn’t matter? I don’t belong. All the other parents in this group do things together and I’m not invited. Neither DD nor I are NT and I’m embarrassed about being so boring and inappropriate. It’s just embarrassing to be there and have them smile at me politely when they’re not interested in the slightest. AIBU to have come home and sat on the sofa MNetting and eating chocolate on my own? It’s the last year of primary and I know we’ll never see them after that. DD will be going to a special school.

Please be careful of how you use the word "bigoted". That is really far too strong a word in this context.

I’m actually most baffled by someone hosting a drinks party for an 11yr old’s birthday!

I definitely agree with this and I can’t fault the hostess, she had her hands full with offering drinks and cake to everyone.

This group are definitely not Mean Girls, they’re actually (a mixed sex group of parents) all very nice people, it’s just that I really don’t fit in and I no longer have the energy to try. I just don’t.

I used to do the “fake it till you make it” thing, pretty much my whole life, which is how it eventually, after years and years, became obvious that I was autistic. That and my ND kids.

I’m well aware that other people have social issues too, but that doesn’t change the fact that I can be inappropriate and intense and I just really can’t deal with the anxiety hangover any more. I’m not ashamed of or embarrassed about my DD, but I realised immediately when we arrived that I simply did not have the energy to jolly her along. Nobody ever believes that I have diagnosed social anxiety because I don’t show it, but I’m exhausted after years of having to push myself forward to support DD and I just really don’t want to have to stand out any more.

This.

You say your daughter is going to a Special school after Primary and has severe social anxiety? If so, you're happy to let a child who needs additional support to not only go to the park unaccompanied but wander home whenever she feels like it?,That's really worrying.

Highly recommended! Children’s party on a separate day, and on another day all the adults get together.

Then YWBU to leave. But if you have a daughter who is similar, don't you think it's mean on her that you just sloped off without saying anything, and assume that she was ok to come back from her own from the park? I worry that you think it's ok to just leave her. If you're a parent, whether NT or ND, your own needs don't trump that of your child. I mean, if you had spoken to someone (including your daughter), let them know you were leaving and ascertained that DD would have a safe way to get home eg you would go back to pick her up or one of the other parents would drop her off, or couple of the girls would walk her back, that's one thing. But to just slope off and no-one knows what's going on or if you're there or not, and assume that DD will be ok...... That's just not right, I'm sorry.

Then YWBU to leave. Typo, sorry. YWNBU to leave.

@CurlyhairedAssassin I'm quite comfortable with my use of the word, thank you. Ableism is bigotry. ND people are thoroughly sick of it.

@CurlyhairedAssassin don’t worry, I spoke to DD - I was upset when I wrote the post and didn’t word it very well at all. She knew exactly where I was and what the plan was, there was no problem there. She knows I’d never run off on her.

I am with HorseYoga on this one

You say your daughter has sever anxiety but you left her on her own?
Seems like you're exaggerating her needs
Also I wonder if there is some learnt behaviour

Seems like you're exaggerating her needs

Hahahaha nope. I’m not going to talk about her on the internet for privacy reasons but rest assured her challenges are immediately obvious to everyone. Unfortunately they limit her ability to take part in normal life.

She was comfortable being left with her friends.

And I’m not going to address your other “point” simply because I don’t have to. Her therapists know exactly what the story is.

Some people don’t “believe in” neurodiversity and I’m perfectly comfortable leaving it at that; I don’t have to convince you of anything.

Thank you for this. It has been a lifelong issue for me, and CBT and medication changed my life. However, (peri)menopause has sent my mental and physical health completely off the rails and I’ve been referred to a specialist for treatment.

Oops replied to the wrong comment, that was for @HamBone

Yes, perimenopause is a bugger, I’m coming up 49 so I’m presumably in the latter stages now. I did have a big wobble about five years ago ( close a breakdown due to work stress) and perhaps peri also played a role.

I’m much better now though so don’t give up hope, OP. 💐

“I really couldn’t have foreseen that everyone would be sitting around the table inside with no room for me, and I’d have had to go sit in the garden on my own like a lemon. I think if it was a group of MY friends I could have gone to stand over one of them and chat but you really can’t do that if you don’t know people well as they can’t exactly get rid of you! It was just so awkward.”

It doesn’t sound like you went over to the table. And it sounds like you were kind of relieved the table was full and you had the excuse to go sit alone in the garden. That’s cool, I don’t like socializing either. Just asking if that’s the real truth of the matter. Because if that is the truth, wouldn’t it be a relief to know that’s what happened, and not that the host doesn’t like you? That the host very likely would have scooted people over and gotten you a chair if you’d expressed interest in sitting with the group? That she doesn’t actually have any ill-will toward you? That maybe she left you alone in the garden because she’s learned you actually prefer to be alone? Which is why she also leaves you alone in the hallway? She could very well understand you and she’s doing what she thinks makes you comfortable. Because the truth is, you WOULD rather be in the garden and the hallway alone than having to make small-talk, and she allows that to happen. Sounds like maybe she could be a nice friend. Maybe?

@Malapataraso the host IS a lovely person! And I certainly don’t think she dislikes me. It’s not that I think she has anything against me (she absolutely doesn’t), it’s that I have an anxiety disorder.
The layout is hard to explain but really, there was no “going over” to the table. Think tiny narrow hallway wide enough for one person, then kitchen/living with the table right there and squeezing past seating people to get into the room. Small basement flat.
(I definitely would NOT rather be in the garden alone while everyone else is in the house, it’s an absolute nightmare for me and really sends me spiralling.)
I appreciate your effort here by the way! It’s just that I don’t agree with the points you’ve made.