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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help he won’t leave

69 replies

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 13:44

What can you do when he won’t leave when you want and need to end the marriage?

2 dcs. If I live I’ll lose my house and my children’s home. Plus he won’t let me leave with them, it will be incredibly traumatic for them.

no crime has occurred no violence but I’m just don’t with the attitude and the raving and ranting and the bully boy behaviour but he won’t leave and says if I want to go I can leave the kids which obviously is a non starter

OP posts:
Original poster
Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 13:48

Please someone!

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 02/09/2023 13:51

What’s the situation re the house? Do you own or rent?

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/09/2023 13:53

Do you think he will be violent?

rockingbird · 02/09/2023 13:57

Hmm I had a similar problem and eventually left! Best thing I ever did.. he kept the house and we walked away with a bag of clothes each. A year on I have a new house, two happy kids and he's living in the house surrounded by rubbish having never cleaned since the day I left (I did everything). It's just a tactic to stop you breaking up, he's not going to go and will use the kids against you - like you'd leave them behind!! If you rent walk away, it's a form of control and it won't end until you walk away. If you own the house grey rock the twat and get yourself a good solicitor pronto. Once he sees you mean business be prepared to see a nasty side come out. Get your paperwork stored out of the house with a trusted friend and start making plans. Best of luck!

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 02/09/2023 14:24

Who does the house belong to?

Original poster
Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 14:27

we own the house (mortgaged that neither can afford alone, cheers CoL) house is in joint names.

he won’t let me take the kids and will make a huge scene which will be so traumatic for them plus it’s their home. We’ve no where else to go. He owns another house that his mother lives in

OP posts:
andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 02/09/2023 14:28

If he won't leave (and you can't make him) then you'll probably need to get legal advice.

BarbedButterfly · 02/09/2023 14:31

Unfortunately you can't make him leave if you jointly own the house. I would also recommend legal advice.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 02/09/2023 14:36

Start the divorce process while living with him. Speak a solicitor, file the papers, and get the process started. Best if you file, then you control the process. If thre is another house in the joint marital pot, then without knowing details, sounds like you might be able to keep one, whether you can afford to is another story. If your income is not high you might qualify for UC help, and if you are primary resident parent you would also get child support. Its a long and horrible process, but you have to go through it and the sooner you start, the sooner it ends.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2023 15:52

@Hilfemich

The unfortunate truth is that, barring abuse rising to the level of a legal order, neither of you can make the other leave a jointly owned marital home. Both of you have the right to live in it.

I do have a question though...why do you feel that if you leave you'll 'lose' the house? The bottom line is that if neither of you can afford to buy the other out and/or maintain the house on your own salary then the house will have to be sold and the proceeds divided between you. It's a very, very rare thing that one party is simply awarded the family home without the other party being recompensed in some way. I'm not saying it never happens, just if that's what you're figuring on, don't pin your hopes on that too much.

As far as the DC, I assume you both have parental responsibility. Legally speaking you both have legal 'rights' to the children. Barring a court order, neither of you can stop the other from 'taking' the children anywhere. So theoretically if you wanted to leave with the children there would be nothing he could do to stop you, legally speaking. The same is true for him, though. If he decided to move out of the house and take the DC you couldn't legally stop him. So it is a double edged sword.

Now mind you, I'm not advising you do either of these things! But I think he's got you thinking he has more 'power' than he actually has. Right now, you are 'legally' equal as far as the house and DC go.

What you really need to do is seek legal advice. Find out exactly what your specific legal position is. Ask whether or not you'd forfeit any interest in the home if you leave and what you might do to mitigate this if things get so bad you can no longer stand it. Ask what happens if neither of the parties can afford to buy out the other. Ask about moving the children right now, before any legal action. And ask about coercive control and emotional abuse in the context of family law. These days most jurisdictions accept than abuse is not always physical and that other types of abuse are just as damaging.

AlltheFs · 02/09/2023 15:59

Lots and lots of people get divorced whilst still sharing the marital home. It’s only in films that someone leaves dramatically. Quite often no-one can go anywhere until the house is sold. Obviously it’s different if there is abuse. But otherwise you start proceedings and the house goes up for sale and you both move out when it is sold using the proceeds.

My cousin was divorced for 18 months but still sharing the home as they were stuck unable to sell in a recession. Wasn’t ideal but neither could afford to rent and pay the mortgage.

Original poster
Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 16:10

AlltheFs · 02/09/2023 15:59

Lots and lots of people get divorced whilst still sharing the marital home. It’s only in films that someone leaves dramatically. Quite often no-one can go anywhere until the house is sold. Obviously it’s different if there is abuse. But otherwise you start proceedings and the house goes up for sale and you both move out when it is sold using the proceeds.

My cousin was divorced for 18 months but still sharing the home as they were stuck unable to sell in a recession. Wasn’t ideal but neither could afford to rent and pay the mortgage.

It’s not abuse as such but it’s toxic and it’s a horrible environment for the children. Fact is my mortgage is a lot cheaper than rent on a property half the size (not london either). I earn too much for any help (UC) but equally not enough to sustain myself.

i put the whole deposit for the house, I understand that It would be 50:50 but it’s my kids home. It’s minimising the trauma of them

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/09/2023 16:25

You need legal advice
You will likely be able to claim universal credit when you leave
Any capital you receive from the house sale is disregarded for the first year should you be able to buy again
There will be a way, and staying in an toxic environment will affect the DC far more than divorced parents

rolvus · 02/09/2023 16:38

Solicitor advised me NOT to leave the home - if you do it is more difficult and not as quick to resolve. She said best course of action was to file for divorce online (cheap option) and start the process. This often gets them out of denial and shows them you mean what you say.

She said it would take at least 12 months to finalise divorce and get a court order to initiate sale of house (if that's what you want). Also in a similar situation re: more than one house. As he has 2 houses, courts would expect him to have one house and you the other. It's pretty irrelevant that his mother lives in the other house. She'd be expected to find somewhere else to live or live with her son.

AlltheFs · 02/09/2023 16:38

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 16:10

It’s not abuse as such but it’s toxic and it’s a horrible environment for the children. Fact is my mortgage is a lot cheaper than rent on a property half the size (not london either). I earn too much for any help (UC) but equally not enough to sustain myself.

i put the whole deposit for the house, I understand that It would be 50:50 but it’s my kids home. It’s minimising the trauma of them

Show quote history

If you can’t afford to buy him out then you will have to move out when it is sold, you don’t have any right to stay there otherwise and neither does he.

Your best bet is to make a start at proceedings, get it on the market and take it from there. Once he knows you are serious he might decide to move out but then he is under no obligation to pay the bills so it’s often not the best solution as any defaults impact you.

I’m not in a divorce position (we have had our ups and downs but so far we are ok) but I know that I can’t afford to buy him out and run our house on my own and I’m the higher earner. If we split we have to sell, disruption or not and we will both end up in shitholes in a town (rather than our very naice village).

But yes you will likely end up renting a far smaller place for double the cost of your current mortgage and handing your kids over for half the week. Divorce is often not better than staying married-it’s just a different sort of shit unfortunately! No winners apart from solicitors anyway.

MidnightOnceMore · 02/09/2023 16:40

You need legal advice. You can't make him leave.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2023 16:44

Neither of you can make the other leave.

What you can do is get some legal advice to find out what your options are.

The trauma for the children if he kicks up shit when you hand him the divorce papers is minuscule in comparison to the trauma of an entire childhood in a miserable house.

CremeEggThief · 02/09/2023 16:44

Sorry but YABU to assume you have more rights to the house than he has. You're jointly entitled to it and that's that.

Sexnotgender · 02/09/2023 16:47

Unfortunately you can’t make him leave. It’s his house as much as yours. You need legal advice.

nutbrownhare15 · 02/09/2023 16:50

You say it's not abuse but also mention bully.boy behaviour. I'd have a chat with womens aid just to see what they think.

Wallywobbles · 02/09/2023 16:56

You file for divorce. You get the house valued. You see a solicitor. You make progress towards a defined end. If you don't start that process you'll be at the same point forever.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 02/09/2023 16:58

You need to consult a solicitor and start divorce proceedings asap. Sounds like there are no grounds at all to get him out the house in advance of finalising the divorce. BUT don’t accept what people are telling you about selling up being inevitable and a 50/50 share. Depending on your respective incomes, contributions, needs and other factors you may be able to stay in the house with the children until they are older and/or buy him out for less than 50 per cent. Not certain by any means. You need professional advice. The future plans for the children will also have to be settled. Sooner you see a solicitor the better.

Amazongirl9 · 02/09/2023 16:59

You start the divorce process. You get the house valued. You get the other house he owns valued as it’s a marital asset plus any pensions etc. then you thrash out who gets what.

2jacqi · 02/09/2023 17:07

half matrimonial assets will also include the house which his mother resides in!!! start writing down everything now with dates, times, what was said. threatening?? call the police. get paperwork sorted out now and store it in your car. get clothes for you and the kids in your car. copies of all bank statements, bank account details etc etc, everything you can possibly find. change all your passwords. if you share a credit card account get it put into his name. now. before things get worse and you run! contact solicitor asap once you have done all that.

bigalt · 02/09/2023 17:13

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