Page 2 | Help he won’t leave

Hilfemich · 2023-09-02T12:44:45+00:00

What can you do when he won’t leave when you want and need to end the marriage? 2 dcs. If I live I’ll lose my house and my children’s home. Plus he won’t let me leave with them, it will be incredibly traumatic for them. no crime has occurred no violence but I’m just don’t with the attitude and the raving and ranting and the bully boy behaviour but he won’t leave and says if I want to go I can leave the kids which obviously is a non starter

Testina · 02/09/2023 17:18

Well that’s good news that he has another house. You can’t make him leave (well, very specific circumstances you could but it doesn’t sound like that’s relevant). So start divorce proceedings, move into another room (take over a dining room, put kids into one room, share with youngest, partition a room - whatever option you have) and eventually force a sale.

Chippy4me · 02/09/2023 17:44

If you’re the one who wants to end the relationship then you need to be the one to leave.

If you’re planning to get divorced anyway then the home is going to have to be sold and split and so unless you can buy him out you have no other option.

I would start divorce proceedings and then put the house on the market if neither of you can buy the other one out.

devildeepbluesea · 02/09/2023 17:49

As PP said, you need legal advice.But - you need to get your head in the right place to say goodbye to the house. Sounds like you can’t split and stay in it whatever happens. So stay put, see a lawyer and start thinking about other places to live.

Original poster

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 17:56

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no he doesn’t but equally he wants to put in not effort to modify his behaviour or work on himself and he’s unbearable to live with, constantly walking on egg shells

he put 0 deposit down for the house, pisses his money away. I’ve bailed him out of debts. He owes me thousands

no one leaves their marriage on a whim. I’ve begged him to alter his behaviour, I don’t deserve to be shouted at and demeaned just because I earn less

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Original poster

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 17:58

Chippy4me · 02/09/2023 17:44

If you’re the one who wants to end the relationship then you need to be the one to leave.

If you’re planning to get divorced anyway then the home is going to have to be sold and split and so unless you can buy him out you have no other option.

I would start divorce proceedings and then put the house on the market if neither of you can buy the other one out.

my brother is going through a divorce now and he left the house and then filed, he was advised that it was the worst thing he could’ve done. He needed to stay in the property

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Original poster

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 18:00

nutbrownhare15 · 02/09/2023 16:50

You say it's not abuse but also mention bully.boy behaviour. I'd have a chat with womens aid just to see what they think.

It’s not physically or sexually abusive but he’s so volatile that it’s emotional abuse and he’s got an acid tongue BUT that’s he said she said at the end of the day

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Original poster

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 18:03

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 17:58

my brother is going through a divorce now and he left the house and then filed, he was advised that it was the worst thing he could’ve done. He needed to stay in the property

Show quote history

Also he won’t let me leave with my children, he’ll create such a fuss that they’ll be traumatised and I’ve got no where to go. I can’t pay a mortgage and rent at the same time. He literally has another house

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WhoWhereHow · 02/09/2023 18:09

I'm sorry OP but none of that matters.

You both own 50% of the house. You can't "kick him out" legally and he can't do the same to you.

If you're serious, you need to apply for a divorce (you can do this online) and begin collecting all the financials. Courts start on a 50/50 split in general so you'll need to know the value of both houses, savings, pensions. You'd then need to remove any debts and split the remainder in half to give you a rough indication of how much you're likely to come out with (minus fees).

If that equals the value of the house, you may be able to stay, assuming you can afford it on your own. Usually, the house is sold or one party buys off the other.

Legal advice will help you tailor the above to your actual situation and advise on whether there's any likelihood of a move from 50/50 split.

Did you protect the deposit legally?

WhoWhereHow · 02/09/2023 18:11

On the able to stay point, I mean if your share is looking to be the same value as the house, you may be able to negotiate keeping this in exchange for not touching savings/pensions etc.

You'd need legal advice as will he.

BMW6 · 02/09/2023 18:25

You really really need to get legal advice OP and get the divorce ball rolling.

He has as much right to stay in the marital home as you do - the fact that he has another property is irrelevant.

Yes it will be horrible living there while the divorce is being progressed, you should reassure your children that you BOTH love them but are not happy living together anymore.

If he gets violent call the Police. If he gets nasty verbally just leave the room. Grey Rock him.

Do you think he'd want 50/50 parental responsibility? If so how would you manage financially (no CM)?

Original poster

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 18:34

BMW6 · 02/09/2023 18:25

You really really need to get legal advice OP and get the divorce ball rolling.

He has as much right to stay in the marital home as you do - the fact that he has another property is irrelevant.

Yes it will be horrible living there while the divorce is being progressed, you should reassure your children that you BOTH love them but are not happy living together anymore.

If he gets violent call the Police. If he gets nasty verbally just leave the room. Grey Rock him.

Do you think he'd want 50/50 parental responsibility? If so how would you manage financially (no CM)?

He want to take them from me, 100% allow me maybe 2 days visits

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Original poster

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 18:34

WhoWhereHow · 02/09/2023 18:09

I'm sorry OP but none of that matters.

You both own 50% of the house. You can't "kick him out" legally and he can't do the same to you.

If you're serious, you need to apply for a divorce (you can do this online) and begin collecting all the financials. Courts start on a 50/50 split in general so you'll need to know the value of both houses, savings, pensions. You'd then need to remove any debts and split the remainder in half to give you a rough indication of how much you're likely to come out with (minus fees).

If that equals the value of the house, you may be able to stay, assuming you can afford it on your own. Usually, the house is sold or one party buys off the other.

Legal advice will help you tailor the above to your actual situation and advise on whether there's any likelihood of a move from 50/50 split.

Did you protect the deposit legally?

We had a letter or something that was done by the solicitor that I paid all the deposit but would be 50/50 on mortgage

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Original poster

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 18:38

and there are some real serious concerns I have about his families exposure to the children, they have very anti western views and some very generally quite backwards beliefs. None I knew about prior to marriage. He’s on board with NC now but after a divorce… Christ knows

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Totaly · 02/09/2023 18:39

Iota not 50:50 with children involved - you may get more on top as there are two houses here. 50:50 would be a house each.

What’s the value on those properties/mortgages?

BMW6 · 02/09/2023 18:44

OP he doesn't get to decide who has PR. That's up to a Judge and unless you have a drink or drugs issue you are likely to get at least 50/50.

It really isn't up to your STBX.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2023 19:29

'If you’re the one who wants to end the relationship then you need to be the one to leave.'

This is absolute nonsense op. Ignore it.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2023 19:36

You keep saying 'he has another house'. You both have another house. If it's his, it's a marital asset.

The split of assets depends on so much stuff op, length of marriage, bought before marriage?, potential earnings, kids needs etc etc

Yiu will only know if you see a solicitor.

Do it in secret, gather up all the info.

And why do you think he would get the kids 100% of the time? He doesn't decide these things op. You seem to think he does.

Again. Seek the advice of a solicitor.

Chippy4me · 02/09/2023 20:07

Unfortunately you cannot make him leave his own home, just like he can’t make you leave.

I would speak to a solicitor and get legal advice first but your best interest (or only option) is probably to start divorce proceedings and force a sale and you both find somewhere else to live.

After speaking to a solicitor, I would sit him down (be as nice as you can to him) and explain what’s going to happen and as you know how much he loves the kids you are hoping to reduce the impact on them as much as you can.

Tell him that you would like to stay in the home that they grew up in and would be willing to not go for half of his other property if it means he’ll sign this property over to you.

You want to try and do it as amicable as possible.
But the fact that he has a second property works very much in your favour, as you’ll be able to have half of both and can try and use this to stay in the home or have half of both and then afford to buy a new home.

Chippy4me · 02/09/2023 20:08

Obviously make sure you speak to the solicitor and understand all of your rights etc before talking to him.

Original poster

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 20:20

Totaly · 02/09/2023 18:39

Iota not 50:50 with children involved - you may get more on top as there are two houses here. 50:50 would be a house each.

What’s the value on those properties/mortgages?

our home is about 400k, 200 mortgage. Other property is max 100k

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Original poster

Hilfemich · 02/09/2023 20:26

arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2023 19:36

You keep saying 'he has another house'. You both have another house. If it's his, it's a marital asset.

The split of assets depends on so much stuff op, length of marriage, bought before marriage?, potential earnings, kids needs etc etc

Yiu will only know if you see a solicitor.

Do it in secret, gather up all the info.

And why do you think he would get the kids 100% of the time? He doesn't decide these things op. You seem to think he does.

Again. Seek the advice of a solicitor.

No I know he doesn’t get to decide child custody BUT he would fabricate safe guarding concerns or withhold them or drag me through the mud to make sure he never had to spend a night apart. He’s never left them according to him whereas I have (yes twice, I was in hospital and when I relative died). He said he’d say I abuse them or doesn’t think I’d cope. It’s just spite. He’s always ranting and raving at them when he’s frazzled which is often.

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AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2023 20:33

@Hilfemich

One thing to remember is that he will say anything to frighten and intimidate you to 'get you back in your box'. So his "I will take the kids" or that he 'won't let' you leave with the children aren't necessarily true. But you are his 'cash cow' so he's going to say and do anything in order to keep you down.

Granted if you tried to walk out the door in front of him with the DC he'd raise holy hell, but only to upset the DC, upset you, and then blame it on you. But should you leave with the DC when he is not home (I am NOT saying to do this) nothing short of a court order would force you to hand them back over. Granted, the same goes for him with you. Were he to take the DC and move out you'd have to go to court to get access.

As far as his "I will get custody of the kids" that's just bluster. No court is going to take your children away from you simply because he says for them to do so. Yes, he'd have access unless he's a clear danger to them, maybe even 50/50 residency but that's a decision for the courts to make.

This is where I was saying that you think he has more power than he does. And why it's imperative that you see a solicitor. You desperately NEED to know the actual legal truth of your particular situation. All of us can give you our opinions and/or knowledge of the law from a 'civilian' perspective, but only a solicitor can truly set your mind at rest.

I don't mean to cause alarm, but you mention his family have 'unwestern' ideas. Does this mean they/some of them live in another country? If so, do you have any concern about this shithead trying to take the DC there? If so, you need to alert passport control so their passports can be flagged.

And as PP said, you need to be SILENT about any plans or solicitor visits. Say nothing to him. Don't make 'threats', don't try to 'talk to him' or 'make him see reason'. In fact, avoid talking to him as much as possible.

heartofglass23 · 02/09/2023 20:35

What you are describing is abuse. It's in the new wider criminal definition of domestic abuse. It's also emotional abuse of children to expose them to this.

Gather evidence. Record him.

Take advice from professionals who are experts in this field ie women's aid.

Their refuges arent just for battered women they are for women like you who are being emotionally abused.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2023 20:44

@Hilfemich

BUT he would fabricate safe guarding concerns or withhold them or drag me through the mud to make sure he never had to spend a night apart. He’s never left them according to him whereas I have (yes twice, I was in hospital and when I relative died). He said he’d say I abuse them or doesn’t think I’d cope. It’s just spite. He’s always ranting and raving at them when he’s frazzled which is often.

The courts have seen and heard all of this before, and worse. And they're pretty canny and able to see through a lot of bullshit. And again, just because he says it doesn't mean it's so or will happen. You are letting him gain power over you that he doesn't really have. Please see a solicitor ASAP.

And BTW, his ability to control you and your feelings via intimidation IS a sign of abuse! Emotional abuse is a real thing. And coercive control via intimidation is considered domestic abuse under the law. Talk to Women's Aid.

Do you have family you can lean on? Having support IRL can help you see things more clearly.

Ridemeginger · 02/09/2023 20:44

@Hilfemich Did you ringfence the house deposit with a deed of trust?