Aibu unreasonable for calling out my sister for her poor attitude towards my pregnancy

[DWSDB]

Let me explain cause I know I will get a mixed response. I told my sister I was pregnant as she was miscarrying (I didn’t know this at the time). It was early pregnancy. She had a horrible time, me and my family helped out a lot with her other so her partner could be with her. Barely mention my pregnancy to her or the complications I have had and she rarely mentions it. She has told her friends and other members of outside family that I’m a regnant which I did not agree to so a lot of them congratulate me at events and I didn’t even know they knew. She’s not told her children so if any of my family speaks to me about being pregnant and congratulate me I have to shut it down as to not upset her. This confuses a lot of my family as they want to talk about my baby and I have to act dismissive. My family thinks she’s going too far but nobody dares say anything to her.

She has also told me other people stories of their late miscarriages and babies dying in the womb and getting stuck whilst, tbf unknown to her, I was really worried about mine at the time but I didn’t say anything and let her speak.

This happened in August, it’s now September and I’m 26 weeks pregnant.

Since her miscarriage she has become demanding and bitter towards my mum and dad and others in her family. My mum and dad do their best for her but aren’t as emotionally available as some parent but it doesn’t stop them trying their hardest for her. She says horrible things to her children and step children and shes become so swallowed up in what happened she doesn’t realise how she is acting towards people who are trying to help her. I’ve tried to be there for her but I get I’ve got what she desperately wanted and she doesn’t really reach out to me which I get.

Aside from what happened she has a wonderful life, a partner who is very supportive and loves her deeply, a lot of children already (biological and step), a beautiful house, no money issues and I get that doesn’t stop the pain of what happened she seems to have forgotten about it.

A few weeks back, out of the blue she offered to throw me a baby shower, I agreed but she’s not mentioned it or my pregnancy for weeks. She’s brought it up out of nowhere when I’m really busy demanding to know what I want and I’ve said I’ll speak to her about it later as I’m busy. Shes then told my mum that I was mean to her as I said I’ll let you know in a few days?

After my mum told me she sent me another message asking what I want to do and I’ve said I’ve not given it much thought as she’s not really mentioned it since she asked and she’s not really showed much interest towards the baby.

Boom, she’s gone off on one. Saying that I need to be very careful what I say and how nasty I am for saying this to her as she’s made an effort to ask about the baby etc. The effort was asking the gender.. I’ve clapped back and said it would of been nice to have a sister to help when it got hard and it’s been hard for my immediate family, such as my little boy, been told not to mention it to her and I’ve tried my best for her. She’s said I have said insensitive things to her but I genuinely have racked my brains and come up with nothing. I’m so so careful what I say as to not upset her I can’t think of one thing except saying she’s still got time to have another and she’s had healthy children before. (I know she’s trying again)Then she’s called me names, I’ve called her a brat and she’s blocked me.

Am I the arse here? My mum and dad told me just to leave it and their not getting involved but she’s now deleting me off platforms and I don’t think I deserve this?

This happened in August, it’s now September and I’m 26 weeks pregnant

Did she miscarry in August? Or am I reading that wrong?

No in April x

She has also told me other people stories of their late miscarriages and babies dying in the womb and getting stuck whilst, tbf unknown to her, I was really worried about mine at the time but I didn’t say anything and let her speak.

I do feel like this is quite insensitive to speak about whilst you're pregnant. However, it is awful miscarrying and it plays on your mind for a long, long time (IME). She's obviously hurting. Sometimes people don't handle grief well and act out.

With regards to her not asking how your pregnancy is going or showing little interest, I would try not to take it to heart. A lot of people don't get excited for others pregnancies but make up for that when the baby finally arrives.

I know it's obviously something that means a lot to you, and there may be a history of her behaviour I don't know about, but if you can I would try to let this slide. As a whole it doesn't sound like something that's worth a big falling out over. I don't feel like YABU just disappointed.

Rest, look after yourself and try not to stress over this. x

I think your comments were incredibly insensitive. And also when she's asking you what you'd like for the shower she's planning on throwing probably wasn't the best time to bring up that she's no interest in your pregnancy. But I can understand why you're hurt.

You both sound as bad as one another. Your poor parents being trapped in the middle of this. Neither of you sound mature enough to be parents.

Jesus, op. Grow up.

@Lovingitallnow I get that and take it on board, I don’t think I behaved the best I think I am just frustrated that she told my mum I was mean to her when I’d gently explained I was on a deadline at work and I’d let her know in a few days. I think she’s been waiting to argue with me for a while as she keeps on saying things to my mum when all I’ve done is try and be kind to her, I don’t understand why she didn’t tell me. I was stressed and had enough but I probably shouldn’t of said that to her I get that x

I feel a bit sorry for your sister. She's watching you enjoy a healthy pregnancy knowing she should be pregnant too. Your baby will always be a reminder that her baby isn't here. I get that your pregnancy is exciting for you and you want everyone to be as excited as you, but I don't think a bit of empathy towards your sister would be a bad thing

The world does not revolve around you because you are pregnant but then as pointed out you both sound equally bad

@FarmGirl78 You can disagree with me on this whatever I get it which is why I asked for advice so I can make the right move next. But don’t assume things on my parenting? My son is wonderful, thriving and top set on everything. He knows nothing about this argument and never will.

Tbh the comments you said to her were incredibly insensitive. She's just had a miscarriage and is now having to watch you grow a healthy baby. That is very traumatic. I think you need to cut your sister some serious slack.

I think you both sound enmeshed and tactless, and appear to be fighting for your parents’ attention and engaged in some weird competitiveness (I mean, why is her house, lack of money worries, other children and the niceness of her partner relevant to her feelings about her miscarriage, unless you’re measuring your lives against one another’s and at some level, possibly unconsciously, you’re delighted she’s missed out on something you got?)

If I were your parents, I’d suggest you stepped way back from another for a year, and a complete moratorium on mentioning pregnancies.

I've been the pregnant one when a sibling has miscarried (at 6 weeks), their level of jealousy and awful behaviour was terrible to deal with. I'd just ignore her, her behaviour is ridiculous she has other children (my sibling didn't and never managed to have children) it's not like shes childless. I say that as someone who has experienced a miscarriage trying for my 3rd child, I saw it as a minor bump, we just tried again and I was pregnant again, I was only 8 weeks though and didnt tell anyone.

I'd just give her space and ignore her until after the baby arrives, see how she is then. My sibling refused to meet each of my kids until they were around 2, batshit when they live 5min walk away!

You both sound like drama llamas.

I’m absolutely not delighted shes missed out on something she’s got she’s had an awful experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody what happened never mind my sister. We were very close before this and I do love her very much. I’ve obviously said something insensitive to her which I’ll apologise to her for when the situation has calmed down.

I also have a nice life the same as her, just a smaller family which is fine. This happened to me two years ago when I was 13 weeks, with less support and I acted differently. I guess this feeds into this. I’m just frustrated by how she’s been treating people since it happened and how she reacts towards me. I wish we were both pregnant and I wish that she would get pregnant again like she’s desperate to but it seems between now and then she is being very hurtful to our family and her children and makes me feel bad for speaking about the baby infront of her, but through this forum I’m starting to understand that more.

Just also to say my parents have noticed this a lot and spoken to me about it and have become frustrated too by how she’s treat them, they’re just don’t want to make things worse. I’ve written on here to not involve them further.

Cut her some slack, her offering to throw you a baby shower and asking what you'd like is above and beyond and you totally dismissed her.

You both sound so dramatic 😂

I posted too soon.

I think it's been tricky for you both. But to move forward some open communication is key, it sounds like you both keep missing the mark with each other.

Just with the baby shower I didn’t just respond ‘I’m busy’ I explained I was on a really tight deadline and I said I appreciate it but get if she doesn’t want to do it but if she does I’ll write a list in the next few days. I should have said this before.

Do people actually have baby showers for their second child?
I don't know of many people who have them but those who do seem to have a shower thrown for them for their firsr baby.

I would not be fussed about the shower but I would be trying to give your sister as much support as you can after her very sad loss.

If I’m honest I wasn’t really bothered for a baby shower but was going to let her do it if she wanted to. I didn’t have one for my first child 7 years ago

Just politely decline the baby shower. It's only going to bring drama.

I'm with the OP - she's allowed to be happy about her own pregnancy and should be allowed to discuss it with family. Yes it's hard for her sister but she cannot go through life lashing out at people who have done her no harm (including her own children snd step children).
Sometimes you just have to put a brave face on and behave yourself. Miscarriage has happened to the OP too - I doubt it was any easier for her!

It's not wrong to gently say you have too much on to think about baby showers and actually I don't think it's a good idea for your sister to arrange this. Tell her you are appreciative of the thought but would prefer not to have one. She definitely shouldn't be telling you about other people's misfortune while you are pregnant.
I would probably avoid the subject with her temporarily but you certainly should be allowed to share your joy with your wider family.

Also for clarification - I need to write things clearer!!! It happened in April she was six weeks

thank you lady bird x

You're setting yourselves up for drama by having her organise a shower for you. Having a shower for a second pregnancy is hardly a low key way to go about things under the best of circumstances let alone when your sister has experienced a loss.

Her house, husband, how many weeks it was etc are all irrelevant to how sad she feels and how difficult it must be to watch your pregnancy progress when hers didn't.

You both sound a bit wrapped up in each other.

Cancel the shower. Give each other space.

Your poor parents.