Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu unreasonable for calling out my sister for her poor attitude towards my pregnancy

81 replies

DWSDB · 02/09/2023 10:49

Let me explain cause I know I will get a mixed response. I told my sister I was pregnant as she was miscarrying (I didn’t know this at the time). It was early pregnancy. She had a horrible time, me and my family helped out a lot with her other so her partner could be with her. Barely mention my pregnancy to her or the complications I have had and she rarely mentions it. She has told her friends and other members of outside family that I’m a regnant which I did not agree to so a lot of them congratulate me at events and I didn’t even know they knew. She’s not told her children so if any of my family speaks to me about being pregnant and congratulate me I have to shut it down as to not upset her. This confuses a lot of my family as they want to talk about my baby and I have to act dismissive. My family thinks she’s going too far but nobody dares say anything to her.

She has also told me other people stories of their late miscarriages and babies dying in the womb and getting stuck whilst, tbf unknown to her, I was really worried about mine at the time but I didn’t say anything and let her speak.

This happened in August, it’s now September and I’m 26 weeks pregnant.

Since her miscarriage she has become demanding and bitter towards my mum and dad and others in her family. My mum and dad do their best for her but aren’t as emotionally available as some parent but it doesn’t stop them trying their hardest for her. She says horrible things to her children and step children and shes become so swallowed up in what happened she doesn’t realise how she is acting towards people who are trying to help her. I’ve tried to be there for her but I get I’ve got what she desperately wanted and she doesn’t really reach out to me which I get.

Aside from what happened she has a wonderful life, a partner who is very supportive and loves her deeply, a lot of children already (biological and step), a beautiful house, no money issues and I get that doesn’t stop the pain of what happened she seems to have forgotten about it.

A few weeks back, out of the blue she offered to throw me a baby shower, I agreed but she’s not mentioned it or my pregnancy for weeks. She’s brought it up out of nowhere when I’m really busy demanding to know what I want and I’ve said I’ll speak to her about it later as I’m busy. Shes then told my mum that I was mean to her as I said I’ll let you know in a few days?

After my mum told me she sent me another message asking what I want to do and I’ve said I’ve not given it much thought as she’s not really mentioned it since she asked and she’s not really showed much interest towards the baby.

Boom, she’s gone off on one. Saying that I need to be very careful what I say and how nasty I am for saying this to her as she’s made an effort to ask about the baby etc. The effort was asking the gender.. I’ve clapped back and said it would of been nice to have a sister to help when it got hard and it’s been hard for my immediate family, such as my little boy, been told not to mention it to her and I’ve tried my best for her. She’s said I have said insensitive things to her but I genuinely have racked my brains and come up with nothing. I’m so so careful what I say as to not upset her I can’t think of one thing except saying she’s still got time to have another and she’s had healthy children before. (I know she’s trying again)Then she’s called me names, I’ve called her a brat and she’s blocked me.

Am I the arse here? My mum and dad told me just to leave it and their not getting involved but she’s now deleting me off platforms and I don’t think I deserve this?

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 02/09/2023 12:08

I say that as someone who has experienced a miscarriage trying for my 3rd child, I saw it as a minor bump, we just tried again

How incredibly patronising.

Gazelda · 02/09/2023 12:10

Neither of you are communicating with the other very well. And to be honest, your parents are stirring the pot a little (although I can kind of understand that as they're trying to help their DC get along).

I think some space and time apart would be good for you both.

Maybe send her a message saying that you love her and want nothing more than for her to have not miscarried. You feel as though your pregnancy is a hurtful reminder every time you see her, so maybe you are not the best person to be helping her recover. You'll be stepping back for a while but will always be on the end the phone if she needs you. Tell her again how much you love her.

Make it about her, not about you.

And then find another source of friendship and support through your own pregnancy. You matter just as much as anyone else. But just as you're not the right person to support her, she's not the right person to support you.

JaiynDough · 02/09/2023 12:11

except saying she’s still got time to have another and she’s had healthy children before.

I'm not surprised she's blocking you. These are disgusting comments.

Original poster
DWSDB · 02/09/2023 12:12

I didn’t have her organise a shower for me. She offered, I asked her if it was really what she wanted and I wouldn’t be upset if she wanted more time. She said yes and she really wanted to do it. Thought it would give an opportunity for her to feel involved —- obviously did not work.

OP posts:
fitzwilliamdarcy · 02/09/2023 12:16

If I were your parents, I’d suggest you stepped way back from another for a year, and a complete moratorium on mentioning pregnancies.

I agree. The pair of you are just setting each other off. In this context, a baby shower is going to be a powder keg.

You both need to step back, calm down and get out of each other’s hair for a while.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 02/09/2023 12:16

Is anyone here adult enough to look after children?

primoseyellow · 02/09/2023 12:17

I would give each other space. Understandably a miscarriage is absolutely awful to go through, however I cannot imagine either of my sisters or anyone I know behaving like this.

She has children already, as many as 1 in every 15 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I would try to be understanding to her, but in my head I would be thinking that she needs to grow up and stop being such a brat.

Original poster
DWSDB · 02/09/2023 12:22

@SisterMichaelsHabit as said previously I have a 7 year old whose thriving, this drama with my sister has no impact on my parenting.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 02/09/2023 12:27

Genuinely asking but why is it disgusting to say that she's still got time. Or that she has had children already (so should be able to get pregnant again). Once you've said how sorry you are for her loss, what are people supposed to say? She's trying to reassure her, to say there's still hope.
Of course it doesn't compensate for the loss but there's very little a person can say. And in all honesty it must be much worse for people who lose a pregnancy and know it was their last chance.

CarriePT · 02/09/2023 12:27

Wow everyone is being very harsh to the OP.

A 6 week miscarriage is really sad but it doesn't stop the world spinning.
Expecting other pregnant people to not talk about their baby is ridiculous and she needs to give her head a wobble.

Keep away, tell her that you're very sad for her but that you will only experience pregnancy a couple of times in your life and you want to enjoy it and feel the joy, as she will have done with her previous pregnancies. If that's too painful for her then you will totally understand her keeping her distance.

Then stop pandering to her unreasonable behaviour and enjoy your pregnancy. You'll regret it if not.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 02/09/2023 12:33

I miscarried in April and it was quite traumatic with lots of blood loss etc. I was 10 weeks.The due date is coming up so I imagine hers will be too. As much as it is annoying for you it is probably much worse for her seeing you pregnant at nearly the same stage she should have been. You don't just get over it. Personally I would say don't bother with the baby shower to her. It isn't really nessary IMO. I don't think you are being unreasonable but you have the healthy baby growing whereas she is constantly reminded of her loss so maybe go a bit easy on her.

SunRainStorm · 02/09/2023 12:36

DWSDB · 02/09/2023 12:12

I didn’t have her organise a shower for me. She offered, I asked her if it was really what she wanted and I wouldn’t be upset if she wanted more time. She said yes and she really wanted to do it. Thought it would give an opportunity for her to feel involved —- obviously did not work.

So cancel it and spare yourselves some drama.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 02/09/2023 12:37

LadyBird1973 · 02/09/2023 12:27

Genuinely asking but why is it disgusting to say that she's still got time. Or that she has had children already (so should be able to get pregnant again). Once you've said how sorry you are for her loss, what are people supposed to say? She's trying to reassure her, to say there's still hope.
Of course it doesn't compensate for the loss but there's very little a person can say. And in all honesty it must be much worse for people who lose a pregnancy and know it was their last chance.

By saying she has children already you are saying she should be grateful for what she has and therefore are diminishing the pain she feels for her loss. Plus how do you know she can get pregnant again easily? She might have been trying for a while. It isn't hard to say "sorry for your loss" is it?!

TenderChicken · 02/09/2023 12:37

It sounds like she's both hurting and immature, creating the resulting behaviour. I think it's best to take a step back, though seems she's already taken that action in a fairly dramatic way!

After some time has passed, and your baby is born, it might be easier to rekindle your relationship.

Emotions are currently high on both sides, so it is easy to keep hurting each other right now.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 02/09/2023 12:39

primoseyellow · 02/09/2023 12:17

I would give each other space. Understandably a miscarriage is absolutely awful to go through, however I cannot imagine either of my sisters or anyone I know behaving like this.

She has children already, as many as 1 in every 15 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I would try to be understanding to her, but in my head I would be thinking that she needs to grow up and stop being such a brat.

I have two children already. Am I not allowed to be upset that I haven't had my third because I miscarried? I should be giving birth next month. Stop minimising someone's pain.

Brefugee · 02/09/2023 12:42

isn't it something like 1 in 4 pregnancies end in early miscarriage, so while i sympathise with your sister (happened to me too) she must get over it - with therapy if necessary, because women around her are going to have babies and she will have to cope with it.

In your shoes? if you want a shower get a friend or your mum to take care of it, or do it yourself. For your own sake don't talk to your sister about your or her pregnancy.

Around other family members? let them talk about it. Talk about it yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy this precious time. She is being a cow, and it is only partially understandable. She needs to grow up, tbh.

You can do all of this and still be sympathetic for her loss.

Original poster
DWSDB · 02/09/2023 12:47

LadyBird1973 · 02/09/2023 12:27

Genuinely asking but why is it disgusting to say that she's still got time. Or that she has had children already (so should be able to get pregnant again). Once you've said how sorry you are for her loss, what are people supposed to say? She's trying to reassure her, to say there's still hope.
Of course it doesn't compensate for the loss but there's very little a person can say. And in all honesty it must be much worse for people who lose a pregnancy and know it was their last chance.

See I think this too! Loads of people said this to me and I found it comforting, not saying somebody should or shouldn’t I just don’t understand the offence in this?

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 02/09/2023 12:49

I'm sure OP has said she's sorry for her loss. And I take your point that another pregnancy isn't guaranteed.
But actually, maybe she does have to be grateful for what she has. My sil lost her only baby and is unable to have another. She'd love to be in the sister's position of having children already. OP has said her sister isn't being very nice to her own children or step children right now and as sad as her loss is, that's not acceptable behaviour.
Nor is it fair to put stress on her own parents.
The husband has lost a child here too. Sometimes you do just have to stop wallowing and consider the other people in your life, who have feelings too.

Original poster
DWSDB · 02/09/2023 12:54

@LadyBird1973 even when we argued I said I know it must be awful for you and I’m so sorry it happened but she didn’t respond to this bit. I’ve said I’m so sorry so many times and spoke about how awful it must be for her and it is I’ve never acted like it was nothing xx

OP posts:
Original poster
DWSDB · 02/09/2023 12:57

And as much as I’m going to get more backlash for this I agree @LadyBird1973. She of course is going to be devastated at the loss of the baby and will be heartbroken nobody can say otherwise but I think she’s got five children who love her very much and not everyone will have that opportunity. The youngest is a year old.

OP posts:
Galaxy2846 · 02/09/2023 12:59

It's a hard situation to be in because everybody deals with loss differently and there are different stages of grief but it's also not fair on you because this is an exciting time in your life and you want to be able to talk about it openly etc.

I would step back and just have some time away from each other. As others have said, perhaps the relationship between you both will be rekindled once baby is here. I would focus on my happiness, and my pregnancy as it will fly by quick and you don't want any regrets when you look back

Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 12:59

All I thought after reading this was
.. grow up.

Neither you or your sister possess the emotional maturity to be parents.

burnoutbabe · 02/09/2023 13:01

the baby shower thing is odd - she doesn't want to speak of your pregnancy or tell her kids. But also throw you a shower?

I'd be declining a shower and maybe some other friends/work colleagues would organise a suprise one at another point. I'd not be asking the sister to organise it and be accused of flaunting it in her face etc.

Original poster
DWSDB · 02/09/2023 13:01

@Whattodo112222 oh go away honestly, my child is absolutely fine, my baby is absolutely fine. Generally her kids are fine too. They’re all thriving. Just because we’re acting out of frustration with one another doesn’t mean it’s going to impact our ability to parent Jesus.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 02/09/2023 13:02

She is grieving at the same time watching her sister have pretty much the exact timeline she should be on or very close to. When people grieve they often lash out at those closest to them. Many women take a step back from friends after miscarriage especially if they are pregnant as a self preservation strategy. Your sister can't do that.

I'm not excusing her actions but she has a lot to work through and your a constant reminder. You need to cut her some slack she doesn't sound like she is in a good space and your annoyed she's not asked you about pregnancy. Put the shoe on the other foot for a while.