Aibu unreasonable for calling out my sister for her poor attitude towards my pregnancy

[DWSDB]

Let me explain cause I know I will get a mixed response. I told my sister I was pregnant as she was miscarrying (I didn’t know this at the time). It was early pregnancy. She had a horrible time, me and my family helped out a lot with her other so her partner could be with her. Barely mention my pregnancy to her or the complications I have had and she rarely mentions it. She has told her friends and other members of outside family that I’m a regnant which I did not agree to so a lot of them congratulate me at events and I didn’t even know they knew. She’s not told her children so if any of my family speaks to me about being pregnant and congratulate me I have to shut it down as to not upset her. This confuses a lot of my family as they want to talk about my baby and I have to act dismissive. My family thinks she’s going too far but nobody dares say anything to her.

She has also told me other people stories of their late miscarriages and babies dying in the womb and getting stuck whilst, tbf unknown to her, I was really worried about mine at the time but I didn’t say anything and let her speak.

This happened in August, it’s now September and I’m 26 weeks pregnant.

Since her miscarriage she has become demanding and bitter towards my mum and dad and others in her family. My mum and dad do their best for her but aren’t as emotionally available as some parent but it doesn’t stop them trying their hardest for her. She says horrible things to her children and step children and shes become so swallowed up in what happened she doesn’t realise how she is acting towards people who are trying to help her. I’ve tried to be there for her but I get I’ve got what she desperately wanted and she doesn’t really reach out to me which I get.

Aside from what happened she has a wonderful life, a partner who is very supportive and loves her deeply, a lot of children already (biological and step), a beautiful house, no money issues and I get that doesn’t stop the pain of what happened she seems to have forgotten about it.

A few weeks back, out of the blue she offered to throw me a baby shower, I agreed but she’s not mentioned it or my pregnancy for weeks. She’s brought it up out of nowhere when I’m really busy demanding to know what I want and I’ve said I’ll speak to her about it later as I’m busy. Shes then told my mum that I was mean to her as I said I’ll let you know in a few days?

After my mum told me she sent me another message asking what I want to do and I’ve said I’ve not given it much thought as she’s not really mentioned it since she asked and she’s not really showed much interest towards the baby.

Boom, she’s gone off on one. Saying that I need to be very careful what I say and how nasty I am for saying this to her as she’s made an effort to ask about the baby etc. The effort was asking the gender.. I’ve clapped back and said it would of been nice to have a sister to help when it got hard and it’s been hard for my immediate family, such as my little boy, been told not to mention it to her and I’ve tried my best for her. She’s said I have said insensitive things to her but I genuinely have racked my brains and come up with nothing. I’m so so careful what I say as to not upset her I can’t think of one thing except saying she’s still got time to have another and she’s had healthy children before. (I know she’s trying again)Then she’s called me names, I’ve called her a brat and she’s blocked me.

Am I the arse here? My mum and dad told me just to leave it and their not getting involved but she’s now deleting me off platforms and I don’t think I deserve this?

I can’t believe I just read that! Absolutely disgusting - your poor sister.

A miscarriage is deeply traumatic and not something women can pick themselves up from and go ‘well I already have children so it’s fine.’

Have some bloody empathy.

I’m sorry for your loss in your miscarriage earlier but that doesn’t given you the right to dictate her response to hers.

*misquoted the wrong post!

@Aquestioningmind have you replied to the wrong thing? I’ve just defended her

Aside from what happened she has a wonderful life, a partner who is very supportive and loves her deeply, a lot of children already (biological and step

Sorry but you lost me at this part. Because she has a lot of children already she shouldn't still be so upset and traumatised at the loss of her (I'm assuming) much loved and wanted baby?

What I meant to quote (sorry!)

You're not a very nice OP sister.

I didn’t say she wouldn’t be traumatised or it wouldn’t be awful or she should just get over it at all. I’m saying there’s five little people who have also suffered through this and as much as she is in pain and deserves to be she should also appreciate there’s five babies who love her too. It doesn’t take away from her grief at all.

This.

It isn't a competition for God's sake. You don't say how far gone she was but she's clearly grieving and sad. Just leave her alone and show a little sensitivity. Or keep out of her way for a couple of months if you find her hard to cope with.

This!

@Whattodo112222 considering you were saying both of us weren’t fit to be parents a minute ago it’s nice to know you’re now defending my sister?

I'm sorry OP but you are in the wrong here.

Your sister is still clearly grieving. It doesn't matter that she already has "lots of" children, or can try again. Her baby died and she is watching you grow a healthy pregnancy. You should never minimise the loss experienced through miscarriage by saying "but you can try again" or "you already have children". She wanted THAT baby but that baby died and she'll never get to meet them. But you can bet that she will always think of them, wonder what they were like, secretly mark their birthday etc.

The fact that she even offered to throw you a baby shower is enormous and would have been so difficult for her to do, and just organising this event will bring her immeasurable pain at every step of the way. It doesn't matter that you were busy in work, you need to understand what a huge thing this is that your sister who experienced the death of her baby just a few month ago is doing for you.

It doesn't matter that her miscarriage was in early pregnancy.

Honestly I think you owe your sister an apology.

She has also told me other people stories of their late miscarriages and babies dying in the womb and getting stuck whilst, tbf unknown to her, I was really worried about mine at the time but I didn’t say anything and let her speak.

Even if she didn't know you were worried, I believe it's common sense you don't tell pregnant women about late miscarriages. I get grief - I had a MMC last November and it was the shock of my life, but this is too far and malicious.

Sorry, pressed send too soon. However, I know that her behaviour comes from a place of grief. I don't think that the fact that she already has children helps, or a beautiful house. Grief is messy and can act weird.

ok so OP had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, so she knows what it's like. And her sister had one at 6 weeks and many of us know what both of those things are like.

They are grown ups. It is perfectly normal, especially approaching what would have been your due date, to mourn the loss of a pregnancy. Even if it was very early. At whatever stage. It can be devastating. Which is why i think the OPs sister needs to get some therapy, because she simply cannot ban all mention of anyone's pregnancy around her. Her sister is playing along with it among family - but someone less close would tell her to get a grip (even sympathetically)

And OP needs to understand that we all have different feelings and needs to shut down the absolutely horrible talk of late miscarriages and stillbirths. That is vile - no matter what the OPs sister is going through.

Talk of shower needs to be put to bed. Decline - be firm but kind - and both of you need to be kinder to each other generally.

You both sound like drama lamas.

She needs to stop blaming others for anything that's gone wrong in her life and you need to stop worrying about her feelings all the time and second guessing what to say.

I'm going to disagree with the majority. I don't think the OP is in the wrong. Yes, her sister miscarried and I'm sure she was devastated but at 6 weeks most people don't even know they are pregnant.
I miscarried 3 times at about 12 - 14 weeks and I was completely devastated but I never made it difficult for friends or family who were pregnant. After all it is not your pregnancy and although it is sad for you as the person who miscarried, other people should be able to be happy.
I think you should both clear the air, sit down together and talk about it. After all, you are sisters and you say you love her!

@ginandtonicwithlimes of course not, that goes without saying surely?
But do you think it's acceptable/normal to tell horror birth stories or behave like that?

Its about basic normal behaviour not minimising anyone else issues/suffering.

I agree that the OP is not at fault here.

Yes, it's said, her sister miscarried. But bloody hell, it was at 6 weeks! I grieved less when I had a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks!

Really depends on context though, doesn't it...

And regardless of grieving, trying to put a downer on someone else's pregnancy IS malicious.

Well you are both as bad as each other.. but it's not a competition. You could just leave it and be the better person but you're just carrying on.

It's your parents I feel sorry for.

OP, your sister is having to stand by and watch your pregnancy progressing knowing that had she not miscarried her pregnancy would have been at a similar stage. I know that if this were me, Id probably want to hide away from everyone for the duration of the pregnancy. You’re a literal reminder of what shes lost. And always will be.
Cut her some slack, shes grieving.

You both sound like drama llamas, but cut her some slack.

A nice house and existing children probably isn't helping her much at the moment.🙄

I’ve said I’ve not given it much thought as she’s not really mentioned it since she asked and she’s not really showed much interest towards the baby

another one who thinks you sound just as bad as each other. While your sister may have been acting out after the miscarriage, I think it was the height of meanness of you to be so dismissive of her offer to throw you a baby shower, and to take that opportunity to accuse her of not showing enough interest in your pregnancy! I mean , come on.

Your sister is hurting. Having a miscarriage is a painful, lonely and isolating experience. Even if it is an early miscarriage, all your hopes and dreams are gone, and only someone who has gone through that experience can truly understand.

Its not your fault, but the fact that you are pregnant will be really difficult for her. Saying things like 'she's still got time to have another' will only add to her feelings of loneliness because it highlights that you don't understand. She wanted that baby, the one she lost, not a future baby that she might have.

It's probably really painful for her to be around you at the moment. Again, not your fault, but I think you need to give her space, and be there for her when she does come to you.

In an ideal world it would be great if your sister could be happy for you, but after what she's just been through, I think you need to accept that understandably that's not going to happen right now.

Yes it wasn’t my best move @Skinthin but it was out of frustration of her telling my mum I’d done something wrong when I literally said quote from WhatsApp —-
Are you still sure you want to do it? I know it might be hard I will completely understand if you don’t want to. I’m up to my eyeballs at the moment with a commissioning report 😩 and got to collect (my son) by 8 so I don’t have time to organise anything or write a list at the mo but I’ll let you know as soon as in next few days ❤️xx

Following this a phone call from my mum asking what I’d done to upset her and another message saying along the lines of you better tell me soon.

I will apologise for what I said but I’ve seen and spoken to her multiple times since she has offered with no mention. Either way from this I’ll either not have one or get someone else to help.