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Original poster

To feel mortified about what I said to neighbour

63 replies

Embarrassed1231 · 01/09/2023 00:37

Moved into a new place 7 months ago. Very unfriendly. I’m not happy here it’s so quiet and boring. I can only describe it as a “ghost town”. I know many people would kill to live somewhere quiet but it’s really lonely and depressing for me. For context DH works away a lot to different places sometimes here in UK, sometimes abroad. I’m home alone with my 7 year old and 3 year old. I have no friends in this new place.

every time I see a neighbour I’m warm and friendly I say hello etc and say we recently moved in etc. but it doesn’t go anywhere. I met another young mum with kids similar ages and invited her for tea and she just wasn’t interested. I do have people to go to coffee with from my kids nursery and school but I really want some type of relationship with my neighbour’s especially as DH works away and it will make me feel less isolated. I hate sitting at home. I can see them all chatting to each other but they never stop to talk to me when I do stop and say hi they just say hi and walk away.

well to the point: I had a few drinks after dinner (very unlike me, I’m extra low today plus on my period). Kids wanted to go on their bikes and we walked one block. Saw a lady with a dog and I did my usual hi we recently moved in nice to meet you etc. she was lovely and stopped to talk to me and I told her how quiet it is here and I’m not happy and want to move back to where we came from (I know so embarrassing!). She said there must be other young mums in the area and she doesn’t really chat to anyone as she’s always in work so she’s not sure. Did I completely make an idiot of myself? I doubt I will ever see her as seriously this place feels like we’re the only ones living here. It’s a small community cul de sac type area of around d 60 houses. Very private. She did say there used to be lots of events in the beginning when she first moved in around 8 years ago but people that would organise them have all moved out

OP posts:
Original poster
Embarrassed1231 · 01/09/2023 00:43

Thank you if you managed to read till the end!

OP posts:
Annaishere · 01/09/2023 00:45

No it’s not that bad

ButterRoad · 01/09/2023 00:46

God, why waste your time somewhere you’re not happy? Your children are young, and if your DH works away that much, he can’t need to live there for office proximity, surely? Do your research and move somewhere less dull?

BounceyB · 01/09/2023 00:46

It's not that bad. I'm sure it will get easier.

Theimpossiblegirl · 01/09/2023 00:48

I'm sure you didn't embarrass yourself. It's the summer holidays so I'm sure when school and other term time stuff starts up you'll meet more people.

Original poster
Embarrassed1231 · 01/09/2023 00:49

@Annaishere thank you. I just felt I said too much to a complete stranger. I know it sounds weird but I had sn idea built in my head from everything Estate Agent said and everytime we visited from initial appointment to follow up etc. it seemed so lovely it seemed like a mix between Ramsay street and wisteria lane (lol I know how strange I sound) but I’m wondering if it was all staged to seem like that? It seems so dark and gloomy now. I never Hardly see anyone. Sometimes days can go by when I dont see anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Embarrassed1231 · 01/09/2023 00:51

We can’t move out so soon. We put all our savings into this house plus with the way interest rates are going we will lose lots of money.

OP posts:
Fooksticks · 01/09/2023 00:58

I think you're putting too much pressure on your neighbours to be your friends. These things take time, years even!

Sorry if I missed it, but are you a SAHM? Is it that you're bored? Would joining the school PTA be an option, something to get involved with and keep you busy a few days a week.

To be honest, I'm fine to give the neighbours a wave and a quick hello, but I'm not looking for friends there and I'd be very evasive if I thought someone was expecting more from me.

LimeTreeGrove · 01/09/2023 00:59

No. You didn't embarrass yourself. She won't have thought anything of it other than "She's friendly. Shame she's not settled in"

Dramatic · 01/09/2023 00:59

Na what you said wasn't embarrassing, I was expecting something much worse from your title

Wingedharpy · 01/09/2023 00:59

Don't know where in the world you are OP, but could you post something on your local Facebook or Next Door page to the effect that you've recently moved to the area and are looking for some kindred spirits to do stuff with?
A woman posted something along those lines on our local page recently asking if any other women would be up for a small group meeting up.
She'd had 98 replies saying yes please, the last time I checked.

Good luck.

I don't think you overshared with dog walking lady.
Her response implied she fully understood your situation.

Stella123456 · 01/09/2023 01:05

LimeTreeGrove · 01/09/2023 00:59

No. You didn't embarrass yourself. She won't have thought anything of it other than "She's friendly. Shame she's not settled in"

Edited

This exactly. she won’t dwell on it but she will think you’re a friendly lady and it’s a shame you don’t feel happy yet.

But I know the feeling of shame after over sharing and thinking you’ve done the wrong thing. But you haven’t embarrassed yourself in this case. You were friendly and open. That’s ok!

Original poster
Embarrassed1231 · 01/09/2023 01:05

@Wingedharpy that would be a good idea but it wouldn’t work where I am. It’s a very private area. You can’t walk anywhere. We moved here for the sole reason it was sold to us as a community where all the kids play outside and there’s regular meet-ups. That’s why I feel it was staged. When we came for 2nd viewing there was a lady walking by (never seen her since) and asked her how it’s like living there she told us her kids in local school and all the parents at just let their kids out on the green area and it’s so safe etc. etc.

I’m not pressuring anyone to be my friend as another poster suggested! I’m just really low as I imagined something and it’s not what I thought it was. I have never seen any kids playing even on hot weather , it’s literally a ghost town.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2023 01:11

Get out, go places, volunteer, join a gym, take the kids to classes. You can't expect to be friends with your neighbours, that's just not realistic. Lots of people do not want close relationships with neighbours as it can open several cans of worms.

If you want your life to be different, you have to make that happen.

Wingedharpy · 01/09/2023 01:16

What do you mean by "it's a very private area" and " you can't walk anywhere"? - Do you mean it's remote?
Do you drive and/or have access to transport?
Would a part time job help you feel less isolated.

Original poster
Embarrassed1231 · 01/09/2023 01:17

yeah I think I need to stop fixating on what we were told about this place as I’m sure it was heavily embellished. I need to start focusing on establishing relationships outside. I’m not looking for deep connected friendships I was just looking for you know a quick chat at the fence type relationship or at least an acknowledgment like hello. I do t know why people think I want a deep meaningful relationship with my neighbours. I just wanted a civil atmosphere where kids could play with neighbour kids. The green area is in the middle and my house faces it. I could literallly sit inside having tea whilst kids played. I’ve sent them out In warm weather but there are never any kids around even during school term weekends etc.

OP posts:
Crackl3andpop · 01/09/2023 01:34

Have you looked at that peanut app ? I haven’t used it so don’t know what it’s like but it’s forever coming up on my local area Facebook page. I’d keep sending the kids to play on the green, keep going for walks, keep smiling at people.
you should also look on Facebook for local groups , activities or mum pages . Where I live there is a mum things to do page.
And why not find a local club for the kids like football, athletics etc as you’d probably find lots of chatty mums here. Good luck, motherhood can be lonely

TenOhSeven · 01/09/2023 01:34

It's pretty full on if you're trying to strike up a conversation with everyone you walk past on the street. One of my neighbours does this to me and I hate it. Just smile and say hello. Maybe in time you will chat more with the people you see most often. But don't force it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/09/2023 01:38

Places go through cycles, and you may have bought at the end of a "all kids together" cycle.

I remember when I grew up we were in a street where all the kids where the same age-ish. We played together, all the parents were friends, there were street parties etc. Then we all hit teens about the same time and our parents all got a fair bit of equity in the houses they bought in the 70's (this was mid 80's just before the massive interest rate hike), so almost all of them upgraded. The people left were older with grandkids at best. There were a couple of families with young kids, but nothing like when I was young (I was 15 when we moved and we were the last of that cohort to leave).

Now it is a street full of young families again. YOu may find that although it has been like that until recently, the kids are not at the "playing together" stage and have morphed into the "sitting in their rooms on their phones" stage. I think that you maybe need to focus less on your neighbours and more on building friendships in a wider area.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 01/09/2023 01:41

It's really tough when you realise that you haven't spoken to another adult for days. When the schools are back do you walk them to school or do you have to drive? Walking gives more opportunity to say hi and maybe arrange play dates.

I moved almost 2 years ago and assumed, because I have a dog to walk, that I would meet plenty of people. Hasn't really worked out that way. 🙁

MrsMorrisey · 01/09/2023 01:42

I don't think you overshared , you were just honest.
I wouldn't worry about it x

Original poster
Embarrassed1231 · 01/09/2023 01:43

I drive everywhere. I could technically walk to the nearest shop which would take 28 minutes. School would take longer as little ones walk slow and can’t scooter on most of the area as it’s grass and I would have to carry the scooters etc.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2023 01:56

I just wanted a civil atmosphere

It is civil. No one is bullying you or being rude. Be thankful for that.

FictionalCharacter · 01/09/2023 02:04

Good lord, I thought you were going to say you told a stranger about your anal fissures or your partner’s premature ejaculation. You didn’t say anything at all embarrassing.

Odd that there are no children around. Is it mostly retired people? Is it a village?

junbean · 01/09/2023 02:16

I don’t think you embarrassed yourself. It sounds like you had expectations and got disappointed. Sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to happen. I agree with pp, it can take time to make connections. Where I’m from it’s normal to make a small gift basket of something homemade, like baked goods, or even just some wine, and take it the neighbors. In your case since you are looking for connection you could be the gift bearer. My grandmother used to have me help make gifts for the neighbors when I was little. It taught me how to be friendly and to always reach out to people who might be lonely. Maybe your neighbors never got that lesson at home. I do think you are overthinking things a bit, but I do understand the way you feel. I dream of living somewhere quieter but I’m terrified of feeling lonely, as you described. Hopefully you can find a balance. I think you might need to be the one to reach out and make your intentions known.