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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel mortified about what I said to neighbour

63 replies

Embarrassed1231 · 01/09/2023 00:37

Moved into a new place 7 months ago. Very unfriendly. I’m not happy here it’s so quiet and boring. I can only describe it as a “ghost town”. I know many people would kill to live somewhere quiet but it’s really lonely and depressing for me. For context DH works away a lot to different places sometimes here in UK, sometimes abroad. I’m home alone with my 7 year old and 3 year old. I have no friends in this new place.

every time I see a neighbour I’m warm and friendly I say hello etc and say we recently moved in etc. but it doesn’t go anywhere. I met another young mum with kids similar ages and invited her for tea and she just wasn’t interested. I do have people to go to coffee with from my kids nursery and school but I really want some type of relationship with my neighbour’s especially as DH works away and it will make me feel less isolated. I hate sitting at home. I can see them all chatting to each other but they never stop to talk to me when I do stop and say hi they just say hi and walk away.

well to the point: I had a few drinks after dinner (very unlike me, I’m extra low today plus on my period). Kids wanted to go on their bikes and we walked one block. Saw a lady with a dog and I did my usual hi we recently moved in nice to meet you etc. she was lovely and stopped to talk to me and I told her how quiet it is here and I’m not happy and want to move back to where we came from (I know so embarrassing!). She said there must be other young mums in the area and she doesn’t really chat to anyone as she’s always in work so she’s not sure. Did I completely make an idiot of myself? I doubt I will ever see her as seriously this place feels like we’re the only ones living here. It’s a small community cul de sac type area of around d 60 houses. Very private. She did say there used to be lots of events in the beginning when she first moved in around 8 years ago but people that would organise them have all moved out

OP posts:
Annaishere · 01/09/2023 11:54

No it’s not if she wasn’t too drunk too look after them

Lottiexox · 01/09/2023 12:08

I really don’t understand this, but I’ve previously had neighbours who have really invaded my space when I just want some privacy, and I have lived in some areas where the neighbours have been a nightmare and I still do but fortunately they don’t bother me.. my immediate neighbours are all really pleasant. And it’s usually a short conversation when I see them. I think joining something at school or posting something on Facebook would be a good shout not everyone wants to be bothered when they are home or people are busy with their own lives.

NeedToChangeName · 01/09/2023 12:21

My parents still speak fondly of someone who hosted a drinks party to introduce them to their new neighbours. It was very kind of him. But, probably quite unusual. I think your comment to the dog walker was totally fine, nothing to be embarrassed about

I agree with PP. It can take a long time to develop friendships. And many people aren't looking to form friendships with neighbours. They just want a cordial relationship with someone who will put bins out when they're on holiday. And that's OK

Could you join a book group or sports club?

LarryandLeon · 01/09/2023 12:29

For whatever mumsnet seems quite anti having relationships with neighbours/ expecting anything from anyone. I don’t think you are being unreasonable to expect to feel at least welcomed by your neighbours. This is always where I feel people get London wrong, wherever I’ve lived there has always been contact with neighbours in some respect. I’m not sure if it’s because you’re more on top of each other in a city or because it’s designed so you have to walk more so you have more interaction. Anyway I’m sorry you are feeling lonely & vulnerable OP, I don’t think you did anything to be embarrassed about. I really hope you start building some more networks- maybe when the kids start back at school?

Autumn7 · 01/09/2023 12:38

Is it a private estate? South coast?

smashburger · 01/09/2023 12:43

Try not introducing yourself. For a couple of days when you see any of them just look up, smile without showing your teeth and look away.
It's not as friendly as you've been so far and I bet they start trying to talk to you when you're not giving much away

NameChange96 · 01/09/2023 12:51

No you were just honest imo

NoNeedforALlama · 01/09/2023 13:03

Don't know why I'm thinking this because there must be loads of new build estates similar but does it happen to be in the midlands area and start with H?

Original poster
Embarrassed1231 · 01/09/2023 14:46

Thanks everyone. No it’s in London and yes it’s a private estate gated. I’m not really used to the quiet of it all. I moved from another place in London which was always bustling with energy and people, I didn’t exactly make best mates with my neighbours in previous place but I was never lonely or depressed like I am here. I know it might not be articulated properly but the silence is really horrible. I know I used to wish for some peace sometimes but I hate this silence,

OP posts:
user1477391263 · 01/09/2023 16:07

Can you give it a year or so, try exploring the surrounding areas more and making friends outside your immediate area (while of course also giving your neighbors a chance)?

Not the best time to move right now, but things may change in a year or two.

And it would also give you a chance to really research other areas, just in case you do decide to move after a couple of years. Moving to a very car-dependent new build (why, oh why, does the UK keep building these things on the edges of towns?) when you don’t want to have to drive everywhere and are used to bustly inner city areas was a bit mad, and picking an area based on a chance encounter with one person who seemed friendly was a bit mad as well - I’m not saying this to kick you when you’re down, just to make the point that if you might end up moving again in the future, you need to think about why your choices didn’t work out this time, so that you don’t make similar mistakes again.

Did you perhaps come under a lot of subtle pressure from family members - you know “Oooh, kids need a detached house and a garden, it must be awful for them living in such a crowded area” etc.? I remember getting a lot of that when I first had kids. Thankfully, most people do eventually shut up and drop the subject….

TinyTigerTime23 · 03/09/2023 19:58

Embarrassed1231 · 01/09/2023 00:37

Moved into a new place 7 months ago. Very unfriendly. I’m not happy here it’s so quiet and boring. I can only describe it as a “ghost town”. I know many people would kill to live somewhere quiet but it’s really lonely and depressing for me. For context DH works away a lot to different places sometimes here in UK, sometimes abroad. I’m home alone with my 7 year old and 3 year old. I have no friends in this new place.

every time I see a neighbour I’m warm and friendly I say hello etc and say we recently moved in etc. but it doesn’t go anywhere. I met another young mum with kids similar ages and invited her for tea and she just wasn’t interested. I do have people to go to coffee with from my kids nursery and school but I really want some type of relationship with my neighbour’s especially as DH works away and it will make me feel less isolated. I hate sitting at home. I can see them all chatting to each other but they never stop to talk to me when I do stop and say hi they just say hi and walk away.

well to the point: I had a few drinks after dinner (very unlike me, I’m extra low today plus on my period). Kids wanted to go on their bikes and we walked one block. Saw a lady with a dog and I did my usual hi we recently moved in nice to meet you etc. she was lovely and stopped to talk to me and I told her how quiet it is here and I’m not happy and want to move back to where we came from (I know so embarrassing!). She said there must be other young mums in the area and she doesn’t really chat to anyone as she’s always in work so she’s not sure. Did I completely make an idiot of myself? I doubt I will ever see her as seriously this place feels like we’re the only ones living here. It’s a small community cul de sac type area of around d 60 houses. Very private. She did say there used to be lots of events in the beginning when she first moved in around 8 years ago but people that would organise them have all moved out

It's normal to over share when you feel lonely. The human need for connection.

Feministeee · 02/11/2023 13:28

Sounds rubbish. I was wondering why it might be. Are they really so much posher? Sounds awful if that’s the reason.
Are you considered an attractive woman? That doesn’t always ingratiate other women in my humble experience lol
see how it goes. I don’t know if there are ways to make your own community further afield such as activities you or kids could drive to.

If you do make friends elsewhere the strange ignorant ones won’t seem as important anymore. You deserve to be happy though so something will have to give imo x

friendlyflicka · 19/12/2023 17:21

I really understand.

I am a naturally smiley person who says hallo to people and like having a quick bit of small talk. Not long winded: just admire their dog or something. We have just moved to a new village and it is honestly the unfriendliest place in the world. People are stony. Not local people just the incomers like us.

Even in their cars they don't thank me for giving way and when I am riding my horse it is me who has to dive out of their way and they don't even seem to notice...

Because I am with my new partner, we can joke about it, and even though I would rather people were a bit friendlier, it is not something I lose sleep about.

However, as a single parent, it would have upset me. I think the advice about doing activities is good. Activities you actually enjoy, not doing them for the sake of meeting people alone.

I am originally from London and I didn't find it unfriendly, but I had a background there and my family and my friends. Very good luck

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