To feel mortified about what I said to neighbour

[Embarrassed1231]

Moved into a new place 7 months ago. Very unfriendly. I’m not happy here it’s so quiet and boring. I can only describe it as a “ghost town”. I know many people would kill to live somewhere quiet but it’s really lonely and depressing for me. For context DH works away a lot to different places sometimes here in UK, sometimes abroad. I’m home alone with my 7 year old and 3 year old. I have no friends in this new place.

every time I see a neighbour I’m warm and friendly I say hello etc and say we recently moved in etc. but it doesn’t go anywhere. I met another young mum with kids similar ages and invited her for tea and she just wasn’t interested. I do have people to go to coffee with from my kids nursery and school but I really want some type of relationship with my neighbour’s especially as DH works away and it will make me feel less isolated. I hate sitting at home. I can see them all chatting to each other but they never stop to talk to me when I do stop and say hi they just say hi and walk away.

well to the point: I had a few drinks after dinner (very unlike me, I’m extra low today plus on my period). Kids wanted to go on their bikes and we walked one block. Saw a lady with a dog and I did my usual hi we recently moved in nice to meet you etc. she was lovely and stopped to talk to me and I told her how quiet it is here and I’m not happy and want to move back to where we came from (I know so embarrassing!). She said there must be other young mums in the area and she doesn’t really chat to anyone as she’s always in work so she’s not sure. Did I completely make an idiot of myself? I doubt I will ever see her as seriously this place feels like we’re the only ones living here. It’s a small community cul de sac type area of around d 60 houses. Very private. She did say there used to be lots of events in the beginning when she first moved in around 8 years ago but people that would organise them have all moved out

It sounds like one of those sterile new built areas that are too far from shops and amenities for people to walk. I’d be really upset too, I live living somewhere where folk are out and about and you bump into your neighbours every few days just for a ‘nice holiday?’, ‘lovely weather!’ Or ‘would you be able to take my bin ihr, we’re away next week…’ Not friendships, but just neighbourly. And yes lots of kids playing out informally. I hate that you were led to believe that kind of thing existed already. It may develop with time but in the meantime I’d try find alternatives and just go for hobbies and clubs etc.

I think this is your problem, you’ve settled somewhere with few amenities nearby.

I can’t imagine being a half hour from the nearest shop!

How far are your family?

Yes - in terms of settling in, I'd say it was still early days.

I agree with other posters that you can't really depend on neighbours for friendship - you do need to cast your net a bit wider. Is there anything at the children's school you could join - the PTA or similar? Or look for local groups - reading groups/choirs/yoga/voluntary work?

Sometimes things feels at their most hopeless just before they start to get better, but you'll need to be a bit pro-active and patient. Good luck!

I'd drive to near the school, park and then walk the rest of the way.

You didn't embarrass yourself talking to the neighbour. That was perfectly normal chat I think.

I've moved loads of times and it does take a while to feel settled.

Don't know how mortgages work in the UK, but is there a way to rent out your property and rent elsewhere?

Yes it is a new build as a poster guessed! The shops are 5 minutes drive away but takes me 28 minutes to walk with my kids I timed it then had to Uber back as walk was not easy. Again I’m not looking for them to be my best mates and go for dinner etc! like a PP poster said just “neighbourly”.

No one welcomed us even though they saw us move in. we smiled to the few we saw on the day but no response from them! There are kids here, My kids go up to the ones we do occasionally see but the parents are very cold they never even ask us how we settling on or any questions a normal person would ask. It’s just a really horrible atmosphere and to PP who said they are civil and don’t bully us well purposely ignoring someone and making them left out is a form of bullying. They chat and stop to each other, they are fully aware we’ve moved in but not one “welcome” or other kind words from them.

I’ve lived in places before it’s not as if I was expecting them to come over with gift baskets! It’s a really odd atmosphere it kind of feels like they think they’re too posh to talk to us. It is an expensive development but I can’t find any other reason for their odd behaviour and I’m sorry it is odd to not welcome the new people just a quick hello.

Be careful what you wish for.
I live opposite a similar bit of green space, it a triangle shape My house is the middle one of three one one side of the triangle with three houses on the opposite side, five houses at the end. It used to be a magnet for local kids to play football on, the noise, swearing, screaming was awful during lockdown and last year was particularly bad.

No not at all. The neighbours around you can make a huge difference to your day to day life. My neighbours are all fabulous except 1 who seemed hell bent on destroy the whole street and friendly community area. Our kids go to school together, we chat and that's what you need. Is there anything on locally you can meet other mums who live near you at? Can you arrange a small get together like a little Halloween thing at the front of your house were you meet all the neighbours?

You didn't embarrass yourself. You were vulnerable and that's what it takes to build relationships. We were actually introduced to another family by the vicar (neither really church people but both having christenings at the same time). Can you find a church community (or other religion is you'd like)- if you just go a few weeks you'll soon meet some key community members and they'll be able to put you in touch with other young families... especially in the lead up to Christmas as they'll have some fun Christmas events coming up for kids. Good luck.

No it’s a completely normal thing to say, don’t worry about it.

You need to be more active in making friends.

Some of the things that can work.. get a job, parents at various kids clubs, adult clubs like choirs, park runs, meet-ups, walking groups, local crafting groups, volunteering (clearing up the park or whatever) or joining something like the parish council.

Finding a reliable babysitter would be an important first step.

It’s annoying if your neighbours aren’t up for socialising but most women work these days and with jobs, family and existing friendship groups they may simply not have the bandwidth to be more than polite to a new neighbour.

@Fundays12 i was thinking the sane but there’s 60 houses in the development. I wouldn’t be able to cater for them all, if I invited only those houses directly near me I have no idea if they have kids or not as I’ve never barely said more than hi to any of them,

In a lot of places it takes time to settle and make friends with neighbours.

Don't focus on only befriending other young mums. Obviously it's preferable as you are a mum, but it'll only narrow the pool at the moment. It's perfectly possible to be friends with people who don't have children.

Don't force it, either. Whilst generally people are happy to befriend others, they can smell desperation a mile away and it can be offputting.

When I moved to my current place with DP (opposite end of the UK, essentially) I spent the first year hating it. Several years on I'm much happier and have built genuine good relationships with neighbours etc. It takes time. A bit of home baking taken round to introduce yourself is never a bad idea.

Hang in there. Speak to existing friends on the phone to keep you from getting too lonely. Join some clubs if you can.

I read and was waiting to hear what you said that was embarrassing. There was nothing embarrassing there.

Thank you @RuthW and everyone else. I just feel I made myself really vulnerable. I do feel really small and vulnerable. I just wish we never moved here. It’s awful. As it’s remote everyone just gets in and out of their cars and you never hardly see anyone.

Firstly, you haven't embarrassed yourself, you've just opened up slightly to a stranger, but honestly nothing over the top.

If being able to get about on foot would help, you can get scooters that will cope with bumpier terrain. The pavement on the way to my kids school is awful and my daughter came off her scooter quite badly because of it. We got her one of these
https://www.amazon.co.uk/BIKESTAR-Scooter-brakes-mudguard-Wheels/dp/B00BUXG14A/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=GZXCZB83SGI6&keywords=bikestar+scooter&qid=1693558548&sprefix=bikestar+s%2Caps%2C104&sr=8-1
And it solved the problem completely. Only a small thing I know, but it's something practical that I can suggest.

Could it be quiet as it's holiday time? Loads of people away. We've hardly seen anyone recently due to this. How long have you been there?

Oh sorry. Just seen 7 months.
What a shame you aren't happy.
Can you volunteer at the local school/help out on the pta. I know everyone jokes about PtA mums but it's a good way to get to know people in the community.

@Embarrassed1231 I can so relate to how you're feeling. It's making me think back and reflect on moving to new places and how hard it can be, and wanting something that is called 'community', without even really knowing what that might be, and whether I was failing to find it, whether it was me or them etc.

Then I just thought about how it changed for me and (maybe this is me of course) it was always by joining something or other. Baby groups, art classes, yoga classes, reading groups - there must be something out there that you can make a start with. I understand also you might well have babysitting needs in order to do things, are you free in the day or have you still got a child at home? When's your free time? Have you looked at local groups or classes?
There must be a way to improve things for you. It might only take finding one other mum in a similar boat! That's what I'm remembering cracked it for me, more than once. I moved a lot. I managed to find one or two other mums each time, but not easily - I'm not even a very sociable person but I think you need other people when your children are still little.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Oh and you said nothing out of the ordinary!

Don't be embarrassed, nothing to be embarrassed about.

But you may have to move to make things better for yourself. I say this because you've (accidentally) picked a location that simply doesn't attract people who want a friendly, neighbourly atmosphere. Generally, those sorts of people don't choose to move to places without shops, pubs or other amenities. There's no community there because there's nothing to support it. And that will inevitably created a cold, insular atmosphere.

That'll be the last time you fall for flowery estate agent bullshit nonsense.

Good post, especially about there being no infrastructure to support a sense of community on your estate, or anywhere nearby, and that in turn possibly attracting a preponderance of people who don’t prioritise that kind of thing, but view their houses as a retreat from the world of work/ people.

Look at the significant percentage of Mners who actively avoid human contact outside the absolutely necessary, put on their pyjamas straight from work, regard visitors as a horrifying test of their cleanliness, see friendships as ‘drama’ and neighbours as potential noise and trouble. They always talk about wanting to live on a croft in the middle of nowhere, but in my experience, remote places require engagement with other people, even if you live a long way apart — if you really want no engagement with the world outside your house, you’re far better off living on a commuter estate where people are either inside their houses/back gardens, or getting into the car to drive somewhere.

Hopefully, you will eventually find people who are more interested in/open to some form of basic neighbourly relationship, if that is what you need. You need to stop believing EAs! They are salespeople, and ‘This is a soulless, amenity-less cluster of people-boxes inhabited by people who don’t mind driving for a pint of milk and have no interest in their neighbours as long as they’re quiet’ will only sell to a particular type of buyer.

I think the thjng with community is you have to find outlets to throw yourself into. Someone has already suggested the PTA which is a great way to get to know lots of people in a way that's easier to manage with a younger child too.
Volunteering, local campaign groups, "friends of" groups for green spaces. Get on local Facebook pages/ next door (though it's a bit mad on there usually.) Find out what's going on and how you can contribute/ be an active part of it.

You have my sympathies. It's hard being alone a lot and moving blues are every real. But the community you crave won't come to you, you have to put yourself out there. These things take time.

Have a big bawl or hit a pillow and vent your frustration over the dream vs the reality and then try to accept it and investigate what you can do to put yourself out there.

Lots of places are quiet in the summer and plenty of people come across as rude when they're just awkward. Good luck!

Can't you start organising activities for the other residents if the people who used to do it have moved out?

I can't keep track of when we moved into our house let alone when neighbours moved! It wouldn't occur to me months down the line to ask someone how they were settling in. People are busy - yes you might strike it lucky and find a ready made community but most of us are rushing from one thing to another and only really have time for a quick hi on the doorstep. Our neighbours are great but we've barely seen each other all summer because we're all busy with the kids and holidays and work.

I think throwing yourself into activities is a good idea- a friend of mine moved to a new area and she joined loads of groups with her kids before she found a job and built up a good network of friends and contacts that way. Are you working?

Don't be embarrassed about the dog walking lady, I'd think you were friendly and it was a shame you were feeling isolated but probably not know what would be helpful to suggest. I'd also be impressed that you were honest about how you were feeling as so many of us aren't and possibly passing by other lonely people.

Look outside for kids activity groups or some hobby/volunteering when you have childcare for social connections so there is a common interest starting point to build on and you also have a bit of distance if the friendship doesn't pan out and keep home a santuary.

When I moved in one neighbour was very chatty and they introduced me to others as had lived there years. Quite a few on this stretch of street aren't busy working so I guess make bit more effort to make those connections and they do help each other out which I was really grateful for. It was strange at first as previous nicer neighbourhoods people greeted but I only had conversations with few in all the years there so it may not be that neighbours aren't friendly just feel that brief 'hi' is the expected social etiquette and not wanting to intrude or aren't socially comfortable with small talk.
In this poorer area it seems more common for neighbours to talk to each other (and sometimes noisly fall out too). The downside is they are nosey and gossip with each other so you have to be very careful about what you let slip and it can feel like a fishbowl less peaceful than when more people are working away in daytime. Some CF too who if give an inch will take a mile and are then harder to avoid.

You shouldn't be drinking and incharge of kids that's very neglectful.