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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end things with a good man

53 replies

PoleaxedAndSome · 31/08/2023 22:03

Posting here because I want brutal honesty. I’ve posted before under this username- about 2 years ago my marriage fell apart in spectacular fashion due to infidelity on my then husbands part.

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for just under a year now. He is a good man- he cares deeply for his kids, he has a steady job, he’s funny, great in bed, he makes me feel special, he constantly tells me I’m beautiful and that he’s lucky to have me. And yet- I find myself constantly doubting whether he’s the one for me.

can anyone who has been in a similar situation advice? Is this a sign that he’s not in fact ‘for me’? Or am I just really overthinking things because I’ve had a marriage - that I thought would be until
death do us part- fall apart.

OP posts:
GloomySkies · 31/08/2023 22:05

Does he need to be "the one for you"? Couldn't you just enjoy the company and sex and let him be "the one for now"?

jlpth · 31/08/2023 22:05

I’d say it’s because of the cheating.

I wouldn’t end it I don’t think just based on that.

MissBiljanaElectronika · 31/08/2023 22:07

There is no “the one”

that is a fairytale myth

he sounds great, and a good choice to build a relationship with

but if you don’t want him, or don’t want a relationship that is fair enough, and just don’t then

but holding out for “the one” is Carrie-Bradshaw-level silliness 😁

Plappad · 31/08/2023 22:08

That's understandable you're feeling that way. It could be that you're simply protecting yourself, or that your gut is picking up on something - impossible to know immediately.

Agree with PP - can you allow yourself to just enjoy the moment, see how things go?

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 31/08/2023 22:08

Appreciate the response @GloomySkies but no- that’s not how he feels. He is very much all in and picturing us having a life together and I feel… I can’t just use him for fun for now. He deserves better than that. But at the same time, I can’t enjoy it for over-thinking

OP posts:
RocketIceLollie · 31/08/2023 22:09

Life is what happens whilst you're busy making other plans.... basically you could be throwing away something good for the hope of something better that might not ever come along.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 31/08/2023 22:11

There isn't much in this post about how you feel about him, or why you have doubts. In this situation, you can set the bar as high as you like, because you don't 'need' him presumably for money or to have children and the marriage is gone, so it's really up to you whether you are enjoying this or not.

Wishthiswasntmypost · 31/08/2023 22:13

I felt like this. I was probably romantically numb I think following shit marriage. 13 yrs later.... he's the kindest most generous, loyal, loving husband. No regrets

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 31/08/2023 22:14

@MissBiljanaElectronika ahh but what do you do when you (like me) have experienced that absolute ‘Carrie Bradshaw’ certainty? And then it fell apart?

I’m probably not explaining it very well but I guess essentially my internal struggle is-
I’ve experienced that absolute certainty, that swept off off your feet, head over heels
love… with my ex husband. I’m not sure whether now the absence of that feeling is because there’s something missing,
or because - since that marriage failed- I’ve changed/matured/am now looking for comfortable rather than Grand Romance.

OP posts:
Nellieinthebarn · 31/08/2023 22:14

Is he pushing you to make a commitment you're not ready for? If so that might be the reason something doesn't feel right.

HungryandIknowit · 31/08/2023 22:15

Are you attracted to him?

Switcher · 31/08/2023 22:16

Very hard to say. I've been out with plenty of very nice, and incidentally rich men who would have given me a carefree life, but I just didn't fancy them. Then again I'm struggling a bit ATM to keep fancying my not at all carefree husband.

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 31/08/2023 22:21

@Highdaysandholidays1 no, though I’m young still I’m financially independent and I have two children and definitely don’t want more. I don’t need him in that sense.

@Nellieinthebarn he’s not pushing - he’s considerate of my desire to take it slowly. But he’s very open emotionally. I appreciate that this sounds insanely self centred but I sometimes get the feeling that though he’s had long term relationships previously, im
his first real… absolute head over heels love. (He was with the mother of his kids for about a decade but they fell pregnant about two months in and he’s not the type to bail).

I really enjoy my time with him but… sometimes I feel a fraud because I’ve felt how he seems to feel before… but not with him.

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 31/08/2023 22:21

Is this some sort of self destruct?

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2023 22:25

Were things very angsty and fiery with your ex even before his cheating and part of you associates pain and drama with love so an easy going man who adores you feels boring?

That might not apply to you at all but it’s a thing.

Blueskies121 · 31/08/2023 22:43

@PoleaxedAndSome This post could have been written by me so I'm really interested in the replies.

Oioicaptain · 31/08/2023 22:47

There are different types of love. Lust/stomach in knot types and the steady slow burner. My husband was definitely in the latter category as we were friends first. But 30 years on I fancy him more than ever. Stop over thinking it. I think that you're worried about getting in too deep too quickly. But unless he starts to push for greater commitment, it's fine. And at that point you just explain that it's still early days and that you want to take things slowly. If you are worried about breaking his heart, then I highly doubt that it would make a difference if you did so sooner rather than later. To break his heart now because of the fear of possibly breaking it later is a rather nonsensical self sabotaging stuff. And it would be unfair on him not to at least give things a fair chance. To be honest, he sounds quite dreamy and I think that you know this but are holding back lest you get hurt. Just go and enjoy things with him. Book a weekend away somewhere nice. Have fun.

Globules · 31/08/2023 23:36

I understand. You fell for your XH and it went tits up after you committed for life. Is it possible there's a fear there of committing again?

Ask yourself if you want a commitment now or later. Or never.

Ask yourself what you don't like about this man.

Ask yourself what person Mr Perfect would be if he rang your doorbell.

Then talk to him about it. If he's lovely in all the ways you describe, he'll listen.

Original poster
PoleaxedAndSome · 01/09/2023 10:36

Appreciate all the responses… a couple of people have mentioned self destructing and it’s definitely a possibility. I can have a tendency to be a ‘if you’re happy and you know it, overthink’ type.

someone asked if I was attracted to him, yes I am. It’s not that. It’s more that, when we’re together we have a great and very easy relationship. And then I leave and immediately doubt whether it’s right for me. I suppose another possibility is that it might just be a little too soon- I certainly wasn’t looking for another long term (possibly forever) relationship when I met him.

OP posts:
DutchCowgirl · 01/09/2023 10:42

I have a friend with very self destructive tendencies. She’s married to a really good guy but she just has to ruin it by cheating with really bad guys. Like “drug dealer -bad”. She just can’t be happy with a good man. Is it something like that for you?

DutchCowgirl · 01/09/2023 10:44

Or is it low self esteem maybe, that there is this little voice inside your head that tells you really don’t deserve all this happiness and something awfull will happen and you’ll end up alone and miserable. I have that voice sometimes…

TheAloe · 01/09/2023 10:44

Is he too nice for you? Hear me out. Some women only “click” with arseholes. It’s actually a fear of true intimacy. Be careful as some women simply choose to never have a good man. Strange but true.

User63847439572 · 01/09/2023 11:05

Sounds a bit like he’s getting too heavy/intense too quickly for you (and relatively speaking it is still quite soon after your marriage breakdown), so perhaps on a basic level he’s just scaring you off a bit

notlucreziaborgia · 01/09/2023 11:41

There’s nothing wrong with being single, don’t feel you ‘have’ to have a man, or keep hold of this one because it makes sense on paper, or because people think you should.

Someone can be perfectly lovely, and not be right for you.

WirKindervomBahnhofZoo · 01/09/2023 11:49

I was in exactly the same position as you and also felt exactly the same way about it. It has led me to push him away and now I'm regretting it. Too much overthinking and self destructive thoughts. You don't realise what you've got until it's gone!