Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To end things with a good man

53 replies

PoleaxedAndSome · 31/08/2023 22:03

Posting here because I want brutal honesty. I’ve posted before under this username- about 2 years ago my marriage fell apart in spectacular fashion due to infidelity on my then husbands part.

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for just under a year now. He is a good man- he cares deeply for his kids, he has a steady job, he’s funny, great in bed, he makes me feel special, he constantly tells me I’m beautiful and that he’s lucky to have me. And yet- I find myself constantly doubting whether he’s the one for me.

can anyone who has been in a similar situation advice? Is this a sign that he’s not in fact ‘for me’? Or am I just really overthinking things because I’ve had a marriage - that I thought would be until
death do us part- fall apart.

OP posts:

WirKindervomBahnhofZoo · 01/09/2023 11:53

I also had the thing where when we were together it was great but as soon as he was out the door I was thinking whether it was really what I wanted. Being married to a dick for 25 years has really messed with my head. I seem unable to just let go and enjoy something for what it is.

TheWrenTheWren · 01/09/2023 11:59

I'd take your feelings seriously on this one -- you say yourself you weren't planning on getting into anything serious so soon. And it isn't obligatory to stay with someone because they're a 'good man' and your relationship is good, and he makes you feel special. I've ended things with more than one good man because it just wasn't working for me.

NeedToChangeName · 01/09/2023 12:05

I'm wondering, were you quite young when you met your exH? If so, that might explain the Carrie Bradshaw "he's the one" feeling

I find, as I get older, I'm less of the view that there is "the one", and more inclined to think that "a good man" is a real catch

And I don't think that's me lowering my standards. I think it's a more realistic / mature approach

Greenwitchhorse · 01/09/2023 12:13

But what is the issue?

Can't you just enjoy your time with him for now without the need to overthink everything?

You don't need to project into the future and think about moving in with him, marriage and so on.

You just got out of a difficult long term relationship and there is no urgency to jump into another one.

Or you might simply enjoy being single for a while.

I think the idea that you should always seek for the mythical ''one'' who will be your lifelong partner is a bit naive and frankly unrealistic.

BygoneDays · 01/09/2023 12:35

Trust your gut instinct. Leave him now.

Circe7 · 01/09/2023 12:45

I’m recently divorced. If I have another relationship I think I will have a very different model for it i.e if you like the person and enjoy they’re company for now that’s fine. It doesn’t have to be going anywhere or be the right person for the rest of your life. It might be that I never want to move in with someone or get married again etc and that’s fine as long as it works for both of us. I think that mentality might take the pressure off for you?

Elfandwellbeing · 01/09/2023 12:45

Relationships are like personalities, all different, some good, some bad and ugly. Some exciting, sounds like the spark of excitement is missing. If that’s s what you want, and it’s missing, either accept it, embrace it, or chuck him back.

TheAloe · 01/09/2023 12:47

@NeedToChangeName

Yes it’s about maturity and enjoying things as they are, right now.

Deargodletitgo · 01/09/2023 12:56

Oh this sounds like me, I'm happy but thinking too much about the future, could we move in with each other as we both have kids....and would I even want to?

I think it's self sabotage frankly

Bapbap45 · 01/09/2023 12:59

I really identify with your post.

We've literally just broken up. I can't give him more than what we have right now, and he (no kids) wants the whole thing.

Like you, I felt great with him, but then doubts when not in his company. He is absolutely a good man, and the reason this is hurting so bad is that although he is, we're still on different tracks. I've been there and done that, he wants to do it still.

I couldn't live with the knowledge that I might hold him back from finding that with someone, whereas I could have kept this going for years as it is.

Not much advice, just a nod of solidarity. I'm 5 days into the break up, and it's hurting. I miss him a lot. But, BUT, I'm trying to remember there were things I didn't appreciate as much. He's not perfect. I couldn't see myself and my kids living with him, it would have been too much for them any time in the next 5 or so years as we're approaching tween and teen years.

And I worry I'll never be happy but like you maybe it was too soon and maybe I'll come away from this with more understanding of these feelings.

Cupcakekiller · 01/09/2023 13:00

Do you genuinely enjoy spending time with him? Do you miss him if you don't see him for awhile? Do you look forward to seeing him? Is he the first person you'd tell if you had good or bad news?

Bapbap45 · 01/09/2023 13:06

Cupcakekiller · 01/09/2023 13:00

Do you genuinely enjoy spending time with him? Do you miss him if you don't see him for awhile? Do you look forward to seeing him? Is he the first person you'd tell if you had good or bad news?

It could be yes to all of those, and you can still feel like the OP.

Cupcakekiller · 01/09/2023 13:40

@Bapbap45 I'm not saying what the OP should or shouldn't do, just giving her some other things to think about.

Newnamehiwhodis · 01/09/2023 13:43

Don’t understand which way the vote goes - YANBU to end it. The “good man” thing is largely an illusion that’s based on fairly shallow criteria.

someone doesn’t have to be awful for it to simply not be a fit.

Longagonow96 · 01/09/2023 13:46

PoleaxedAndSome · 31/08/2023 22:08

Appreciate the response @GloomySkies but no- that’s not how he feels. He is very much all in and picturing us having a life together and I feel… I can’t just use him for fun for now. He deserves better than that. But at the same time, I can’t enjoy it for over-thinking

Then stop over thinking. Honestly, some people are never satisfied.

jeaux90 · 01/09/2023 13:47

OP I have a slightly different take. I am a lone parent but have had a wonderful partner I don't life with in my life for a few years.

It has taken me several years of us being together but living apart to grow confident enough to now consider moving in together.

It's because I'm so independent and financially secure I think I was never going to compromise. Which is a good thing.

So maybe just try and stop over thinking, enjoy things as they are for a while.

Tiredalwaystired · 01/09/2023 14:06

I actually kind of had the same with my husband when I first met him. Was wonderful in every way except for the butterflies, which I got with my ex. But my ex was an ex for a reason.

Twenty years on I think it’s safe to say that butterflies fade anyway and it turned into something much deeper. I couldnt imagine anyone but him now. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to my own doubts.

Bapbap45 · 01/09/2023 14:17

Cupcakekiller · 01/09/2023 13:40

@Bapbap45 I'm not saying what the OP should or shouldn't do, just giving her some other things to think about.

Fair enough. And you're right, it's just that I could also say yes to all these and I'm still in my shitty situation.

I am feeling very sorry for myself today and this thread is helping and not helping in equal measure I think. 😕

Bapbap45 · 01/09/2023 14:17

Op, can you/ have you ever talked to your partner about any of this?

BIossomtoes · 01/09/2023 14:18

You sound like me 25 years ago. I told the nasty self sabotaging voice in my head to get back in its box every time it piped up. We’ve been married for 23 years now.

Comedycook · 01/09/2023 14:20

I'll say it straight....theres no prince waiting for you.

End it if you're not happy but don't end it with the assumption that you'll find this mythical "the one".

thiccapricot · 01/09/2023 14:23

Sounds like you have relationship anxiety. Have a look at anxiouslovecoach on instagram

DepartureLounge · 01/09/2023 14:25

PoleaxedAndSome · 31/08/2023 22:08

To me, this is the red flag - not necessarily from him, perhaps it's coming from you. But for some reason you seem to be seeing what he wants as the determining factor here. Why?

Scottishskifun · 01/09/2023 14:30

PoleaxedAndSome · 01/09/2023 10:36

Appreciate all the responses… a couple of people have mentioned self destructing and it’s definitely a possibility. I can have a tendency to be a ‘if you’re happy and you know it, overthink’ type.

someone asked if I was attracted to him, yes I am. It’s not that. It’s more that, when we’re together we have a great and very easy relationship. And then I leave and immediately doubt whether it’s right for me. I suppose another possibility is that it might just be a little too soon- I certainly wasn’t looking for another long term (possibly forever) relationship when I met him.

It sounds like you have a protective barrier up a bit and also been through the ringer!
Every Relationship is different. Have you considered counselling to help move past your marriage breakdown? You might not realise it but you could very well be hitting the self destruct button because you internally want to protect yourself.

Myotherdogsanoodle · 01/09/2023 14:38

I certainly don’t think you should be looking to replicate the feelings you had about your former partner. He was not ‘the one’ however you might have felt about him - he cheated on you. As previous posters have said, the butterflies in stomach stage ends, leaving what? A good man (or woman) who loves you and that you find attractive etc is worth holding onto.

Flip

1 2 3