To not want exPIL to stay?

[IWannaBeAlone]

NC for this.

I live in a 2-bed property. Second bedroom is currently used as a study and DD and I share. ExPIL live other side of country. They want to come and stay to spend time with DD, which I understand fully and I’m pleased they want to have a relationship with her. They don’t want to stay in a hotel because of the cost but letting them stay means them sleeping in the sitting room which opens onto the kitchen. Years ago when DH and I were still together they would do this and the place was in a constant mess and I couldn’t get any privacy. I just got annoyed the whole time and came across unwelcoming.

Now that DH and I aren’t together, my friends agree I’m under no obligation to put them up. They do visit about once a year, twice max and stay in a hotel. The only thing preventing them visiting more frequently and for longer than a week is the cost of hotels. I feel that if I relented once, they wouldn’t be reasonable with the quantity and length of visits and ultimately the relationship would deteriorate.

They’ve kind of stopped asking, but now they are trying to persuade me to go and stay with them. I’m not comfortable there and they might then expect me to reciprocate even though they have the space and I don’t. ExDH hasn’t been in DD’s life for years and I don’t want to run the risk of her bumping into him suddenly. He doesn’t live with his parents but it’s a rural location where news travels so I’d be on edge the whole time just in case. It was his choice to walk out and disappear so any reintroduction would have to be carefully managed through me, not through some chance or engineered encounter.

I’ve hinted at the possibility of us all going away somewhere else together. MIL dismisses the idea saying they can’t afford it, but FIL seems open to it. I’m not sure what to do in this situation. I’m being made to feel like I’m punishing them because of their son’s behaviour but it’s not that at all. They’ve also suggested I send DD alone but that’s absolutely out of the question.

YABU, you should let them stay.
YANBU, you shouldn’t have to let them stay.

(But I’m more interested in ways to resolve this than in whether or not IABU).

Couldn’t they stay in an air BnB that would be cheaper than a hotel?

I suggested that but MIL said she thinks it's dangerous 🙄
Also AirBnB is quite pricey round here as it's a touristy destination.

How far away are they? Could you meet in the middle for a day out?

I’m being made to feel like I’m punishing them because of their son’s behaviour. Worth reminding them that it is normal, after a divorce, for the ex to facilitate visits between his parents and his child, and that you are already going above and beyond for them.

I would try and facilitate a relationship between DD and her grandparents.

Can you sleep on the study floor on a blow up bed for one or two nights?

No way would I do this in your position, they are overstepping massively. It's nice of you to facilitate a relationship with your DD's grandparents, but yeah, that doesn't sound like fun.

Ditto for going and staying with them, think of the awkward evenings after DD has gone to sleep!

I don't know OP, do you want your DD to have a relationship with her GP or not? They have offered you to stay with them so they clearly just want to see her.

Have you got any friends nearby that would let you stay if they were away some time and they could stay at yours? Could you get an air b and b within a half hour drive of them sometime and meet them daily?

I do think it's important to encourage this relationship if her father has walked away and they are keen to maintain contact.

Sorry if I missed this but why can't they sleep in the second bedroom if you and your daughter are sharing?

Going away together is also a good idea. If they can't afford it, can you afford to subsidise their share a little?

Could you stay near enough they could see her daily but not with them? Say in a neighbouring town/village?

It's the father's responsibility to liaise with his family members and share his contact time with them.

If the father isn't involved that's on him. This is not your problem to resolve.

You do not have to open up your home to anyone you want to, especially people who you know aren't good guests.

If they really want to see their GC they should be hounding their son to be a better father, not putting pressure on you.

How old is DD

What is their objection to having DD stay on her own?

The OP is concerned, if DD visits grandparents (with or without her), that her estranged father might show up. DD has had no contact with him for a long time.

They live too far for a day trip.

I looked up Airbnb near them for me to stay, but they all refused children. Hotels are expensive and tbh I resent having to spend my precious holidays and savings on something I don’t want to do. I’d rather take DD on holiday somewhere nice. I’d be happy for them to come too.

Would I subsidise part of the cost? I don’t know…maybe. I'd feel a bit resentful though.

Can you sleep on the study floor on a blow up bed for one or two nights?
There’s no space in there, with my desk and bookcases. Also, that wouldn’t allow enough room for both of them and DD to sleep in the bedroom. Long ago when FIL came alone I made a big effort to clear out the study and put a blow up bed in there. After one night he just moved into the sitting room saying it was more comfortable ☹

They would have DD on her own, she’s 10, but I’m not happy with that because I wouldn’t be there to support her if the dad popped up unexpectedly, and they don't feed her. Also, she doesn’t want to go without me, though she does want to see them.

Where is DDs dad, their son in all this?

Pissing about living his best life with absolutely no sense of parental responsibility. His parents are saddened by his behaviour.

They just come less and pay their own way. You don’t have enough room.

I’m a grandparent with adult DS’s. Thankfully, no estrangements.

In my view, their son is the arsehole here, so they do bear some responsibility for bringing him up and if it was my son, I’d expect to have to make most of the effort to maintain a good relationship with my ex DIL and DGD.

I think the PIL (especially MIL) needs to do far more to facilitate this relationship rather than expect DIL to compromise.

She can get over herself and book a bloody B&B. We live abroad so when we visit (luckily, both sons live in the same city), we ALWAYS book into a nearby hotel. We’re not especially well off but I wouldn’t dream of making the boys rearrange their living quarters to accommodate us. Although I know my DIL’s mum always stays at theirs but she is quite demanding…! 😂

They dont feed her???

Presumably they either portion things out too small and OP’s DD gets hungry, or they mostly cook things she really doesn’t like or doesn’t eat because of intolerances or ethics. So not that they won’t give her food if she stays but that they won’t provide enough of the kinds of foods OP’s daughter will eat to sustain her properly.

When we have guests, I let them have our bedroom and we sleep in the lounge on the sofabed. Makes it easier to contain the mess the guest produce. You have to like and want the guests, though.

I'm afraid I'd have to say sorry, we simply don't have the room for you to stay. Because you don't! You're being very accommodating facilitating their relationship with your DD as it is, they can fund some cheap accommodation surely?

Just no. Your ex should be facilitating contact, this is not up to you! This gives me the rage, it’s such a common topic on here. Why should you put yourself out?

They are EX parents-in-law.
If they want to visit, they are more than welcome to stay in a hotel or a BnB. Please don't have them stay in your home. Anything that you have left out that normally wouldn't cause a mention between other people might get back to your ex and you really don't want that.

Thanks everyone. It's reassuring to hear IANBU. Regarding not feeding her, they don't really cook hot meals themselves, they just have things like bread, yoghurt, fruit and they take DD out all day so she comes back starving and nauseous. So when DD was small and went there I always had to make sure a cooked meal was ready to give her as soon as they got back so I never got a rest. Last time FIL came here one day I told him I'd be late at work so they should look after themselves. When I got back after 9pm he hadn't eaten or fed DD 😣 I suppose I should have been more explicit: please provide dinner for yourself and DD as I will be home too late to cook.

But anyway, the food issue is secondary. MIL is now saying she's not well enough to travel but I feel like it's a bit of a ploy to guilt me into going there.

This with bells on! I stopped being with middle man long ago my stress levels went down

Can they actually not afford a hotel or are they being tight?