To not want exPIL to stay?

[IWannaBeAlone]

NC for this.

I live in a 2-bed property. Second bedroom is currently used as a study and DD and I share. ExPIL live other side of country. They want to come and stay to spend time with DD, which I understand fully and I’m pleased they want to have a relationship with her. They don’t want to stay in a hotel because of the cost but letting them stay means them sleeping in the sitting room which opens onto the kitchen. Years ago when DH and I were still together they would do this and the place was in a constant mess and I couldn’t get any privacy. I just got annoyed the whole time and came across unwelcoming.

Now that DH and I aren’t together, my friends agree I’m under no obligation to put them up. They do visit about once a year, twice max and stay in a hotel. The only thing preventing them visiting more frequently and for longer than a week is the cost of hotels. I feel that if I relented once, they wouldn’t be reasonable with the quantity and length of visits and ultimately the relationship would deteriorate.

They’ve kind of stopped asking, but now they are trying to persuade me to go and stay with them. I’m not comfortable there and they might then expect me to reciprocate even though they have the space and I don’t. ExDH hasn’t been in DD’s life for years and I don’t want to run the risk of her bumping into him suddenly. He doesn’t live with his parents but it’s a rural location where news travels so I’d be on edge the whole time just in case. It was his choice to walk out and disappear so any reintroduction would have to be carefully managed through me, not through some chance or engineered encounter.

I’ve hinted at the possibility of us all going away somewhere else together. MIL dismisses the idea saying they can’t afford it, but FIL seems open to it. I’m not sure what to do in this situation. I’m being made to feel like I’m punishing them because of their son’s behaviour but it’s not that at all. They’ve also suggested I send DD alone but that’s absolutely out of the question.

YABU, you should let them stay.
YANBU, you shouldn’t have to let them stay.

(But I’m more interested in ways to resolve this than in whether or not IABU).

Not you relative, not your problem. They need to organise something with ex to see the child.

Nothing helpful to add, other than you are a fantastic parent, congratulations on raising your daughter without help and with her dad. You sound lovely 🥰

'Dpil. Thanks for getting in touch re a visit. Dd is looking forward to seeing you. Going forward I am going to have to insist that you find other accommodation for the duration of your stay over here. The flat is not large enough and it's too overwhelming having visitors. Ordinarily useless dad would facilitate your time with dd but as that isn't an option I am happy to work with you to keep the relationship you have with her going. An option that would help you connect with her is FaceTiming her regularly, she's always available on a (x)day eve at 6pm for a quick chat. Let me know next time you're looking at coming over and I'll make sure it works with our schedules'

Can they not sleep in your DD room for one night only about four times per year?
You could have DD in with you.
With DDs father being so neglectful it is terrific that they actively wish to form a consistant relashionship.
Time passes quickly.In no timeyour daughter will have left home.

Op, can they use Teams or Skype? May this be a way they can have much more regular contact with daughter and then just make one physical visit per year that they can save up for.
once daughter is older, she can travel by herself and stay alone. But right now it is a way of them being very involved in her life for frequent , regular short bursts, and help nurture that relationship so she wants to stay with them when she’s older

I would have said you could suck it up for a couple of days but then I saw that they don't feed her! That I do not get, in my experience grandparents are quite the opposite, they over-indulge the grandchildren.

As for an air b'n'b not taking children, if it was nearby the child would not have to sleep there, only visit, and presumably they'd go out somewhere but - not buy lunch, snack or whatever? There must be something wrong with them if they don't do that, they must eat and surely wouldn't exclude your daughter.

You also said she doesn't want to see them which is a factor to be taken into consideration. I won't ask why.

Therefore, apart from you putting them up for a specified time, ie no more than two nights, I cannot think of a solution.

It’s nice you want to maintain the relationship but I wouldn’t allow them to stay. It’s fine to put up with certain things for DHs sake, but he’s not there to manage them.

For context my PIL lived in a tiny flat (one bedroom and one tiny bedroom that slept one person). One of us had to sleep in the living room. It was awful. There was no privacy or anywhere to hide. Too expensive to get somewhere nearby (before airb&b). I stayed once without DH and it all seemed so much worse. No way would I be in that close quarters with them alone again.
They also wanted us to come to them all the time, even though they were retired. No particular reason except it was easier and more convenient for them.

That's so kind, thank you.

Pass it back to them-they are welcome to see your child, their options are air b&b or a hotel. If neither of those are good enough, oh well.
‘Yes, my daughter will be free for contact on these dates. I can’t accommodate house guests, but there’s loads of accommodation near by thankfully’
The deadbeats mother can manage to get over herself I’m sure.

It goes something like this:
GP: DD, do you want to eat your sandwiches now?
DD: No thank you.
GP: What do you want to eat?
DD: crisps.
GP: ok, have some crisps
That will continue all day with crisps, biscuit, snack but nothing substantial. They don't eat properly themselves, I don't know how they aren't dead. If it were me I'd say 'DD, its time for lunch now. After your sandwiches you can have cake/crisps etc.'

The airbnb was when I was looking for one near them for DD and me, but that was before DH did what he did and ran off. I'm not going to go there now.

DD does want to see them. I meant I don't know which ranks higher - the GPS themselves or their cute dogs or the general nostalgic memory she has of going there when she was smaller.

This

@IWannaBeAlone

I may be reaching here, but is there any possibility the ex-PILs could try for legal access if your daughter? 🌹

On what grounds could they do that ?????

Even if they got legal access I don’t see why OP would have to travel to them/give them accommodation. It would make no difference to the issue.

If they had money to mount a legal case but no money to visit I'd be 😠😠
Legally they have no grounds though.

@user1492757084 did you read the 1st post re current sleeping arrangements?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I mean, I can see their side of things but I don't agree with them. It's not their fault that their son ran off and left you a single parent, but it's also not your fault. It's not your responsibility to bear additional burden so they don't have to shell out any money when they want to see their grandchild. It's not really fair to expect you, the single mother living in a home that's small enough that you have to share a bedroom with your daughter, to stretch yourself even more so they can visit their granddaughter for free. You are already going above and beyond by being willing to help them maintain a relationship with your daughter.

I think the basic idea here is that their son abandoned you and you're a single mother now. It's unreasonable for them to expect you to sacrifice any more for their wants. It's great that your relationship with each other is good enough (and that you don't blame them for their son's abandonment of you) that you're willing to supervise when they want to see their grandchild. But it's up to them to budget so that they can visit without making your life more difficult. If you were full of cash and had a massive house then maybe it would be different (I don't think so but I'm just trying to look at all sides). But your house isn't big enough to have them stay over, your budget isn't big enough to treat them to an airbnb, and they need to stop pushing the issue. They are overstepping by asking a struggling single mum to endure more burden so they can see their grandkid without having to shell out any cash.

My verdict is that they need to budget to stay in an airbnb. They can come to see you on whatever frequency doesn't interfere with your work, and whatever frequency of airbnb they can afford. You do not have to visit them because YOU are the single mother who is working to support her child. Your vacation time should be spent re-energising yourself, not facilitating the happiness of your ex-PILs.

There's no need to 'look at all sides', it's fine, the deadbeats parents have plenty of options. Their choice to make demands on OP is not her problem.

Even if a court awarded them contact, they would never order OP to have them sleep in her living room! Court would be a waste of time and money for everyone involved.

I think you sound lovely. Many mums would have just written off in-laws with the lousy ex, especially if ILs are a way for him to mess with your lives. And you have more excuse than most as it sounds like they did not offer support when you were still together - or even believe their precious son was an ass.

I join the voices saying don't have them to stay at yours. It's invasive and sounds like a lot of stress in a very small space, but mostly, they have shown they don't respect your home - creating mess, moving rooms, not caring for DD etc.

I'd also be careful if they suddenly claim to have booked because of the previous trick of 'no availability so we'll stay with you instead'.

And your ex MIL might be too unwell to travel now, but it's possible it's the start of some emotional blackmail.

Are they daft enough to try to lure you to theirs and invite their son round for a visit?

Your idea of a weekend self catering somewhere halfway is very generous.

it's up to them to budget so that they can visit without making your life more difficult.

@aloris i totally agree

The food thing alone is really unusual and concerning, especially in people who know that their contact with a child is entirely dependent on the goodwill of the ex-DIL. Just cut back the visits to the number of times a year they can afford a budget hotel - if they barely eat and visit DD at yours during the day/go out to free or cheap places, that is really not a lot of money to maintain a relationship. Don't be guilted into more. Considering their son, they should count their blessings!

I've got a friend a kind of surrogate auntie to my daughter whose eating habits are a bit unusual but when I stay with her and when my daughter stays with her, she feeds us suitable things and amounts!

My DD (same age) is fond of her paternal grandparents but we generally only see them 3 or 4 times a year due to distance and all of us having other commitments. Sometimes both DH and I go and sometimes just him and DD. Sometimes we meet at a third location if it suits. It's fine. That's a perfectly normal amount of contact between grandparents and a DC at a distance.

Thanks for all your advice everyone. I haven't replied directly but I have read everything and appreciate it. I need to toughen up and tell them we aren't coming. If they ask why, I'll say I feel uncomfortable and it's not what I want to do. They'll come up with many persuasions but I've learnt from MN to just keep repeating 'sorry, that doesn't work for me.' Sigh, not looking forward to it but I know it's the only way.

Are they daft enough to try to lure you to theirs and invite their son round for a visit?
Not likely. They're annoyed with him and want to make sure their own contact with DD isn't jeopardised, as it absolutely would be if they pulled a stunt like that. BUT he is their son so they'll forgive him at some point and then the pleading conversations might start. Hopefully not before DD is older and able to handle the emotional drama that will inevitably follow.

I spent a contented weekend looking up holidays! Never mind that I can't afford anything at the moment, it was fun looking and planning, and DD is listing all the places she wants to visit (halfway across the globe of course).