To not want exPIL to stay?

[IWannaBeAlone]

NC for this.

I live in a 2-bed property. Second bedroom is currently used as a study and DD and I share. ExPIL live other side of country. They want to come and stay to spend time with DD, which I understand fully and I’m pleased they want to have a relationship with her. They don’t want to stay in a hotel because of the cost but letting them stay means them sleeping in the sitting room which opens onto the kitchen. Years ago when DH and I were still together they would do this and the place was in a constant mess and I couldn’t get any privacy. I just got annoyed the whole time and came across unwelcoming.

Now that DH and I aren’t together, my friends agree I’m under no obligation to put them up. They do visit about once a year, twice max and stay in a hotel. The only thing preventing them visiting more frequently and for longer than a week is the cost of hotels. I feel that if I relented once, they wouldn’t be reasonable with the quantity and length of visits and ultimately the relationship would deteriorate.

They’ve kind of stopped asking, but now they are trying to persuade me to go and stay with them. I’m not comfortable there and they might then expect me to reciprocate even though they have the space and I don’t. ExDH hasn’t been in DD’s life for years and I don’t want to run the risk of her bumping into him suddenly. He doesn’t live with his parents but it’s a rural location where news travels so I’d be on edge the whole time just in case. It was his choice to walk out and disappear so any reintroduction would have to be carefully managed through me, not through some chance or engineered encounter.

I’ve hinted at the possibility of us all going away somewhere else together. MIL dismisses the idea saying they can’t afford it, but FIL seems open to it. I’m not sure what to do in this situation. I’m being made to feel like I’m punishing them because of their son’s behaviour but it’s not that at all. They’ve also suggested I send DD alone but that’s absolutely out of the question.

YABU, you should let them stay.
YANBU, you shouldn’t have to let them stay.

(But I’m more interested in ways to resolve this than in whether or not IABU).

You are either separated or divorced from their son so you are under ZERO obligation to travel to them so that they can see their grandchild. If your Ex-Mil is not well enough to travel, then that's that. They won't be travelling and neither will you. They could decide to get into doing Zoom calls or Facetime with you and your daughter if they can't travel. They could play a game of bingo online with your daughter and you (just a suggestion and a throwback to lockdown times).
Say to them that you're sorry that they can't travel at the moment but that you're not able to put them up.

It's sad that your ex ILs are unable to afford to visit. I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to visit them in your shoes. Unfortunately that's life. I would suggest they ask your ex to fund the hotel stays as he can't be arsed to visit or fund his child.

I would have a look at some options for going away together, send them and tell them how much their share is.

They can then decide for themselves.

They should be grateful you’re facilitating contact. You have zero obligation t9 provide them with free accommodation or to use your precious annual leave to travel to them at your cost.

Can you sleep on the study floor on a blow up bed for one or two nights?
There’s no space in there, with my desk and bookcases. Also, that wouldn’t allow enough room for both of them and DD to sleep in the bedroom

I thought DD slept in the same room as you? She doesn't need to sleep in with them.

Airbnb has become expensive. Can you enquire locally for a short-term room rent that might be more reasonable? Or, as you say, all go away somewhere together.

There will be a cost involved, that's just life.

Could you let them stay at yours for a weekend with DD and you go away for a night or two? I'm sure as a single mum you don't get much time to yourself and a spa break a couple times a year might be nice.

That doesn't solve the not feeding DD but you could get some microwave ready meals in or some batch cooked meals and show her how to heat them up?

That being said yanbu if you don't want to as you are already going above and beyond.

You're not being unreasonable and they are being difficult. There is no solution other than that they get a grip and pay for hotels in order to visit. You are under no obligation to facilitate them seeing DD, and it's very kind of you to do so. The fact they wouldn't even feed her properly tells me they aren't really safe people to be around her, so I honestly think you should tell MIL who is now claiming to be too ill to travel that that's a shame, but you can't come to them so they can video call DD regularly instead.

Do not feel guilty or blackmailed into doing things you don't want to do.

"MIL is now saying she's not well enough to travel"

Aww, shame. Suggest they FaceTime dd instead. And if they won't make the effort to do even that, well, what a pity.

Yes, it's good for your dd to have a relationship with her gps. But only if those gps value her enough to make the effort. Yet they can't even be bothered to cook her a meal.

Gosh, I wouldn't leave a 10yo alone with adults who don't realise you're supposed to feed children. What other basics of childcare might also not occur to them? There's probably a reason your ex is a dick.

Except in this case the father isn't in the child's life and the sole reason she won't let child stay with GP is in case he does pop in. I such circumstances it would be nicer and kinder to let them stay over but limit the length of stay.

Might it contain their mess if they stayed in DDs room and DD comes in with you while they stay, or Dd In your room and you in living room?

I assume you don't think it's their fault her father left and feel they should be punished. It doesn't seem you do.

First- let your daughter go up and give her own room. She needs privacy.

She has already said she doesn't want her ex to see Dd. She seems to actually think the GP don't deserve to be punished because their son is a duck and that it may be nice for her DD to have a relationship with her GP.

I'll try to cover everything that's been asked or suggested. The study at the moment could only fit one person at a push, so if exPIL came together then either DD or myself would have to sleep in the sitting room. DD has her things in the study and does her homework there and it can be turned into a bedroom for her when she's ready but that's not going to happen right now. If it was a bedroom now, MIL would be asking me why she can't come and stay in it. Our flat is small and cramped with one bathroom, so not at all suitable for 3 adults and a child.

I wouldn't be comfortable leaving them here while I go stay somewhere else. Where? It would be a big hassle. I'm an introvert and I hate staying over at people's houses and I wouldn't want to impose on any of my friends in that way.

I wouldn't be able to relax at a spa knowing my house was being wrecked and DD not eating properly. Even when I used to make packed lunch for DD they wouldn't give it to her. She'd run around all day snacking on bits and pieces then come home and vomit.

Someone asked if they really can't afford a hotel. I think they can't afford it often but there are definitely things they could do to increase their disposable income. But that's not my business. Facetime can and should be done more often. In fact they hardly ever call, which is a bit strange.

Do I blame them for their son's behaviour? In hindsight they could have raised him differently but their other kids turned out OK. When things were going wrong between us I reached out to them but they just kept saying we don't understand, we dont know what to do. Then about a year after he walked out of their lives as well as ours, MIL was saying stuff to me on the phone that was exactly what I'd been trying to tell her before and it was like she was suddenly hearing it for the first time. There was also stuff going on when we were still together that she didnt tell me about. But honestly I think his behaviour is 'punishment' enough. I certainly don't want to twist the knife because they are suffering too and they're not bad people.

I like the idea of researching a holiday and presenting that to them so they can budget for it. If they say "why can't you just come here instead" what do I say?

If they can't afford a hotel for a week why can't they stay in a travel lodge for a weekend? they could do that 2 or 3 times a year surely.

Edited to add I don't work for travel lodge.

If they want to maintain a relationship with dgd then they have to facilitate it. At their expense not yours.
You are doing more than enough by graciously facilitating a meetup.
Travel lodge or similar are cheap especially out of season.
offer to have them to dinner to off set costs

If they say 'why don't you come here instead' say 'because I want to give my daughter a holiday experience rather than a visit relatives experience, and it's my holiday too that I want to enjoy....You are welcome join us or not’

You should take a leaf out of their book and learn to suit yourself. Be just as awkward about things as they are!

In the nicest possible way…how much time with them do you think is valuable for your DD. Obviously seeing them sometimes and having a relationship of some description is probably helpful for your DD. But is a rare visit enough to maintain that? It doesn’t sound like they are
particularly responsive to her needs or yours, so do you need to facilitate more visits. If they can only afford one a year because of cost maybe that is ok and is enough???

I certainly wouldn’t stay with them in your shoes and I wouldn’t have them stay in my home either. It sounds like you go above and beyond what an ex normally would for their ex PILs.

I loved and was loved by both sets of grandparents and we saw each other less than once a year (opposite sides of the world). It’s not necessary to have them in your home.

They won’t make sure she’s fed so they can’t have her on her own, and you don’t want them staying with you in your living room. This is on them. I would however carefully say explicitly, you could spend more time with dd if you could make sure she got proper meals, but until then I have to be there too.

Tell them to get some money from their son to pay for a hotel.

I'd offer them a blow up bed on floor for 2 nights max. If they were not any bother I might offer again but only would be doing it so DD got to see her grandparents. I wouldn't offer long stays but might offer 2 or 3 2 day visits.

If they can only afford one a year because of cost maybe that is ok and is enough???
From my POV that's fine. But when they retire I know they will push for more contact so I'm trying to preempt that now.

I'd offer them a blow up bed on floor for 2 nights max.
Once they had their foot in through the door they'd take advantage. A few years ago MIL came but revealed she hadn't booked the hotel for the full duration of her stay 'because of availability' so she had me over a barrel. It was a huge stress and headache that I won't have repeated.

I think maybe a self-catering cottage break for a few days could work. Any suggestions? Somewhere with beautiful scenery and child-friendly activities in the middle of the UK so no one will have to travel too far. If MIL says no, we can go by ourselves because we haven't had much to look forward to this last year. DD had a mystery illness which had her in and out of hospital for months. Now happily diagnosed and treated, but she missed a lot of school and was sad because she had to catch up during the holidays.

Absolutely not. You can facilitate contact without putting them up in your home! It's a big ask even if you were still in a relationship with their son, but you're not so it's just plain weird to think they should stay in your home.

If they are that desperate to see her they will find a way. Be assertive and say no. Can you meet in the middle?

“If they can only afford one a year because of cost maybe that is ok and is enough???
From my POV that's fine. But when they retire I know they will push for more contact so I'm trying to preempt that now. “

^ If once a year is fine for you and DD then I don’t think you should do anything to facilitate more. I’d keep their expectations low. From the sounds of it anything you do will lead to them wanting/taking more. If you arrange a holiday this year they might expect it in future years. I think with people who over stay and push boundaries you need to manage expectations to avoid issues.

I agree. But I would have liked to see my GPS more often before they died. They were also in different countries. DD wants to see hers and it's hard to explain why we can't go there. I'm not sure how much of it is the place itself, the GPS, their dogs or the vague memories of her dad. Either way it can't happen until she is older and knows the full picture and can make the decision herself.