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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we running out of things we can say?

65 replies

Ciarianna · 30/08/2023 22:48

I'm not trying to cause a fight, and I totally agree there are things that we shouldn't say like "when are you due?"

But over the last few weeks I have seen
I hate people commenting on...
Being tall
Being short
Being slim
Being mortgage free
Being able to have lie ins

Now I totally get it can be painful for the reasons behind these things, but guess my question is, if it meant from a place of no harm, then should we cut some slack? Also, some people struggle to find something to say, and want to be positive??

I'm just musing, I'm not spoiling for a fight (I've been here long enough to know some could start a fight in an empty room myself included! )

OP posts:
SisterMichaelsHabit · 30/08/2023 22:50

No most of those people are attention seeking drama llamas who don't mean a thing they say or who take things personally for no apparent reason.
I roll my eyes at those sort of posts, they clearly spend too much time reading Guardian columnists and imagining they're one.
Don't let the talk police get you down. They're fecking eejits.

Original poster
Ciarianna · 30/08/2023 23:10

I was so expecting the first response to be "well people should take more care, how fucking dare you"

Grin
OP posts:
SpamFrittersYouSay · 30/08/2023 23:14

I hear you OP.
The one that I've seen a few times on here is about looking young for their age. It's so attention seeking.

orangegato · 30/08/2023 23:16

Some people are professionally offended and ignore all context. Irritating self appointed victims, fuck them.

They need to get some real problems.

Jamtartforme · 30/08/2023 23:17

Yes it’s my belief that’s why people are more socially anxious and prefer communicating via screens now. There’s no edit button IRL.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 30/08/2023 23:19

I would rather have people try and have a conversation with me than not. Most aren't trying to cause upset despite what you read on here. There again I open my front door if somebody knocks.

Thementalloadisreal · 30/08/2023 23:19

Because commenting on those things is often very closely linked to judging those people on these things. Even if you’re not, it can sound like it.
And really why the need to comment on people’s bodies or lifestyles, why not ask them how their day is going instead or something normal. It’s weird to insist you should be allowed to point things out about other people to their faces uninvited.
We can’t say anything anymore is just a whinge from people who want to go around judging people out loud without being called out for it.

RichardsGear · 30/08/2023 23:22

It's all bollocks. If I'd been on a health kick and lost some weight then I'd be very happy if people noticed.

givemeasunnyday · 30/08/2023 23:40

Some people go out of their way to be offended, especially on MN. It's like a crusade. Meanwhile, in the real world, people usually just say the things they've always said, and most others don't take offence.

Thementalloadisreal · 31/08/2023 00:14

RichardsGear · 30/08/2023 23:22

It's all bollocks. If I'd been on a health kick and lost some weight then I'd be very happy if people noticed.

That’s IF you’d lost weight on purpose. Imagine now someone saying “oh you look so skinny” but actually you’ve got an ED or you’re unwell, can’t afford food or depressed etc.

It’s different if you initiated it with, “oh by the way I’ve been doing some exercise/ got smaller jeans” or whatever. But unsolicited comments to people just isn’t needed.

The problem isn’t that some people are offended it’s that other people seem to think it’s their right to make uninvited comments about others without any context. And then get grumpy when they’re told off for it.

Spottypineapple · 31/08/2023 06:35

The Autumn thread turned south because the OP & PP who like or enjoy autumn were apparently being insensitive to people who have SAD, or have to commute in the dark & rain, or who are mourning the excuse for summer we've had.

YANBU

seafronty · 31/08/2023 06:45

I saw a post on twitter where someone had said TW: Food at the start then talked about food. Weirdos triggered by food. Like how do you do anything in life if that's the case? So many strange people about.
Someone above said real life doesn't have an edit button, unless you are intending to offend an edit button on real life would be ridiculous. If you say something wrong, you apologise and that's it. If someone keeps on about it and starts a post saying "I hate when people mention I now wear specs" or whatever then they need to firm up a wee bit. Daft little jellyfish.

JanesBlond · 31/08/2023 06:49

I think generally, avoiding commenting on someone’s body is a good rule of thumb.

@seafronty surely food is one of the most common triggers, for people with EDs?

ButterRoad · 31/08/2023 06:49

Surely it’s not that hard not to comment about someone’s body, or to be clued-in enough to recognise that what you think is hilariously witty and original (‘What’s the weather like up there?’ ‘Are you good at basketball?) will not be hilarious and witty to someone who hears it all the time?

And some of the comments around weight are mad. People think commenting on slimness or weight loss is such a compliment that in my own case they kept doing it even after I’d pointed out that I’d lost weight rapidly because I was seriously ill.

ButterRoad · 31/08/2023 06:50

JanesBlond · 31/08/2023 06:49

I think generally, avoiding commenting on someone’s body is a good rule of thumb.

@seafronty surely food is one of the most common triggers, for people with EDs?

This. It’s not hard.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 31/08/2023 06:52

Not the point of the thread but why can’t we ask when a woman is due?! I have asked this of every woman I know who is pregnant and now I’m worried that I’ve been offending everyone!

For the other stuff, it’s performative offence-taking (maybe the weight stuff aside, I think commenting on someone’s body uninvited just seems unnecessary). People that fall over themselves to be offended at things that make them feel superior. It gets dressed up as empathy. But the same people can be absolutely vicious towards people where it’s socially acceptable (for example, older women).

Sux2buthen · 31/08/2023 06:55

Only on Mumsnet

BakingBeanz · 31/08/2023 06:57

Not commenting on someone’s body is a good start. But beyond that, I think too much time on MN can make you overly paranoid about this sort of thing.

A few people might object to someone commenting on X, a few people might object to Y, a few to Z and so on, but the impression you get from the site overall is that all these things are objectionable. I remember feeling like this with my sisters baby- I’d just read a load of threads from people complaining about family members wanting to hold their baby too much and other threads from people complaining that family members didn’t seem interested, and ended up feeling that whatever I did would be wrong. It’s like being able to read people’s thoughts, which would be a terrible curse.

continentallentil · 31/08/2023 06:57

I think it’s a tiny minority of people who like a drama. And I think the No Mortgage Outrage OP was probably on the sauce. Wouldn’t worry about it.

continentallentil · 31/08/2023 06:59

AnnaTortoiseshell · 31/08/2023 06:52

Not the point of the thread but why can’t we ask when a woman is due?! I have asked this of every woman I know who is pregnant and now I’m worried that I’ve been offending everyone!

For the other stuff, it’s performative offence-taking (maybe the weight stuff aside, I think commenting on someone’s body uninvited just seems unnecessary). People that fall over themselves to be offended at things that make them feel superior. It gets dressed up as empathy. But the same people can be absolutely vicious towards people where it’s socially acceptable (for example, older women).

The OP just means if there is any danger of it just being that the person carries extra weight on their belly, or has a bad case of bloating. She doesn’t mean people who are 7 months gone.

HashBrownandBeans · 31/08/2023 07:01

In my (long)experience though the people commenting on my height aren’t coming from a place of no harm.
It’s men, short men, trying to bring me down a peg or two to ease their own insecurities. And I’m supposed to smile sweetly and enjoy it? Nah!

hylian · 31/08/2023 07:05

It's probably true that some people are easily offended and enjoy the drama/ attention of it. But on the flip side, we should all try to be mindful of what we are saying. Thoughtless comments can be painful sometimes.

lemonyaid · 31/08/2023 07:07

I find it's best just to not say anything about people's appearance eg. You're so tall. If they are tall. They would have heard it 1000000 times and know they are tall.

bluebellart · 31/08/2023 07:07

I did have someone say to me 'you look well!' the other day and then 'HOW much weight have you lost?' with a shocked expression.

It came from a good place I'm sure, but made me feel like she must have thought I was a massive lump before. It was a bit thoughtless.

lemonyaid · 31/08/2023 07:08

AnnaTortoiseshell · 31/08/2023 06:52

Not the point of the thread but why can’t we ask when a woman is due?! I have asked this of every woman I know who is pregnant and now I’m worried that I’ve been offending everyone!

For the other stuff, it’s performative offence-taking (maybe the weight stuff aside, I think commenting on someone’s body uninvited just seems unnecessary). People that fall over themselves to be offended at things that make them feel superior. It gets dressed up as empathy. But the same people can be absolutely vicious towards people where it’s socially acceptable (for example, older women).

Different if you know they are pregnant