Are we running out of things we can say?

[Ciarianna]

I'm not trying to cause a fight, and I totally agree there are things that we shouldn't say like "when are you due?"

But over the last few weeks I have seen
I hate people commenting on...
Being tall
Being short
Being slim
Being mortgage free
Being able to have lie ins

Now I totally get it can be painful for the reasons behind these things, but guess my question is, if it meant from a place of no harm, then should we cut some slack? Also, some people struggle to find something to say, and want to be positive??

I'm just musing, I'm not spoiling for a fight (I've been here long enough to know some could start a fight in an empty room myself included! )

I think commenting on personal appearance should always be done carefully, eg ok to comment on dress best to steer clear of comments about size. Money (mortgage etc) also best to steer clear of. These ideas about what to comment on or not are not new ie don't talk about the war or money was what people used to say. There is a reason Brits talk about the weather.

Yes exactly it's not a new thing to be polite

I agree, people live different lives and MN should be representative of that. For example you get people talking about mortgages going up and people jump on ‘read the room OP. You’re lucky to even have a mortgage’ drives me mad!

There was a thread earlier this year about how OP hated being asked what she does for a living because she feels like she's being judged. Someone else said if she is asked that question she will be very suspicious of the person and avoid talking to them in future. I ask people that all the time just as general chit chat but apparently it's very offensive on MN.

I'm really short. I know I'm really short. I don't love it. When the 50th child tells me they're taller than me it's a bit grating. I know. I can see.
I'm short not unobservant!!

However if I meet new people I usually make a joke about my size almost as a self defence mechanism so I get a laugh rather than someone else making a joke at my expense, if that makes sense.

I have had bulimia for 18 years and I agree with you. You can't avoid food unfortunately. and a lot of TWs seem silly to me.

Related to this, nearly everyone on MN says they look much younger than they are. I spend a lot of time on the Style & Beauty board and what seems like 80% of posters believe that they look 10-20 years younger than their age.

So it’s a bit hard to believe that people would find this offensive, when so many proudly declare it.

Avoid commenting on appearance. Exceptions being you know someone really well AND it's a compliment about their outfit or new hair do.
Other than that just be a bit sensitive to the people around you. If with someone you know can't have children, don't moan about your children excessively. If with someone worse off than you, dont moan on about the difficulty in managing your cleaning lady or gardener or go on about home improvements.

On the other hand, if on a public forum where other posters don't know your circumstances, don't get offended about these things being discussed.

Oh I love those thread so entertaining. "I know I look 10-15 years younger because people are always so shocked when they find out I'm 40 and I got ID'd buying wine once".

I am strangely envious of people who think that about themselves, because even if they’re deluded, just thinking you look 15 years younger must be such a confidence boost.

But anyway, my theory is less that they’re lying and more that they don’t spend much time with twentysomethings so don’t know what they actually look like now (which is like babies).

Related to this, nearly everyone on MN says they look much younger than they are. I spend a lot of time on the Style & Beauty board and what seems like 80% of posters believe that they look 10-20 years younger than their age.

So it’s a bit hard to believe that people would find this offensive, when so many proudly declare it.

That's a self-selected group though.

Anyway, as with most things ... yes, some people are over sensitive, but also some people open their mouths apparently without their brain in gear, or at least, with no tact or empathy filter in place.

And it's often about context and value judgements. 'Looking young' can be meant as a compliment, if you view youthful appearance as a desirable quality, but may be less so if it causes you to not be taken seriously in your workplace. DH was in some ways quite pleased when his hairline receded.

@Usernamen I'm jealous too! I always think the delusion must be nice. I've had lots of "Omg you don't look in your 30s, I thought you were about 25!" from older people but as you say I just assume they don't spend much time around actual 25 year olds or haven't looked at me properly. I know I look around my age.

I can't see myself being offended by the examples you've given, but I equally wonder where making those sort of comments gets you. Whether as small talk or if you want to lead on to a meaningful conversation I'm not sure the examples you've given will get you far - "Wow, you're short" "Yes, I guess my parents aren't very tall" 👍🏻. I think there's more scope for conversation from making observations on situations rather than people's features.

I don't think people should comment on other people's appearance, as in their height, weight, shape, size of nose/feet or whatever. It's just rude and unnecessary. I might comment on how much a niece or nephew etc had grown if I hadn't seen them for a while. But that's more a comment on the passage of time. To me, it's a positive thing to tell someone someone they suit a particular outfit or colour, that you like their new hairstyle or that they're looking great. Just leave body height and shape out of it. It's not difficult. If you tell someone they look good and they are, in fact, ill, then that can't be helped.

If someone gets offended by another person mentioning their freedom to lie in, or any other perceived advantage in life, then that's just bloody ridiculous.

Sorry I don’t think it’s that hard to avoid commenting on people’s physical appearance or (my other pet hate) asking them about their fertility plans.

No one has an entitlement to know that level of intimate biological detail about anyone.

And If you can’t think of anything else to say to someone aside from commenting on their weight or badgering them about when they plan to have a baby you aren’t a gifted conversationist in the first place so why not do everyone a favour and stop talking. It’s not that difficult to find interesting and safer topics.

@Thepeopleversuswork I agree

I’m not sure what you mean by self-selecting group.

I’ve seen hundreds of posters say this over the years. If we believe that MN is broadly representative of RL, 80% of posters thinking they look decades younger than they are is a little odd.

I work adjacent to the Beauty industry (they are our clients) and the women who work there all look broadly their age or a couple of years younger, and these are women who have access to a lot of free beauty products and treatments (I know their age from LinkedIn).

I’m not sure why your average MNetter, even those on the S&B board, would necessarily look so much younger than their age.

Like I say, they probably just don’t know many actual twentysomethings, rather than they’re lying.

@ErrolTheDragon

Anyway, as with most things ... yes, some people are over sensitive, but also some people open their mouths apparently without their brain in gear, or at least, with no tact or empathy filter in place.

Agree. I also think a lot of this is gendered and is a hangover from a bygone age: specific to the kind of chit-chat that women have historically felt they had to make with other women because they weren't supposed to be talking about "male" things like politics or money.

So the historic dynamic is that woman A is chatting to woman B (who she doesn't know that well but their husbands work together) at a works social. Woman A can't think of much to talk about so she sticks to stuff she thinks she understands and launches into "Would you like another baby?" Foot firmly in mouth.

That question makes all sorts of gendered assumptions:

a) That woman B doesn't want to talk about anything other than babies and the home
b) That Woman B wants another baby
c) That woman B can have another baby

Nowadays that sort of gambit is an absolute disaster and you'd be crashing fool to ask that.

That's quite a 1950s dynamic and probably wouldn't happen in exactly the same way today but its surprising how little things have shifted since then even in world where lots of women work and have lots more to say for themselves. A lot of women (and I'm sorry but it is usually women) still instinctively assume that they are on safer ground talking about things like children, beauty, health, homes etc, probably because that's what their mums did when they were stuck for something to say.

When in fact these days its probably safer (and certainly more interesting) to talk about politics, money or football.

Funny old world....

Ohhh of course she does. Thanks. I’ll see myself out.

I can add we are not allowed to ask what people do for a living or where they are going on holidays

It offends it seems I have been told

Yes, and it’s not just the intrusiveness of it, it’s the mind-numbing repetitiveness. It’s possible I might be fine with talking about why I don’t have children with one friend of a neighbour at a neighbour’s party, but I don’t want to do it multiple times at multiple parties to people who are gobsmacked by me. (And who, years later, when I had had a child, transferred their anxiety to the fact that I wasn’t having another, because ‘an only is a lonely!’)

Similarly, a tall woman may be fine with one ‘witticism’ about snow on the top, but it’s when it’s repeated, ad nauseam, over years, by different people apparently thinking ‘Oh, she’ll love this! No one will ever have said this to her before!’ that she might understandably want to throw things.

I agree that such people might want to brush up on their social skills, if they find it so difficult to be neither nosy nor offensive.

@ButterRoad

Yes, and it’s not just the intrusiveness of it, it’s the mind-numbing repetitiveness. It’s possible I might be fine with talking about why I don’t have children with one friend of a neighbour at a neighbour’s party, but I don’t want to do it multiple times at multiple parties to people who are gobsmacked by me. (And who, years later, when I had had a child, transferred their anxiety to the fact that I wasn’t having another, because ‘an only is a lonely!’)

Right? and the business of having to explain to people why you are in any way sub-normative and don't have 2.5 children and a heterosexual partner and a mortgage.

If you are gay, or have an only child (or no children). Or you aren't in a relationship. Or you don't want children. Or whatever. The subtext of these questions is that you have explain your discrepancy from the rest of the world. Like you owe them an apology.

It's not intended as such I'm sure but it comes across as unimaginative, controlling and suspicious of anyone who in any way veers off the one true path.

Dunno I'm 5 foot 3 and people seem very invested in my height. It's odd but whatever.

Oops I killed the thread

I came here to spill my broken heart over my partner and his new hobby of being an absolute penis over the last 7 months (that's how old our first and new baby is) and I saw TWO topics where each individual couldn't decide on the right duvet cover.
And I just......
I mean to be one of you in life right now...
Just dealing with the challenges they're facing......
I'm only a few hours new here by the way and those two individuals will now forever be in prayers. I will never be able to let it go. So no you are not being unreasonable