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AIBU?

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Original poster

What the hell just happened

76 replies

Frenchie1980 · 30/08/2023 21:58

Straight to the point

Partner and I haven't had sex in well over 2 years, he knows damn well I'm not on birth control, I cannot take it due to hemiplegic migraines and previous blood clots ect.

Well we finally had sex and you can guess what happened, he said "I thought you were on both control" we've been together 9 years and I've never been on it he knows this.

Yes, yes I know we should of used condoms, and I've already booked my morning after pill.

The issue is also his behaviour, he said he "didn't want to have sex anyway" and I'm left feeling utterly raging because all he ever talks about is another child.

My mind is spinning!!!!

OP posts:
Annaishere · 30/08/2023 22:05

I didn’t know.

SquirrelFeeder · 30/08/2023 22:06

Annaishere · 30/08/2023 22:05

I didn’t know.

How is that a helpful response?

SquirrelFeeder · 30/08/2023 22:07

Frenchie1980 · 30/08/2023 21:58

Straight to the point

Partner and I haven't had sex in well over 2 years, he knows damn well I'm not on birth control, I cannot take it due to hemiplegic migraines and previous blood clots ect.

Well we finally had sex and you can guess what happened, he said "I thought you were on both control" we've been together 9 years and I've never been on it he knows this.

Yes, yes I know we should of used condoms, and I've already booked my morning after pill.

The issue is also his behaviour, he said he "didn't want to have sex anyway" and I'm left feeling utterly raging because all he ever talks about is another child.

My mind is spinning!!!!

Sounds like he's trying to get you pregnant

PonyPatter44 · 30/08/2023 22:09

Are you planning never to have sex again? Are you avoiding sex purely because of the risk of pregnancy, or is there more to it?

He sounds a bit weird - why did the two of you have sex if he didn't want it and (presumably) neither did you? Was there nothing on the telly?

Ponoka7 · 30/08/2023 22:09

There's lots to unpick. The next t having sex for two years and general lack of communication. It's about time honest conversations started.

Annaishere · 30/08/2023 22:11

SquirrelFeeder · 30/08/2023 22:06

How is that a helpful response?

Show quote history

I just want to support the OP even though I don’t know what happened and follow the post

Stratocumulus · 30/08/2023 22:14

I think you two have more to unravel than you’ve told us here. Clearly you two have a communication issue.

He “didn’t want to have sex anyway.” What’s that all about?
He’s a bloke isn’t he ? They always want sex don’t they?

I sense a massive drip feed coming.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 30/08/2023 22:16

What is the wider context? Why haven’t you had sex for 2 years? Do you/he want more children?

Sounds like a very odd comment for him to make. If he didn’t want to have sex with you then why did he?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2023 22:20

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 30/08/2023 22:16

What is the wider context? Why haven’t you had sex for 2 years? Do you/he want more children?

Sounds like a very odd comment for him to make. If he didn’t want to have sex with you then why did he?

I’m here too I’m afraid. It’s very confusing but that might be partly down to the missing context.

Peskytooth · 30/08/2023 22:23

Sounds like OP wants another child and was happy to let that happen and assumed DP was too. Then after sex he panicked because he doesn’t really want another child and has guilted her into taking the MAP. Is that right OP?

OfficerChurlish · 30/08/2023 22:24

Is he claiming you forced him to have sex when he didn't want to and that is why he didn't take precautions or ask if you had? Otherwise, it was his responsibility as much as yours. I'm not clear on whether you thought about being pregnant and proceeded anyway thinking the two of you had previously agreed on trying to have a baby, or if you just forgot about contraception? It sounds like there are a lot of areas where the two of you aren't in sync on your expectations (assuming he is being straightforward and not gaslighting you).
The issue of whether he wanted to have sex at the exact moment may be a separate one from whether he actively wants a child in general, but in both cases his views needed to be clearly communicated BEFORE sex took place, not after.

Of course, it should go without saying that you don't have to take the morning after pill if you don't want to or are unsure about it.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 30/08/2023 22:26

Why on EARTH do you both not just have a box of just-in-case condoms knocking around? I mean come on! You're not the first person in the world who can't take birth control. You are both being very unreasonable to not take individual responsibility for your actions here.

TheGoodBanana · 30/08/2023 22:38

I would be wonderingly who else he is having sex with that is on birth control.

bingoitsadingo · 30/08/2023 22:38

I’m confused. You say repeatedly he knows you’re not on birth control but you know that too? So why are you expecting him to act on that basis if you aren’t?

Original poster
Frenchie1980 · 31/08/2023 08:14

I didn't sleep with him because of miss trust on his part not mine. He also wants another child desperately and I thought we were in the same place to work on the relationship first and work on being intimate.

He is now saying this morning that he knows I'm not on the pill and panicked, he said he knows I wouldnt have and didn't concent to him "going inside" of me.

He said he lost control, I also think the "i didn't want to do it anyway" was again him just saying stupid things, unfortunately I'm right back to square one of not trusting him and feeling like a silly little school girl who keeps staying with this man who lies, cheats and says whatever to keep me where I am.

OP posts:
lemonyaid · 31/08/2023 08:16

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2023 22:20

I’m here too I’m afraid. It’s very confusing but that might be partly down to the missing context.

Show quote history

Same. I expect unless we were there its quite hard to tell the context exactly

lemonyaid · 31/08/2023 08:16

Frenchie1980 · 31/08/2023 08:14

I didn't sleep with him because of miss trust on his part not mine. He also wants another child desperately and I thought we were in the same place to work on the relationship first and work on being intimate.

He is now saying this morning that he knows I'm not on the pill and panicked, he said he knows I wouldnt have and didn't concent to him "going inside" of me.

He said he lost control, I also think the "i didn't want to do it anyway" was again him just saying stupid things, unfortunately I'm right back to square one of not trusting him and feeling like a silly little school girl who keeps staying with this man who lies, cheats and says whatever to keep me where I am.

So you didn't consent? I'm so sorry

TheAOEAztec · 31/08/2023 08:22

I can't have sympathy for adults in shite relationship planning on working on baby. You are both wrong

You both need to start acting your age.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 31/08/2023 08:22

I'm sorry OP. This looks like the breaking point for your relationship as there is no longer any trust on either side. Your DP is telling you, loud and clear, that he wants another child but not with you.

CornishGem1975 · 31/08/2023 08:26

Well we finally had sex and you can guess what happened, he said "I thought you were on both control" we've been together 9 years and I've never been on it he knows this.

I'm a bit confused, surely YOU knew you weren't on birth control so why would you have sex? I'm assuming you consented so it's a bit weird that you would blame him. As I say to my teenage daughter, if you don't want to get pregnant, take control of your own fertility and protection!

vivainsomnia · 31/08/2023 08:28

Very confusing post. Is the issue that he forced you to have sex or that you were consenting but are angry that he didn't protect himself knowing you were not on the pill.

If the latter, you're totally unreasonable. He wants a child, you don't. The onus is more on you to ensure you are protected.

Original poster
Frenchie1980 · 31/08/2023 08:28

I wasn't working on a baby, perhaps you missed the update.

OP posts:
CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 31/08/2023 08:34

Too many posters are confused and your updates don't clarify anything. Are you saying he forced himself on you?

CornishGem1975 · 31/08/2023 08:40

I didn't read 'he lost control' as him forcing himself on OP, I read it as he was meant to be pulling out but carried on.

OP can you clarify?

TheAOEAztec · 31/08/2023 08:40

Ok I am very confused here so I will retract and bow out