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AIBU?

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Original poster

What the hell just happened

76 replies

Frenchie1980 · 30/08/2023 21:58

Straight to the point

Partner and I haven't had sex in well over 2 years, he knows damn well I'm not on birth control, I cannot take it due to hemiplegic migraines and previous blood clots ect.

Well we finally had sex and you can guess what happened, he said "I thought you were on both control" we've been together 9 years and I've never been on it he knows this.

Yes, yes I know we should of used condoms, and I've already booked my morning after pill.

The issue is also his behaviour, he said he "didn't want to have sex anyway" and I'm left feeling utterly raging because all he ever talks about is another child.

My mind is spinning!!!!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 31/08/2023 10:07

This man has betrayed you on every single level hasn't he? Why are you still with him?

Dolores87 · 31/08/2023 10:08

Why are you in this relationship? What is the point of it?

cheezncrackers · 31/08/2023 10:09

You are both equally responsible for birth control OP. You're putting all this on him, but why didn't YOU get out a condom, put it on him, remind him, say something? You're an adult with, I assume, a voice and, I assume, you don't wish to get pregnant? FFS stop being so passive and whining that he didn't do what you wanted.

Peskytooth · 31/08/2023 10:11

He won’t change OP. You need to work on your self worth and leave him forever.

SafferUpNorth · 31/08/2023 10:16

cheezncrackers · 31/08/2023 10:09

You are both equally responsible for birth control OP. You're putting all this on him, but why didn't YOU get out a condom, put it on him, remind him, say something? You're an adult with, I assume, a voice and, I assume, you don't wish to get pregnant? FFS stop being so passive and whining that he didn't do what you wanted.

It sounds as if he forced himself on her.

@Frenchie1980 - time to end it.

Pinkdelight3 · 31/08/2023 10:26

So just to clarify - after two years of not having sex with him, you were attracted to him and up for fooling around while child-free, and consented to condom-free sex but were hoping he'd withdraw as you're not on contraception. However he lost control and came too quickly to withdraw.

You're seeing this as his fault and that he 'claimed' he lost control, but isn't it more likely that he simply did come quickly as it's been two years since you had sex together? Not saying he's not a lying/cheating twat, clearly that's who you have him down as, plus probably thick or wilfully dense about the contraception, and he wants another baby anyway, it's you who doesn't. But in this instance, clearing away the other factors, it seems you both had sex and he came too soon and now you have to take the MAP. So that's what the hell happened and I don't think it's any more his fault than yours, very old story.

The more important thing is that you don't really like him or want to be with him, which is fair enough by the sounds of his track record, so it's wrong to stick out another two years and risk having more DC. Better to call it a day.

Cherrysoup · 31/08/2023 10:30

Why are you with this idiot?

BrawnWild · 31/08/2023 10:30

This incident is just one example of why the relationship wont work. Ever.

No trust, breaking boundaries, poor communication and gas lighting.

cheezncrackers · 31/08/2023 10:32

It sounds as if he forced himself on her.

That's not what I got from her posts at all. It seems she was up for it until he came inside her without her permission, while knowing she's not on contraception. But she knows he wants another DC, while she does not. Ergo, it's her job to say 'No way are we having sex without a condom'. TBH, it sounds like they both got carried away (which after two years of no sex is not really surprising).

But I agree that the relationship sounds awful and she should end it.

BrawnWild · 31/08/2023 10:33

How many more years are you prepared to put in to this relationship? Where is your cut off? You only get one life and form the outside it's easy to see that this will never work whereas you just see the problem in front of you. You're wasting your life. Another 2 years? 4? 10? How old will you and your child be then? Are you going to pause having another baby for hat long or will his just wear you down further until you think you're getting on and might as well just have another baby and put another 5 years of your life and a baby into him?

AnneValentine · 31/08/2023 10:39

Frenchie1980 · 31/08/2023 08:48

Hes cheated, he's lied about all sorts over the years.

Over the last two years we hadn't had sex because I didn't want to, he hurt me so much and I didn't trust him.

I was finally in a place to feel comfortable, stupid I know maybe I'm just worn down so much.

He thinks having a child will "fix things" where as I see it as a trap, and I didn't want to have a child like that and like this.

I finally felt attracted to him, he wanted to have sex yesterday when our child was out at a party but I just wanted to kiss and fool around.

In the evening I thought maybe I could try and go the whole way.

He knows I can't take contraception, and I know I'm a fool for allowing him near me without a condom, he claims he can't maintain with one on.

We had only just started when he claimed he lost control, I didn't realise at first he immediately said "your on the pill"

As updated his since said this morning he knows I didn't concent to him finishing inside, and he knows I'm not on the pill so my mind is spinning as to if he did it on purpose.

I told him I felt violated, and he told me to "F off" and that's when he said he didn't want to sleep with me anyway and wasn't in the mood.

Which feels again confusing because he lept into bed didn't do anything for me just went in and then claimed he lost control.

I know I've made a mistake, I should of looked after myself, I just feel let down again and a fool

He sounds utterly awful. Please leave him.

RadishAndTwiglet · 31/08/2023 10:41

This man has betrayed you on every single level hasn't he? Why are you still with him?

How on earth did you arrive at that conclusion? What has the OP said to indicate betrayal on his part? He certainly won't be the first person to have knowingly had sex without BC because he was desparate for a baby, and while I never condone that if it's done covertly, the OP knew full well no BC was being used and willingly went ahead anyway. She has a tongue in her head and the ability to say 'don't come near me with that until it's covered.'

In fact she's said that he is the one who has been avoiding sex because of mistrust on his part, so it's entirely possible that the OP has at some point betrayed him. Has that occured to you?

It sounds as if he forced himself on her.

Christ almighty, no it doesn't. What planet are you on? This is such a classic MN anti-men response based on fuck all evidence. It's an absolute joke.

pilates · 31/08/2023 10:43

Sounds like you are flogging a dead horse and you should go your separate ways.

RadishAndTwiglet · 31/08/2023 10:43

Hes cheated, he's lied about all sorts over the years.

Over the last two years we hadn't had sex because I didn't want to, he hurt me so much and I didn't trust him.

Apologies, ignore my last post, I didn't see this. I misunderstood when she said 'I didn't sleep with him because of miss trust on his part not mine.'

I thought she meant he was the one with trust issues, not her.

SlothMama · 31/08/2023 10:59

pilates · 31/08/2023 10:43

Sounds like you are flogging a dead horse and you should go your separate ways.

This.

Sorry OP but neither of you sound happy, if you can't trust each other why are you in a relationship?

Original poster
Frenchie1980 · 31/08/2023 11:43

I have never ever cheated, he's has cheated

OP posts:
captainmarvella · 31/08/2023 11:45

Stratocumulus · 30/08/2023 22:14

I think you two have more to unravel than you’ve told us here. Clearly you two have a communication issue.

He “didn’t want to have sex anyway.” What’s that all about?
He’s a bloke isn’t he ? They always want sex don’t they?

I sense a massive drip feed coming.

This post is quite ill-informed, there are many men and women belonging to the asexuality spectrum. No, not all men want to have sex all the time. And all humans, no matter what their gender is, have a right to say no sex they don't want to have.

captainmarvella · 31/08/2023 11:48

captainmarvella · 31/08/2023 11:45

This post is quite ill-informed, there are many men and women belonging to the asexuality spectrum. No, not all men want to have sex all the time. And all humans, no matter what their gender is, have a right to say no sex they don't want to have.

Show quote history

say no ^to sex they don't want to have.

OP, please don't have a child with this man, as you are not over his betrayals and he does not sound like he's father material, any way. And that's apart from the fact that he's vile and abusive. You deserve better. My first LTB in a long time.

Justaredherring · 31/08/2023 12:22

Good grief, OP. Please take the MAP and don’t bring another poor child into this awful relationship

FarmGirl78 · 31/08/2023 14:23

Still not clear whether at the time you actually wanted and consented to intercourse. I get the jist you are not in a good place mentally because of how jumbled and unclear you're coming across. I'm assuming you're confused and anxious rather than pissed off and purposely trying to be aloof and mysterious.

Regardless, you really need to NOT be in this relationship. I hope you can get your head in a place where you can see this and work on finding a more independent confident future.

zusje · 31/08/2023 16:02

I agree with pp who said it's not unheard of or unlikely that he just came quickly because he presumably (hopefully?) hasn't had sex with anyone (if you're in a commited relationship and he's been trying to prove himself to you) in over 2 years. I wouldn't necessarily assume he did it on purpose. In any case it happened and thank god for the MAP.

You need to decide whether you want to stay with your partner and can actually forgive his previous transgessions/lying. If not then there's no point continuing with him as you will continue mistrusting him and seeing him as lying for every thing, even situations (like the above) where he might genuinely not intended to lie/manipulate you. And that's no way to live (for either of you)

Defiantjazz · 31/08/2023 16:08

I’m a bit confused to be honest.
Is it that you had unprotected sex on the spur of the moment and now you’re both kicking yourself?
What are you asking?

nimski · 31/08/2023 21:57

This is v confusing and messed up but what is 100% clear is that you should absolutely not still be together...

DonnaBanana · 31/08/2023 22:18

First, you need to ditch this loser. There’s no mileage left in this relationship.

Second, the idea of separating consent for penetrative sex and ejaculating seems bonkers to me. Ejaculation isn’t strictly required to get pregnant and quite often is hard to control anyway. If you don’t want a milkshake, you don’t get the bottle out of the fridge.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/08/2023 23:41

Frenchie1980 · 31/08/2023 08:48

Hes cheated, he's lied about all sorts over the years.

Over the last two years we hadn't had sex because I didn't want to, he hurt me so much and I didn't trust him.

I was finally in a place to feel comfortable, stupid I know maybe I'm just worn down so much.

He thinks having a child will "fix things" where as I see it as a trap, and I didn't want to have a child like that and like this.

I finally felt attracted to him, he wanted to have sex yesterday when our child was out at a party but I just wanted to kiss and fool around.

In the evening I thought maybe I could try and go the whole way.

He knows I can't take contraception, and I know I'm a fool for allowing him near me without a condom, he claims he can't maintain with one on.

We had only just started when he claimed he lost control, I didn't realise at first he immediately said "your on the pill"

As updated his since said this morning he knows I didn't concent to him finishing inside, and he knows I'm not on the pill so my mind is spinning as to if he did it on purpose.

I told him I felt violated, and he told me to "F off" and that's when he said he didn't want to sleep with me anyway and wasn't in the mood.

Which feels again confusing because he lept into bed didn't do anything for me just went in and then claimed he lost control.

I know I've made a mistake, I should of looked after myself, I just feel let down again and a fool

I'm a fool for allowing him near me without a condom, he claims he can't maintain with one on.

Ugh. What a fucking cliche he is.

He cheats. He lies. He doesn’t bother with consent. He wants to trap you with another pregnancy.

Take the morning after pill and kick this piece of shit out, finally.