Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the hell just happened

76 replies

Frenchie1980 · 30/08/2023 21:58

Straight to the point

Partner and I haven't had sex in well over 2 years, he knows damn well I'm not on birth control, I cannot take it due to hemiplegic migraines and previous blood clots ect.

Well we finally had sex and you can guess what happened, he said "I thought you were on both control" we've been together 9 years and I've never been on it he knows this.

Yes, yes I know we should of used condoms, and I've already booked my morning after pill.

The issue is also his behaviour, he said he "didn't want to have sex anyway" and I'm left feeling utterly raging because all he ever talks about is another child.

My mind is spinning!!!!

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 31/08/2023 08:41

Frenchie1980 · 31/08/2023 08:28

I wasn't working on a baby, perhaps you missed the update.

So you can’t use birth control for medical reasons, partner wants a baby but you don’t so you’ve not been having sex as a birth control method?

he’s a liar and a cheat?

but you want to work on the relationship and regain some intimacy?

why do you want to work on your relationship with a liar and cheat? Also a morning after pill won’t protect you against STIs.

ZadocPDederick · 31/08/2023 08:45

Do you mistrust him because he has other relationships?

Original poster
Frenchie1980 · 31/08/2023 08:48

Hes cheated, he's lied about all sorts over the years.

Over the last two years we hadn't had sex because I didn't want to, he hurt me so much and I didn't trust him.

I was finally in a place to feel comfortable, stupid I know maybe I'm just worn down so much.

He thinks having a child will "fix things" where as I see it as a trap, and I didn't want to have a child like that and like this.

I finally felt attracted to him, he wanted to have sex yesterday when our child was out at a party but I just wanted to kiss and fool around.

In the evening I thought maybe I could try and go the whole way.

He knows I can't take contraception, and I know I'm a fool for allowing him near me without a condom, he claims he can't maintain with one on.

We had only just started when he claimed he lost control, I didn't realise at first he immediately said "your on the pill"

As updated his since said this morning he knows I didn't concent to him finishing inside, and he knows I'm not on the pill so my mind is spinning as to if he did it on purpose.

I told him I felt violated, and he told me to "F off" and that's when he said he didn't want to sleep with me anyway and wasn't in the mood.

Which feels again confusing because he lept into bed didn't do anything for me just went in and then claimed he lost control.

I know I've made a mistake, I should of looked after myself, I just feel let down again and a fool

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 31/08/2023 08:50

This is not a man that you want to spend the rest of your life with, surely?

Watchkeys · 31/08/2023 08:50

unfortunately I'm right back to square one of not trusting him and feeling like a silly little school girl who keeps staying with this man who lies, cheats and says whatever to keep me where I am

This isn't unfortunate, this is what you have chosen. Take responsibility for yourself.

Watchkeys · 31/08/2023 08:51

I just feel let down again and a fool

Who do you feel let down by?

ZadocPDederick · 31/08/2023 08:54

Mending this relationship is not going to work, is it? Time to strike out on your own. In time you may find someone you can actually trust.

CornishGem1975 · 31/08/2023 08:59

There are various different methods of contraception you can use OP if you can't take the pill due to migraines.

As you're an adult, I'm sure you also know that the withdrawal method is not a good form of contraception, so whether he intended to finish inside or not, you were still at risk of pregnancy.

LynetteScavo · 31/08/2023 09:01

Why are you wasting time continuing with this relationship?

I can only imagine he's super rich and you're living a very nice lifestyle with him or something Confused

Faz469 · 31/08/2023 09:06

Get rid of this chump. You deserve someone better

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 31/08/2023 09:21

He knows I can't take contraception, and I know I'm a fool for allowing him near me without a condom,
You are both at fault. You can't lay the blame for this mess on him.

However, it sounds as though you are both in a toxic relationship anyway. Did you have any marriage counselling when it first fell apart as it's very hard to come back from cheating without it.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2023 09:30

Stratocumulus · 30/08/2023 22:14

I think you two have more to unravel than you’ve told us here. Clearly you two have a communication issue.

He “didn’t want to have sex anyway.” What’s that all about?
He’s a bloke isn’t he ? They always want sex don’t they?

I sense a massive drip feed coming.

Um, No they don't, actually.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2023 09:31

Frenchie1980 · 31/08/2023 08:14

I didn't sleep with him because of miss trust on his part not mine. He also wants another child desperately and I thought we were in the same place to work on the relationship first and work on being intimate.

He is now saying this morning that he knows I'm not on the pill and panicked, he said he knows I wouldnt have and didn't concent to him "going inside" of me.

He said he lost control, I also think the "i didn't want to do it anyway" was again him just saying stupid things, unfortunately I'm right back to square one of not trusting him and feeling like a silly little school girl who keeps staying with this man who lies, cheats and says whatever to keep me where I am.

So why on earth are you with him?

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2023 09:32

Frenchie1980 · 31/08/2023 08:48

Hes cheated, he's lied about all sorts over the years.

Over the last two years we hadn't had sex because I didn't want to, he hurt me so much and I didn't trust him.

I was finally in a place to feel comfortable, stupid I know maybe I'm just worn down so much.

He thinks having a child will "fix things" where as I see it as a trap, and I didn't want to have a child like that and like this.

I finally felt attracted to him, he wanted to have sex yesterday when our child was out at a party but I just wanted to kiss and fool around.

In the evening I thought maybe I could try and go the whole way.

He knows I can't take contraception, and I know I'm a fool for allowing him near me without a condom, he claims he can't maintain with one on.

We had only just started when he claimed he lost control, I didn't realise at first he immediately said "your on the pill"

As updated his since said this morning he knows I didn't concent to him finishing inside, and he knows I'm not on the pill so my mind is spinning as to if he did it on purpose.

I told him I felt violated, and he told me to "F off" and that's when he said he didn't want to sleep with me anyway and wasn't in the mood.

Which feels again confusing because he lept into bed didn't do anything for me just went in and then claimed he lost control.

I know I've made a mistake, I should of looked after myself, I just feel let down again and a fool

So leave him

Find a way

Dotjones · 31/08/2023 09:33

You're both responsible for ensuring adequate protection is used. Regardless of whether he knew you weren't on the pill you knew you weren't. So it's at least 50/50 your fault that you had unprotected sex. Unless he raped you but from your update it sounds like that's not the case.

I mean he sounds like a loser and you'd both be better off without each other but you're as much to blame for this situation as he is.

Escapingtherealityoflife · 31/08/2023 09:35

It’s not about the sex. It’s about the poor communication between the two of you.

VeridicalVagabond · 31/08/2023 09:38

I think you just need to leave this relationship. You don't trust him, haven't trusted him for two years, have zero intimacy... It's not going anywhere is it?

RadishAndTwiglet · 31/08/2023 09:41

I didn't sleep with him because of miss trust on his part not mine.

So he's been avoiding sex for 2 years because he has lost trust in you over something?

He also wants another child desperately and I thought we were in the same place to work on the relationship first and work on being intimate.

But although the relationship clearly hasn't been in a very healthy place for a while, he is in a hurry to have another baby, so has put is concerns on the back burner and is now willing to have sex purely to get you pregnant?

But you don't want to be pregnant, clearly, hence going for the MAP. So why on earth did you not insist on a condom, if you know he's unlikely to volunteer to use one?

There is obviously a lot going on here, and none of it sounds very promising for your relationship long term.

BMW6 · 31/08/2023 09:44

But you knew he wasn't wearing a condom?!

Surely you weren't relying on the Withdrawal method if contraception??????

CurlewKate · 31/08/2023 09:47

Why didn't you stop him? Did he force you?

FlipFlops4Me · 31/08/2023 09:56

The name for people who rely on withdrawal is "parents". Take your MAP and if I were you I'd be looking to separate/divorce because what you have is no sort of a marriage at all and honestly you'd both be better off emotionally if you weren't together.

You can't keep blaming him for all your problems when you have the option of leaving him. You may well love him but from all you've said it doesn't sound like he loves you. He just sees you as a walking womb.

Greengagesnfennel · 31/08/2023 09:57

To use the withdrawal method you need to be in a much stronger relationship than this AND on the same page about whether you want a baby. You also need to accept it is not 100% so you are choosing a method where a baby is a possibility even if a lot lower. Yabu. Sorry I don't think your relationship is ready for this method of 'contraception' (or a baby)
You probably knew this already?

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 10:07

As someone who did have a child to try and "fix things", I can say with absolute certainty that it actually puts more pressure on a relationship and if there are cracks to start with, they will be made even wider.

My marriage didn't last.

KimberleyClark · 31/08/2023 10:07

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2023 09:30

Um, No they don't, actually.

Show quote history

This. The belief that men are always up for sex leads to the belief that men can never be the victims of sexual harassment, and ultimately the belief that adult women having sex with underage boys is not as harmful as the other way around.

SafferUpNorth · 31/08/2023 10:07

OP, from your updates, it's clear that you need to end this relationship. I think you know that. I hope you find the strength to do so - I wish you all the best. Flowers