To not think I’m doing anything wrong here?

[Wherethecrawdadssingg]

Work in an office role for a busy company. Lots of phone calls and emails between departments. Apparently I have a reputation for being short on the phone i.e. straight to the point, no ‘how are you’, and that I don’t say goodbye. This wasn’t brought up in a formal way, more as a laugh actually.

Truth is, I hate chit chat, with the amount of phone calls I do I can’t bear chit chatting every single time. I’d get nothing done! I tend to just say ‘Hi, (hi) please can you send that me that document when you get chance? (Yeah sure) Great thanks.’ Conversation done.

I am often stressed as role is demanding. I can’t help but think that people don’t like it especially when it comes from a woman because we’re supposed to be nice and kind and polite all the time. Don’t know if it makes a difference that I’m younger (should I be sweetness and all things nice?).

TBH I think that some of my colleagues could really do with being a bit more efficient and less chit chatty!

I’m also in a management role so don’t know if that makes a difference.

I have plenty of friends at work and always get invited to events etc.

Just wondered what others thought/their experiences?

@sweeneytoddsrazor that’s really interesting thanks

I think small talk isn't necessary either, but saying goodbye is basic manners, I would be shocked at being hung up on without a goodbye at work. In fact it's a pet peeve I have about TV shows when someone hangs up without saying bye.

@Wherethecrawdadssingg I am exactly like you. I get it.

However, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and I have had to learn to be more personable on the phone. Even if you just ask how the other person is, it makes a big difference and helps establish inter-personal relationships with others and boosts how you are perceived.

I hate the forced friendliness but it is necessary when managing or interacting with others.

@Noorandapples it’s funny that you pick up on that because it genuinely doesn’t bother me at all. It takes a lot for me to find someone rude/abrasive. Maybe that’s where it comes from? But yes it does happen a lot on tv shows!

When you have motivational meetings with your team I can imagine you screaming ‘TIME IS MONEY GUYS!! TIME IS MONEY!! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR HELLOS, GOODBYES OR BULLSHIT ABOUT THE CRAP SUMMER WE HAVE HAD. FOR FUCKS SAKE DON’T ASK EMMA ABOUT HER DAUGHTER’S A LEVELS AND I FORBID YOU TO ASK JULIE IF HER DOG HAS HAD THE PUPPIES YET. TIME IS MONEY. NO CHRISTMAS BONUS FOR ANYONE CAUGHT SMILING. WE ARE TOO BUSY.’

My asd kid just hangs up when he's done talking. Doesnt see the point. He's being trained to be a bit more friendly and say goodbye. It's rude to just hang up on someone.

At least do that. It's bugging people to the point you're being talked about. Whether you care about that is up to you.

Yeah, thought so. Crack on, then.

@FartSock5000 thank you. I think this is it. I don’t want to upset people and it isn’t my intention. I just genuinely don’t have time for it. I find it tedious and boring. But it sounds like your approach is best and I have to fake it. It’s just very frustrating when I have so many calls a day. And often multiple with the same people!

@EbiRaisukaree thank you

Agree with this. Basic politeness of a hello and goodbye costs no time at all.

I'm on back to back meetings, multiple calls and have consultancy work to do on top of that and a simple, polite thanks and goodbye doesn't take up my time.

Everyone at work is like this, from admin assistants, through to the Chief Exec.

Maybe I do care about the people I'm talking to, maybe I don't.

But by being nice, showing my interest in them and by being friendly, I've built up a network of people who can help me out when I need it. Whether that's in my current job or people I still know from jobs I've left.

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, as one poster said above, is one of my favourite phrases. And actually taking a few minutes to build relationships with your colleagues I think is usually a worthwhile investment that pays back in help and cooperation later on.

Plus actually sometimes I meet people I really like and want to be actually friends with!

I don't know why you are pushing this agenda. There are enough real inequalities between men and women in the workplace without making up that men don't exchange pleasantries with colleagues and get away with it. Men are just as likely to do so and a man being abrupt / short with colleagues is very likely to receive that feedback.

I do care a bit about how my closer colleagues are. I would mostly avoid the phone for a lot of things, and use instant messaging for stuff like, "will that doc be done today?" I tend to stare at my screen when more remote people message me, if they start with, "Hi Emma, how are you? Hope you're having a wonderful day!" be cause mostly I'm thinking, "not bad, but I don't know you, so you're probably about to ask something to send it downhill, do get on with it!" But I don't actually say it out loud.

I got sent to HR because I didn't always greet colleagues on arrival in the office. I often waved, or communicated I other non-verbal ways, especially if they were on the phone. I had a wider non-departmental network than most of my peers, I'd been on holiday with a couple of colleagues over the years, I spoke to more people in other locations, went to socials, and organised some, wasn't the one who stood up and swore in a meeting... About another colleague, who really upset people by being blunt and rude, we were told, "that's just his way, you need to adjust and live with it." Yet I was the one who had to sit through a discussion with HR. I suspect the key difference was they all had penises and I don't - male-dominated workplace and double standards. I suspect I would have also ended up chatting to HR if I came in and said hi to everyone and asked them all how they were, how's the dog, etc, when I would have been interrupting them working, so there was no winning.

In many cases, I did have a good idea how they were, and how the kids and dog were. I just didn't chat about this much in front of our manager - because he was a total gossip, and I shared things with selected colleagues, not the whole office. We chatted at lunch and in the kitchen area, and less while we were meant to be working - the bit we were paid for. Admittedly the conversations we did have at our desks were probably deathly dull: "Have you seen this error message before?" "Did you hear back from that guy in the US about his storage request?"

It might be helpful to do some performative smalltalk, if you're being observed, just play the game for a bit, but otherwise, I'd just carry on.

I think as long as you say please and thank you no further chatter is necessary. Manners are important but chatter isn’t.

I would be offended if anyone - male or female - hung up the phone on me. Not saying 'thanks, bye' is rude. If my manager did it I would be even more offended! I also don't want chit chat on the phone, but hanging up without saying good-bye is really rude

Except you only respond positively to those who tell you you're fine and defensively to those who say you need to modify your behaviour.

As is demonstrated in your snippy reply to me.

Bye op (took a second to say)

I've been recently diagnosed as autistic and I don't see the point of the social chitchat stuff either and find it super tedious, but have always done it because that's what people expect and it's how the reciprocal social stuff works.

No-one is going to know if you're only pretending to care about someone's holiday or kids or if you actually do - they never know the difference (and other people might not genuinely care either - who knows?), and I've found I often get further in work if I just pretend to care and do what everyone else is doing.

I learnt how to behave by reading about it, observing others and then experimenting to see what worked and what didn't.

I suggest experimenting with doing things slightly differently in a low-stakes situation, and seeing if it helps make things feel a bit smoother with your colleagues. If it's too exhausting and unbearable, then you don't have to do it, but you might find that it sometimes makes your job a bit easier, so it's definitely worth experimenting with different communication styles to see the effect it has on your interactions.

I find that even though I'm not always inclined to be sociable at work, I'm glad I developed those skills to use when I need to, as they have definitely come in handy over the years!

I'm with you. As lovely as it is to start every slack conversation with enquiries about the weather and my health, I'd prefer to just get to the point.

TBH, I suck it up and I'm polite when other people start it, but when I start a conversation it's short and to the point (polite, but not chatty). I've had feedback that it's appreciated (especially by other techs)

The thing is people who describe themselves as 'efficient' are often perceived by others as abrupt and a bit rude, and therefore less approachable. That is not a positive thing when you rely on collaboration to get things done

If it is being said in a jokey way, it has been noticed and you should pay attention because people will often try to address issues like this first before raising it as 'an issue' with your manager

Surely this is not a one size fits all model and it should be based on who you talk to.

I have some colleagues who want a direct and quick conversation. I have some who don’t want to talk about anything from their personal life, I have others that love it when you ask how their weekend / child / dog is. It takes 2 minutes to make the latter feel good…

You can still keep it brief “Hi sorry me again, feel like I talk to you more than my partner some days! Anyway, can you tell me…..”

Topping and tailing a request with a bit of small talk should be enough to negate the negative feedback.

I don’t agree with inane small talk but saying “thanks bye” before you hang up hardly takes half an hour of precious time.

i worked with a bloke once who not only didn’t say goodbye, he didn’t say hello or anything else either. Phoning him was excruciatingly awkward.

so it would go:

Me (ringing from other office): Hi Graham, it’s Puppy here.
Him: tumbleweed.
Me: You asked me to call about that report.
Him: tumbleweed.
Me: I’ve done it all, should I send it off or do you need to look at it first?
Him: continued tumbleweed
Me: waits.
Me: waits.
Me: waits.
Me: Hello?
Him: Yep, send it. (Hangs up)
Me:

You can't possibly find it tedious and boring to say "bye". Who could be bored by saying something that takes less than a second.

Small talk more generally I find differs person to person. Some people I work with will drone on about their cats for the first 10 mins of every conversation, some get straight to the work related point of the call. EVERYONE says bye at the end.

From what you've said here, my guess is that when your colleagues say you are 'a bit short' on the phone, what they actually mean is that you come across as brusque and rude. They would not have mentioned it otherwise.

For example, not saying goodbye at the end of a call is definitely rude. And rudeness is unprofessional.

I don't have really long phone chats with people at work, but I would say that a bare minimum of something like 'Hi, how are you?' and a thanks and goodbye is required for a professional telephone manner. Basic people skills and a degree of self-awareness about how you come across to others are all facets of professional behaviour, and even more so when you're in a managerial role.

You don't need to have a chat about people's personal lives, but simple good manners and a friendly tone are required. It doesn't matter how stressed or busy you are. Other people manage to be polite and personable when they're stressed and busy, and you should be able to manage it too.

Nothing to do with being female, either.

There must be a middle ground between chatting about your personal life and just hanging up w/o saying good bye.

Colleague: great, I'll send the documents over later.
OP: thanks [hangs up]

OP: crawdag here, I'm confirming the meeting is at 2pm tomorrow.
Colleague: great, thank you
OP [hangs up]

Is that how the conversations go? They seem a bit awkward and blunt.

I mean, "bye" at the end of a call signifies the conversation is over.