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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT be dreading my 18yo daughter going to University

75 replies

OwlBeGone · 30/08/2023 11:45

She's been increasingly distant in the last couple of years- good group of friends, A level obvs, job. She had a difficult early teens and time at primary school which I did my best to support her through. She's become what I would call a more or less "normal" teen, though a bit more emotionally immature than her peers. She's overcome a lot, I love her and am hugely proud of her (which I tell her) but I am SO READY for her to go. Because she's so distant, supercilious, and has completely checked out of family life. I wouldn't say we were close, which is really quite heartbreaking.

But I feel like I need her go to not have her attitude in my face on a daily basis? And of course, she WANTS to go and is ready.

I've read a few threads MN by mothers who are upset, even in grief, at the impending departure of their children. Not saying this is wrong either - but I'm wondering if I'm weird?

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 30/08/2023 11:51

It's a change, of course and that can trigger some sadness but yanbu if you've raised them in a healthy and supportive way then you're proud of them for making their own way. They're also hardly disappearing forever (seems the tone of some of these posts), if you did it right they'll check in and share the big things but boundaries are important. Some parents seem to create drama, I can't imagine their teens being as emotional to be out of the grasp of some of these gcse drama performative parenting efforts!

AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 30/08/2023 11:54

I was delighted to wave each of mine off in turn. And these were not 'difficult' teens.

You're not weird.

AuntieMarys · 30/08/2023 12:00

I was delighted when mine went. I knew they'd have a blast as I did.

Hbh17 · 30/08/2023 12:01

You sound sensible and realistic, OP. The reaction of some parents is, to say the least, excessive. No wonder some young people struggle to adapt, given how much they are infantilised by their parents. At 18, I would expect someone to be more than ready to leave home, and parents to be more than ready for them to go - that's how the world works!

Callywals · 30/08/2023 12:04

I couldn't wait for my ds to go. He had been an extremely challenging teen and had also disassociated himself completely from family life. It was the space we both needed. He actually missed us and started to appreciate what he'd had at home. He came home for occasional weekends and we all had a good time, chatting more than we had in years. He also messaged frequently. We got on far better with him living elsewhere. I love him but find him very hard to live with and during the break we had from each other, it opened his eyes up to world and gave him chance to grow up a bit.

Lentilweaver · 30/08/2023 12:06

Too right! Bye Felicia.

TheYadaYada · 30/08/2023 12:08

That’s sad, but also honest. Hopefully a bit of distance between you will improve your relationship.

exLtEveDallas · 30/08/2023 12:08

I feel exactly the same. She needs to go now. If she had taken a gap year I think it would have destroyed us.

IVFbeenverylucky · 30/08/2023 12:09

I can't wait and my DD is only 2 lol

Maray1967 · 30/08/2023 12:11

AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 30/08/2023 11:54

I was delighted to wave each of mine off in turn. And these were not 'difficult' teens.

You're not weird.

Same here, although only done it once so far.

No problems, but happy to see him move forward.

As a uni lecturer, I advise knocking the drama and ‘grief’ on the head. Your student DCs do not need it. Some of them struggle because of it.

35965a · 30/08/2023 12:12

I think the way you’re feeling is really healthy.

Seashellies · 30/08/2023 12:13

Everyone's different, however you feel is fine! I've always been close to my parents but they excitedly waved me off- excited for me and also for the next chapter in their lives. My mum has since admitted she cried herself to sleep after I left a fair few times, but she never let on bless her as she knew it'd be selfish really.

Unmute · 30/08/2023 12:18

You're not weird. I didn't particularly like my parents (although I appreciate them now I'm an adult), I was thrilled to be leaving home when I was 18, and my parents were equally thrilled to see me go.

But everyone's different, and it's not at all weird to be emotional about your child heading to uni. I'm dreading ds going next week. It's always been just the two of us, we're very close, he's great company, and I'm going to miss him.

BackToOklahoma · 30/08/2023 12:28

@Hbh17 You have a lot to say about what parents and children should do and feel for someone that doesn’t have kids. 😅

My son is going to uni in a few weeks. I’m not dreading it but we have a close relationship and we’ll miss him very much, as he will miss us. It’ll be a big change for us all. He’s lovely company and the house is going to feel very different but he’ll be home regularly and I’m sure we’ll FaceTime and text.

I suppose it’s a bit different if you’re not close but I do know a couple of parents/kids whose relationships improved with them going to university. I suppose a bit of a break helped. Hopefully that’ll happen for you and your DD OP.

TripleDaisySummer · 30/08/2023 12:29

She is ready and excited.

I think it may well improve our relationship as everything I do or have ever done or she remembers me doing but no-one else does is being criticized at minute.

I also think it may make a few things at home for rest of us easier - meal times youngest is pickiest but she quiet picky DD1 even when I cook something specially for her she moans rest of us having something she doesn't like.

Probably helps I have two younger one at home still and trying to get some things for me started and have hope DH and I can do more together and with younger two more family things - I may yet have a huge wobble but despite some needling from extended family members I'm pretty positive.

Scaryghost · 30/08/2023 12:33

I’m going to miss ds but I’m also really excited for him. He is nervous but really looking forward to it and has a few friends attending the same uni. He won’t be too far away so says he will be home to visiting, yeah right! Wait until all the parties start 🤣

WhispersOfWickedness · 30/08/2023 12:40

I'm convinced that most of the reason why lots of teenagers go through an obnoxious phase is so that their parents aren't too sad when they leave home Grin

ItsMyUkelele · 30/08/2023 12:41

I'd feel the same as you I'd if either of my DC were supercilious, distant and had checked out of family life.

Luckily for me they're both lovely (19 and 17 - 19 year old almost ready to buy first house) and I will miss them beyond measure when they leave home 😢

FewerAndLess · 30/08/2023 12:47

There is no right way to feel.

It’s possible to feel sad but also know it’s the right thing for them and wave them off with a hug.

I did feel ‘empty’ when my first left but I got over it. He came home far more than I expected due to his sparse timetable and strikes! And we stayed in touch lots and have a great relationship.

My youngest is leaving next month and I feel sad again. But I know it’s the right thing. We are very close and I know to start with she will FaceTime me lots until she is settled. I love seeing how excited she is about her course and her new life.

It is a bittersweet time. And every parent will be different. Based on their own personalities, their relationship with their kids, any issues their young people have, the university they are going to etc. Way too many variables.

It’s ok to feel however you want. As long as you encourage and support your 18y old from a distance so they know you are there for them if needed.

123sunshine · 30/08/2023 13:25

I feel exactly the same. I love my son to bits, but the last few years have been tough going, one issue after another and its knocked the stuffing out of me and i'm exhausted. He's excited and ready to go and and I am pleased for him and also ready for him to go. We aill always remain close, but I am proud that I've raised a kid that is confident to go out in the world and doesn't need to cling to his mums apron strings. He's got to work on his organisational skills without me there chivvying him along. I've never been sad at each new stage my kids have encoutered, such as leaving primary school etc ect, it's all part of growing up and moving on. Its good to look to the future and not dwell ont he past.
I know when I left home my mum felt the same, she was ready for her own space our relationship had become fraught and we grew much closer again living in seperate homes.

Lentilweaver · 30/08/2023 13:47

One of them knocked the stuffing out of me in her teen years. Then she went to uni, full of beans. Then the pandemic came and she had to come back. Hell broke loose. I am still not over it.

HamBone · 30/08/2023 14:03

We dropped off our DD (18) last week as American unis have just started back. She was ready to go and we were ready to see her spread her wings…the bathroom’s miraculously tidy now all her lotions and makeup have gone, she wasn’t great at putting things away. 😂

We have a close relationship, but there comes a point when they need to get away and do their own thing, and I could tell that although she loves us, she sometimes finds us middle-aged and boring, while I sometimes find her opinionated and entitled!

I’m def. missing her and still providing plenty of support via texts/phone calls, but Im also happy that she’s ready for more independence.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 30/08/2023 14:06

Mine is having a year out and staying at home for at least the first part of it and I will be delighted to see her go. Not because she isn’t lovely company but because she seems to me to be ready to spread her wings and there is a whole world out there waiting for her. She isn’t

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 30/08/2023 14:08

Oops posted too soon.
She isn’t intellectually ready for university and doesn’t know what she wants to do but she shouldn’t really be at home, however none of her possible overseas year out plans came off.

FewerAndLess · 30/08/2023 15:16

Lentilweaver · 30/08/2023 13:47

One of them knocked the stuffing out of me in her teen years. Then she went to uni, full of beans. Then the pandemic came and she had to come back. Hell broke loose. I am still not over it.

University students were treated appallingly during the pandemic. We just missed it but saw how plenty of our friends’ kids suffered. Genuinely they were a neglected group. Isolated, not properly educated and disregarded.