To NOT be dreading my 18yo daughter going to University

[OwlBeGone]

She's been increasingly distant in the last couple of years- good group of friends, A level obvs, job. She had a difficult early teens and time at primary school which I did my best to support her through. She's become what I would call a more or less "normal" teen, though a bit more emotionally immature than her peers. She's overcome a lot, I love her and am hugely proud of her (which I tell her) but I am SO READY for her to go. Because she's so distant, supercilious, and has completely checked out of family life. I wouldn't say we were close, which is really quite heartbreaking.

But I feel like I need her go to not have her attitude in my face on a daily basis? And of course, she WANTS to go and is ready.

I've read a few threads MN by mothers who are upset, even in grief, at the impending departure of their children. Not saying this is wrong either - but I'm wondering if I'm weird?

Nah your not unreasonable - DD1 went last year - a year later than her peers - she was always a challenging young person, I love her to bits but it was time - the difference in our relationship, and that with her sisters, is amazing - we've had a fabulous summer and I will miss her more when she goes back this year.

DD2 is off as well - also a year later - she is so ready - she's become a little bit 'know it all' and give me parenting advice about her younger sister - she's also bloody messy! She is going to have the time of her life - can't wait to watch her fly!

Completely agree! It's nature's way of preparing you!

I know my MIL had a terrible time when DH left - but then she was only 36 at the time, whereas I'll be nearly 61 when my youngest goes. We've had completely different lives in many ways.

That's a great way to be.

I had the misery routine from my own mother ...losing me, she'll miss me, etc etc

She talked of losing me again at the start of every term. It was so suffocating.

Thanks for the further replies. I feel optimistic that our relationship will improve when she's gone - there's not anything fundamentally amiss with it. She's just outgrown home and I've come to the end of my tether with the way she's expressing this normal stage. She needs to leave for the sake of mine AND her sanity

While she's at uni be prepared for things to go quiet, to only hear from her if she needs help or money or advice. Try and be patient and offer a listening ear. It's a whirlwind and easy to get wrapped up in your new life. Don't take it as a snub.

Yes @ilovemydogmore I've already prepared myself for that. I've even joked with her about it. I'm fully expecting her to be very elusive for the first few months at least

I think it's just on MN where people dread their children moving on in their lives, university is exciting!
They possibly have made their children the centre of their universe with nothing else to focus on.

Just because some parents dread their children leaving doesn’t mean they aren’t also excited for them to be moving on in their lives, it is possible to feel both emotions.
I’ve never shed a tear at school events or when they have transitioned from one stage to the other but I’ve cried when each of them have left home and moved hours away. Youngest is about to leave for uni and whilst I’m extremely proud of him and know he has exciting times ahead of him, it doesn’t take away from the fact I’m going to miss him dreadfully.

I think it's just on MN where people dread their children moving on in their lives

It's much worse on the WIWIKAU Facebook page. So many melodramatic mothers (It's never fathers or other family members) have been sobbing all summer.

Just because I don't cry at stuff like this doesn't mean I love my daughter any less, but I'm willing to bet that the DC of these parents are the ones who will struggle most because these parents will project their distress and clinginess on to them. These DC will feel guilt tripped into constantly calling and texting their parents, who will have installed trackers on their phones. I think it is really unhealthy to be like this.

We don't own our children. We should pat ourselves on the back because we have brought up responsible and capable adults. We shouldn't be clinging on to them. We should set them free to follow their dreams.

DD graduated last year and has stayed in her university city. We talk more often on the phone now than when she was a student.

I love my ds to bits but he is a lazy expensive lump when at home so I can't wait for him to go back.

Looking back, I think my parents had mixed emotions when I left for uni at 18. I moved quite a long way away, so didn't come home at weekends. Just the main holidays.

I do get on well with my parents and there were no rows between us. However, things were difficult at home for me. I was often lumbered with picking my younger sister up and looking after us both until 10pm if my parents were working. This was all through secondary.

My sister is an extremely difficult person and was really quite nasty at times. So it made life difficult for me.

My parents had some challenges of their own which didn't help and they had a lot on dealing with my sister.

So, in all honesty, for me, it was a good thing to go to uni. I needed some space and independence. They needed to not rely on me so much. I enjoyed uni and learning to be independent. I think they knew I was ready to go but I do think it was hard for them as well.

Voice of sanity OP.
Of course it can be sad when a child goes away . But those posting about their sadness might do well to take a breath and consider how sad they might feel if their offspring missed the grades and couldn't go.

I think people forget the point of being a teenager is to learn to be your own independent person and with that comes pissing off your parents enough that the split at adulthood is one you both welcome. I'm another who is excited to see them go and find out who they are and live their lives.

I’m an introvert who always longs for more time alone, and a single mum, so I’ve always thought I would be very happy for them to go. But now my 18yo DS is going, I do feel sad - even though it’s actually not far away. He’s great company and lovely to chat to, and has always been an easy teen. It did hit me that this is the end of his childhood/growing up, and having him around all the time, and what a big change that is. I’ve shed tears but not in a sobbing all summer kind of way.

Younger teen DD though is much more of a handful and her attitude and moods can make life pretty stressful. If she’s still like that at 18 I can imagine breathing a sigh of relief and booking a solo holiday to decompress. But will probably still miss her.

@RampantIvy I think melodramatic is a good word to describe some reactions- personally I place it in the same ballpark as 'the one' and 'forever home' - maybe I'm just unsentimental

And "dream wedding/holiday/house"

Maybe I am just more pragmatic.

After nearly losing DD when she was a few weeks old (yes, I did cry then) her going to university was small stuff in the grand scheme of things.

I don't know how I'll feel as mine are little but I think I'll feel afraid for their safety and happiness, rather than missing them! I know that's not ideal, but the idea of not knowing where the are, who they are with, of them being vulnerable, out late, intoxicated, far from home. Or struggling and not able to come straight to me - that's what worries me! I assume this is just because they are small at the moment and when they're older I'll be more confident...

but I think I'll feel afraid for their safety and happiness

I was apprehensive for DD. I was worried that she wouldn't make friends or keep up with her course. Those are normal parental concerns, but not something to cry about all summer.

Absolutely LOLing here!

But those posting about their sadness might do well to take a breath and consider how sad they might feel if their offspring missed the grades and couldn't go.

This was a real worry for us - plan b/c was that she spend another year here retaking fact she doesn't have to is fantastic.

As teens they've slowly been getting more independent going out without us - and we've drilled in making sure the have a plan for getting home safely. I wish eldest had done bit more cooking but she can follow a recipe and knows where to find good ones - she she's been getting herself up and about for years.

MIL was one of these upset ones and clingy during DH University years - she spent most of his childhood hating motherhood and being away where possible whereas DH and I have tried to make most of the time. My own mother got upset last minute as realised there was so much she hadn't taught - well we've been slowly preparing them all for years. It's possibly easier as DH and I went to university we know what a good experience it can be how much we grew up. She near enough to get to if needed and she has a phone to call.

Like anything, people process it differently and that's fine!

I had friends who dropped off their DC at nursery for the first time and went home to enjoy a cup of tea in peace. When I dropped mine off I sobbed uncontrollably all the way to work. But some of the same friends were then devastated the first time they had to be away for the night from DC. I happily waved DC off from the train. We all love our DC, and at least back then they were all tiny and wonderful.

I think what your reaction really reflects is how you're talking that 'moment' and what it symbolises to you. If you're taking it as an exciting new step and potentially providing the space you need to build a stronger relationship as adults, you'll be happy. If you're taking it as the end of a long and mostly happy era, from bringing your tiny baby home from hospital all the way to them heading off to live their own lives away from you, you'll probably be sad. For most people it's a mix. Whatever you feel is fine. I think the main thing is to provide a solid and supportive rock for your children to return to, without letting on what you're particularly happy or sad about them going.

I've had mixed feelings. My eldest is, and always has been, very independent and I had no significant worries about her gping away. We have a good relationship and I miss her but I knew she was easily ready to move on and was definitely doing what she wanted to do. Middle one was a bit different as it was far less clear that he had made the right choice and he is very shy and found it hard to settle initially so I was extremely anxious- but worried for him, not upset for me. It all turned out fine in the end though!
Youngest is going into year 13 now and I probably will find him leaving the hardest, partly because I'll then have an empty nest and partly because we have a shared hobby so I spend a great deal of time with him now, more than with the others at this age. So yes, I will be a bit sad. But not distraught, heartbroken or any of the other very emotive terms you see bandied about sometimes. It's part of the cycle of life. Children grow up and move away. Parents have to let go. I'd be more concerned if any of my children didn't feel able to move out at some point. I don't think they necessarily need to attain full independence the day they turn 18 or anything, but as they move into adulthood relationships do change and whilst it will be a bit different for everyone I do think that learning to let go and encouraging them to spread their wings is part of being a good parent.

I had to hide that page the comments were absolutely ridiculous, crazy over involved parents, who need to get a life of their own!

I think there's a bit of a pattern with some kids where they think you know nothing and then go to uni which seems to confirm it, then they come home and treat you like a servant, then go back to uni where they talk with their friends about how little you know, then they graduate and can't get a job (body blow) and come home to stay, while continuing to treat you like you know nothing. Eventually they get a job and work with older people and get all that knocked out of them and they realise you're not as stupid as they thought you were.

Put your seatbelt on for the next few years!

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