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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT be dreading my 18yo daughter going to University

75 replies

OwlBeGone · 30/08/2023 11:45

She's been increasingly distant in the last couple of years- good group of friends, A level obvs, job. She had a difficult early teens and time at primary school which I did my best to support her through. She's become what I would call a more or less "normal" teen, though a bit more emotionally immature than her peers. She's overcome a lot, I love her and am hugely proud of her (which I tell her) but I am SO READY for her to go. Because she's so distant, supercilious, and has completely checked out of family life. I wouldn't say we were close, which is really quite heartbreaking.

But I feel like I need her go to not have her attitude in my face on a daily basis? And of course, she WANTS to go and is ready.

I've read a few threads MN by mothers who are upset, even in grief, at the impending departure of their children. Not saying this is wrong either - but I'm wondering if I'm weird?

OP posts:
Spudlover · 30/08/2023 15:20

I’m looking forward to it and so is she. She’s not neurotypical and while she’s lovely, man alive, she’s hard work 😅 There have been a lot of issues over the years and I’m tired!

Im looking forward to not having the daily battle of getting her up and out, that’s her responsibility and she will have to cope with it. I won’t have to plan for her, or organise her. She’s capable although she finds it harder, she just won’t while I’m around.

Ill miss her but it will be good for both of us.

HamBone · 30/08/2023 15:30

@Spudlover Yes, it’s their “life admin” that can be so draining. My DD is NT, but was quite happy to let Mum help organize her life right up until she left last week…why not have an assistant if you can?! 🤣

Now she’s having to do it herself, for example, she needed to go to the campus health centre to get a prescription…cue several texts to me…but unsurprisingly, she WAS able to do it independently. 🤣

RampantIvy · 30/08/2023 15:30

Hbh17 · 30/08/2023 12:01

You sound sensible and realistic, OP. The reaction of some parents is, to say the least, excessive. No wonder some young people struggle to adapt, given how much they are infantilised by their parents. At 18, I would expect someone to be more than ready to leave home, and parents to be more than ready for them to go - that's how the world works!

I so agree with this. DD took a gap year, and by the end of it she was so ready to go to university, and I was excited for her to go. Some of the angst on that Facebook page from ultra clingy mothers who have sobbed all summer at the thought of their DC going to university is way over the top.

I'm pretty sure their DC pick up on it and they are the ones who struggle when they are away.

DD and I are close, and I love her to bits. I totally get the feeling of emptiness at first when they have gone, but some of these women need to get a grip.

Original poster
OwlBeGone · 30/08/2023 15:45

Thank you all for these replies, they are all really helping in different ways.

OP posts:
ilovemydogmore · 30/08/2023 15:47

Totally normal. That age is so tough for teenagers and parents - grow up (but not too quickly), be independent (but not too much that you check out of family life), find out who you are (but don't change too much from the child you were and that we still see you as)

Noicant · 30/08/2023 15:48

Can’t wait for my 3yr old to fly the nest… it’s been a long day.

Comedycook · 30/08/2023 15:49

I have younger teens so not at that stage yet but I can imagine myself feeling like you op.

It's like the first day at primary school. I was absolutely ecstatic to wave them off and enjoy six hours childfree time a day! Other mums were sobbing and posting shit on Facebook about how devastated they were weirdos

mondaytosunday · 30/08/2023 15:53

I couldn't live with my son (20) now. He left just before 18 temporarily to his GF's family house as I sold but our new house fell through so me and daughter were staying in Airbnbs for 8 weeks. Then he got his own place at 18. He loves the independence though I think he is lonely at times - there aren't a lot of people his age where he's at (70 miles away from me) and he works full time with people decades older. But when he visits he's super critical and tells me everything I'm doing wrong! He is super high energy and I'm not and he can't really understand it (I'm over 60 but in good health). So we are far better at a distance and I go visit him once or twice a month and stay over. We do text every day as he knows I get anxious if I don't hear from him. We will be going away at Christmas all together.
But my daughter is another thing. She's 18 and will be at home for the next year (taking a kind of gap year while doing a course), and we get on really well. She's not very social so I'm really the only person she's seen this summer which suits her fine. She's very self contained and if she wants to go out and about is happy to potter around the charity shops, go to the library and have a sandwich or whatever off a street vendor on her own. But our evenings are together and we take turns cooking. I will really miss her when she goes.

RampantIvy · 30/08/2023 16:22

It's like the first day at primary school. I was absolutely ecstatic to wave them off and enjoy six hours childfree time a day! Other mums were sobbing and posting shit on Facebook about how devastated they were weirdos

I was like you @Comedycook. I was desperate for some me time.

Gerrataere · 30/08/2023 16:31

The thing is, it’s not natural (in the truest sense) for our children to stay with us beyond maturity. It is completely healthy to want to leave the nest and for us to want them to - despite how much we may (or may not!) miss them. My kids are young but have additional needs. It makes me sad for me and them that they may never have the opportunity of independence - if they do find a way away from home I’ll be thrilled, genuinely. They need to find their own two feet in whatever way that means to them.

Hope you and your daughter enjoy this new start, and a newer, more mature relationship can develop from it.

Lampzade · 30/08/2023 16:33

Both my dd’s are pretty easy going but I was glad when they went to university. Dh found it difficult.
I love my dds they are great girls but after 18/19 years of having them at home I was grateful for the break tbh. Less cleaning and washing , more time to pursue hobbies .
When they are away at university I speak to them several times a week.
After they finish university I would be fine about them coming back home

Also agree with the poster who said that she was happy when her dcs started infant school.
It was truly one of the happiest days of my life when my dcs were all at primary school.
Took myself off to Costa and smugly looked at all the women with screaming toddlers in tow

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2023 16:35

Familiarity breeds contempt, and absences make the heart grow fonder.

Perfectly normal reaction op.

Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2023 16:36

I actually think the grievers are the weirdos. It’s natural and normal for your DC to be tipped out of the nest. I’m delighted and excited for my dd and we are very close. YANBU.

RosemaryDill · 30/08/2023 16:39

I was very sad when mine left but I acknowledge that they were the very opposite of difficult teens.
I have friends with children who are very difficult to parent and I can imagine the relief at being able to relax.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/08/2023 16:40

I'm somewhere in between tbh. I will really miss my 18yo dd, but I'm excited for her and I know it is time for her to spread her wings. She's no trouble at home at all, and we all get on like a house on fire, but she's a bit lacking in motivation and initiative and needs to get out of her old routines and get some oomph. The person who will miss her most (though he wouldn't admit it) is 15yo ds. They are best mates really.

Comedycook · 30/08/2023 16:41

It was truly one of the happiest days of my life when my dcs were all at primary school
Took myself off to Costa and smugly looked at all the women with screaming toddlers in tow

😂

mathanxiety · 30/08/2023 16:42

YANBU to feel the way you do, but if I were you I would try my utmost to repair whatever is amiss in the relationship.

Don't let too much time go by and too much physical and emotional distance build up. She still needs a mother. You will grieve her loss if she gets too far away.

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/08/2023 16:43

I was very happy to see mine off. Then very sad once he'd gone.

Bobbotgegrinch · 30/08/2023 16:46

Completely normal. Me and my Mum got on way better after I left home for uni, we really didn't do well under the same roof.

You may find that you and your daughter actually start getting on better when you don't see each other quite so much!

2ndMrsdeWinter · 30/08/2023 17:07

I dread my eldest going and also feel excited for her in equal measure. I will miss her so very much but she is really ready for a new start.

OP, I hope your dd has a blast and comes back with more appreciation for family life!

Zanatdy · 30/08/2023 17:08

I was proud of my son and excited for him to start a new life. He’s always been a good kid but I wanted him to enjoy his life, none of us cried

Crikeyalmighty · 30/08/2023 17:11

I was more like you.

BackToOklahoma · 30/08/2023 17:18

I was very sad when mine left but I acknowledge that they were the very opposite of difficult teens.
I have friends with children who are very difficult to parent and I can imagine the relief at being able to relax.

Yes, I think that’s a big part of it for many people. Ours have been great teens and are great to have around so there’s no relief at our son leaving. I think my daughter will feel sad. We’ll all miss him but we’re excited for him too. Uni was such a great experience for me and his dad and where we made lifelong friends and I’m sure he’s going to love it as much as we both did.

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/08/2023 17:21

I was completely ready for both my children to go to University and have very happy relationships ... then and now. Perhaps because I'm quite old ...

HamBone · 30/08/2023 17:22

Honestly, it’s far better to be ready to let them go than the opposite. One of DD’s primary school friends is unable to go to university this year, due to her physical and mental health problems. Having known the family for years, I strongly suspect that the Mum’s own anxiety has contributed to her problems and that most of the physical symptoms are being caused by her poor MH (she’s had tons of tests and there’s no discernible physical cause).

It’s so sad and she’s miserable as all her friends have left for uni.