'Making memories'

[lollipoprainbow]

Argh nearly the end of the summer holidays and I don't feel we've done much. Facebook is full of families doing great things and 'making memories' . Dd11 is autistic so life for her and me is tough. Also we moved house at the start of the holidays and have been slowly sorting that out. We've had a few outings to an outdoor lido which my dd loves but not a lot else. Feel like I've let her down. Anyone else feel the same as me? Tell me I'm not alone in feeling rubbish!

What does making memories even mean?

I'm making memories right now. So are you.

We have been really lucky this summer to have the money and time to spoil the kids. IT is the first time in years though as we have been working or skint the last few years. Is you and your DD are happy enough and surviving the holidays then that is good enough.
Plus, if you looked at facebook, you wouldn't know we had left the house! Facebook isn't a reflection of real life.

Memories aren't made.

I hate the phrase. It’s normally people defending their house being a tip, not working, not doing anything that’s not child-related etc: ‘I would rather be making memories’.

It makes my eyes roll.

A house move is a massive memory! You have had some nice days out over the summer during stuff appropriate to your autistic child. That’s more than enough.

I have barely any specific memories of what we actually did with the kids when they were young. Does that mean it was for nothing?

People all need to live in the moment more now and forget about posting their lives on damn social media.

Children are often enriched by different things than adults think they are or should be, and it isn’t the children posting about the “memories” on Facebook. If you went to a lido your DC love going to then surely that’s a great memory.

It used to infuriate my mum that she’d budget so that every school holiday we could have at least one “big” trip - to the zoo, or a safari park, or suchlike - per week and then throughout the holidays various other activities like the beach, a museum day, a trip to somewhere new etc; and then when we got back to school after the summer and did our “what I did in the holidays” write up, it would invariably say “I went to the park and my friend Lizzie and I made a secret den in the hedge” and “we had ice cream at gran and grandad’s house in their back garden and grandad got stuck in his deckchair and we all laughed.”

Facebook is a pain in the arse. All those beautiful people leading perfect lives - sod that! I don't believe a word of it - and who wants to boast about their lives all the time? - not anyone I want to know for sure!

I lead a quiet life because that suits me. I used to look on facebook at everything others were doing and it made me think I should be out there doing more - but then I thought "what the hell".

You haven't let your DD down. Big upheavals like a house move are of course hard for those with ASD and she is probably disturbed by all of that - a couple of lido trips sounds just fine.

You're doing fine.

I haven't taken mine out much this summer on big days out, we went to the beach one day, to my parents caravan, the arcades and that's about it!
Rest of the time we've spent at home or out on the DCs quad bike down the road or having their friends over.
Two disabled dc here too, it's so much harder with disabled dc cut yourself some slack.
Moving house is a HUGE adventure anyway. :)

My kids do this to me and it drives me mad 😂. I often plan a trip linked to their topic in half term like the Jorvik centre, a dinosaur park etc and they go back to school and tell their teacher that they watched tv or went to the park. I'm not doing it for points but I have a suspicion that they do it to annoy me 😁

There's another thread running in parallel about what a lot of manufactured rubbish Facebook posts are so first off I would take comfort from the fact that everyone accepts that what is posted on Facebook doesn't necessarily correlate with what is actually happening. Anyone who posts #makingmemories is probably trying to convince themself as much as anyone else. And there's nothing wrong with that but you need to keep in mind that it isn't necessarily a direct reflection of what the parent or the child is experiencing.

But also as @ComtesseDeSpair points out, the stuff children remember is often very different from the stuff parents want them to remember. I've just come back from a week doing an activity in the UK with my 12 year old DD which I enjoyed hugely, as did my DD, but the thing that left the biggest impression on her was the Starbucks frappucinos we had at the station on the way down. All fine and good but boy would I be pissed if I'd spent shedloads of money on this and this was all she remembered.

Someone spaffing £10k on a safari holiday won't necessarily help their kids make any more memories than someone taking their kids to a different park.

I avoid Facebook these days because for the second summer in a row autistic dc have barely been able to leave the house. On the three occasions I’ve taken them out this summer one has been unable to even get out of the car so last week instead of going bowling (which they used to love) I went in to the bowling alley and bought them hotdogs.

I feel pretty depressed that they don’t have any life (and neither do I) but the main thing is they’re happy at home and know they have a mum who loves them.

I feel like DS2 hasn't had the best summer so you aren't alone. And he had 2 weeks in Greece so I know logically he's done pretty well but I've also been busy doing things for all three so feel I could have done more for him in particular. FB doesn't help. But don't we always feel like we could / should do more if we haven't been driving ourselves like mad providing everything under the sun for DC?

We did redecorate his bedroom - which isn't wildly exciting but something he wanted to do and he's learned something from helping with that. I never did anything in the summer as a child so compared to that DC are living the high life! You've been a lovely caring mum in a difficult situation. That's what all DC really need, you haven't let her down. Give yourself a break.

I hate that phrase, so bizarre. Like you have to actively do it. Get off FB if you can, and try and appreciate what you do have. Children need a safe and loving home and parent, not endless day trips or holidays. Half the post on here are people moaning about their holidays!

I often ask my kids what their favourite memory was of summer holidays and it's more often than not the ones that cost the least amount and involved me being more in the moment with them. For example, we do lots of trips (in the UK) visiting beaches, day trips etc but their favourite day this summer was when we went to the local nature reserve and built a den. Kids value the simple things more than we realise.

You've made me feel a bit better thanks ! Lovely sunny morning here and dd11 has been up all night refusing to sleep and is now crashing round the house in a rage. I'd better avoid Facebook today!

I gave this to my spouse recently:

My sister took her daughter abroad for ten days during the summer holidays several years ago, but her favourite memory of the summer holidays was going to Blackpool and buying doughnuts.

It's fine honestly
This making memories stuff is just BS
Children take such different things from outings to what we think/hope they will. Our family classic was a trip to London Zoo and the highlight of the trip for my DC was the rhinoceros doing a poo and a wee and how awful it smelt. We laugh about it still.
Moving house is a big one, she won't forget that, it's a significant event for all of you.

Facebook is the root of all evil so stay off it and spend time living your life and not scrolling. That is making memories (do not need the # before it)

Memories aren't made.

This is spot on (and I am going to steal it quite blatantly for myself - it is excellent, @Iknowthis1 🤣).

You do things with your children/as a family. Some of which they will remember. Some of the things they remember go down into family fokelore. I must say that, in my experience, it is never those things that you want them to remember that are actually the big memories. For example, I took my DDs - at great hassle and expense - to see a kids’ West End show when they were little. They do not remember a thing about it, but both have a near perfect recollection of how DD2 had a strop and fell into the loo before it started. Similarly, the family anecdotes about me generally do not feature the times at which I considered myself to be at my most witty and charming, but generally consist of the times I face planted in Costa and called another driver a “fucking wanker” in a loose tounged moment. That sort of thing.

Facebook is fake. And staged. Don’t give it another thought.

….tongued even!

Mine have been back at school for 3 weeks nearly and I miss the holidays. I was still working but the lack of school run etc was fab. We chilled and just did very little. Also moved earlier in year so sorting house etc. little money really to do much but mine are 12/13 so outgrown little kids stuff and the outings they enjoy cost ££ so are less. My youngest is also asd/adhd so we need to plan etc. not much spontaneity in our house.

I never worry about ‘making memories’ (it’s an odd term it doesn’t make sense) because it’s the stuff you don’t plan they remember or the time we all got pizza and watched a movie or when I slipped in the kitchen on spilled ice cream and we all laughed out heads off rather than the £100 trip to the safari park etc

Indeed. Or not. I doubt I'll remember this moment - oh in an hour's time.

Given that all the mummies were kids once themselves and presumably realise that they don't remember everything from their childhoods I can't really understand where this "making memories" thing came from. You either remember things or you don't. And even if your parents take you on an expensive trip to Disneyland you still may not remember it.

We had a short 4 day holiday to the NE (exploring areas we want to move to, no proper holiday as we're saving to move), where we did one actual activity and had a few meals out. Mine are all teens, so it's fewer activities and more food these days! More expensive as they aren't as easily amused. Though some of our best times were evenings were playing monopoly!

DD has met up with her friends once and spent most of the rest of the summer holidays in her room/playing with cats/reading/playing on the xbox while DH and I were at work. She seems pretty happy.
DS2 broke his collerbone and had to miss his 2 week cadet camp, but he got his first girlfriend at the end of term and is totally smitten, so it's the best summer ever for him!
DS1 has started driving lessons, also has a girlfriend and a job. He gets out and about by bus and seems to be enjoying himself.

I still feel guilty (and I don't use Facebook these days, it makes me cross) and like they've had a crap summer, but we never did much in summers when I was a kid, I just roamed about the countryside with a neighbour or read books.

My kids have been on a foreign holiday this summer but they will invariably tell their teachers that their favourite memory was ‘playing on the PlayStation and getting McDonald’s’.

I rarely spend a lot of money on big days out because my boys are just as happy going on bike rides down to our local woods or park, and they love a walk down to the pub to get a coke and a bag of crisps and playing in the pub garden. One of their favourite bits this summer was going to watch their grandad play bowls in the rain and doing knee slides on the grass nearby 😂

Really, kids just want some exercise and your time. Mine are just as happy in the garden as they are going somewhere expensive so honestly don’t compare yourself. I find a lot of people spend far too much money during half terms! Mine have bankrupted me through snacks - I couldn’t afford multiple trips to the zoo!!

What I remember most about summer holidays as a child were the long stretches of free time, and that was blissful. Time to just be, and to be at home pottering about, is really important.

We live in an increasingly consumerist comparison-driven society which pushes us to buy and do and advertise our ‘correct’ behaviours online. Fuck that.

You've moved house - which is big. You’ve spent time with your DC. It’s all perfectly ok. It’s good OP. It really is.