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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't how long DP will be able to put up with me

74 replies

butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 19:56

Hi all I would be so grateful for any help. The situation is getting out of hand. Might be a long post but I really need advice.

I am a very very (very) indecisive person. Making decisions and choices is a painful and stressful thing for me, I get very distressed and it takes a long long time. (Decisions like panning a holiday, school for dc, names for dc etc)

But even worse than that is the way I deal with it. It really eases the pain and speeds up the process if I talk it out with someone. And no, I'm not talking about a normal adult conversation where I ask some advice and then go away to decide. It's hours, days of external agonising. I know it's not healthy, and I feel very helpless - I really can't make decisions of I don't consume hours and hours of a close person's time. It's really affecting my relationship with my Dsister and DP. My MIL has also commented. I'm on their side! I'm self aware enough to know my behaviour isn't healthy, and I cannot believe they still put up with it. I'm also scared of the example I'm setting for dc.

Does anyone have any any advice on how to make decisions? How to work though them independently?

I have tried journalling to decide. Not very successfully.

OP posts:
ZeroFucksGivenToday · 29/08/2023 20:01

Can you get a counsellor to try and unpick why? It might help someone impartial helping you get to the reasoning.

I do get it. I can be quite repetitive in my needing to organise and bullet point to everyone the exact plan. Counselling helped me realise it was due to a lack of control in my life growing up. It's hard, but I can now do it way less than I've ever done.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 29/08/2023 20:02

I'm the other way though and more impulsive. <eyes my car that I literally purchased on a whim and I'm still not sure I like it!).

Beckafett · 29/08/2023 20:03

This sounds hugely tough for you and not a new thing so hopefully your family and DH are supportive. As the previous person mentioned, would you be open to support why and how you get blocked?
is it an anxiety thing?

Original poster
butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:04

Hi @ZeroFucksGivenToday thanks for the response. I do actually have a therapist. I used to agonise at her, but 50 minutes was just not enough and I am trying to see her to work on other issues like my anxiety. It never really improved my ability to agonise at her. And I do want to be independent .

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Original poster
butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:05

@ZeroFucksGivenToday oh my goodness the car comment made me laugh. I'm sure that comes with its own challenges though

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continentallentil · 29/08/2023 20:07

I’d agree with PP that you should investigate counselling. Not long term psychotherapy, but you need to get to the nub of why you do this. There isn’t going to be a quick fix technique that sorts it, because it’s fulfilling a need, or it used to and has become a habit. I do think journaling can encouraging rumination in cases like these, so you might knock that on the head for now.

Original poster
butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:07

@Beckafett yes I probably should share what my therapist says. I'm very hung up on getting the right decision. I want it to be perfect and I always want the best of all the options and never the drawbacks. I get frozen and then can't communicate with myself over what I want. There's probably more things we've discussed but a little stressed rn so not processing all

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Original poster
butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:08

I'm literally trying to video myself now in between checking this thread to sort of replicate how it would be talking to a person 😂😂

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continentallentil · 29/08/2023 20:09

… ah I see you have one!

If your anxiety is really bad, it might be worth investigating medication alongside the therapy. It’s not something to do long term, but it might help unfreeze you to make some changes.

Are you happy your therapist is helping you make progress?

CissOff · 29/08/2023 20:09

I’m not sure what options represent what but I think YABU.

It sounds incredibly tedious and I have known people with similar traits in the past and it’s draining. Like decision paralysis on steroids.

I would be totally supportive if it was a life changing/threatening decision but choosing a holiday or moving jobs? I wouldn’t have the tolerance for it, sorry OP. It would bore the arse off me having to rehash conversations over and over.

What do you get from verbalising the problem? What do your family and DH say when you’re going over the same thing? Is it that they offer a helpful perspective or is it just a purge?

Vallmo47 · 29/08/2023 20:10

Are you on any medication for your anxiety Op? I’m indecisive but when I was suffering with depression and anxiety it went from “bit indecisive” to downright “cannot make a decision on anything EVER”. It’s possible to get help for this. 💐

Original poster
butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:15

@Vallmo47 @continentallentil im thinking about medication... I'm happy with my therapist, it's a long time with her. Recently not sure I'm progressing, I should discuss this with her tho before considering changes

@CissOff I'm fully with you! And you would be right! I think It's a mixture of purge, the ability to think better and articulate myself when I have a human facing me, and having a person respond. I also feel like because I can get emotionallu constipated then, I can ask(not all the time tho) "listening to me, what does it sound like I want". Rarely do this tjo

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Basildeleaf · 29/08/2023 20:23

This is analysis paralysis! Are you actually anxious? It may not be anxiety at all but an issue with poor executive functioning - in which case no amount of therapy will help. I recently had a spell of this - I'm neurodiverse.

CissOff · 29/08/2023 20:24

Have you considered setting yourself a timer and saying, ‘if you’re happy to, I’m going to talk about this for 30 mins and then you have to stop engaging with me’?

That way you’re able to verbalise what you need to, but instead of tying yourself up in knots for an undetermined amount of time, you’ll be more concise and hopefully get to a decision sooner. You’d need to get your family on side and I’d be happy to help if I knew you were at least trying to speed up your decision making. Set a timer and stick to it - go in with questions you feel you need a steer on, instead of just droning on and on and not getting anywhere?

Original poster
butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:27

@Basildeleaf oh my goodness this makes it sound like there's no options!
@CissOff I've tried that 😭 it doesn't change a thing. I feel so pathetic rn 🫣

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Intensiv14 · 29/08/2023 20:29

I’m probably the opposite of you, I go with gut feel a lot.
How would you feel if DH gave you a time limit of 5 mins to discuss and weigh up options then you had to decide. Would that help focus on an outcome?

CissOff · 29/08/2023 20:32

butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:27

@Basildeleaf oh my goodness this makes it sound like there's no options!
@CissOff I've tried that 😭 it doesn't change a thing. I feel so pathetic rn 🫣

What happened when you tried it?

Bunnyhair · 29/08/2023 20:34

My DH was like this. He had a full on nervous breakdown when we bought our house as he couldn’t be 100% sure it would have turned out to be exactly the right decision, in 75 years’ time when we’d be facing extreme weather / any number of economic disasters / the total collapse of civilisation as we know it, etc.

For him, indecisiveness and anxiety on this scale are a manifestation of OCD and ASD. Strong need for certainty and very polarised right/wrong, black/white thinking - so he has no mental concept of taking things one step at a time and seeing how you go and adjusting plans as circumstances change. For him in every situation there must exist one (and only one) objectively correct decision and he will regret it forever and possibly ruin everything for the rest of his life if he chooses wrong.

SSRIs and beta blockers helped him tremendously. Also, there are some decisions he just knows now that he can’t even engage with trying to make, as it will drive him to the brink of madness in his quest for total certainty, so we agree that I’ll make them for us and he has to just trust me and I will not entertain anything from him that has the emotional tone of panic or fretfulness.

It means I dole out a lot of tough love, and bear the brunt of making most of the major decisions, but it does work for us, and over time as my decisions haven’t turned out to be ruinous, he’s relaxed a bit. There are even some decisions he’s had a lot of input into, when relieved of the pressure to officially sign off on them / be the ‘decoder’.

I hope this helps - it’s an awful situation for everyone.

Nicole1111 · 29/08/2023 20:35

I think you need cognitive behavioural therapy to explore ways to manage your anxiety. You should have a local provision that you can self refer yourself to for support. Many of them offer online courses now

Original poster
butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:35

@Intensiv14
@CissOff

I just got nowhere and didn't resolve anything. If anything it panicked me

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FusionChefGeoff · 29/08/2023 20:36

This sounds like fear of failure.

Fear of getting the answer wrong and never ever allowing yourself to be anything less than perfect in every way.

You need to let go.

Play worst case scenario until you get to something that even you can see is ridiculous. This will force you to look the fear in the face and reveal the LIE.

Then you can step back and release the pressure that you've placed on the scenario.

Also, just work on accepting the consequences even if you DID make the wrong decision ie find the TRUTH

Eg.DC school choice:

Lie your brain has manufactured: If I mess this up this will ruin their lives, they will never talk to me again, DH will divorce me and they will turn into drug addicts and end up in prison.... (see how crazy that sounds?!)

Reality: if it's really horrendous, we can move them. Kids are resilient and cope very well with change (much better than adults do!) when they're little.

Original poster
butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:37

@Nicole1111 how would CBT help in my case?

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Moreorlessmentallystable · 29/08/2023 20:38

I am very similar, for me what it helps is thinking what's the worse that can happen and then what are the chances of it happening. If it helps write it down and you'll be more at ease when you think logically and have the evidence that is not a "life or death scenario"

Original poster
butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:39

@FusionChefGeoff that sounds very reassuring. Right now I'm picturing the worst case scenario and it seems reasonable, but it I take it further it does turn ridiculous. And even if my thought is 'oh that worst case could happen!', blending your first suggestion with your second means I could always intervene before that ridiculous horror came on to me. Thank you!

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Original poster
butterflyflutterby123 · 29/08/2023 20:41

@Bunnyhair thank you for sharing .it makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. And I have so much respect for you being on the receiving end of this situation. 🎉🎉🎉

I've always felt like 'letting them decide ' is me making the decision as if I know what they will decide, it's me agreeing to it! Maybe I should see it more as they probably can see the big picture without the stains of anxiety

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