Don't how long DP will be able to put up with me

[butterflyflutterby123]

Hi all I would be so grateful for any help. The situation is getting out of hand. Might be a long post but I really need advice.

I am a very very (very) indecisive person. Making decisions and choices is a painful and stressful thing for me, I get very distressed and it takes a long long time. (Decisions like panning a holiday, school for dc, names for dc etc)

But even worse than that is the way I deal with it. It really eases the pain and speeds up the process if I talk it out with someone. And no, I'm not talking about a normal adult conversation where I ask some advice and then go away to decide. It's hours, days of external agonising. I know it's not healthy, and I feel very helpless - I really can't make decisions of I don't consume hours and hours of a close person's time. It's really affecting my relationship with my Dsister and DP. My MIL has also commented. I'm on their side! I'm self aware enough to know my behaviour isn't healthy, and I cannot believe they still put up with it. I'm also scared of the example I'm setting for dc.

Does anyone have any any advice on how to make decisions? How to work though them independently?

I have tried journalling to decide. Not very successfully.

I also wondered about treating this as a manifestation of anxiety and using a CBT based approach.

There are some really good (free) resources on this website:
www.getselfhelp.co.uk/self-help/

You can have a look and work through them in your own time. Discuss them with your therapist.

Thank you @VerityUnreasonble deffo gonna take a look

I’m exactly the same with making decisions. I annoy myself! Once I’ve finally made a decision I then over think it and talk myself out of it. The relief I feel if my husband or someone else makes the decision for me is immemse!

@butterflyflutterby123 Yes, things like holiday might be irreversible, but a crap holiday isn’t the end of the world, is it? You just decide not to go there again/do that activity again.

All I’m trying to say is try to keep things in perspective and focus on what’s really important to you in life. You sound like you’re in a good relationship, for example, which is great, and proves that you can make good decisions.

At 48, I’ve made several daft decisions over the decades, but I’ve also made some really good ones. No one gets it right all the time. 💐

I have OCD and ADHD and meds have helped a lot.

CBT and DBT will teach you new ways of coping.

You might want to try flipping a coin method. Pick some small decisions and flip a coin and do the winning choice.

Practice stop thought method for when you want to ruminate with others. it go like, anxious thought, notice it and tell it, thank you thought but I'm a little busy now so I'll get back to you later.

The repeat each time a new ruminating thought comes, and over time thoughts lessons as you've retrained your brain.

This. I have ADHD and Autism and have a real problem with analysis paralysis.

Honestly the best solution I found for myself is to talk to myself, I don’t think it’s very healthy but I do the endless circular conversations with myself where I play both parts 😅 it really does help me and keeps my family sane.

Agree with others about therapy but can I ask how you finally decide you can make the actual decision because ultimately you do make it?

While you are learning and assimilating all these new techniques and ideas, you could order some organic ashwagandha from Amazon which is amazing for toning down anxiety and generally giving you a perk up. It’s contraindicated for several auto immune disorders, so you might need to check .

I agree that therapy to pin down the whys of this behaviour would be helpful, and possibly medication. I used to suffer a bit from this (much milder though, I think) and a couple of bits of helpful advice I received are to focus consciously on learning to make small unimportant decisions quickly - what to wear and so forth. It becomes positive reinforcement, as you realize you made choices and they worked out. You probably ARE making dozens of small decisions daily without even realizing it - once you do reflect on them you understand that you can.

I personally find people who dither over menus very tiresome. Best advice I’ve heard about that is: start at the top and move down. As soon as you come to something you like the sound of, stop and choose it. You will have a meal you like, minus all the agony of flopping about between two or more options. It doesn’t matter if someone else chooses something else that in retrospect looks better than yours - you’ve had something you like. And it doesn’t matter if yours turns out to be awful - it’s just one meal of your life. That’s just one example of how to train the decision-making muscle.

A slightly harsh truth way of looking at it is that the absolute worst decision you could make is wasting your life and driving away relationships by relentlessly agonising at people.
Compared to that, all other choices you've mentioned are either not very important or easily changeable if they turn out to not be the ideal choice.

It’s counterintuitive but I’ve found that leaning into the negative can be calming when I’m not sure what to do. For me it’s more believable at a deep level than trying to tell myself it will be alright.

There’s a saying (I’m about to mangle) about choosing two paths - if you go down one the wolves will eat you, and if you go down the other you’ll be eaten by wolves.

Thinking like that helps me breakthrough the angst to the “aw fuck it” headspace.

This isn’t directly related, but might be a helpful technique as I know you mentioned journaling. There’s a fantastic journaling technique called journalspeak, created by Nicole Sachs. People mainly use it as a way to help get out of chronic pain and conditions (myself included), but it’s a really helpful technique for just working through emotions in general and getting to know yourself and your motivations and patterns of behaviour better.

I can’t explain it all here but she has a great podcast “the cure for chronic pain”. The first few episodes explain the technique but throughout the series she has so many episodes filled with wisdom about life and out patterns etc, so you might find some helpful things to ponder there.

Does that really help @Cardboardcup ? Because I'm always aware I'm deciding to go with their decision whicj in essence is choosing it

Thank you @HamBone . You've been a real help X

@RantyAnty those techniques sound really sensible I'll give them a go

@Lachimolala , I sympathize. I've tried that too 😅😅

@TGGreen , I guess I just ruminate out lol d enough until one feels right. Or until I can't push it anymore because the decision has got to be made physically (I..e. school places) and then I just pick what seems best then and feel a solid chunk of misery in my stomach

Ooh thanks @MaryJanesonabreak

@Okaygoahead that is such an interesting technique! Over the years I have thankfully gotten better at the small decisions and actually quite fine with menus! Never thought of this this.
Shopping tho 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄. Terrifies me.

@TyrannasaurusJex .... No fault in your argument there. Thanks.

Very philosophical @Muphryscrabsticks . I will try this if the positive ones dont work 😅 it's nice to know there are alternatives

Thanks @misskatamari !Googling now

At this is I have so much sympathy for you. It sounds so painful. I hope things are easier for you now 💓

@thishasnotmyweek the above post was meant to tag you whoops

I haven't read the full thread but I'd recommend (for at least a light-hearted look at this) to watch the TV show "The Good Place". One of the main characters suffers from this exact issue and throughout the show they investigate the causes and how he improves it over time. I don't think it will revolutionise your life but at least it demonstrates that this issue is not unprecedented. Plus, they do explore some of the themes to combat it.

@2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps . Oh I watched some.of that! Had to think of who you were talking about for a sec but yes yes. I should pick it up again.

Have you tried writing down pros and cons for your decisions then talking to someone with that as reference?
It helps to get all those swirling what-ifs out of your head and onto paper and gives the decision making some structure.

You should also recognise that you can make decisions. You're not always indecisive. You make decisions all day long even things like what to have for breakfast, what to wear, what to watch.
If someone asks 'shall we meet for lunch?'
Could you make a suggestion about where to meet or do you always leave it to the other party?

Something I repeat to myself if I’m stuck on making a decision is:

’Doing nothing is also a decision’

That helps me because it reminds me that e.g if I don’t pick a holiday destination I am making a decision not to go on holiday rather than just not choosing where I want to go. Sometimes doing nothing is the right decision e.g deciding to stay in a job rather than apply for a new one but recognising that it is one is important so you don’t just passively let life pass you by.

Rather than just look at the worst thing that can happen if you make a decision. Also consider, what are the consequences if you don’t? Reframe it in your head so that doing nothing no longer feels like the safe and comfortable option

This thread is so triggering, my dh does this with every decision and it's my one real issue with our relationship. But I am a decisive person, I feel much better once a decision is made and I can move on. Dh on the other hand has been known to ruin a 2 week holiday with friends bc of non stop agonising over a new job that he didn't even end up taking. That was 9 years ago and we still talk about how terrible it was!!

Please seek help. Take control of what you can control, and do the hard things to make a change.

Have you ever read 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway'?

That book really helped me re-evaluate how I looked at fear, especially the fear of making a 'wrong' decision.

Oh no, not at all - sorry if it sounded like that. For me - just understanding my own issue allowed me firstly to explain to others why I seemed so indecisive and secondly I was able to understand the root problem and find strategies.

All I meant was that therapy for anxiety won't help if anxiety isn't the issue. My son is neurodiverse too and he has coaching targeted at the executive functioning issues he has - that really helps.

I'd recommend some research and seeing what chimes. If you can find the root cause you're half way to a resolution.

Have you considered you might have an ADHD type of brain and what you describe is chronic procrastination. Or difficulty with Executive Function (aka Doing things I need to do)

Look up a few youtube videos. I think you will find you are not alone in this.
https://www.youtube.com/c/howtoadhd

@TerrorOwls yes it does help move things a long a bit. That comment about you do make decisions is something to hold onto definitely. For some reason I normally end up deciding what the plans are. Things that are on day or less timespan don't phase me as much.

@Trisolaris my sister would totally agree with you! Although sometimes I feel like not choosing is still not choosing but ultimately you're right

@SquigglyGum I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how hard it must be to be on the receiving end of this. I can see how much I drain my dp and dsis and how much it takes out of them and it kills me, which is why I really need to stop. I hope your dh is doing better. How does he handle this? And how do you??

@bucketsofdaylight thanks I will take a look. Sounds interesting.
@Basildeleaf ohh I understand now it's about the right techniques for the right issue. Thanks for explaining 💐💐

@Seaweed42 thanks! I will check out. Not sure I do have ADHD tho, don't have many symptoms