Don't how long DP will be able to put up with me

[butterflyflutterby123]

Hi all I would be so grateful for any help. The situation is getting out of hand. Might be a long post but I really need advice.

I am a very very (very) indecisive person. Making decisions and choices is a painful and stressful thing for me, I get very distressed and it takes a long long time. (Decisions like panning a holiday, school for dc, names for dc etc)

But even worse than that is the way I deal with it. It really eases the pain and speeds up the process if I talk it out with someone. And no, I'm not talking about a normal adult conversation where I ask some advice and then go away to decide. It's hours, days of external agonising. I know it's not healthy, and I feel very helpless - I really can't make decisions of I don't consume hours and hours of a close person's time. It's really affecting my relationship with my Dsister and DP. My MIL has also commented. I'm on their side! I'm self aware enough to know my behaviour isn't healthy, and I cannot believe they still put up with it. I'm also scared of the example I'm setting for dc.

Does anyone have any any advice on how to make decisions? How to work though them independently?

I have tried journalling to decide. Not very successfully.

I would still try and set a time limit, panic will help as it will focus you on getting to a decision.
I see @CissOff has been more generous with 30 mins, as opposed to my 5 mins! But the principle is the same.
we don’t live in a perfect world and you’ll never get to a perfect answer, so just do your best, you can adjust your plans to suit.
It must come to a stage when discussing more and more is simply unproductive!

@Moreorlessmentallystable that makes much sense

@Intensiv14 you could well be right. Maybe instead of writing this off with a:" this was too painful, let's not do this again" I should keep trying and maybe it will get easier

I used to be like this it was awful. Like you I knew I was doing it and new it was impacting my relationships but I couldn't stop.

I was having therapy for anxiety, not just related to this, and I brought it up. I was chronically indecisive partly due to perfectionism (having to make the RIGHT choice) and I also had OCD so could not stop going through the options over and over again. I was always thinking about 'what ifs' and it paralysed me.

CBT helped with the OCD a lot, the perfectionism was a bit more difficult but I got there in the end. I still like to weigh up a decision but I don't go over and over it, and I don't see a wrong choice as a catastrophe coming for me.

Remind yourself that you can only make a decision with the information you have at the time and thus it will be the right decision at that time! Things might change but the future you will cross that bridge when you come to it.

I have had this problem too, I once literally spent 3 days agonizing over a decision that wasn't even very important and still couldn't decide.

It's paralysing so I totally sympathise.

After the three day incident I decided I needed help so talked to a therapist about it, and we worked out it started after I went through a pretty traumatic (for me) breakup. In my mind, I'd attributed the breakup to a decision I made, and this left me with a fear of making decisions in case they triggered another traumatic event.

The therapist gave me lots of coping methods, like setting a time limit, thinking of the worst-case scenario (all the stuff that's been mentioned here) but they didn't really help me when I was in the thick of it.

Over time it's got better but I still struggle sometimes. I hope you find something that works for you

I don't really have an answer for you but it does sound very wearing for you and those around you. I try to tell myself that often there isn't only one right answer - eg holidays lots of options, lots of great holidays.

@butterflyflutterby123 I think maybe framing the issue as anxiety rather than indecisiveness might help. For my DH all the therapy / CBT in the world was not able to shift his rumination until he had meds to bring it down to a manageable level.

It’s very hard to change how you think and behave when your nervous system is escalated all the time, which it sounds like yours might be. (My DH said he had no idea how anxious he’d been all his life until he was on Citalopram, and suddenly understood that other people were able to live their lives without snagging on everything all the time & obsessively going over and over things in their minds).

My therapist also framed it as a manifestation of anxiety too rather than indecisiveness.

And I suffer from other types of anxiety too, so yeah I'd agree it's a symptom of anxiety.

I have been thinking about trying medication because I really would like to live my life without obsessive thinking. It makes me so tired sometimes.

@Bunnyhair your post has helped me cement the fact that medication might be the route for me.

I kind of get this. But I do the worst of both.

3 weeks to choose a comb.
Agonise over simple decision- do I message x or not?
Can never decide what to get dc for their birthdays... until it's almost too late.
Plan to the nth degree.

But then...
Went shopping for cat food and booked the family holiday.
Went for my usual haircut and got it all cut off.
Changed my perfectly stable, OK job on a whim.

JUST DO IT. I have zero tolerance for any people who can't make a decision. I would not sit still for hours waiting for you to make some type of decision. That would be torture for me. If you make a decision and it turns out to be the wrong one or not exactly what you want just undo it and try again.

It sounds like you wanted to use the therapy as another outlet to agonise over things. What you actually need to be doing in therapy is unpicking what's behind all this, challenge the behaviours and build up strategies on how to face it.

What about this framing…

no decision is ever wrong. Each choice you make either works out well - great!

or it doesn’t - disappointing but ok. If it doesn’t work out well you can learn from that, adjust and change things.

and then the next decision either works out well OR is a learning opportunity to make the next one better.

seeing the ‘wrong’ decisions and opportunities to learn diffuses the fear of failure

I can get like this - although not to the same extent. Usually it's a symptom of something else I'm anxious about that I can't face, so I obsess over something manageable instead. Is there something else in your life that is the root cause of this kind of behavior?

I struggle with this sometimes and I've tried to consider the following which may or not help:
-what is the impact of making a wrong decision? It is only sensible to take time over big decisions
-perhaps there are a couple of equally good options rather than a right and wrong
-what can be known about the choices -if there is a very limited amount we can know, once you have learnt all you can there's not point obsessing further
-I obsessed about school choices, especially the order of my first and second choice for weeks and in the end we quite literally tossed a coin. In the end we got the second choice and the first year has gone quite well.
-remind myself everything is a compromise. I won't get a perfect car or a perfect house on my budget. As long as I haven't made a flagrantly bad decision that's not too bad.

@HousePlantNeglect thank you so much for sharing. Yes, I also believe in NOT using hindsight. Make the best decision you can at the time, than you can't criticise yourselfn
Bunny hair, wow I'm so happy the medication helped. I should explore this.
Thishqs not.my week exploring medication does sound great

@Thegiantofillinois - how???

@OhcantthInkofaname - definitely hear you, but not all decisions are undoable 😂

@SquishyGloopyBum you're right. I definitely should reopen this with her

@Cloudburstings that is an amazing view. It just means that each decision I make can only be bettered informed, so I always gain something!

@lavenderandlemon just general anxiety I guess 😅😅

@Greymalkin12 all fantastic points. I'm going to go through these one by one and apply x

I struggle with this alot and I think it's down to fearing making the wrong decision and feeling shit about it. It's fear of failure.

With small decisions, I try to think to myself what's the worst case scenario and how easy that will be to deal with. 9 times out of 10 it won't be a big deal if it ended up being the wrong decision.

Big life decisions though are obviously harder, and naturally we might ask advice from others or take longer, but even then if the decision is that hard it's probably because each 'choice" has it's pros so it's almost a bit of a win-win.

One house has a big garden. The other has a shorter school run.
Big garden means lots more space for kids to play so don't have to trek to local park as often.
Shorter school run slightly less stressful twice a day.
Can't decide? Well your life will be improved equally either way and one is no more attractive than the other, so it almost doesn't matter...

I dunno, just a helpful way to look at it sometimes.

It would help you to work through decisions that you find overwhelming by breaking down what’s going on for you, and helping you to recognise thoughts and feelings that impact your decision making. Then it can help you to form healthier thought patterns. For instance if I’m anxious I use a cbt template asking what’s the worst that can happen, what’s the best that can happen and what’s most likely to happen. This identifies that the most likely outcome is a good or fine one. I then explore if the worst happens what can I do about it, which identifies that actually even in that situation I’m perfectly capable of coping with it.

@Nicole1111 that is very helpful thank you
@PeggyPiglet your absolutely right and thus so much more positive. I will need to avoid the trap of simply comparing both negatives. Altho a little bit of that to see which one you can put up is prob healthy

I have a friend who does this and it did make me end up feeling quite used - especially once I realised that my patient listening and careful consideration of whatever the issue of the day was was completely interchangeable with anyone else who would pick up the phone that day, and that she would spend the whole evening having the same conversation with a series of friends and relatives.

When I read about OCD, and specifically ‘reassurance seeking’ a lot clicked into place, so I wonder if this might be helpful for you to look at too? It does sound almost like an addiction to having someone give their advice, and from what I understand each time you do that you are reinforcing the underlying problem because there is relief - but it’s temporary so you have to do it again, and again. Maybe a different type of therapy would help if your current therapist is not helping you get to the root of the behaviour?

You remind me a bit of DH. He is always looking for the best decision and spends too much time second guessing the decision once made (he has other traits that make me suspect ASD). We all refuse to engage in the second guessing now.

I have to make big decisions in work sometimes based on partial information or in changing situations- I have to accept (sometimes uncomfortably) that I am making the best decision I can based on available information and if things change I can review my decision.

I suspect that you want to make a decision that takes away your anxious feelings about having to take that decision and I think DH is the same. The truth is probably that you have the anxious feelings anyway and the decision point is just a new focus. If you weren’t worrying about the decision being right you’d be worrying about something else. Can you find a way to accept that making decisions is an imperfect action and that there is no perfect decision that will eliminate your anxiety because your anxiety exists outside of the decision process.

I agree with PP’s saying that your therapist should be suggesting strategies to cope with this, rather than just listening to you for 50 minutes. Both of my teenagers have had counselling for anxiety-DS’s counselor was great at listening and then suggesting coping strategies; DD’s first counselor just listened and we ended up finding her a new one who actually helped her manage the anxiety.

It's very hard to make decisions these days because we have so much outside influence and also too many choices.
In saying that it sounds like anxiety and the fear of failure.
Remember that everybody messes up sometimes we just don't hear about it much.
People only tell you if their successes.
I would definitely look into CBT and see if you can reprogram your brain to not be so perfect and allow your self some grace.

I definitely agree with visualizing the “worst case scenario” when making a decision. You change jobs and realize that it was a mistake- you find a new job; you start a course of study and it’s not a good fit-you change courses, etc.

Most decisions can be revised if they don’t turn out to be the best fit-it may take time, but it’s usually doable.

Think about it as two good options, rather than one right and one wrong. You might also look up black and white thinking.

The reality is both choices are usually good/fine. There isn’t a secret bad one that it’s your job to avoid. It’s just weighing up preferences.

If you can’t decide, then they’re obviously both pretty equal- toss a coin even. Anything’s better than wearing down your family. Right now, that’s the choice you’re making and you’re making it every time.

Omg @BatildaB that OCD part and temporary relief rings so true! It is definitely an addiction, so I can't do it on my own. Personally I only do this with a few close people and they give me different points of view that I value, but I will normally only go to one or two l, mainly dp and dsis.

I think you're right @ChazsBrilliantAttitude - my brain will find things to be anxious about. I should definitely remind myself of that when I think a decision is the end of the world.

Thanks @HamBone . I did once have a pretty useless counselor who listened and enabled me obsessively asking questions, but my current one is very helpful. I find some decisions are irreversible (like booking a holiday) but I should keep in perspective that that isn't a life changing one. Stuff like schools can be changed but that comes with so much sacrifice! Isn't it so much easier to make the right decision once??

Thank you @MrsMorrisey . There definitely is too much choice and it is so overwhelming. everything from shampoos and food to destinations and event choice s....

You're right @thecatinthetwat . I do tend to black and white. And that is the only co stant choice I'm making 😞😞

I'm going to sit down and try implement these. Will update. Sorry can't detail the decision as v outing. This is not just for me to become more independent; I hate seeing what I do to my dp and ds. It's unfair and so so hard on them. I feel really guilty and hate what I'm doing to them. Something needs to change!