To not want to buy FIL a birthday gift?

sugaraddict02 · 2023-08-29T12:37:55+00:00

So it’s my FIL’s birthday next month and he will be turning 88. I have made it clear to my husband that I will not be buying him a birthday gift/ card or contributing towards / attending FIL’s birthday dinner. It may sound petty but on my birthday earlier on in the year FIL never got me a birthday card/ present. I dont see the point in wasting money on a birthday present for someone I am not particularly close too just to keep DH happy.

Nanny0gg · 29/08/2023 13:39

Why isn’t your husband organising a joint present from both of you?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/08/2023 13:40

Do you have separate funds? Why would you organise a gift for FIL anyways if dh is around to do it?

Cyllie33 · 29/08/2023 13:41

Do you normally get him a separate gift? Can’t DH just stick your name on the present and card so it’s from you you both/the family?

TidyDancer · 29/08/2023 13:41

Is it a one off that he forgot? What's he like generally? It does sound like an overreaction to go as far as refusing to go to his birthday dinner but I'm assuming there's background to this.

Brefugee · 29/08/2023 13:43

he's 88 - has he recently lost his wife and she did all the wife-work?

Just tell DH to get on it and then get on with your life. Why don't you want to go to his dinner though?

Original poster

sugaraddict02 · 29/08/2023 13:52

No FIL still has his wife, they are both very active and fit for their age.

There was an issue on Father’s Day when I didnt buy FIL a Father’s Day gift/ card which caused tension.

I already have my own father and FIL defo does not treat me like a daughter.

We have had issues in the past with FIL’s nasty temper and I keep my distance.

As I dont particularly like FIL I dont think it would be appropriate to attend a birthday meal for him.

OP posts:

Viewfrommyhouse · 29/08/2023 13:54

sugaraddict02 · 29/08/2023 13:52

No FIL still has his wife, they are both very active and fit for their age.

There was an issue on Father’s Day when I didnt buy FIL a Father’s Day gift/ card which caused tension.

I already have my own father and FIL defo does not treat me like a daughter.

We have had issues in the past with FIL’s nasty temper and I keep my distance.

As I dont particularly like FIL I dont think it would be appropriate to attend a birthday meal for him.

Why did you get into trouble for not getting him a fathers day card? Where is your DH in all this?

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 29/08/2023 13:58

Bit confused by this, surely your DH would sort out the gift from both of you? It's petty to not go to your 88 year old FILs birthday dinner though unless there's a backstory as to why you don't like him.

Original poster

sugaraddict02 · 29/08/2023 14:00

Viewfrommyhouse · 29/08/2023 13:54

Why did you get into trouble for not getting him a fathers day card? Where is your DH in all this?

Show quote history

DH was saying “well I would of got him
something for Father’s Day”.

Bearing in mind DH never buys anything for my own parents.

I feel DH is scared to speak up and tell them whats what.

OP posts:

Original poster

sugaraddict02 · 29/08/2023 14:04

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 29/08/2023 13:58

Bit confused by this, surely your DH would sort out the gift from both of you? It's petty to not go to your 88 year old FILs birthday dinner though unless there's a backstory as to why you don't like him.

Edited

We used to get on until he exploded at me during lockdown for wrongly accusing me of asking MIL to carry some rubbish down which resulted in MIL doing her back in.

FIL called me lazy and told DH he was better of being alone, all this was completely unprovoked and he made me cry.

During this I had a very sick relative and I was doing all my inlaws chores and received no emotional support from my inlaws hence why now I keep my distance from FIL.

OP posts:

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 29/08/2023 14:12

In that case YANBU. I wouldn't bother either

DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2023 14:14

He doesn't sound very nice, but I'm not very clear about the Fathers Day thing. Dh said he would have got him a card... does that mean he thought you were going to get a joint one so he didn't bother, or did he mean that in your shoes, he would have got his FiL a separate card & present?
I'd have thought he'd just add your name onto the card that he was buying, most couples wouldn't send a card from each of them. If he thinks you should send a separate one, that's quite unusual, and why would you? He's not your father.
And the same applies for birthdays, surely he would just add your name on to whatever he buys?
As for FiL not getting anything for your birthday, that's old men for you. Sometimes their wife enables them, or sometimes they just don't do birthdays ( for other people). Sexist? Yes. Did MiL get something for you?
As for the upcoming birthday, let DH deal with it. If you don't want to go to the party, don't go, but be aware that they will read all sorts of insults into that decision. Is it worth causing an issue? Will it upset DH, and do you care about that?

Chowtime · 29/08/2023 14:18

We used to get on until he exploded at me during lockdown for wrongly accusing me of asking MIL to carry some rubbish down which resulted in MIL doing her back in.

FIL called me lazy and told DH he was better of being alone, all this was completely unprovoked and he made me cry.

During this I had a very sick relative and I was doing all my inlaws chores and received no emotional support from my inlaws hence why now I keep my distance from FIL.

Ah. In that case - fuck him. Let your DH get on with it and do whatever he wants to do.

pikkumyy77 · 29/08/2023 14:22

I think you are not unreasonable at all. Just tell DH you are done. He handles everything with his father. If you are so awful they shouldn’t want anything from you anyway.

Original poster

sugaraddict02 · 29/08/2023 14:23

DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2023 14:14

He doesn't sound very nice, but I'm not very clear about the Fathers Day thing. Dh said he would have got him a card... does that mean he thought you were going to get a joint one so he didn't bother, or did he mean that in your shoes, he would have got his FiL a separate card & present?
I'd have thought he'd just add your name onto the card that he was buying, most couples wouldn't send a card from each of them. If he thinks you should send a separate one, that's quite unusual, and why would you? He's not your father.
And the same applies for birthdays, surely he would just add your name on to whatever he buys?
As for FiL not getting anything for your birthday, that's old men for you. Sometimes their wife enables them, or sometimes they just don't do birthdays ( for other people). Sexist? Yes. Did MiL get something for you?
As for the upcoming birthday, let DH deal with it. If you don't want to go to the party, don't go, but be aware that they will read all sorts of insults into that decision. Is it worth causing an issue? Will it upset DH, and do you care about that?

In the family we always buy separate presents for the recipient.

MIL did get me a birthday present which was from her only.
Usually FIL would get me a separate gift.

DH got FIL a Father’s Day gift and card was signed only from him.

DH was expecting me to get FIL something and said “ Well I would of got him something” meaning I should of got him a separate gift.

But again he is not my father and I defo dont see him in a fatherly role.

In the past DH has forced me to go to these type of things and it really has been for his benefit.

But I am at the point where I need to do what is best for me and stop being a people pleaser.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 29/08/2023 14:25

I read your updates. In that case I'd ask husband to be in charge of his family's birthday/Xmas gifts. This is what I do too. I do my side and he does his. This changed when his side stopped sending me birthday cards, so I left it to husband to deal with. Don't see why I should be in charge of all birthdays because I have a vagina.

EmilyDickinson · 29/08/2023 14:28

I’m very confused. In our house my DH sorts out cards and gifts for his side of the family and I do mine. All cards and gifts are signed as being from both of us plus our children. It is DH’s responsibility to sort out gifts for his father from both of you. I wouldn’t be bothered whether I got a gift or not from my FIL to be honest, though I’m also curious as to whether that means you didn’t get one just from him or you didn’t get a joint gift from him and MIL. If things are tense between you right now then skip the dinner but give some kind of excuse (illness, prior commitment) to try and ensure that you don’t offend them unnecessarily

Lilolilibet · 29/08/2023 14:33

Everyone's expectations sound too high. Your DH should buy a gift nominally from you both on Christmas. Your mil can buy something from both of them. You shouldn't be involved in Father's Day for him because he's not your father.

Brefugee · 29/08/2023 14:37

sugaraddict02 · 29/08/2023 13:52

No FIL still has his wife, they are both very active and fit for their age.

There was an issue on Father’s Day when I didnt buy FIL a Father’s Day gift/ card which caused tension.

I already have my own father and FIL defo does not treat me like a daughter.

We have had issues in the past with FIL’s nasty temper and I keep my distance.

As I dont particularly like FIL I dont think it would be appropriate to attend a birthday meal for him.

fair enough! just keep saying to your DH "you do your side of the family, i'll do mine" and just that.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/08/2023 14:38

You're not being unreasonable.

You need to tell your DH that you're not responsible for any injury caused to MiL. To have this being held over you is awful.

I'd be making very clear to my DH, that any gifts/cards etc. for his side of the family were now 100% up to him to sort out. He can decide whether these will be from both of you or just him going forwards.

I'd also be making it very clear to FiL & MiL that any care they require going forwards would be entirely at the whim of their son, seeing as how they were so generous when you needed emotional support and you were carrying out chores for them.

Somanycats · 29/08/2023 14:39

Honestly, you sound like you hate your dh and fil is collateral damage. You should probably divorce DH.

Original poster

sugaraddict02 · 29/08/2023 14:39

EmilyDickinson · 29/08/2023 14:28

I’m very confused. In our house my DH sorts out cards and gifts for his side of the family and I do mine. All cards and gifts are signed as being from both of us plus our children. It is DH’s responsibility to sort out gifts for his father from both of you. I wouldn’t be bothered whether I got a gift or not from my FIL to be honest, though I’m also curious as to whether that means you didn’t get one just from him or you didn’t get a joint gift from him and MIL. If things are tense between you right now then skip the dinner but give some kind of excuse (illness, prior commitment) to try and ensure that you don’t offend them unnecessarily

Yeah in the family we just buy presents separately.

My birthday present from MIL was not a joint present with FIL it was signed just from her.

I am expected to buy birthday/ Xmas presents for DH’s family.

I have told DH that from now I wont be buying his family birthday/ Christmas presents as it costs me a lot of money to buy presents for his family as well as my own family.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 29/08/2023 14:41

Somanycats · 29/08/2023 14:39

Honestly, you sound like you hate your dh and fil is collateral damage. You should probably divorce DH.

nope the FIL is a knob.
The whole 2 presents thing is weird - but if your DH hadn't got OPs father something for father's day, why should she get something for his father? it's odd.

Just tell your DH that from now on he is responsible for all his side of the family, and to butt out if you say you're not going to the dinner (I'd go though, sounds like you and your MIL get on ok?)

deveronvalley · 29/08/2023 14:45

It's all really complicated. You all buying each other separate gifts and cards I mean. I think that's quite unusual!

Mummyof32023 · 30/08/2023 07:30

Wow have you heard two wrongs don't make a right? You've just brought yourself down to his level and this feels like revenge. It's your in laws and your husbands dad at the end of the day.