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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to buy FIL a birthday gift?

60 replies

sugaraddict02 · 29/08/2023 13:37

So it’s my FIL’s birthday next month and he will be turning 88.

I have made it clear to my husband that I will not be buying him a birthday gift/ card or contributing towards / attending FIL’s birthday dinner.

It may sound petty but on my birthday earlier on in the year FIL never got me a birthday card/ present.

I dont see the point in wasting money on a birthday present for someone I am not particularly close too just to keep DH happy.

OP posts:
Inertia · 30/08/2023 07:48

Time to knock the separate presents on the head. Surely each couple/ family can start buying a joint present? And why do you have to buy for your in-laws but your H doesn’t buy individual gifts for your family?

Anyway, since FIL has very pointedly not bought for you and has been nasty, I wouldn’t buy separately for him .

WandaWonder · 30/08/2023 07:54

For not wanting to do something you are putting a hell of a lot of thought into it

larlypops · 30/08/2023 07:59

My nan is 92, sometimes we get a card, sometimes a letter and money and sometimes nothing.
I know I’m loved and appreciated either way.
Ive always done a joint gift so can’t help with that but seems a bit odd not doing it from the household

Lengokengo · 30/08/2023 07:59

We also do separate presents. There is one of my in laws that I don’t particularly like ( I don’t dislike either, it’s more complete indifference). He doesn’t buy me presents and his wife always gives me something home made (ie costs very little) but extravagantly wrapped. This couple are praised by older generation as being so lovely and generous ( which they are not, but are golden child). If I didn’t get either of them an individual present, it would feed into the narrative of me being stingy (which I am not, but I am scapegoat.)

it used to wind me up enormously until I developed the game of giving them both as cheap or regifted a present as possible, no more than 3 pounds each and bonus marks if they will dislike it/ get no use for it. DH and I get much enjoyment doing this. It also makes receiving crap gifts a joy, as I can then regift. It’s simple fun and takes back control.

larlypops · 30/08/2023 08:01

Now I’ve read it all I wouldn’t bother

AliceOlive · 30/08/2023 08:08

The man sounds abusive. Not sure why he would expect a card or acknowledgment on his birthday from you after saying such terrible things.

MeridaBrave · 30/08/2023 08:28

Just don’t overthink. Leave to your DH to sort out and sign from you both. I have a perfectly good relationship with MIL but DH still signs card and gets present.

abs12 · 30/08/2023 08:31

This is so petty. That's nothing compared what I've seen. Be the better person, put your big girl pants on, get him a present, and go to dinner. Do it for DH, if not yourself.

honeyandfizz · 30/08/2023 08:36

Somanycats · 29/08/2023 14:39

Honestly, you sound like you hate your dh and fil is collateral damage. You should probably divorce DH.

Bit of a leap there!!

All sounds like a lot of hard work in the family, what is wrong with joint presents? Stop going along with this nonsense.

Lelliekellie · 30/08/2023 08:54

As a general rule my DH & I sort our own families out. So he buys his for bdays, christmas and occasions. And I buy for mine. Works well x

cameldigits · 30/08/2023 10:16

It's up to your husband but adults buying gifts for each other is a silly waste of stuff IMO

Just a card is sufficient and a visit but that's not your responsibility

cameldigits · 30/08/2023 10:21

Christ! What a faff... all the individual present giving. Totally unnecessary

Especially the Fathers Day thing. Why on earth would you buy FIL a card for FD? That's the role of his off spring. Not your

Walker1178 · 30/08/2023 10:28

My first thought was that you shouldn’t give to receive and you were being petty but looking further down the chain it appears to be just a tiny part of a bigger issue.

I wouldn’t buy a gift or attend a party for someone that I genuinely don’t like or get along with so no I don’t think you are being unreasonable

Star0Fire · 30/08/2023 10:29

Never heard of couples buying separate presents like that before, seems madness to me, why can't DH just write your name on his card this time

Humidititties · 30/08/2023 10:35

Mummyof32023 · 30/08/2023 07:30

Wow have you heard two wrongs don't make a right? You've just brought yourself down to his level and this feels like revenge. It's your in laws and your husbands dad at the end of the day.

Wow, did you read any of OPs posts?

Mrsjayy · 30/08/2023 10:37

sugaraddict02 · 29/08/2023 13:37

So it’s my FIL’s birthday next month and he will be turning 88.

I have made it clear to my husband that I will not be buying him a birthday gift/ card or contributing towards / attending FIL’s birthday dinner.

It may sound petty but on my birthday earlier on in the year FIL never got me a birthday card/ present.

I dont see the point in wasting money on a birthday present for someone I am not particularly close too just to keep DH happy.

Oh I dunno its your husbands dad surely you could at least go to the dinner let your husband sort out a card .

zizza · 30/08/2023 10:49

This is bonkers. People do overcomplicated life sometimes. IMHO when you're married you give joint presents organised by the relevant person for their side of the family. If you have joint finances you might just want to discuss how much to spend but otherwise it works fine surely

Original poster
sugaraddict02 · 30/08/2023 11:33

I think a lot of my bitterness stems from the fact that I have done so much to help in laws in the past and they have never been grateful, thankful or appreciative.

FIL is quite a nasty man and constantly makes sarcastic remarks.

I have more or less cut contact after FIL pushed me a few weeks ago and caused me to fall.
It was intended as a joke but it really upset me.

I never get any support of DH in regards to the issues with his parents.

He will always make excuses for them and tries to make me feel guilty, hence this post.

Moving forward I have told DH I wont be buying anymore Christmas/ birthday presents for in laws or helping them ( they have their own children to help them ).

OP posts:
Pineapples198 · 30/08/2023 11:46

This all seems a bit odd to me. I have never bought my in laws a separate card or present for anything. My husband buys a present for his dad and brothers and puts both our names on it. I buy presents for my parents, brother and sister in law, mother in law and sister in law on his side and we both put our names on it. Why on Earth would you need to be a separate gift?
ask your husband to just put “from husband names and wife’s name” on the card and present. Sorted.

this “he didn’t buy me a present so I’m not going to buy him one” thing seems a bit petty. My in laws completely forgot my birthday one year. I noticed but didn’t make an issue. I know they didn’t do it on purpose.

WaltzingWaters · 30/08/2023 11:52

The buying separate presents and cards is very odd. We always just sign them from us both/all. Maybe a separate one from kids if they make their own.
Why not start doing that. Joint cards and presents.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2023 12:11

Your fil pushed you over / into something? Did he apologise? I think you’ve got bigger issues than just your fil. Your dh should be supporting you after that.

GlomOfNit · 30/08/2023 12:53

sugaraddict02 · 29/08/2023 14:23

In the family we always buy separate presents for the recipient.

MIL did get me a birthday present which was from her only.
Usually FIL would get me a separate gift.

DH got FIL a Father’s Day gift and card was signed only from him.

DH was expecting me to get FIL something and said “ Well I would of got him something” meaning I should of got him a separate gift.

But again he is not my father and I defo dont see him in a fatherly role.

In the past DH has forced me to go to these type of things and it really has been for his benefit.

But I am at the point where I need to do what is best for me and stop being a people pleaser.

Show quote history

Anyone else shaking their head in bemusement at this scenario? Who on earth does things like this?! 😂 Grown adults. You surely give a present for birthdays from both partners to your dad or father in law?? Unless there's a special reason for being the appropriate person for a particular gift, like an in-joke or something. I certainly assume that the presents my husband gets for his parents at Christmas and birthdays are from both of us (or rather, from us and our children). But they're his parents so he thinks what to get, gets it and unless he's pressed for time, wraps and posts them if necessary.

But that's birthdays. Father's Day (which is made up anyway 😂) is for that man's offspring (and if you feel thus moved, maybe the grandchildren) to give a gift. My own PIL would really be taken aback if I sent them a separate card, just from me, on Mothering Sunday/Father's Day.

That aside, OP's FIL sounds petty and unpleasant and shouldn't be expecting all this scraping and bowing.

Good god, other people are strange sometimes. 😆

Newestname002 · 30/08/2023 16:47

@sugaraddict02

Moving forward I have told DH I wont be buying anymore Christmas/ birthday presents for in laws or helping them ( they have their own children to help them ).

Good decision. Be on your guard for when you get digs from your In-laws (block their numbers and on your social media) and, worse, emotional blackmail from your husband. Stand your ground. No need to argue - just state your case briefly ("I've already told you I won't be doing that") then be as boringly grey rock and vague as you can. 🌹

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2023 16:56

sugaraddict02 · 30/08/2023 11:33

I think a lot of my bitterness stems from the fact that I have done so much to help in laws in the past and they have never been grateful, thankful or appreciative.

FIL is quite a nasty man and constantly makes sarcastic remarks.

I have more or less cut contact after FIL pushed me a few weeks ago and caused me to fall.
It was intended as a joke but it really upset me.

I never get any support of DH in regards to the issues with his parents.

He will always make excuses for them and tries to make me feel guilty, hence this post.

Moving forward I have told DH I wont be buying anymore Christmas/ birthday presents for in laws or helping them ( they have their own children to help them ).

I don't blame you, why do you you have to buy for his family but your DH does fuck all for yours?
No, he can deal with his side and you with yours, next time I'd be visiting is at FILs funeral, what a nasty old man.

Hibiscrubbed · 30/08/2023 17:35

I have more or less cut contact after FIL pushed me a few weeks ago and caused me to fall.

With everything you’ve said, and this, he sounds like a horrible cunt. Cut the lot of them off. Including your husband…