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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anxious 15 yr old won’t sleep in his own room

64 replies

TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 05:45

My very anxious 15 year old DS won’t sleep in his own room- he’s been sleeping on a mattress on floor next to my bed. He’s had a lot of health issues and is under the care of an endocrinologist for delayed puberty too. I am at my wits end a bit! Obviously I want him to feel secure but I am really worried about it- he’s in his own room all day but at night gets freaked out & then won’t sleep in there. He’s had a rough time in school too.

Aibu to ask for help about what to do? I don’t think the delayed puberty is helping really as he’s still pretty immature although that is starting to change and for obvious reasons, he really needs to go in his own room.

any suggestions? I never thought I would be in the situation of dealing with sleep issues with a teen 🤪

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 29/08/2023 06:06

What is it you are particularly worried about? It sounds like he needs to be near you at night right now. Does he sleep all night when he sleeps in your room?

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 06:10

@ApolloandDaphne yes he sleeps when he’s in the room. I guess I am just worried that it’s not really normal but I obviously don’t want to make him feel like that when he’s had so much to deal with. He’s still like a kid in many ways because of the puberty issues- he’s 2 years delayed so bone age of a 13 yr old.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 29/08/2023 06:22

I think it is fine given he is not coping well at the moment. You are both sleeping all night which has to be the first goal as you will both cope better if you are not having disturbed sleep. Obviously he needs to start sleeping in his own room at some point. I think you need to sit down with him and work out what it is that freaks him out about his room at night and help him to solve this. Maybe he needs a low light on or some white noise/low music on? Has he said what freaks him out?

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 06:27

@ApolloandDaphne i think ultimately he just wants to be near to me as it reassures him. He will go on sleepovers to friends etc. but it seems when he’s at home, at the moment, he likes being next to me albeit on the floor! His 11 year old sister is fine in her own room. I just don’t know how to handle it really or whether to assume at some point it will sort itself out!

OP posts:
ClementWeatherToday · 29/08/2023 06:35

I'd assume it'll sort itself out. Sounds like he's coping with a lot at the moment.

DisquietintheRanks · 29/08/2023 06:43

Perhaps if he were better able to handle his anxiety he wouldn't feel the need to sleep in your room. Is he getting any specialist support with it, counselling etc? He's going through a lot.

I spent several weeks sharing a hospital room with my teen son last year. Not really necessary after the first few days- I could have gone home to sleep- but he wanted his mum (usually I'm not even allowed in his room). Young teenagers like to seem grown up but really they're not.

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 06:46

@DisquietintheRanks hes had a bit of support in school & he had a bit of counselling but didn’t want to continue with it. He also did a self esteem course through a local gym for teens so we have tried some stuff. He’s definitely more mature than he was a year ago but he’s not quite there yet- I think some of it will come when he starts to grow more - we are seeing endocrinologist in oct so will see what she thinks too.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 29/08/2023 06:47

TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 06:10

@ApolloandDaphne yes he sleeps when he’s in the room. I guess I am just worried that it’s not really normal but I obviously don’t want to make him feel like that when he’s had so much to deal with. He’s still like a kid in many ways because of the puberty issues- he’s 2 years delayed so bone age of a 13 yr old.

I think it's understandable when he's dealing with such a lot of genuine worry.

I hope his health issues get resolved.

Steakandquinoa · 29/08/2023 06:50

I think you just need to be patient. Like someone said t me when my son had his dummy at 4, he won’t still be doing it when he’s 25

Papillon23 · 29/08/2023 06:51

I agree with people who have said lack of sleep makes everything worse, so if you and he can cope with it, I'd give it a few months and see if it resolves itself.

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 06:52

@Steakandquinoa yes true. I think I said when he was 8 ‘oh he won’t still want to sleep in the room at 15’ and yet here we are!! Obvs he’ll go through puberty soon though!

OP posts:
Spyral · 29/08/2023 06:53

My 18 year old DD has been sleeping in with me for over a year now for similar reasons. It's fine by me if it helps her. I don't care what anybody considers to be normal, or whether this is, my DD & her physical, mental & emotional health comes first.

RantyAnty · 29/08/2023 06:53

What is he afraid of?

MintJulia · 29/08/2023 06:58

Have you tried talking about him sleeping in his own room as something for the future. Get him to decorate it how he wants. Colours, textures and style/content can improve things dramatically. Will getting him involved in the project help?

Mummadeze · 29/08/2023 06:59

I am lying here right now with my 14 year old in bed asleep with me. She goes through phases of wanting to be in her room at night or needing the comfort of being near me. She is getting treatment for severe anxiety and ocd at the moment, so I just go with the flow. I expect she won’t want to sleep with me once she is better. No professional advice though, reminds me I should ask the psychiatrist about this. I can report back!

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 06:59

Thanks @Spyral thats reassuring. Hope your DD is ok.

@RantyAnty hes anxious about feeling different to everyone i guess- it’s hard when you are still small & all your mates look like men. He’s also had chronic asthma since he was a baby & has allergies too. It’s all just contributed to it i guess.

OP posts:
Richmondgal · 29/08/2023 07:01

Omg

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 07:01

@Mummadeze hope your DD ok too 💐

@MintJulia yes, we did his room up & he loves his bedroom! He’s in there all day gaming etc. He just doesn’t want to sleep in it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 07:02

@Richmondgal Omg what? Do you have something to say?

OP posts:
JonjoMonjo21 · 29/08/2023 07:03

I think I would just let it go for now as long as you’re both sleeping. He’s obviously not feeling ok and wants his mum. My 8yr old does this with me however she has immense health issues and can suffer asthma attacks , panic attacks, and chest pains due to 2 forms of heart disease, so I just let her when she wants to. I wouldn’t want her to feel sad and anxious as it would make the situation worse imo

Tohaveandtohold · 29/08/2023 07:07

My colleagues daughter had this and when she got help with her anxiety, they were able to phase her into sleeping in her room. The doctors gave her a 2 week sleeping pill and when she was drowsy, she goes to bed. She sleeps now without the pills with lights on in her bedroom and the corridor and then listens one of those sleep music all night. I feel for you but it won’t be forever.

TheInterceptor · 29/08/2023 07:07

A very wise health visitor advised me to do whatever it takes for everyone to get the most sleep. Don't feel judged.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 29/08/2023 07:09

TheInterceptor · 29/08/2023 07:07

A very wise health visitor advised me to do whatever it takes for everyone to get the most sleep. Don't feel judged.

We've always adopted that approach too.

If your DS is struggling with sleep, anxiety and feeling different, has he ever been assessed for ASD? My 16 yo is in the pathway and I'd say those are the three main things she struggles with.

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 07:12

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto i suspect he’s got ADD/ADHD but at the moment we aren’t pursuing a diagnosis as I dont want to add anything else in the mix that makes him feel different to be honest! Maybe when the puberty stuff has resolved itself

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 29/08/2023 07:15

TheColourofspring · 29/08/2023 07:12

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto i suspect he’s got ADD/ADHD but at the moment we aren’t pursuing a diagnosis as I dont want to add anything else in the mix that makes him feel different to be honest! Maybe when the puberty stuff has resolved itself

It was really difficult broaching the subject with my DD at first and she hasn't got a diagnosis yet but has been told that she's showing adobe significant ASD traits and that it's very likely she will get a diagnosis.

I think it's actually helped her accept herself more and understand that her problems aren't poor MH but largely due to ASD.

Plus she now gets Melatonin so actually sleeps which has helped enormously.