Anxious 15 yr old won’t sleep in his own room

[TheColourofspring]

My very anxious 15 year old DS won’t sleep in his own room- he’s been sleeping on a mattress on floor next to my bed. He’s had a lot of health issues and is under the care of an endocrinologist for delayed puberty too. I am at my wits end a bit! Obviously I want him to feel secure but I am really worried about it- he’s in his own room all day but at night gets freaked out & then won’t sleep in there. He’s had a rough time in school too.

Aibu to ask for help about what to do? I don’t think the delayed puberty is helping really as he’s still pretty immature although that is starting to change and for obvious reasons, he really needs to go in his own room.

any suggestions? I never thought I would be in the situation of dealing with sleep issues with a teen 🤪

This is very interesting- what probiotics did you use? Was it from food or in a packaged form?

What microbiomes did you use? Very interesting

We had a full analysis of our microbiome through invivo clinical via our nutritionist so we knew exactly which good and bad bacteria we had and what we needed (I can't recall offhand the specific ones we each took then as it was treating several issues) but after our initial courses which were quite specific and different for each of us, the ones I go to for anxiety are Garden of Life 'Mood' available on Amazon.

(I've also very effectively used their women's and their vaginal for UTIs) and I take the women's over 50s as standard every night now. My DD uses a course of Mood when she has anxiety. It's almost always after a spate of eating too much sugar.

I would definitely recommend seeing a functional medicine specialist and having full microbiome analysis for any complex health issues that drs haven't managed to solve especially relating to skin and/or stomach. For example, I had a tropical parasite that caused horrendous stomach & skin issues for over a year - I went to gp and had all the available NHS tests including endoscopy and nothing was found. In desperation I saw a functional medicine practitioner who ordered the invivo stool testing (which from memory was one that assessed stool at a dna level), the parasite was identified and I was able to get the correct very strong antibiotic (via showing the results to a private dr who specialised in tropical medicine) and I was totally well again in less than 2 weeks.

Is there any problem with the room? Noises from loft space, location etc? DS would not sleep alone in a ground floor bedroom (not alone on the floor) due to possible axe murderers, he was 10 though. He was fine on camps as he was with others.

Does he have a brother he could share with?

Honestly, if this were my kid, I'd let him sleep where he needs to sleep. You have said that he is going through a lot of upheavals and feeling very different from the others at school who have matured before him. His body could be awash with hormones that are spiking this anxiety. It's just cultural that we don't all sleep together as a family. Some cultures do. But I'd be really frank and say: 'I'm fine with this and if you need this security, you have it, but don't mention it at school. People might tease you and you don't need that, Everyone has the right to secrecy and privacy and this is a situation that deserves privacy so it doesn't get misinterpreted.'

I'd also have a quiet word with your DD and say 'DB is going through a phase where he feels the need to sleep in my room at night. We're fine with it. It's temporary but please don;t mention it as people might get the wrong impression and call him a baby or a mummy's boy and he doesn't need that.'

You say he can do sleepovers and that he loves his room. these are good things. The only suggestion i would make is that he games downstairs, not in his room. His bedroom should be a sanctuary for sleep not play, so make that distinction. Encourage him to go to bed in his own room and then if he wakes and wants to sleep by your bed in the night, he can.

He will grow out of it.

Have you mentioned the extreme anxiety (to the extent that he won't sleep in his own room) to the endocrinologist? As there are some hormonal/chromosomal disorders involving delayed puberty that can cause other physical health issues but can also include anxiety and depression as symptoms.

It's obviously possible (and more probable, I'd have thought) that the delayed puberty has affected his self-esteem and mental health for obvious reasons and that the anxiety just stems from that. But it would be worth a conversation with the endocrinologist just in case the anxiety is part of his condition, rather than something that's been caused by it, if you see what I mean.

For a 15-year-old boy (delayed puberty or not) to want to sleep in his mother's room every night, there is obviously something pretty significant going on in his head that needs addressing one way or another, for his sake and yours. You both need more privacy than this situation allows and he will obviously be a lot happier if he isn't stressed and anxious, so while I don't think it would be appropriate to just boot him out of your room, I also don't think just ignoring it and acting as if it's normal is the way to go either.

If it helps him to get a good night's sleep and he's not keeping you awake, I would just ride it out. Tackle the anxiety and the hormonal problems first, don't make matters harder than they have to.

Sending hugs. We solved same issue by dc sharing but we have all boys.

Would you mind sharing your functional medical doctor diet with me?

OP, my daughter suffered(s) horrific anxiety (teen diagnosis ASD and ADHD) and I slept in her room for almost 2 years (when she was 15-16). She sleeps on her own now at 17 and occasionally with one of her sisters. I think patience and not making them feel weird / stupid about it is the key.

If there is space, how about you both sleeping in his room to get used to it. Then you starting to return to your own bed once he is asleep after a while.

I'd also bet, once he does get puberty to kick in he definately won't want you anywhere near him at night due to certain things that happen to teenage boys as they sleep.

Great that you are getting various things looked into. We had this with both DS between 11-13, for well over a year each. Phases of start in own bedroom to months either in with me or on a blow up that ended up being permanently on the floor. They both knew it was ok. They felt comforted and safe being their own selves In their own home and that they are loved as they are. They grew out of it

You sound like a wonderful mum OP.
I'm also heartened by all the support of putting everyone’s mental health first and doing what’s needed in the here and now. It’s impossible to ‘Fix’ everything at once and where your son sleeps can come a bit latter.

If you think this, even though the timing is awful, start pursuing it now. It takes forever and is easier whilst a child to get into the process. Otherwise you will time out and he'll be an adult and it will be harder to do as he has to action it not you (which if he does have ADHD will be difficult for him precisely because ADHD).