Anxious 15 yr old won’t sleep in his own room

[TheColourofspring]

My very anxious 15 year old DS won’t sleep in his own room- he’s been sleeping on a mattress on floor next to my bed. He’s had a lot of health issues and is under the care of an endocrinologist for delayed puberty too. I am at my wits end a bit! Obviously I want him to feel secure but I am really worried about it- he’s in his own room all day but at night gets freaked out & then won’t sleep in there. He’s had a rough time in school too.

Aibu to ask for help about what to do? I don’t think the delayed puberty is helping really as he’s still pretty immature although that is starting to change and for obvious reasons, he really needs to go in his own room.

any suggestions? I never thought I would be in the situation of dealing with sleep issues with a teen 🤪

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto i haven’t ever spoken about it to DS to be honest despite suspecting it. He’s sleeping well currently most of the time although does overthink stuff with his anxiety. He’s doing well academically too although we will need to help him with study techniques for gcse I think as his attention span isn’t great at all. I just don’t want to add stuff into the mix at the moment with everything else going on.

I really feel for you and your son - it sounds like he has a lot on his plate and as a parent of teens I know school can be brutal. I would carry on until the health stuff is sorted and then look to tackle this later. My teen DD sometimes hop in my bed (their DF works nights) i think it’s when they need that little extra bit of support. It’s like the body of an adult but the mind of a child! The mattress on the floor is a great idea, gives you all enough space so not inappropriate at all. Go with your gut feeling as you know better than anyone. Have you looked at hypnosis for the anxiety? It worked wonders for lots of people I know children.

I totally understand that, my DD did find Y11 very hard. Some things that helped her were a toilet pass and a pass so that she could leave class 5 minutes early so that she wasn't in the corridors when they were crowded.

If he needs help with studying look up some study techniques for people with ADHD. How to ADHD has some good ones. Our DS has ADHD and the one technique that seems to work best for him is body doubling. So you're literally just present whilst he studies.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto oh that’s so interesting re body doubling- he’s always asking me to be in the room when he’s studying!

@SPF50 thanks 🙏🏻

@TheColourofspring im not sure why you think anything would change with the onset of puberty? Late onset puberty (which my son has) doesn’t cause night anxiety.

I imagine he needs a professional series of therapy appointments to help him overcome his anxieties (which almost certainly aren’t confined to sleeping alone).
Also nows not the time to find ways to tempt him back to his room, literally who cares. Focus instead on his overall mental health and independence will follow.

This isn’t about you

Just ignore the troll. MN should have a button to let people block unhelpful trolls from commenting on their posts.

@HairyKitty its caused him anxiety because he’s constantly worrying and anxious about being different. He worries about his friendships as he feels different socially to everyone else- so the delayed puberty has had a big impact on him being anxious.

The most important thing for you to know is
he only grows in his sleep - I would go the other way for a bit to make sure he gets good deep sleep for a period by putting a single bed in your room if space and making it official to see if his growth improves.

My son had delayed puberty, my daughter has severe anxiety and both my children have inattentive adhd - I think you might want to reconsider an assessment. Inattentive adhd is busy mind rather than busy body and can affect sleep. Seeing a physiatrist can give him access to melatonin to help him fall and stay asleep - my daughter takes 2mg slow release.

if he has a diagnosis of adhd he will have more support in his GCSEs if he wants it - he doesn’t have to accept it - like a rest break during exams / smaller exam room.

adhd meds can also potentially help him increase his concentration and grades. We put our son on these just for his Gcse exam period and he pushed his grades up well above his predicated grades for most subjects.

when my sons growth was slow the doctor said gaining weight or height triggers puberty - maybe see if he will do weights to improve muscle and eat dense foods like avocado / protein yogurts etc.

I wouldn't be worried about the wanting to sleep near you thing. My ds used to do this sometimes when he was worried about something and he didn't have half what your ds is dealing with it. Just calmly treat it as normal. It'll stop when he feels stronger.

@IamfeelingHappy thanks, your post has given me things to think about. Isn’t there a long wait list for diagnosis though?

My 13y old DS is currently asleep in my bed. He has his own single blanker and pillows.
It's just been the two of us, for years, so there never seemed a good reason to push him to sleep on his own. I did think he'd be long gone, by now, though.
He starts off in his own room, but usually ends up in mine. Usually, it's bad dreams or rain on the window, making him think spiders are trying to get in. He has always thrashed about a lot, in his sleep and shouts out a lot. I was the same, but eventually grew out of it.
I also worry about it not being 'normal', but the alternative is him being scared and sleep deprived.
My older son still came in with me, frequently, until puberty hit. He's 30, now, and I can't remember the last time.
It'll happen, in his own time, OP.

Totally agree. We're very inflexible about children's sleeping in this country.

This will sort itself out in its own time. No need to push it and make him even more unhappy/anxious than he already is.

@TheColourofspring I don’t imagine this is isolated though, anxiety disorders are a general condition with various triggers iyswim.

He is identifying the late puberty as “the cause” when in fact there may be many tangled feelings that he’s even unaware of.

For example fear of being socially excluded as you have mentioned, fear of being different - the perceived trigger is the late puberty, but is it really? I imagine an underlying anxiety problem that needs resolving, with the late puberty as a superficial factor (I’ve got no professional experience but experience around young people with anxieties).

I would certainly be looking for longer term regular professional counselling to start unravelling and reframing these anxieties. And honestly don’t give another thought to the sleeping arrangements right now.

And yes to getting on the list for an adhd assessment, one symptom/effect can be low self esteem which won’t be helping

whilst only 11 my eldest suffers major anxiety which causes sleep issues. he was abused by his uncle and has suffered suicidal ideations to the point he was hospitalised we had to move as children's services said he wasn't safe sharing a room with his brother. your post makes me wonder if he would benefit from some time in the room with me to help him feel safer and better protected

Goodness @Stressedsoph1 hope your DS is ok- that sounds awful. And yes maybe- it certainly helps my son feel safe & happy, despite my worries about it 💐

I went back into my parents' room for a few weeks around my GCSEs and again when I had my first heartbreak. For me it was a safe place and stopped me panicking about not getting enough sleep. I knew I had to lie quietly (sometimes reading) so mum and dad could sleep, so I rationalised I was resting, which was almost as good as sleep and it somehow helped. Just support him to get as much rest as possible at this time. Independently sleeping will come back.

My daughter finds a weighted blanket helps, too.

oh that’s so interesting re body doubling- he’s always asking me to be in the room when he’s studying

DS wasn't diagnosed until he was an adult but at 15 it was pretty obvious. He does have ADHD but mainly inattentive.

If it helps to make him feel happier and safer, and to sleep- why would you change it? Sounds as though he needs the reassurance. I had similar with my ds - it helped him through some very difficult times

If you lived in a one bedroom house or a flat or were in a different culture you'd have no choice but to share a room.

It's working for now, don't rock the boat bot before exam times.

If you really want to wean what about both of you moving to his room for bedtime and then you leaving to go to your room when he's asleep? Not sure if that's an option space wise or even if he sleeps before you? I know my teens were always awake later than me!

It's so tough as a mum going through something like this. Having had a very troubled time as a teenager and zero positive parenting I'm a firm believer that teens need as much parenting as toddlers to make it adulthood safely and successfully.

My 15 yr old DD has slept in with us at various times of stress and anxiety, for a whole year when she was bullied and more recently a night or two after an emotional upset.

Your DS just needs you right now and its wonderful you're there for him. Once his anxiety resolved (assuming you find a way) it's likely he'll feel confident to sleep alone in his room. I would look at ways to help with his anxiety.

Anxiety is so complex in teens especially if there's adhd and you have these added health issues.

One simple thing that really helped both my DD's anxiety and my own was working with a nutritionist on our microbiomes. The link between anxiety and the microbiome is such an interesting development in nutritional science and usually an easy fix. We both use a probiotic specifically for anxiety and avoid too much sugar when we're feeling anxious and it's helped a huge amount.

There are clearly bigger issues for you to explore over time once the health issues are under control but I know my DD wasn't comfortable with counselling or even talking to me about her feelings much so this is what helped us.

Sending you strength to deal with this difficult time. It sounds like you're doing an amazing job and are a real source of strength and comfort to your son.

My DD had to sleep with someone until she was 14, and still does if away from home. If she goes to a sleepover (very rare) she stays up all night. Whatever she needs is fine by me, it's my job to provide comfort whatever her age.

This.

We’ve gone backwards with DS recently sleep wise as he’s having a tough time mentally.

We’re not pushing & giving him what he needs right now.

He hates being alone so & gets really scared at night. My

It’s not ideal, but he settles better. Things are really tough for him right now, so we’re trying to go at his pace and not put too many extra demands on him.

@TheColourofspring when I read your OP my first thought was “I’m not sure I would have been brave enough to post this in AIBU” but I’m heartened to see that you have had, mostly, really supportive replies. I have three neuro diverse dc and if I had a pound for every time I’ve been told something’s not normal at their age, I’d be wealthy! I’ve always chosen to “go with the flow” and two of them now have very “normal” jobs and the third is on to, all be it deferred, university applications.

Its great that you are supporting your ds’s needs and I agree with the poster above who said that I diagnosis may help access other accommodations in school and at exam times and can help people realise why they feel the way they do.

Now, just to get mine to move out. Only half joking!