Midlife crisis

[taktakboom]

Am I the only one feeling like I'm having a midlife crisis? Just turned 40. On the face of it life is fine. Nothing to complain about. Just feel really sad that the best of life is behind me. All I can see in the future is failing health, losing friends and family. There's no adventure anymore, I've already made my life choices. I'm married with kids, I can't just up and travel round the world solo. I'm not depressed, but I do feel sad. I'm a fraud because I really have a nice life compared to many people. I just have a sense that al the dreams I had as a young person haven't really come to fruition and there's not much left to do except more of the same as now. Feel free to bash me when there are people with real problems, I get that.

pity party won’t sort this. You need to stop catastrophising your future

Wait until your in your 50s, and add menopause and all it's craziness into the mix. Enjoy the now.

So what do you actually want to do? What is achievable and realistic
you’re a young woman who has parental responsibility yes that curtails spontaneity and you plan and accommodate your adult parenting life. No point sweating the what ifs

Must be something in the air, OP. I've been in right old moody today, feeling like it. I know only I can fix it, but it's the obstacles like a frail DH and general household shit all falling to me. I think part of it is knowing autumn is coming, a birthday approaching, losing daylight, and a shit summer all piling in on me. My last 'good weather' Bank Holiday this year is spent like every other weekend.

I just have a sense that al the dreams I had as a young person haven't really come to fruition

What dreams were these?

I’m early 30s and I have something of this setting in at the moment. I’ve made my life choices, possibility isn’t really a thing with 2 small children, so this is it for the next 18 years or so. My dads in poor health, I have 1 treasured grandparent left that I’m devastated at the prospect of losing. My face is getting lines, I never know what to wear anymore and there’s always someone needing my attention. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly relaxed.

I fantasise about one day moving to NYC, living in a tiny flat just me, and living my life going to interesting places and drinking nice cocktails. With my kids visiting as and when as adults. Maybe it will happen one day.

Yes this is what I mean. And @drinkuptheezider too.

I'm not looking for a pity party. Sometimes I think that reading a lot as a child have me unrealistic ideas of what life would be like! When I was younger life just seemed like it was full of endless possibilities. What a privilege I know, but basically it isn't! I fantasise about running away too and doing an eat pray love kind of thing but basically I can't because of the kids and of course I want to be here for them.

What nonsense. My life started again at 40 and its still exciting at 61. I've done everything on my bucket list and I'm still going.

When my son left for uni I went to uni too and trained for a new career then I learned to ride a motorbike and got my licence and rode all over the world on it.
After that I decided to move to Gladtonbury as I'd always wNted to I've there so I just went. And it's been amazing.
I'm single as well. Age doesn't stop you from doing anything. Make plans now. No reason why you can't fulfil some of your dreams now and the big ones later.
I'm currently training to be a professional book binder because that's what I want to do in my retirement.

Maybe my marriage is the problem. I feel like I just want to be on my own when the kids leave home and do whatever I want!!

OP, I was like that when I was 30. I've just turned 60 and have kept myself fit and healthy going to the gym regularly. I'm just starting to do all the things I wanted to when I was young, and I'm still as capable of doing them all.

Hopefully you'll be the same.

I was feeling a bit like this 30 years ago. So I deliberately started taking opportunities, doing things I’d never done before, and life has blossomed. Yes, it’s hard with young children, but they become steadily more independent, and you will have freedom in the future, to do things that your younger self never dreamed of doing.

Sometimes I think that reading a lot as a child have me unrealistic ideas of what life would be like!

As a wise man once said, books are a load of crap.

Maybe my marriage is the problem.

I wondered if it might be. That's the kind of thing that can express itself as more vague life dissatisfaction and crisis.

At the risk of sounding like a cliche, tell us more about that.

A number of years ago a colleague turned 50 and someone asked how he felt and he replied “I’ve enjoyed every decade more than the one before so let’s see what this one brings!” I’ve decided to go with that approach. I can’t turn the clock back, regrets are pointless. I am 41. At 40 I started a uni course and I will have completed that by 42 and a half. I also want to travel so that’s an achievable goal. This decade my dc will become adults so I want to enjoy and cherish this time. Perhaps my next decade I’ll have grandchildren… or not. Who knows.

I’m 42 with two young children and feel a bit like this, OP. Sometimes want to burn down the life I’ve built and strived for as it feels like a prison – the house and it’s mortgage and bills that means we need to keep working and striving more, the children that take up so much time and energy, the wish to make more money to ensure their future but than that more work… and none of the abundance of possibilities of my 20s, but none of the payoff of hard work, really – at least in any extraordinary sense. Just want to be alone in a bothy with barely any possessions and a lot of gardening, walks, reading and writing. (Also read a lot as a child. How dare life not live up to I Capture the Castle!)

I’d suggest you think is the root of the malaise, what has triggered these feelings?
Review your here and now eg relationship,career,parenting, what or where do you obtain your sense of well-being? What do you get approbation from? start by thinking about your current life,support network (is it adequate?)
You could appraise what you want to change,what’s achievable,what’s realistic
Reading books as a child is unlikely to impact upon your current sense of malaise or feeling you’re missing out. Your current situation will be inextricably linked to your roles, relationship and social situation

i do wish you well going forward but don’t get stuck or preoccupied on what ifs. You can’t fix what ifs. You can however make realistic life changes

Hi Op.i turned 40 over the weekend.

I'm not one for believing in energy transfer and "leaving it to the universe", but I think there's something in manifesting/ having intention. I think if you've got clear goals, you have direction.

The other week, I came across a document of my goals that I'd set 10 years ago which covered aspects such as work, relationships, travel, health etc. I'd been very specific and had included dates. I hadn't seen it in a decade. It was surprisingly to realise that I'd actually achieved most of them (not to say that there wasn't some delays, disappointments etc along the way).

I've created a new one for my fifth decade. I've really thought about what is realistically possible with some effort, patience, priorisation and saving and that I'm excited about. There are also goals that I can do immediately, like read widely. Can you do the same? Perhaps start with a reflection on what you've achieved to date/ what you're proud of?

Some real negative nellies on here! At 40, there's every chance that you're not even half way through your life!! Embrace it and if you're not happy, change it! There's no need to become old and decrepit these days!

I agree with getting some goals in place. I felt very low all last year. Many hard things happened to me during the pandemic and I felt like I might not come back from it in terms of mental health. Then I bought a new flat, for no practical reason other than I loved it. I have thrown myself into doing it up and it's amazing how much energy and focus it has given me. It has really pulled me out of a rut in a surprising way. Time to get practical maybe, OP?

your life isn't over - you've got a good 40/50 years left!

Your kids will grow, you get your freedom back, and life keeps moving - plan a head!

I'm 53 and life is exciting - planning my next move when the youngest goes off to uni in 3 years - I'll move - be mortgage free, and start to think about my next career step. I've got a good 15 years of working and I plan to make the most of it - I've been on holidays alone twice this year.

Stop dwelling in the past or wishing your life away - grab it by the balls and change it!

I get that but if it helps my mum & dad at 40 lived for us kids didn't have any family to help so they never saw friends I'm not sure they even really had any. They never travelled unless it was a family holiday. My dad worked away a lot so my mum was on her own with just the kids majority of the time. But now we're all grown up they are literally living their best life they've took up hobbies met loads of friends who all go away together a lot they seem so happy and are really enjoying this phase of life. I always had this thought of once I'm middle aged the best years of my life will have long gone. But if they're an example of what's to come in life I'd be really excited.

This is really helping, thank you all who reply especially people saying they went through a period feeling like this too.

Not much to say about marriage... it's fine, I won't leave, there are lots of good things about it but equally sometimes I feel suffocated by it and perhaps I made the wrong choice. Who knows. It is what it is! I think I just have to press on trying to make something of myself irrespective.

"The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened. It's only the middle-aged who are really conscious of their limitations--that is why one should be so patient with them."

My friends mum retrained as a social worker at 40, by 50 she was a service manager. 40 is still a youngster. You can potentially initiate realistic changes if you want to
Set short term goals eg weeks, months
Medium term and long term goals with plan how you’ll get there
Its about the present the here and now

Did you intend to be so dismissive?