Midlife crisis

[taktakboom]

Am I the only one feeling like I'm having a midlife crisis? Just turned 40. On the face of it life is fine. Nothing to complain about. Just feel really sad that the best of life is behind me. All I can see in the future is failing health, losing friends and family. There's no adventure anymore, I've already made my life choices. I'm married with kids, I can't just up and travel round the world solo. I'm not depressed, but I do feel sad. I'm a fraud because I really have a nice life compared to many people. I just have a sense that al the dreams I had as a young person haven't really come to fruition and there's not much left to do except more of the same as now. Feel free to bash me when there are people with real problems, I get that.

Don't think I've ever related to a post as much as this one!

I am glad I'm not the only one.

I really get the people saying that the sense in our twenties that if we didn't look great at that moment there was always the future - but that is gone completely, I know I will just continue to look worse and worse and there's not a lot to be done about it! Except surgery, which I am considering.

I honestly do try to be grateful and put things in perspective. And i am grateful and I function fine day to day. It feels like grief somehow

Menopause can be a bit of a headfuck because it forces you to reconsider your world view. I have certainly come through it with more of a sense of who I truly am inside (well mostly, some days I feel a bit all at sea but so do we all) and not who the world wants me to be or thinks I am, iyswim.
You need to think of your looks as a record of the life you’ve lived, not just how attractive you are to the outside world. You are you, unique and only - celebrate it! It’s very liberating to chuck expectations out the window. (I don’t mean you have to look like a scarecrow - you do you).
Your body also is a gift - think of all the things it can do. Find a way to get out of your head and into your body. Look for sensations - cold water, grass under foot, soil in your hands if you garden, sweat if you exercise, smell if you cook… Your body is a marvel, a bit of cellulite or a few wrinkles are neither here nor there.
Or, try something drastic! Cut your hair, dye it, try a new wardrobe - nothing much is irreversible. Shake it up!

@taktakboom Your last post sums it up for me really. It feels much like grief. That time and hope has gone! I’ll probably opt for surgery (neck & face) at some point but that would be like fixing holes in the roof I suppose.

If you want surgery and can afford it and truly feel it will make you happier, by all means do it.

I'm reminded of your mention of your marriage not being satisfying, though, something you don't seem to want to talk about despite it being significant enough that you thought it might be at least part of the issue. I'm not saying you must leave, but if that's what's really creating this lack of fulfilment and regretful feeling, surgery won't help because it's a displacement from the real cause of your unhappiness. Are you perhaps worrying about your looks because subconsciously you are thinking of leaving (again, I'm not saying you should) and therefore worrying about attracting someone new?

I'm definitely feeling the midlife crisis. My twenties were so fun, I put minimum effort into minimum wage jobs, and threw all my effort into having fun and evading anything challenging. My thirties have been a grim long slog, endless responsibility, watching my mum's health decline, feeling my bad choices catch up with me. I'm trying to turn things around and make good for my kids, but it's so bloody hard, and I don't have any great faith that I'll enjoy life much if I do achieve a professional job. I know I'm relatively lucky, but I'm riddled with regret and all my optimism is faked for the benefit of others.

45 onwards is a bit shit. Everything starts to fall off, or stop working.

Just wondering what 55 is going to be like.

I changed jobs at 49, two years ago. Dd just starting sixth form.

You need to find a way to look forward, OP.

You still have options. I'm unlikely to ever be a doctor, and that's ok. I'll stick to being an accountant. No need to hark back to earlier life..

Make time to do the things that make you happy

Big and small

I misread that as you starting sixth form!!!

@DrSbaitso not much to say about it really! And who knows what the right or wrong choice in life is. I could have chosen not my partner but then maybe I wouldn't have found a better option or had my kids etc. The surgery definitely isn't about attracting another mate, I have always been dissatisfied with a certain part of my body. I think I do mourn the death of possibility of romantic/sexual connection with another person for the rest of my life though, now that making babies is over. It feels like a key aspect of excitement from being younger is now impossible.

you need to set about changing the things you CAN change. e.g. health, exercise, start a business, learn a new skill. Something to focus on that will bring you pleasure and hope. Small steps daily towards a target.

Oof. This is all very familiar.

I had surgery a couple of years ago for something I really hated about myself. Subsequently lost a lot of weight. Got a new job.

All good.

Not so good - I also went completely batshit. Fell in love with someone else. Skirted round the edges of an affair, although I managed not to do anything I certainly had an emotional affair.

I have felt quite mad to be honest, and so recognise that feeling of wanting to burn down the life I've built for something else. But what else? I'm in my 40s with kids. This is it really tbh.

I have changed a lot and I'm not sure DH likes the me I am now as much as he likes the old familiar version. But you have to allow for people to change in a marriage that's decades-long. I haven't always dealt with it well though, and I've made choices and priorities I shouldn't have.

I don't know what to tell you; I feel I've fundamentally changed as a person and I can't go back. I don't know how it will play out really; mostly in my private and quiet dissatisfaction and feeling of being dislocated from my own life, while doing my best to pretend that everything is as great as it once was.