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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Midlife crisis

63 replies

taktakboom · 28/08/2023 17:47

Am I the only one feeling like I'm having a midlife crisis? Just turned 40. On the face of it life is fine. Nothing to complain about. Just feel really sad that the best of life is behind me. All I can see in the future is failing health, losing friends and family. There's no adventure anymore, I've already made my life choices. I'm married with kids, I can't just up and travel round the world solo. I'm not depressed, but I do feel sad. I'm a fraud because I really have a nice life compared to many people. I just have a sense that al the dreams I had as a young person haven't really come to fruition and there's not much left to do except more of the same as now. Feel free to bash me when there are people with real problems, I get that.

OP posts:
Toloveandtowork · 28/08/2023 21:49

I've got this too. Have been stuck in it for years, also with young children and feeling trapped.
I'm just about getting to the stage where I can decide on a plan forward. Before this, I felt too stuck to move forward.

Chipperfish · 28/08/2023 21:52

Alone that probably wasnt helpful (I just adore Saki) but there was a serious part to it - there comes a point where you have to take stock of the realities of life and deal with the bare bones of it, and that can feel pretty depressing sometimes. I recognise the feeling you are describing, but its not impossible to change, grow, do new things, take on new challanges. It might be different, planning takes longer , its a bit less spontaneous, you have to take everyones needs into account and all the baggage along with you - but its never to late to reassess and change things

GentlemenPreferBlondes · 28/08/2023 22:16

You are entitled to feel sad. But you could also try and turn it around. We have various plans - holidays we would like to go on in the next few years as a family, stuff we would like to do when DC leave home, stuff we would like to do when we retire. Sure, not all of these will happen and some are more like dreams. But I think that’s what keeps us going - making fun plans and hoping they work out.
As kids get older, the opportunity set changes too - you could travel the world with them rather than alone!!

Laurenjessicax · 28/08/2023 22:20

you got this! I think try doing something for yourself either change of career or a hobby or something just for you. Easier said than done with child care responsibilities etc also whenever I feel this way I just think this is my dull phase of life it'll pass and the next phase will be all the more better. Good example I use is Kourtney Kardashian she's in her mid 40's new husband baby on the way living the dream not very realistic but even so she's had a complete life change mid 40's.

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/08/2023 22:27

I don’t think Kourtney Kardashian is a good role model or positive example of changes one can initiate.
KK isnt living any dream by reliable measures,her life is a commoditised set of events. Played out,embellished and publicly scrutinised. I suppose the money cushions the bumps and facilitates KK choices
Genuinely cannot see that KK is living any dream and it is an odd comparison to draw upon

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 28/08/2023 22:36

Just turned 47 and this summer l fulfilled a lifelong dream of visiting my favourite film location.
Wait til your kids grow up a bit op.

taktakboom · 28/08/2023 22:40

grandkk454 · 28/08/2023 21:52

I feel your pain OP. Not sure if there’s anything here that may help.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/4881247-46-and-suddenly-old?reply=128769606

Oh wow, an almost identical thread! Sorry for the duplication. But at least it's not just me 😒

OP posts:
taktakboom · 28/08/2023 22:41

I think the advice to write down what I've achieved and enjoyed and what I would actually like to do in practical terms going forward is a good idea. Try and make my general sense of malaise more concrete.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 28/08/2023 22:44

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 28/08/2023 22:36

Just turned 47 and this summer l fulfilled a lifelong dream of visiting my favourite film location.
Wait til your kids grow up a bit op.

I went to Cardiff and visited lots of Whovian/Tourchwood stuff - it was ace - teen DD3 curled her nose up a bit but the other 2 where happily at home doing 'almost adult' stuff - honestly OP it gets better

I celebrated my 40th newly divorced with a 18mth old, 5 and 7 year olds - no where to live (marital home on the market) just returned to work with f all money - but surrounded by the best mates and a new feeling of freedom

Life doesn't stop - it changes but it gets better as they get older!

DrSbaitso · 28/08/2023 22:45

I think having young children does this to a lot of people. They are so demanding and all encompassing.

But they do get older and more independent. And you actually find yourself missing the early years, although you could never have told me that when I was in the depths of it.

friendlycat · 28/08/2023 23:33

I do think you need to be careful and try and turn this around otherwise you can waste your life with regretful thoughts.

I’ve had a midlife crisis but it kicked in at 55 and realistically that’s not middle of life as we don’t live until 110 !

I can also remember my wise old late mummy reminding me I had the whole of my life ahead of me when I was upset with things aged 40. I’ve also had wise friends tell me not to hate my age as it’s a waste and in years to come we will all look back and wish we were younger.

I remember being upset at 40, then 50 and this birthday will be 60. Do you see what I mean? It’s difficult getting the head around ageing as in our twenties being older seems far away. But it truly is a gift to age as some people don’t get the chance. Not sure I’ve managed to fully accept it but it’s better to try than fight against it.

Jerseybake · 29/08/2023 00:56

Would being glad you're not me help OP? 😂

I'm a couple of years older than you and really feeling a lot like you've mentioned but I am really stuck because I'm F/T carer to my disabled little girl and DH is a farmer so never stops working! No friends and family nearby but I love my mum so much, ai just don't see her enough! Menopause on the horizon sending my anxiety through the roof especially when period due. Had a hobby I love since I was a child that is getting harder to be able to do every year because of being a carer. Life is like groundhog day and I'm starting to think I really CBA anymore!

Simbaiamyourfather · 29/08/2023 07:08

How old are your children? I'm around the same age with teenagers and have decided to just take them on the adventures, going to Japan soon, and then we're going around Europe. I've started dragging my husband on Obstacle courses like Spartan and Tough Mudder. But I'm one of those people who constantly needs something to look forward too. Then at the same time I'm also having a bit of a midlife crisis where I'm not sure if I want another baby or not!

1990s · 29/08/2023 07:13

I feel very similar, had a good cry about this the other day. Compounded by the fact I still don’t know if I can have children so I’ve not even started that bit / future feels unsure.

I know all the people saying it can be good are true, but a thread the other week about someone in their fifties struggling to get a job even thought very qualified brought home to me that it’s harder when you’re younger.

Jackienory · 29/08/2023 07:17

........................... better than the alternative.

JeSuisPetite · 29/08/2023 07:35

I am 45 and also feel like this at times. My DD has grown up and left, so sometimes I think that all I have ahead is years of the just the same existence plus all the bad things that come with age.

I have a little cry (why not!) and then say to myself that it’s like a good birthday, anticipation may be the best part and getting lovely gifts is exciting but now is time to play with them. And I start making the most with what I have now - cook something special, book a trip, watch a good film, make an effort with DP. Just start enjoying, savouring and improvising on what you have build around yourself all these years. Experiment in some way in the safety that you are loved and secure - with style, make up, food, travel and house décor choices.

Creepyrosemary · 29/08/2023 08:28

I get it. I'm 44. Mine has mostly to do with regret. When I was young I didn't care that I fucked up because life is still full of possibilities. Now I don't like parts of my life and can't fix all of it because I should have made different choices when younger. I wish that I could get a do over but with the knowledge that I have now. The only problem is that I would want to keep my daughter but not her father so that won't work either.

I'm muddling through at the moment and when DD goes to school I want to do a course and change my career. That I at least can do, even if I won't have a massive career anymore. And I'm going to find the money in the next 10 or 20 years to buy a small studio or flat near the sea so I can escape to my own place sometimes. I don't care how small or old it is, as long as it can be mine.

CoffeeCantata · 29/08/2023 08:55

Ooh NO, OP!

I came into my own at that age and have loved life ever since. I felt much more confident, didn't care about the things which used to hold me back when younger. I still had loads of energy and the children were a bit more independent.

It's a great time of life - one of the best. I did an MA and moved jobs and just had a brilliant time.

grandkk454 · 29/08/2023 15:12

taktakboom · 28/08/2023 22:40

Oh wow, an almost identical thread! Sorry for the duplication. But at least it's not just me 😒

I found others similar experiences quite comforting. I’m still not sure what the answer is though and hope I can shake it off somehow.

Good luck!

unfor · 29/08/2023 15:28

I remember feeling a bit like that when I was your age. But my forties have been the best decade of my life. I really feel like I am coming into my own. I was very sad about DC growing up, but actually having a teenager is brilliant fun and we have had some fantastic times. I have also spent a lot of time thinking about what gives me a sense of purpose and am now retraining.

My philosophy now is: if I was on my deathbed in five years' time, what would I wish I had done right now? I try to remember this, it helps me seize the day.

MotherOfCatBoy · 29/08/2023 15:48

I think this is normal, OP. Apparently there’s research that shows happiness in life has a U shaped curve with a dip in mid life and it climbs up again from there?

Lots of good advice here. You’ve got to have a dream, as the old song says, otherwise how you gonna have a dream come true? Start small, think of your dreams, make small ones come true, go from there.

This is a good book - Four Thousand Weeks, Oliver Burkeman.

Tomoinson123 · 29/08/2023 15:57

You're not wrong.

I've felt increasingly like this during my 40s and although I still love life at 45, the things I think about and that are concerns are nothing compared to when I was younger.

In some ways it's freeing as I care less about being attractive, (but am acutely aware of the aging process and hate it) and I love my early to bed early to rise routine and would really struggle to go on a night out. Nothing about that would be appealing to me.

And I'm much more cautious and I have an anxiety disorder anyway but that's been present for decades but there are things I definitely wouldn't have been anxious about when younger but am now.

It's an increasing awareness of time, ageing and mortality I think. I wouldn't be eyeing up a sexy young waiter in a Greek taverna anymore as that wouldn't appeal but also can feel a bit sad at the knowledge a sexy young waiter likely sees me as a middle aged woman who's the same age as his Mum and not someone he'd ever see as attractive.

There's something carefree and less self-conscious about being young. I do think about my age when I buy clothes for example. And the knowledge that today is probably the best I'm ever going to look as the physical ageing process is pretty inevitable.

And I'm reaching the stage where my parents who are only in their late 60s, are seeming more old and restricted in their activities and so I have to for the first time, think about them dying and what that means.

And I know there's loads of MNetters who'll say their parents in their 60s/70s and beyond are more active than them, running marathons or playing tennis every week. My parents are not. My parents seem very old in their late 60s and that does affect me and my thoughts about my life and the future.

neverbeenskiing · 29/08/2023 16:22

The unexpected joy of early menopause (I'm 39) has me feeling a bit like this, OP. I'm usually a pragmatic but optimistic person, but I'm quite up and down emotionally atm. I'll be having a perfectly nice day and then suddenly feel very "what's the point" about things. Like you, there's a bit of guilt mixed in there because I have a very nice life so no reason to feel the way I'm feeling.

I keep finding myself thinking back to my late teens and early twenties. My life was a lot harder then, more chaotic, filled with lots of people coming and going but really lonely at times. My life now is infinitely more comfortable, more peaceful and I have the security and stability I so badly wanted back then, so it makes no sense that I've started feeling weirdly nostalgic for the highs and lows of that time.

I do think many of us spend our 20's and 30's striving, building, working towards the kind of life we've chosen for ourselves...studying, career, marraige, mortgage, kids (not necessarily in that order) etc etc and once we have the things we've been striving for it's like, what now? I am acutely aware of how fortunate I am to have lovely home, a happy marriage, two kids and a job i'm passionate about, but for some reason just lately that doesn't stop me fantasising about blowing it all up for the sheer hell of it and running away.

grandkk454 · 29/08/2023 18:26

@Tomoinson123 I agree with a lot of your post, particularly the fondness of a routine and how I’d be viewed by a Greek waiter! I’m sad about things that I wouldn’t want anymore and it’s a bit baffling.

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