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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting the get the train with DD to see her dad?

75 replies

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 11:52

I have a DD (14 months old) with my ex and we have just returned from a two week holiday. Ex last saw DD the day before we went.

I had plans to take DD to see her dad, however, when I got back, the tyre on my car was flat. I asked ex if he could drive here instead (we live about 45 mins away from each other) but he apparently can't drive here either due to his car currently having no MOT. I suggested he get the train here instead, which I thought would be an easier option than me having to get a taxi to and from the train station and then get on the train with DD plus all her other stuff (pram, bags, toys which I take for her to her dad's since he has none at his house for her!)

Ex has flatly refused to get the train here and said I need to get the train instead. This has annoyed me as I often make the journey to his house and just this once need him to come here instead. I obviously will take her to see her dad but AIBU for not wanting to do this and expecting him to get the train here?

OP posts:
Candleabra · 28/08/2023 11:54

Isn’t it his responsibility to make the journey on his days with DD? Do you have any formal arrangements? Sounds like you facilitate a lot of the contact he gets anyway tbh. I wouldn’t be putting myself out for him any more.

Hotcuppatea · 28/08/2023 11:56

Why will you obviously do this? It's his responsibility to make the journey. You are your DD's parent. You're don't have to parent your ex husband as well.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 11:58

I obviously will take her to see her dad

Well, if you will ‘obviously’ do it, why would he bother?!

OneForTheRoadThen · 28/08/2023 11:59

We organise it so that whoever physically has the children drops them off so in this case you'd take her and he would drop her back. Would he be dropping her back anyway? I think one journey each is fair

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 28/08/2023 12:00

Start setting boundaries now or he will take the piss more and more. You've got a 14 month old baby you don't need to be running around after him. He can make his own transport and if he doesn't bother then shame on him.

SunRainStorm · 28/08/2023 12:00

Pathetic on his part.

He could- Get a MOT, take the train, borrow a car, Uber.

You have no obligation to facilitate his lazy behaviour by bringing DD to him at his leisure.

Tell him he is welcome to come but you're not Amazon and you won't be delivering DD to his doorstep!

BeeCucumber · 28/08/2023 12:02

Stop facilitating contact. If he wants to see his child then he should make the effort.

cansu · 28/08/2023 12:02

I am not sure why you obviously need to do it. Just say no sorry I can't manage this. She will be available if you can get here .

Original poster
mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:02

Hotcuppatea · 28/08/2023 11:56

Why will you obviously do this? It's his responsibility to make the journey. You are your DD's parent. You're don't have to parent your ex husband as well.

I will do it because my daughter hasn't seen her dad in almost 3 weeks so feel like I have to put my feelings aside and just take her since he's clearly not going to come here

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 28/08/2023 12:02

Your daughter is too young to care.

Original poster
mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 28/08/2023 12:05

@mamahhl you're a good mum.

I still wouldn't go in this instance though. You need to start as you mean to go on. If you act as his courier and facilitate his lazy behaviour, he will come to expect it and you will spend the next 17 years doing it.

Have some boundaries, make it sustainable.

Tell him you're sorry it won't work out this week, you'll have to find another time soon when you or he are able to drive.

CuriousGeorge80 · 28/08/2023 12:07

Come on OP, he’s being totally unreasonable. Say no. If he cares he will come. Don’t let him trample all over you. Your daughter is far too young to care and it will be much much better for her in the long run if you set healthy boundaries and clear expectations for him.

SunRainStorm · 28/08/2023 12:08

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

Good luck to him impressing a judge with his story of being invited to see his daughter- but not being able to make it because he was too hopeless to have a MOT done and too lazy to catch a train.

Father of the year.

Text him that he's welcome to come see her, so you have it in writing then leave the controlling bastard to his own devices.

GladAllOver · 28/08/2023 12:08

I don't see how he can take you to court because he can’t be bothered to travel.
You do your share, he does his. Sorted.

fins2 · 28/08/2023 12:09

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

Let him, see what the court says he should be doing.

Maddy70 · 28/08/2023 12:10

Nope his responsibility

Valerie23 · 28/08/2023 12:10

You are under no obligation to take her to him.

Tell him to get off his arse.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 28/08/2023 12:10

Trying to force fatherhood on a feckelss fucker will affect your dd down the line more than letting him scuttle quietly away back under his rock.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/08/2023 12:11

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

Let him take you to court. Then he can explain why he refused to get on the train and instead expected you to do it with the baby. Though if he's too lazy to get a train to see his child he's highly unlikely to actually get off his arse and go to court.

Did one of you move away?

WeirdBarbie · 28/08/2023 12:12

“Hi Ex,

I will pick her up but you need to collect her.”

Simple. Split it.

(Edited to fix typo!)

HRTQueen · 28/08/2023 12:15

I understand that you maybe be worried if you don’t he won’t bother and that can really hurt

but it is up to him to make the effort if he doesn’t want to then sadly this tells you the sort of man he is (I think you already have a good idea)

You are doing your best to be a loving and responsible parent that’s the best you can do

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 28/08/2023 12:15

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

Let him take you to court. They will fix the days, times and who does the journeys (and therefore pays for fuel, tickets etc).

Stop being bullied by him.

EL8888 · 28/08/2023 12:18

Leave it to him. Or you will be running around after him forever

frozencarlotta · 28/08/2023 12:21

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

Let him - seriously he needs to make the effort, and your DD will know what kind of person he is