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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting the get the train with DD to see her dad?

75 replies

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 11:52

I have a DD (14 months old) with my ex and we have just returned from a two week holiday. Ex last saw DD the day before we went.

I had plans to take DD to see her dad, however, when I got back, the tyre on my car was flat. I asked ex if he could drive here instead (we live about 45 mins away from each other) but he apparently can't drive here either due to his car currently having no MOT. I suggested he get the train here instead, which I thought would be an easier option than me having to get a taxi to and from the train station and then get on the train with DD plus all her other stuff (pram, bags, toys which I take for her to her dad's since he has none at his house for her!)

Ex has flatly refused to get the train here and said I need to get the train instead. This has annoyed me as I often make the journey to his house and just this once need him to come here instead. I obviously will take her to see her dad but AIBU for not wanting to do this and expecting him to get the train here?

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 14:10

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

Invite him to do just that. Cunts like him are all bullying talk, there’s no way he’d ever bother to put himself out financially or through the effort to actually do it.

cushioncovers · 28/08/2023 14:15

Your daughter will have absolutely no sense of time, in the nicest possible way stop being a doormat op and just tell your ex that he can see his daughter when his car has an mot.

LakeTiticaca · 28/08/2023 14:15

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 28/08/2023 12:00

Start setting boundaries now or he will take the piss more and more. You've got a 14 month old baby you don't need to be running around after him. He can make his own transport and if he doesn't bother then shame on him.

Agreed. It's not your responsibility to get your DD to him

WaltzingWaters · 28/08/2023 14:18

Set it up now that for all visits he picks her up for her visit and you will collect her. (That way around so he actually has to come if he wants to see her).
He’s not going to take you to court. And even if he did he doesn’t have any ground to stand on with his excuse being he doesn’t have an MOT on his car and is too lazy to get a train to see his Dd.

ZadocPDederick · 28/08/2023 14:28

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

Does it matter? If he takes this one to court, you simply point out that he was absolutely free to come and collect his child, he just couldn't be bothered.

ConnieTucker · 28/08/2023 14:33

ZadocPDederick · 28/08/2023 14:28

Does it matter? If he takes this one to court, you simply point out that he was absolutely free to come and collect his child, he just couldn't be bothered.

Show quote history

This. Email him it text him. Keep a record.

Unfortunately, bringing dd to your home on the train right now is not an option. You are more than welcome to get the train here to visit her.

CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 14:35

He’s making empty threats, he won’t take you to court.

Don’t get the train, let him come to you.

When car is fixed, he should pick her up, you can collect her (or vice versa).

JudgeRudy · 28/08/2023 14:41

. It's your ex's job to come a get her unless you've moved away. Most parents compromise and you offering to allow him to spend time with her presumably at your house is a good offer. I think at 14months I'd just say no.
Don't get drawn into arguments about how hard or easy it is to carry kit etc, just tell him to let you know when he's sorted transport out. Is he working? Can he get in to work without a car? If not and he'll be around, maybe it'll suit you to drop baby and kit off at his and collect later/next morning

FOJN · 28/08/2023 14:54

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

Tell him to go ahead. He sounds really selfish and unreasonable so I doubt he would get very far.

You may feel like you are being the bigger person here but you are just enabling his laziness. If this was a one off favour for a good reason I could understand but it doesn't seem to be. If he cared that much about seeing his daughter he would sort transport out. The resident parent should not be responsible for travelling.

knobkopf · 28/08/2023 17:34

What a knob he is. I can see why he's an ex.

I obviously will take her to see her dad
No, not "obviously" at all. This is what he's banking on. He can make an effort to see her. He can get his car fixed, or he can get a hire car or he can get the train. Like everyone else has to.

Just tell him it's not possible without a car and repeat that he can come over to yours instead, this one time. If he can't manage to do that he can fuck off.

Oh and let him take you to court and see how far that gets.
You'll just say you told him he was welcome to come and see her or to collect her but that the journey was not possible for you on that occasion due to a flat tyre - and you can produce texts to prove it. So screenshot them now...
But he won't get that far because he can't be arsed and it's just a threat to get you in line.

Put boundaries in place now otherwise you'll have this sort of behaviour all the time.

Original poster
mamahhl · 28/08/2023 17:56

Thanks for advice everyone. Just an update - I didn't end up going and have just seen via social media that he's somehow managed to get to London (3 hours away) for Nottinghill Carnival!

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 28/08/2023 18:03

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 17:56

Thanks for advice everyone. Just an update - I didn't end up going and have just seen via social media that he's somehow managed to get to London (3 hours away) for Nottinghill Carnival!

Use this to step back. Communicate in writing. Have him share the travel.

he will lose interest and your life will be easier.

does he pay cm?

frozencarlotta · 29/08/2023 11:58

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 17:56

Thanks for advice everyone. Just an update - I didn't end up going and have just seen via social media that he's somehow managed to get to London (3 hours away) for Nottinghill Carnival!

remember this when you feel you should take DD to see him, and why he cannot get to you

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 29/08/2023 12:22

Screenshot it and also any communications on text or sm regarding him insisting you bring dd to him. You might be glad of the proof later on.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/08/2023 12:31

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 17:56

Thanks for advice everyone. Just an update - I didn't end up going and have just seen via social media that he's somehow managed to get to London (3 hours away) for Nottinghill Carnival!

Keep a diary of things like this and keep screenshots.

He likely won’t take you to court but if he does the judge will be deeply unimpressed with shit like that

knobkopf · 29/08/2023 13:22

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 17:56

Thanks for advice everyone. Just an update - I didn't end up going and have just seen via social media that he's somehow managed to get to London (3 hours away) for Nottinghill Carnival!

Sorry, I laughed when I read this but it's not funny at all.
Fucking wanker. Funny that, he can manage to get to London but he can't manage to get himself to see his own daughter.
That tells you everything you need to know.

As others have said, keep a record of this sort of thing in case he does try to make trouble later, but also to remind yourself what a complete selfish dick he is and that you do not need to be running around the country dragging a buggy, stuff for your child and your child just because he can't be arsed to get on a train.

NewName122 · 29/08/2023 13:28

If he wants to actually see her he would get on the train. It's not a huge ask. He obviously hasn't missed her much.

NewName122 · 29/08/2023 13:30

Oh gosh so he can get to a carnival 3 hours away but not do the shorter trip to see his child. Can see what his priority is.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 30/08/2023 11:41

sigh sadly the effort to go out boozing but not effort to see child is one I am sadly familiar with.
Don't ever be guilt tripped into doing all the running- I did that for a time thinking I was helping facilitate my child having a relationship with their father. He'd let us down last minute, be uncontactable, completely inconsiderate and inconsistent, always have money for drink, smokes and god knows what else but not for his child, got a coach trip across the country for a football game when he was meant to be minding child so I could work and switched his phone off for 72 hours.
I've had to take a massive step back and leave him to it. Il never stop him seeing child but won't be doing all the running round any more.

caringcarer · 30/08/2023 11:54

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 11:58

I obviously will take her to see her dad

Well, if you will ‘obviously’ do it, why would he bother?!

Why say no to your ex if you want to see DD you must come to her today. What would happen if you said no?

caringcarer · 30/08/2023 11:56

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

The court will tell him he has to do half the travel. That is standard. He chooses to not get an MOT for his car. It's not your responsibility. I'd suggest he takes me to court and gets it written in black and white.

Fraaahnces · 30/08/2023 11:59

Well take a screenshot and use that along with his messages about you coming to him via train today to keep up your sleeve in case he ever does take you to court. Bet he doesn’t. Sounds like another lazy arse whose priorities lie elsewhere.

LaDamaDeElche · 30/08/2023 12:01

BeeCucumber · 28/08/2023 12:02

Your daughter is too young to care.

This!

viques · 30/08/2023 12:04

He needs to have stuff like toys, clothes, nappie ,food for her etc at his place . It’s called PARENTING.

Starseeking · 30/08/2023 12:46

The best thing about leaving a useless man is that you no longer facilitate him!

If he wants to see DC, he needs to actually make the effort to collect her.

There is no obvious need for you to take your DC and lug all her paraphernalia to him.

Encourage him to take you to court (he won't, too much cost and effort for the likes of him!).

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