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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting the get the train with DD to see her dad?

75 replies

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 11:52

I have a DD (14 months old) with my ex and we have just returned from a two week holiday. Ex last saw DD the day before we went.

I had plans to take DD to see her dad, however, when I got back, the tyre on my car was flat. I asked ex if he could drive here instead (we live about 45 mins away from each other) but he apparently can't drive here either due to his car currently having no MOT. I suggested he get the train here instead, which I thought would be an easier option than me having to get a taxi to and from the train station and then get on the train with DD plus all her other stuff (pram, bags, toys which I take for her to her dad's since he has none at his house for her!)

Ex has flatly refused to get the train here and said I need to get the train instead. This has annoyed me as I often make the journey to his house and just this once need him to come here instead. I obviously will take her to see her dad but AIBU for not wanting to do this and expecting him to get the train here?

OP posts:
penelopelady · 28/08/2023 12:23

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

Oh that's sounds ideal, just encourage him to do this and then you will get a sensible solution in place and he will be bound by that and not whatever takes his fancy.
I would advise him that you also need to sort out pick ups and drop offs at the same time.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 28/08/2023 12:25

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

Great. Encourage him to do just that.

Do you have anyone who can help you stand up to his continued bullying?

BeeCucumber · 28/08/2023 12:27

He won’t take you to court. He is far too lazy.

CheeseFiend40 · 28/08/2023 12:44

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

He cant even get his arse in gear to sort out an MOT on his car, I highly doubt he’ll follow through on this threat.
What does he actually think the court are going to do when it’s him refusing to collect her, not you refusing access?

BCBird · 28/08/2023 12:46

Postpone the visit till he can.get to u

AnneElliott · 28/08/2023 12:52

I agrée you shouldn't take her. He has a number of options open to him, but put it in writing so he can't pretend you wouldn't let him see her.

It doesn't get any better op. My good friend has a lazy feckless ex who wouldn't go and pick up his own sick son from school when he was 15 mins down the road. The reason? He doesn't drive and his mistress was working and couldn't drop him off. Of course the rest of us normal parents would have got a train or a taxi or a bus, but no, my friend had to get her dad to go and get him as it would have taken her 2 hours to get back out from central London. I wouldn't force contact and let it slide it he doesn't make the effort.

MrsSquirrel · 28/08/2023 12:53

Tell him you're sorry it won't work out this week, you'll have to find another time soon when you or he are able to drive.

This. You don't have to do what he says. He is trying to control you. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that his car has an up to date MOT.

AnneAnon · 28/08/2023 12:54

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 28/08/2023 12:10

Trying to force fatherhood on a feckelss fucker will affect your dd down the line more than letting him scuttle quietly away back under his rock.

This. Fuck him.

LittlePudding1 · 28/08/2023 12:55

You sound like a great Mum putting your child's interests first.
Seriously though, she's 14 months, she won't be bothered, in fact she will probably be happier not making this journey.
Let the selfish bully take you to court, my bet is that he won't as it will be a hassle for him. If he wants to see his child, let him make the effort and do the traveling. If you don't make a stand now you are setting yourself up for years of this type of treatment and it will only get worse as he tries to exert more and more control over you.

Cosyblankets · 28/08/2023 13:06

MrsSquirrel · 28/08/2023 12:53

Tell him you're sorry it won't work out this week, you'll have to find another time soon when you or he are able to drive.

This. You don't have to do what he says. He is trying to control you. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that his car has an up to date MOT.

You can find this out OP if you know the reg of his car.

Ladybug14 · 28/08/2023 13:08

Oh come ON

If he can't be bothered to get a train to see his daughter he won't be bothered to take you to court

Stop spoonfeeding him

Hes an adult

HarpieDuJour · 28/08/2023 13:10

Here's the link to check the MOT;
https://www.gov.uk/check-mot-status

However, what you really need to address is his apparent need to behave as if you are responsible for what he does/doesn't do.

Check the MOT status of a vehicle

Find out the MOT test status of a vehicle - check the date of the MOT test and the expiry date of an MOT test pass.

https://www.gov.uk/check-mot-status

Beautiful3 · 28/08/2023 13:12

It's not down to you, to take her over?! If he wants her, he'll come and get her?! Ignore his ridiculous demands.

CatOnAMushroom · 28/08/2023 13:17

Legally at present you are required to make your child available for contact. You are not required to make the journey. That's on him.

If it went to court (he won't be bothered to do this!) Then the court may decide you each have to do some of the journeys if you moved away. But they might not!

Codlingmoths · 28/08/2023 13:22

Another one who says why will you obviously do this? ‘Ok then I won’t be taking train, I’ve often taken her to yours for you, you’d think you could come and get her one time my car is broken down! it would be easier to get a train if you bought stuff for your place for dd but since she has to take it all with her every time its a lot to carry. Dd will see you next contact date. (In text message or email /as a record for the court he probably won’t take you to!)

SunRainStorm · 28/08/2023 13:48

If he can't organise and fund his way to a MOT, he's not going to manage applying to court.

I hope you're staying home OP, and having a lovely relaxing day.

Womblegreen · 28/08/2023 13:50

Contact him and tell him when DD is available for his contact. It’s his responsibility to make the contact work.

gamerchick · 28/08/2023 13:52

It's your responsibility to make child available for contact. It's not your job to do all of the travelling.

Tell him to let you know when he can do the drive and you'll have the bairn ready.

NettleTea · 28/08/2023 13:56

the most important thing my divorce lawyer told me (well one of them) was that it was not my responsibility to facilitate my ex's relationship with his daughter - that was his job.
My job was to be there to parent her, or to be ready with an alternative when he invariably failed to turn up, or to turn up on time.

You make her available at the required time, and he turns up.
If he doesnt bother, then yes, thats sad for her, but ultimately better for her to be sad now, than in a few years when it really hurts.

we spend too much time fretting about these feckless men, covering up for their inabilities, and not badmouthing them, whilst they do not offer the same respect back. Im not saying badmouth, but equally dont hide the truth with lies to cover their arses. Time and action proves who is the reliable and safe parent.

HakunaMatiłda · 28/08/2023 13:58

mamahhl · 28/08/2023 12:04

Will also add that we've had issues in the past with him threatening to take me to court due to visits not happening the way he desired!

He can’t/won’t pay for an MOT to see his daughter. He isn’t going to pay for court.

Gain back control and show your daughter she doesn’t have to be a doormat for a useless man.

Ponderingwindow · 28/08/2023 14:01

Going to court doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be a father showing he actually wants to be an involved parent. It can give you a neutral environment to work out a parenting agreement where you don’t feel like you have to capitulate to his every demand.

aside from today’s transportation issue, stop providing everything for him. If he wants to parent, he needs to start stocking things like diapers, food, clothes and maybe some toys. Though truthfully most children are happy with household items as toys so they aren’t 100% necessary.

WunWun · 28/08/2023 14:06

The court would make him do the journey.

There is no way I would take her there!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 28/08/2023 14:07

As previous. If he wants to see her, he can get on the train, just himself, no child or baggage. Visit for the afternoon & then go home.

You should not put her, or yourself, through a stressful journey because he can't be bothered to do the basics of being a responsible adult.

Don't let the useless man bully you. Call his bluff & then see if any effort on his part is actually made.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/08/2023 14:09

Don’t ‘obviously’ do anything to appease this deadbeat loser. He should come to you. If he can’t be fucked, he’s hardly a loss to her is he?

OnlyFannys · 28/08/2023 14:10

Fuckimg hell just say no, either he gets the train or waits until one of the cars is roadworthy. If he cba to get on a train he certainly isn't going to bother with court. Keep a record of his messages refusing to make an effort any way to show he is a lazy twat.

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