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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly offended that I've offended?

75 replies

SilverSpooooons · 27/08/2023 22:01

Was texting a good friend back and forth the other day. Friend is is a bit overweight I guess, although it's not something I really notice or pay much attention to. But I know that they're uncomfortable with their weight and looks at the moment.

It was the evening and I had just finished a big meal. I was very bloated. (I have PCOS & endo, so I bloat a lot and can end up looking 6 months pregnant. It's very painful and can sometimes last a few days).

Anyway, they asked how my day had been and I'd said how I'd eaten too much and was really bloated.

They replied with:

"Whenever you say that I know it's all relative. You're still skinny and tiny. Then I just feel bad for actually being bloated because I've eaten too much and being multiples of your size.

Only say you're bloated to other skinny people it makes the rest of us feel like we're a Greenpeace project"

I replied a few times apologising and saying I was sorry, and that I was only saying it because I really was bloated and it was very painful at the moment 😕 It was just a random comment as I'm ND and often just say what's on my mind, even if it's not relevant to the conversation etc.

But I was quite taken aback at their response to me, and honestly was kind of hurt / offended at how direct they were, but now I'm confused - I obviously feel awful that I e offended them, so is making a comment like this a faux pas with someone who is larger than me? Does everyone feel this way if someone thinner than them says something like this? Confused

AIBU for feeling a little offended that my honest innocent comment has offended them?

OP posts:
fifteenfifty · 27/08/2023 22:04

I don't think you should have apologised. I think you should have pulled her up that you have a medical condition and she is being egocentric and unsympathetic and projecting her issues onto you confiding about your medical condition!

Cowlover89 · 27/08/2023 22:05

YANBU. your friend needs to get a grip x

bryceQ · 27/08/2023 22:05

Goodness seems like a huge overreaction from your friend..... I don't think you said anything wrong!

Scylax · 27/08/2023 22:07

You’re not unreasonable; your comment was a genuine reply about a genuine valid problem you face. But you say you know she’s struggling at the moment so it sounds like you struck a nerve. I’d be hurt too but definitely let love and friendship cover it. Your apology was lovely and hopefully soon she’ll reciprocate and it’ll be water under the bridge :)

iminvestednow · 27/08/2023 22:07

Your friend sounds terrible but correct me if I’m wrong, I’ve never heard of PCOS (which I have) as causing bloating after over eating???

PimpMyFridge · 27/08/2023 22:08

I think they were being over sensitive and their reaction was a reflection of the fact than they are comparing themselves to you. So instead of just hearing you were uncomfortable etc they just filtered what you said through their own dissatisfaction and came out with a remark saying you shouldn't mention your body to them as it triggers this reaction.

It's not reasonable for them to expect you to filter out a normal comment on your own self, which you made with no reference or connection to their body, in order to avoid making them uncomfortable because you're somehow supposed to know that they can't hear about thin people's bodies when they're unhappy with their weight.

So I'd just do as you have and apologise, but really I'd be thinking this is a them problem, not a you problem, and whilst I'd try to do as they ask, I also wouldn't be feeling responsible for their reaction.

Shopper727 · 27/08/2023 22:09

She sounds like she’s a bit touchy about her weight. You didn’t say anything wrong. Other people are allowed to be bloated etc if they aren’t large! Bigger people don’t have the monopoly on it -I have crohns and sometimes my stomach is massively bloated and sore.

LoveThisUsername · 27/08/2023 22:10

Your friend is being ridiculous. There's a huge difference between between being bloated and being fat.

Is she one of those that calls herself curvy while being more round?

I'm fat BTW before anyone jumps on me.

What you would be unreasonable for is say how fat you feel, while being tiny, then saying its relative, I feel fat for me, when told by a fat person to stop being so silly. That IS offensive.

5128gap · 27/08/2023 22:11

Bloating and excess weight are entirely different things. It's not your fault your friend is conflating them. You said nothing wrong.
If you get the opportunity explain to her you're not complaining about your appearance or your weight, but about having a painful stomach.

TheNestedIf · 27/08/2023 22:12

You have medical conditions that you can't do anything about. She has a weight condition that she could very likely do something about if she really wanted to, assuming she doesn't have a medical reason that's stopping her. How dare she imply she's worse off than you and tell you to shut up?

Vallmo47 · 27/08/2023 22:13

Your friend overreacted - she’s likely suffering from low self esteem due to her own feelings about her weight and taking it out on you. You’ve been very generous apologising for offending her. If it gets brought up again I’d explain your medical condition to her (again) so she understands you absolutely weren’t being rude. I know someone who is about half my size who cancels swimming sessions with me because she’s self conscious about a pimple on her back!! When she told me why she was cancelling I thought it was a joke it was SO weird! She also suffers with bloating (sorry, that’s why I mentioned her size) and I’d never in a billion years get offended when she pats her stomach and says she looks pregnant. She’s referencing her own body, not mine, even when she clearly doesn’t look at all pregnant.

Doingmybest12 · 27/08/2023 22:19

I don't know what the green peace comment meant. Also we don't know how small you are? Generally it is annoying when tiny people comment about being big or eating too much. I think it is a sensitive subject, Although you say you were talking about something related to health, so I think it's about the wider context here.

VeniVidiWeeWee · 27/08/2023 22:32

@Doingmybest12

"I don't know what the green peace comment meant".

Seriously? Save the whale? Not familiar?

ImNotReallySpartacus · 27/08/2023 22:35

I'd tell your friend you have not insulted anyone and she does not get to police your language. She sounds like hard work.

Notsuredontknow · 27/08/2023 22:38

Sounds like she was having a particularly sensitive moment. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt - she may have had a couple of similar comments from others and yours tipped her over into saying something. But you didn’t do anything wrong and it was nice of you to apologise

billy1966 · 27/08/2023 22:39

I don't think you should have apologised and I think she was very rude.

She needs to wind her neck in and get a grip.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 22:44

I wouldn’t have apologised. She is oversensitive and taking it out on you.

Bloatedness isn’t reserved for overweight people.

Even when I was a size 8 and 8 stone, my stomach would balloon so much most days that I looked 6 months pregnant. It was extremely uncomfortable.

Deathbyfluffy · 27/08/2023 22:46

She sounds like a prick, you did nothing wrong.
If she’s that bothered, send her a link to her local Slimming World class!

JudgeRudy · 27/08/2023 22:50

I can't see what you said wrong. You were explaining your symptoms and the effect it was having on you. Your friend over reacted. I might have offered 'I'm sorry you feel/took it that way' but I wouldn't be apologising. If she pushed it I might even say
Hey news flash. Its not all about you.

Sugarcoatt · 27/08/2023 22:53

I hate it when thin people whinge about being fat. My friend was an absolute stick insect, she would eat a piece of bread with loads of philadelphia cheese and say “oh now I’m going to be enormous”. Which she clearly wasn’t, and the exaggeration was a bit offensive to those of us who actually are enormous.

minipie · 27/08/2023 22:57

Sugarcoatt · 27/08/2023 22:53

I hate it when thin people whinge about being fat. My friend was an absolute stick insect, she would eat a piece of bread with loads of philadelphia cheese and say “oh now I’m going to be enormous”. Which she clearly wasn’t, and the exaggeration was a bit offensive to those of us who actually are enormous.

Not even slightly the same as what the OP said.

Complaining about being bloated isn’t the same as complaining about being fat, they are different things. Unless you are someone who sees everything as a comment about weight because you are hypersensitive about being overweight.

Dita73 · 27/08/2023 22:58

Your friend has a real chip on her shoulder. You didn’t say anything wrong. I have PCOS too and it does make you bloat and feel awful. If she’s that sensitive about conversations regarding food,fat,etc then she needs to do something about it. Not your problem

Lovingitallnow · 27/08/2023 22:58

There's different types of bloated though. Sometimes I am bloated and look huge etc and sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode and so uncomfortable and don't care that I look huge I'm just so uncomfortable. So I do think skinny people are allowed feel uncomfortable and express it even if it makes overweight people feel uncomfortable too.

Laurenjessicax · 27/08/2023 23:05

Don't feel bad even the skinniest of people can feel bloated. I'd understand her upset if you were saying to her that you felt fat and she was much larger than you. To me bloating means your tummy has temporarily expanded from eating and it's an uncomfy feeling nothing to do with weight happens to everyone. However I know when I'm feeling particularly insecure about something I can misconstrue what people say. For example if I had a haircut I didn't love and someone said 'have you done something different?' I'd instantly think what they're really saying is 'wow that's a bad haircut'

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 27/08/2023 23:08

It sounds like your friend doesn't know what bloated actually means and thinks it's something to do with weight gain. I probably wouldn't bother explaining what you actually meant because it sounds like she's enjoying the opportunity for self-pity while also trying to take you down a peg.

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