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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly offended that I've offended?

75 replies

SilverSpooooons · 27/08/2023 22:01

Was texting a good friend back and forth the other day. Friend is is a bit overweight I guess, although it's not something I really notice or pay much attention to. But I know that they're uncomfortable with their weight and looks at the moment.

It was the evening and I had just finished a big meal. I was very bloated. (I have PCOS & endo, so I bloat a lot and can end up looking 6 months pregnant. It's very painful and can sometimes last a few days).

Anyway, they asked how my day had been and I'd said how I'd eaten too much and was really bloated.

They replied with:

"Whenever you say that I know it's all relative. You're still skinny and tiny. Then I just feel bad for actually being bloated because I've eaten too much and being multiples of your size.

Only say you're bloated to other skinny people it makes the rest of us feel like we're a Greenpeace project"

I replied a few times apologising and saying I was sorry, and that I was only saying it because I really was bloated and it was very painful at the moment 😕 It was just a random comment as I'm ND and often just say what's on my mind, even if it's not relevant to the conversation etc.

But I was quite taken aback at their response to me, and honestly was kind of hurt / offended at how direct they were, but now I'm confused - I obviously feel awful that I e offended them, so is making a comment like this a faux pas with someone who is larger than me? Does everyone feel this way if someone thinner than them says something like this? Confused

AIBU for feeling a little offended that my honest innocent comment has offended them?

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 27/08/2023 23:09

Bloating hurts. Don’t apologise!

I’m on the chubbier side, so I know the difference.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2023 23:13

Fucking hell, stop apologising. Your friend has massive issues, and if she's unhappy with her weight, she needs to deal with it, not make it your problem.

I'd be done with this "friendship.".

AlmostAJillSandwich · 27/08/2023 23:25

I'm fat, i also have PCOS and IBS, and i totally get what you mean about the bloating being painful and very visible.
My regular "fat" belly is soft and squishy, eating a large amount of something i don't react to, whilst making me feel overly full, doesn't make make my stomach look bigger or feel different.
But when something i've eaten has bloated me, it feels rock solid, and to me, looks more rounded like a pregnancy bump, and it feels like theres a bowling ball in there, just heavy and so uncomfortable.

Your friend is clearly sensitive about her size, and when someone who is obviously slimmer than you comments about feeling or looking fat/enormous etc, especially in relation to having eaten a large meal, it almost feels like they must obviously think of you as fat/enormous/greedy as you're clearly bigger than them, and it can feel like an insult even when it wasn't directed at you.

But you commented about your bloating from PCOS making you look pregnant, thats an actual medical condition that causes a painful reaction in your body, and completely different and she's taken it very over the top with her reaction. This is entirely her issue not yours, you did not need to apologise, and if i were you, i might actually even tell her she's unfairly had a go at you and you feel she should apologise to you for offending you.

momonpurpose · 27/08/2023 23:26

fifteenfifty · 27/08/2023 22:04

I don't think you should have apologised. I think you should have pulled her up that you have a medical condition and she is being egocentric and unsympathetic and projecting her issues onto you confiding about your medical condition!

Absolutely! She is the one being obnoxious and rude. You have a medical condition

MsRosley · 27/08/2023 23:26

You can't go round walking on eggshells and second guessing the possible impact of anything you say. I'd tell her she's being oversensitive.

Rockfordpeach · 27/08/2023 23:28

YANBU I'm very overweight and wouldn't think twice about a friend telling me they are bloated other than to commiserate with them. She sounds extremely over sensitive

CClaire · 27/08/2023 23:46

It was insensitive to moan to a fat friend about feeling bad because you’ve ‘eaten too much’ but there is clearly more underlying her resentment by the ‘Greenpeace project’ comment and subsequent silent treatment. Are you holier than thou, generally? Assuming this is a genuine person/post of course 🙈

CClaire · 27/08/2023 23:50

(I say this as a Greenpeace venerator, member and monthly donor btw 😆)

TheWayoftheLeaf · 28/08/2023 00:49

Eh? Bloating and fat aren't the same thing. Anyone can get bloated. I'm a size 10 but when my IBS acts up I do look 9 months pregnant. It's a build up of food and gas etc.... she's being ridiculous

Findyourneutralspace · 28/08/2023 00:52

This is about them, not you.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 28/08/2023 00:53

CClaire · 27/08/2023 23:46

It was insensitive to moan to a fat friend about feeling bad because you’ve ‘eaten too much’ but there is clearly more underlying her resentment by the ‘Greenpeace project’ comment and subsequent silent treatment. Are you holier than thou, generally? Assuming this is a genuine person/post of course 🙈

Why? Not all people are fat because they eat too much and if she does then why's that OPs problem

WhateverMate · 28/08/2023 00:53

If this is actually true then YANBU but I suspect you know that, despite your wide-eyed claims.

WhatapityWapiti · 28/08/2023 00:56

Why are you saying “them”? Is your friend non-binary?

Notbeinfunnehbut · 28/08/2023 01:00

The thing is , doing the whole oh I feel so fat infront of someone who is x2 your size or more is an absolute dick move ,but you weren’t doing that really,

i am overweight I wouldn’t have been offended by that , must be feeling very over sensitive xx

GarlicGrace · 28/08/2023 01:04

YWNBU. Your friend made the assumption that in talking about YOURSELF, you were actually talking about them. It's a perfectly classic example of "making everything about them".

Such egocentricity is an increasingly widespread problem, and very evident among those who desire to be called "they". Maybe find a friend who doesn't try to control your speech and thoughts?

5128gap · 28/08/2023 08:39

Sugarcoatt · 27/08/2023 22:53

I hate it when thin people whinge about being fat. My friend was an absolute stick insect, she would eat a piece of bread with loads of philadelphia cheese and say “oh now I’m going to be enormous”. Which she clearly wasn’t, and the exaggeration was a bit offensive to those of us who actually are enormous.

When very slim women do this they're not doing it 'to' heavier women, they're doing it to themselves. It's perfectly possible to think an OW friend looks fabulous and be deeply insecure about your own appearance, which can manifest as an obsession with weight. Their own though, not yours. When women take these self directed comments from others personally that's to do with their own insecurity, which is rooted in exactly the same place as their slim food restricting friend's. We need to stop hating the players, whatever their size, and realise its the game that's the problem.

Autieangel · 28/08/2023 08:51

If you are a size six and were complaining about how overweight you are I could see her reaction. Bloating isn't fat. Her reaction was ridiculous I would have probably said "I'm sorry your upset but......."

GameOverBoys · 28/08/2023 08:55

Do you often comment about how ‘fat’ you are? It’s a bit insensitive, to comment regularly if your friend is larger than you. If it was a one off or a rare comment she’s being ridiculous and overly confrontational.

gravitytester · 28/08/2023 08:57

GameOverBoys · 28/08/2023 08:55

Do you often comment about how ‘fat’ you are? It’s a bit insensitive, to comment regularly if your friend is larger than you. If it was a one off or a rare comment she’s being ridiculous and overly confrontational.

No, it's not. Bloating is not fat. They are not synonymous.

The skinniest person can still get uncomfortably bloated.

IncognitoMam · 28/08/2023 09:04

I agree with the majority who say yanbu. I'm a bit overweight, not fat, but one of my friends bloats. I worry about her and don't get jealous. We're all different sizes.

If this is a one off then maybe let it go. But if she's an arse regularly then I'd be distancing myself.

Sosotiredineedsleep · 28/08/2023 09:07

You've done nothing wrong.

My DM was super skinny, but would get terrible bloating causing so much pain, bless her. She often would comment on it and I'd offer sympathy.

It crossed the line for me though when it went from 'oh, I'm so bloated and uncomfortable and feel so sick' (which im ok with) to 'oh I'm so bloated, look at my stomach it's disgusting. I look so fat' (which I was never ok with, given I looked bigger than her even at max bloat! And was so self conscious about my size. She was linking being 'fat' with being 'disgusting' which I found quite offensive). The first comments are fine. If those are the kind of comments you made, you've don't nothing wrong. The second comments linking the bloating to looking fat and disgusting are not ok. If you made comments like that then your friend is right and you have been quite offensive. But doesn't look like that's what you did.

SophiaElise · 28/08/2023 09:07

Nothing wrong with what you said - your friend sounds oversensitive.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 28/08/2023 09:09

You did nothing wrong and she made it all about her. You have a medical condition and she tried to minimalise it and compare it to her own seemingly more valid issues about overeating and then not feeling good.

IncognitoMam · 28/08/2023 09:10

As an aside are you being investigated op?

FOJN · 28/08/2023 09:11

I think your friend is feeling quite sensitive about her weight and overreacted. You should be able to discuss your health problems without censoring yourself because someone else might be offended.

But....

"Whenever you say that I know it's all relative..."

How often do you mention it?

I have a friend who is always telling me they feel fat (male) and I struggle to empathise with someone who is of normal weight but completely obsessed with their appearance.