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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly offended that I've offended?

75 replies

SilverSpooooons · 27/08/2023 22:01

Was texting a good friend back and forth the other day. Friend is is a bit overweight I guess, although it's not something I really notice or pay much attention to. But I know that they're uncomfortable with their weight and looks at the moment.

It was the evening and I had just finished a big meal. I was very bloated. (I have PCOS & endo, so I bloat a lot and can end up looking 6 months pregnant. It's very painful and can sometimes last a few days).

Anyway, they asked how my day had been and I'd said how I'd eaten too much and was really bloated.

They replied with:

"Whenever you say that I know it's all relative. You're still skinny and tiny. Then I just feel bad for actually being bloated because I've eaten too much and being multiples of your size.

Only say you're bloated to other skinny people it makes the rest of us feel like we're a Greenpeace project"

I replied a few times apologising and saying I was sorry, and that I was only saying it because I really was bloated and it was very painful at the moment 😕 It was just a random comment as I'm ND and often just say what's on my mind, even if it's not relevant to the conversation etc.

But I was quite taken aback at their response to me, and honestly was kind of hurt / offended at how direct they were, but now I'm confused - I obviously feel awful that I e offended them, so is making a comment like this a faux pas with someone who is larger than me? Does everyone feel this way if someone thinner than them says something like this? Confused

AIBU for feeling a little offended that my honest innocent comment has offended them?

OP posts:
AvengedQuince · 28/08/2023 09:13

You said nothing wrong. You said bloated, not fat. It was rude for her to call you skinny, are you even underweight or just a healthy weight? I mean it would still be rude to point out you were underweight but if you're not then it's not even true.

CoffeeMama1 · 28/08/2023 09:13

Na they can jog on, being bloated is a discomfort thing, it physically hurts and strains, it's not about size, they sound entitled and self centered thinking its all about them

AvengedQuince · 28/08/2023 09:17

Sugarcoatt · 27/08/2023 22:53

I hate it when thin people whinge about being fat. My friend was an absolute stick insect, she would eat a piece of bread with loads of philadelphia cheese and say “oh now I’m going to be enormous”. Which she clearly wasn’t, and the exaggeration was a bit offensive to those of us who actually are enormous.

absolute stick insect is a horrible way to talk about a friend. Would it be okay for her to refer to someone as an absolute sea cow?

Margoliciously · 28/08/2023 09:17

The thing is, at no point were you talking about her. You were only commenting on yourself and your own issue. How is this something you then need to apologise for? You are not responsible for her weight, her self esteem, or her issues around those things. The truth is, its easier to blame everyone else for the things you dislike about yourself but it’s not fair or right.

Dolores87 · 28/08/2023 09:22

You are not being unreasonable. Bloating isn't to do with weight. Skinny people can bloat badly and it is painful. Your friend needs to stop projecting and to get a grip.

NyanBinaryJohn · 28/08/2023 09:23

Fat ≠ bloating

Bloating happens to the best of us regardless of size. Bad bloating happens to people with conditions related to their digestive system or particularly bad diets.

Your friend is projecting her insecurities on to you. Remind her you have a condition which causes bloating and that bloating has FUCK ALL to do with size.

Alwaysdecorating · 28/08/2023 09:25

Bring bloated has nothing to do with being overweight. Your friend sounds like a pain in the arse. You said you felt blasted and in pain, she made it about her.

You didn't do anything wrong

highdaysandholudays · 28/08/2023 09:28

She's being ridiculous. I'm a size 18. My size is my business. Yours is yours. If my mate had texted that to me I'd sympathise and joke about how a good poo will make her feel better. Which it will for you too! She's acting like a child. I'm always trying to be thoughtful about how I talk to my friends and dislike the term snowflake. But here? It's justified. She has no right to even discuss your body shape at all. You were just chatting like mates do.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 28/08/2023 09:34

“When I talk about being bloated it is nothing to do with weight or size, it is to do with pressure etc caused by the PCOS / Endo”

116a · 28/08/2023 09:50

Doingmybest12 · 27/08/2023 22:19

I don't know what the green peace comment meant. Also we don't know how small you are? Generally it is annoying when tiny people comment about being big or eating too much. I think it is a sensitive subject, Although you say you were talking about something related to health, so I think it's about the wider context here.

Why can't 'tiny people' comment on eating too much and feeling like their abdomen is bigger than normal, whether a medical condition or not?

We can talk about what we like about ourselves. If anyone gets offended that's their problem.

I'm a 'tiny person' as you put it. And the only judgement I've had for being small has only ever been from overweight people.

116a · 28/08/2023 09:57

Sugarcoatt · 27/08/2023 22:53

I hate it when thin people whinge about being fat. My friend was an absolute stick insect, she would eat a piece of bread with loads of philadelphia cheese and say “oh now I’m going to be enormous”. Which she clearly wasn’t, and the exaggeration was a bit offensive to those of us who actually are enormous.

Absolute stick insect? Lovely friend you are!

Would you prefer then if your friend called you a huge whale?

wineschmine · 28/08/2023 10:00

Bloated is not the same as fat / overweight.

You said nothing wrong or insensitive.

JosieGrossie · 28/08/2023 10:08

Offering perspective from a very overweight person:

Agree with what other posters said. Bloating is nothing to do with weight and going by your OP you said nothing wrong. Bloating feels horrible, you're allowed to have a whinge about it! Your friend is being unreasonable here. Hopefully she'll realise that soon 🙃

116a · 28/08/2023 10:15

For everyone saying bloating has nothing to do with weight, whilst I do agree, but just because someone is on the slimmer side can they not talk about themselves if they've gained weight?

Slim people can put on weight too. And slim people can talk about it.

LisaD1 · 28/08/2023 10:17

Your friend has the problem here. I’m fat , 3 stone down but still going. Overweight people do not have the monopoly on being bloated. My daughter is tiny, probably a size zero, she still gets bloated after certain foods. Your friend should not dismiss your feelings!

HoneyBalloon · 28/08/2023 10:17

I am large and have lost count of the times much smaller friends have told me how enormous they have become and they’re still several sizes smaller than me. It does get annoying.

However, you were talking about stomach gas and not fat. Maybe she doesn’t understand what bloating is.

Conkersinautumn · 28/08/2023 10:18

Being fat and having ibs and nd. She needs to learn that bloating is not the same as being overweight. She's obviously sensitive but not to your condition. Her ignorance is epic, because its not much of a reach to know that

116a · 28/08/2023 10:26

HoneyBalloon · 28/08/2023 10:17

I am large and have lost count of the times much smaller friends have told me how enormous they have become and they’re still several sizes smaller than me. It does get annoying.

However, you were talking about stomach gas and not fat. Maybe she doesn’t understand what bloating is.

Do your friends can't comment on their own weight unless they're as large as you?

It's not a race to the bottom.

Thistooshallpass. · 28/08/2023 10:30

Your friend is being ridiculous. So because you are slim you are not allowed to state the fact that feel bloated ?! It's jealousy- but it's not your problem.

HoneyBalloon · 28/08/2023 11:09

@116a Hi there, everyone is free to talk about their weight as much as they like. But I wouldn’t phone anyone much larger than me to complain about how terrible it is that I’m the size I am. I’m perfectly free to talk about my size in all other situations and I would say the same for a person who is a size 10 and upset that they’ve gained a few kg.

DebbieLouiseDairyleaCheese · 28/08/2023 11:18

You didn't say anything wrong. My best friends skinnier than me and I wouldn't be offended at all if she said this.

WhateverMate · 28/08/2023 11:24

HoneyBalloon · 28/08/2023 11:09

@116a Hi there, everyone is free to talk about their weight as much as they like. But I wouldn’t phone anyone much larger than me to complain about how terrible it is that I’m the size I am. I’m perfectly free to talk about my size in all other situations and I would say the same for a person who is a size 10 and upset that they’ve gained a few kg.

The OP didn't phone anyone.

It was mentioned as part of a text conversation when her friend asked about her day.

maddening · 28/08/2023 11:32

I would have just replied that it wasn't the size but the pain and discomfort.

Yabu to be offended - she was a bit of a dick but not offensive - she is obviously v sensitive- something to maybe chat with her as a friend on friendly terms about as something she can work on herself outside of her weight issue - the self reflection so she can learn to disassociate others comments about themselves from her feelings about herself - more for her own mental health.

You would have been unreasonable to moan about weight to her but that was not what you were doing - I have pcos, ibs and post gall bladder surgery issues and totally understand the pain and discomfort!

zingally · 28/08/2023 11:44

YANBU. Your friend needs to grow up. The world doesn't revolve around her and her pet insecurities.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 28/08/2023 11:48

I've suffered with severe bloating all my life didn't matter whether I was a size 8 or a 14 or anything in between.
Friend needs to get a grip.

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