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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For ‘ruining’ DH’s birthday lunch before it’s happened?

97 replies

RingRoad · 27/08/2023 20:43

DH has big birthday in two weeks and really wants lunch with his family. They live about 150 miles away in a tiny village.

I offered to host. I only know their part of the world through visiting PIL’s house and we don’t tend to eat out down there much. So I asked DH if there was a special restaurant he wanted me to book, but he said no.

I started research last week, looked at tons of restaurants and reviews and found two places with great reviews. He ruled them out as being ‘not great’ from recent family/friend experiences.

More research, more reasons why new suggestions didn’t work. He then told me today super casually that his parents can only go somewhere close to home (5 mile radius) as they won’t want to drive far (and won’t be room in our car) plus he wants to go to their house before.

Very little choice at this point, so I booked a steak restaurant they’ve all been to before and liked. He’s just said it won’t be right for everyone and got really shirty about how the logistics are now spoiling the whole thing.

In my head, I now want to tell him to book his sodding birthday lunch himself.

YABU - he’s the birthday boy
YANBU - he is!

OP posts:

Threenow · 28/08/2023 00:41

You've gone above and beyond as far as I can see - tell him to organise it himself, then if it's not right he can't blame you.

Lucy377 · 28/08/2023 00:58

Well you can't win. Them having a chef in the family scuppers the local restaurant thing then. Can anyone else in DHs family help.you figure it out? Like a sibling. Maybe it doesn't have to be entirely to your responsibility.

7eleven · 28/08/2023 02:15

I’d hazard a guess that he’s feeling down about his significant birthday and taking it out on you.

My OH got really down about his 50th. He was fine on his 60th 😀

He’s obviously being really silly about the restaurant. Tell him to let you know when he’s decided what he wants. I don’t think it’s really about that, though?

WholeHog · 28/08/2023 07:08

I wonder is it that he wanted his parents to cook for everyone or the chef to offer to host, and feels this has been messed up? Doesn't want you two to be paying for everyone (if you have joint finances)? Or he's feeding back your ideas to his family and different people are giving him negative feedback on each option?

Original poster

RingRoad · 28/08/2023 07:23

Thanks so much for the perspectives, and reassurance that I’m not not imagining this nonsense!

He doesn’t have form for this, so it is odd. Could be the big birthday, although no other signs.

I think he originally expected/hoped his mother would offer to cook, but she didn’t. And I don’t blame her as she’s at an age where catering for large groups probably has little appeal. She and I get on fine but she definitely wouldn’t want me using her kitchen to host.

I’m taking your collective advice and putting the ball back in his court!

OP posts:

BendAndStretch · 28/08/2023 07:47

@RingRoad Is your PIL house big enough to host everyone? Would your MIL accept someone else cooking in her kitchen? We've had success the last couple of big occasions getting in a private chef. You can choose the menu, they bring everything they need, serve and tidy up afterwards! And it doesn't work out much more expensive than a meal at a restaurant.

Maybe something you can suggest to your DH to look into

NeedToChangeName · 28/08/2023 07:52

Caterer in village hall or parents' home?

financialhelpneeded · 28/08/2023 07:56

Very quietly and calmly you need to explain to him how long you have spent trying to sort this out, and how much you really want him to have a good day, but that you are struggling and need help because you're not as familiar with the area or the people as he is. He is not a five year old boy, and he should absolutely be involved in planning his own party if he is going to be fussy.

IHaventStoppedCravingYet · 28/08/2023 08:19

What about getting a chef to cater a lunch or dinner at his parents house? I’ve been to a couple of events like this and the food has been fantastic. Everyone got dressed up so it felt special but was also relaxed and really enjoyable. One was in fairly remote holiday cottage type location too. My favourite was catered by a guy who’d been a semi finalist in Masterchef and the menu was excellent. They prepared, served and cleared plus bought all ingredients and equipment with them.

Weenurse · 28/08/2023 09:39

Why do men not notice that their parents are ageing and can’t/ don’t want the hassle of cooking big family meals?

FriendsDrinkBook · 28/08/2023 10:01

Good call op. Exh did this on a big birthday , nothing was good enough it seemed. He spent the entire night being miserable in the end so I'm glad you're leaving him to it.

SisterwifesofAUB · 28/08/2023 10:02

At this point, he needs to organise it himself.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 31/08/2023 00:57

You duty to 'the birthday boy' is to give him exactly what he wants- of course.

What every man really wants ... is his own way.

So your special birthday present to him can be completely free choice of restaurant! You are willing to book whatever he chooses. Perfect 🎁

Two birds with one stone thrown😁

LittleMouse10 · 07/11/2023 06:40

I would think that he obviously has an idea of where he wants to go or what he wants and I would say that as I'm not a mind reader or knowledgeable of the area he can tell me where to book or book it himself if his parents can't drive more than 5 miles. Which btw I think is hella unreasonable. 5 miles?!?
It may be his birthday but apparently he doesn't want a surprise and I don't see why a steak restaurant is not suitable.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/11/2023 06:44

after the first two were rejected by him, I think I'd just have asked him to choose somewhere and avoided the drama.

Ilovelurchers · 07/11/2023 06:46

It's a zombie thread. He's already been for his steak and sulk (I assume). X

muchalover · 07/11/2023 06:48

We have a rule in my house. It works for everything. Three suggestions. That's what you get whether it's a meal, film, gift, drink, clothing, anything.

He's had that so you are now absolved of any further input.

RudsyFarmer · 07/11/2023 06:51

why is this your job? He’s a big boy. He can pick up the phone and book a table at a restaurant of his choosing.

piscofrisco · 07/11/2023 07:23

Sit down with him and ask him what he actually does want, given that all your options have been rejected.

Janieforever · 07/11/2023 07:31

Honestly to be fair, I think he’s right, uou can’t book thr restaurant one of them is head chef at, I find it odd you thought that was a good idea, I’d not do that without asking the person or my husband first, or their rival. For obvious reasons

notsure a local steak house cuts it. But if they are so rural that’s all there is in a 5 mile radius then he should accept that.

personally I’d say to him let’s sit down and do this together, and then go through the reviews and agree.

00100001 · 07/11/2023 07:44

The algorithm strikes again.... This thread was started in August...

Holly60 · 07/11/2023 09:00

'Darling, as it's your special day you let me know exactly where you want to eat and at what time, and I'll get on and book it so that you have your dream restaurant on your birthday' and smile sweetly.

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