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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have got one of DS's nails painted?

80 replies

CuddleNinja · 27/08/2023 13:58

Took 3 year old DS with me to get my nails done and actively offered him the opportunity, I usually take older DD but she was doing a sports camp and I always offer her... so it just felt normal for me to offer him. The lady instantly said how we can do 1 nail for him, which is the most popular amongst men and he nodded his head. DH isn't pleased, which honestly annoyed me because we had discussed our parenting decisions way before we had kids and were always on the same wavelength on stuff and he said he would have been all for it, if it was actually DS ASKING and the issue is that I am suggesting things that aren't "usual" at such a young age. He then added that it could have been a "less girly" design... it's a star by the way. Was I unreasonable here? Genuinely want honest answers, as I am just trying to raise my children in the best way and if it was wrong, it was wrong and I will actually take it on board but can't tell if it is me or DH that needs to shift views

OP posts:
Sayitaintso33 · 28/08/2023 09:32

Conkersinautumn · 27/08/2023 21:00

Your DH and his fragile grasp on what masculinity are the issue.

Top womansplaining.

DH might have a better grasp than you of the challenges of being a man particularly one who wears nail varnish. And they probably have increased in a world of phones, selfies and social media.

Many women will find it cute or even groundbreaking when he is three, but when he is 8 most of those women will want him out of their safe spaces.

Very few men wear nail varnish. If your son develops into a man who wants to wear nail varnish then that is his decision to take when he is old enough to defend it/ live with the consequences.

MissingMoominMamma · 28/08/2023 09:35

I know three men (heterosexual; not trans) who wear nail varnish.

I think it’s becoming more of a thing, and why shouldn’t it be?

caringcarer · 28/08/2023 09:37

CuddleNinja · 27/08/2023 14:08

He says he would be very supportive of whatever our kids wanted, but that it needs to come from them and if it doesn't, you don't just automatically offer/buy/do it. He compared it to me buying him a princess dress if he didn't ask, which I admit that I wouldn't do but would if he asked and he agreed that if he asked, it would be okay then and he has always been quite reasonable with these views and we shared the same, hence I am a bit unsure if it was my fault for offering

Show quote history

So he's not being unreasonable he just thinks you are putting ideas into your DC heads. Personally I would not paint nails for any child under 12 whether they asked or not. Once he reaches 5 most schools have a no nail varnish policy but as he's only 3 he escapes this policy.

Sirzy · 28/08/2023 09:40

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 27/08/2023 14:39

I wouldn't have painted a 3yo's nails either to be honest - especially if they hadn't asked for it to be done.

Nothing to do with him being boy (for me, anyway).

I agree with this. For me personally it seems an odd thing to offer to any child.

Locallady2 · 28/08/2023 10:26

I used to paint my sons toenails, he asked for it at 2/3 whenever he saw me painting mine. At 6 he doesn't want them anymore, which is fine by me. His dad never said anything but his paternal grandad didn't like it and made annoying comments.
Anyway, yanbu

HeatherMoores · 28/08/2023 10:29

I wouldn’t have instigated nail painting with any 3 year old but if he had suggested it, it would have been fine.

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2023 10:31

Sirzy · 28/08/2023 09:40

I agree with this. For me personally it seems an odd thing to offer to any child.

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It's an odd thing to offer a child at random, surely if they're with you watching you get yours done it's understandable that you might ask them if they want to try?

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2023 10:33

Sayitaintso33 · 28/08/2023 09:32

Top womansplaining.

DH might have a better grasp than you of the challenges of being a man particularly one who wears nail varnish. And they probably have increased in a world of phones, selfies and social media.

Many women will find it cute or even groundbreaking when he is three, but when he is 8 most of those women will want him out of their safe spaces.

Very few men wear nail varnish. If your son develops into a man who wants to wear nail varnish then that is his decision to take when he is old enough to defend it/ live with the consequences.

Show quote history

Sorry, what's the connection between nail varnish and safe spaces? I don't think the nail salon is a safe space!

And what will he need to 'defend' about wearing nail varnish? What are 'the consequences'?

Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2023 10:37

WeetabixTowels · 27/08/2023 14:06

What does your DH thinks is gonna happen? That’s your son catches the gay?

Im not sure if your DH is sexist, homophobic or both, but I’d see this as a huge red flag

This

pilates · 28/08/2023 10:38

I wouldn't have for any three year old.

It smacks of trying to be a cool mum.

Sirzy · 28/08/2023 10:40

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2023 10:31

It's an odd thing to offer a child at random, surely if they're with you watching you get yours done it's understandable that you might ask them if they want to try?

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Personally I wouldn’t. If they asked fair enough but I don’t see the point in offering it.

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2023 10:40

pilates · 28/08/2023 10:38

I wouldn't have for any three year old.

It smacks of trying to be a cool mum.

Yeah and god forbid you do that.

Nothing worse than trying to have fun with your kids.

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2023 10:42

Sirzy · 28/08/2023 10:40

Personally I wouldn’t. If they asked fair enough but I don’t see the point in offering it.

Show quote history

Isn't the point that they might enjoy it? More so than just sitting watching you get yours done. Nothing more complex than that. Just something to make the day a little more fun and interesting for a three year old.

TheCurtainQueen · 28/08/2023 10:44

You are being unreasonable to take your kids to a nail bar. The fumes are toxic.

RockAndRollerskate · 28/08/2023 10:45

Think I’m missing the issue but how did you get your 3yo boy to sit tidy while you had nails done?!

Can’t say who is reasonable or not here, I don’t think either of you are. My DS (also 3) has asked for his done when I’m painting mine. DH wasn’t keen but wouldn’t stop it if I did paint them. As it was, he’s not asked again. DH wouldn’t be happy if I outright offered either but he wouldn’t stop it

ChaToilLeam · 28/08/2023 10:46

DH needs to get into the 21st century.

It’s a teeny dab of paint, for fun. What on Earth could possibly be wrong with that?

HardcoreLadyType · 28/08/2023 10:47

A star design on a 3yo’s fingernail must be so tiny as to be barely perceptible!

Tell DH to get a grip!

Sorryiexist · 28/08/2023 10:49

I think there's a lot here to unpick.
Firstly, dressing children in gendered clothes is fine. It's not for me but there are certain advantages. Like not having to correct gender a billion times or having robust lasting clothes if a boy or bright easily spotted colours if a girl.

Dressing gender neutral is also fine too. I tend to opt for this, but I do have some dresses for my girls and interest clothes for my boys(why is it always bloody vehicles! But that's what they like)

I would dress either in a princess dress if they asked for it and have that available as a dressing up option.

But I wouldn't put my boys in frilly or a dress clothes. Pink girls clothes fine. Cute animals. Fine. Cut for a girl or dress. No.

The reason being is twofold. Firstly I think it's important for males and females to be able to see that they can like gendered things if they want. That a princessy girl is not lesser for example. I do want all clothes to be practical and comfortable so tend to shy away from boys and frills anyway.

But also, I can't expect my child to lead the way and be a target for bullying because I think things should be for everyone. That's for adults to do. So my husband is happy to wear a pink t shirt and is leading the way with that so am comfortable for my son to do so. We don't think it's fair for children to lead the revolution.

With nail varnish I don't really wear it much. I wouldn't suggest it to any of my children and whilst if my son asked for it i would allow it, I'd not actively make him to prove a point.

Also, me and husband are very clear that boys can't change sex if in proximity to sparkles. Many parents sadly push gender nonconformity on children then insist they are trans. I'd hope this wasn't the case as not conforming to stereotypes is fine for children.

Hellostrawberries · 28/08/2023 11:02

Well it's kind of a non issue because he's 3. Barely out of being a toddler and likes shiny stars, who cares. But the fact that you suggested it sounds like you were trying to prove a point. And these threads always bring our posters queuing up to show how cool they are, and how anyone who disagrees is homophobic / transphobic / a dinosaur or whatever. Meanwhile back in the real world, women and girls have nail art. Men and boys on the whole don't.

RudsyFarmer · 28/08/2023 11:06

The only reason I’d say no is the chemicals.

zingally · 28/08/2023 11:49

I wouldn't have necessarily offered my 3yo some nail-painting, unless he actively asked. But I don't see the problem with it!

DuplicateUserName · 28/08/2023 11:56

CuddleNinja · 27/08/2023 14:24

I wish the ones selecting that I am being unreasonable could actually write a reply

It could be because this thread and 100s like it have been done to death on MN, and you know you're not being unreasonable?

Just a guess, or perhaps some people think kids shouldn't be getting their nails done/wearing makeup?

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2023 12:05

Hellostrawberries · 28/08/2023 11:02

Well it's kind of a non issue because he's 3. Barely out of being a toddler and likes shiny stars, who cares. But the fact that you suggested it sounds like you were trying to prove a point. And these threads always bring our posters queuing up to show how cool they are, and how anyone who disagrees is homophobic / transphobic / a dinosaur or whatever. Meanwhile back in the real world, women and girls have nail art. Men and boys on the whole don't.

Really? You can't ask your male child if they want to join in without 'trying to prove a point'?

I agree it's currently most common for women/girls to paint their nails, but surely it should be an equal access past time? I mean everyone has nails don't they....just because it has traditionally been one way doesn't mean that's either good or the way it needs to stay.

If Mumsnet had been around 100 years ago they'd have been saying the same thing about a girl wearing trousers....but you wouldn't raise an eyebrow about that now would you? Wouldn't see a girl in jeans and accuse her mum of trying to 'prove a point'?

Balloonhearts · 28/08/2023 12:42

He's being a bit daft. The kid's 3. Far too young to give a shit about gender stereotypes. It's brightly coloured and kids like stars. It's just a bit of fun, don't make DHs hangups his problem.

Brieandcamembert · 28/08/2023 14:41

I know this isn't the modern thinking and I'm considered an awful human but I dont like boys with long hair and nails painted. I do gender dress my children.

However, I have no distinction with toys, activities etc. They all climb trees, enjoy cars but I do like boys to look like boys and girls to look feminine.