To agree that DH should reduce maintenance

[Tiamaria86]

I have a DSD. We previously had her 2-3 nights a week in general. Sometimes it was more and sometimes less.

Her Mum has decided to retrain in a different career and this has meant late nights and early starts so we now have DSD more like 4-5 nights a week.

DSD has her own room with us and has friends round and we take her to all her hobbies and clubs etc.

DH pays for half her uniform and we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.

DH has approached DSD mum and suggested that maintenance shouldn't be paid anymore. He's happy to go half's on anything she needs as well as continue to buy her things but really monthly maintenance is no longer appropriate.

DSD mum doesn't agree and is really shocked he has suggested this as we are a 2 income household and she will really struggle without it.

DH has suggested paying a lesser amount for now as a transition period which I think is really reasonable. DSD mum is really unhappy about it and can't even believe its been suggested.

My PILs also think DH is unreasonable and should continue to pay.

Am I going mad? Maintenance isn't appropriate in these circumstances is it? Or are we wrong?

I agree.

The mother is also still receiving child benefit and UC top ups, despite the fact that she’s not having the child as often as the dad.

I say this as someone who receives maintenance from their ex - in your shoes I would get H to offer half which is incredibly generous, and if ex wife says no then let it go to the Child Maintenance Service. If he is effectively resident parent then she might end up owing him. Is it fair? No. But thems the rules.

It's not petty to expect an adult to support herself. She's had at least 10 years since the divorce to sort herself out.

So weary of this notion that single mums are a special class that needs to be coddled by everyone else.

Exactly.

It’s petty that it bothers the OP enough for her to start a thread about it. The maintenance is between the biological parents, obviously the stepmum is resentful of paying it. The child still lives at the mum’s house for some of the week and unless the single parent is now out-earning the dad and stepmum I just think it’s petty to want to stop maintenance.

Honestly we're not petty people. We've all bobbed along fine for years with next to no issues. I certainly wouldn't want to see DSD or her Mum disadvantaged. I quite like the woman and think good on her for taking the leap.

Just all things considered something probably does need to change. I haven't gone too deeply into finances but we are getting quite stretched. We're not on the breadline but we do have to think about what is best for everybody and that includes our other kids as well.

As said earlier I think DH needs to have another conversation with her and try to get to a solution.

Would you say the same if it was a dad who was retraining and giving up the majority of his time with his child?

Yes it does. Legally it is based on how many nights the child spends with a parent.

I was going to say the same. All the people saying he should keep paying her as times are hard and she’s short of money etc. When DSD is an adult, leaves home and gets a job, should he still be paying his ex money, because times are hard and she’s short of money?! Maintenance is designed to even up the costs of caring for a child, it’s not about making life fair between 2 people who used to be a couple.

I would imagine that since the dc was 3yrs the ex has been doing most of the care for dsd. Getting up in the nights, working for minimal wage and neglecting her pension.
Maintenance tends to be fairly low.
I think perhaps your dh should pay full cms for 3 months, then 75% for 2 months and then 50% for the time being.

The best thing for dsd is two happy parents who can co parent without any aggravation.
Sometimes what’s legally right and what’s for the best are two different things.

OP and her DH are not well off, you thinking they’re ‘petty’ quite arrogantly dismisses this.

And this isn’t just between the exs, OP says ‘we buy her clothes and trainers and electronics etc.’, so she is affected by her DH paying maintenance that he doesn’t owe as well, because it takes money out of their household.

Look, I’m the first to deplore dads who don’t pay for their kidd, but this isn’t one of those situations. The ex is getting the child benefit, likely UC top ups too, as well as OP and her DH buying DSD’s clothes, trainers and electronics. Ex will also be spending a lot less on food and days out and activities.

I would imagine that since the dc was 3yrs the ex has been doing most of the care for dsd. Getting up in the nights, working for minimal wage and neglecting her pension.

Except that's not what's been happening.

The ex has always worked full-time, and the OP and her DH have been the ones to work flexible hours in order to accommodate drop-offs and pick-ups.

They can of course absolutely go there if that’s what they want to do. But it will probably completely ruin their co-parenting relationship, ruin the mums chances of finishing her training, and negatively impact the dsd. If they desperately need the money then they have the right to go for it if they continue to have dsd more. But it doesn’t sound as though this is the angle the OP and her DH are going down. But stopping or at the very least reducing the maintenance is absolutely not unreasonable.

I would absolutely stop maintenance and point out I am doing her a favour by not claiming it from her.
It does sound like dsd's mum has had it relatively easy compared to most, especially if your husband has been doing pick ups/drop offs etc and now she is panicking that the gravy train is coming to an end.
I am willing to bet if the maintenance stops she will drop the training like a hot potato and keep dsd with her most of the time.

This plus shes probably on a reduced wage if any if training

Its tough, OP. I'm assuming DSDs mum has gone to uni to study nursing or something similar? So that would be for 3 years. Come qualifying, she could always get flexi hours or a community post. So for the next 3 years, you'll have to work out some sort of compromise.

If it is nursing then the course is 50% theory (where she would be in uni between 9-4/5) and 50% placement, which is when she would be doing shift work. So would she be having DSD full time during the months that she's at uni doing theory? Or would it revert back to her having DSD 5 nights a week?

Has mum origunally cut her cloth to fit ie her mortgage/rent, bills etc and to lower the maintenance would mean that they would need to downsize? In which case, it would affect DSD.

I think for the 3 years, you might just need to suck it up, especially if mum is going to be having DSD full time in the non placement months. As even though they split when DSD was really young, mum will have taken time out of her job/career for maternity leave and perhaps part time when DSD was very little? Maintenence could be revisited once she has qualified.

Then she should have thought about before reducing her household income as a single parent, surely?

Lots of people don't quit work and re-train precisely because they can't afford it - and that's as a dual income household. She's taken a massive risk to do that as a single parent with no other means of support.

I agree. She's had a decade to figure it out. Most parents of young children work.

Expecting an ex from 10 years ago to financially support her is bizarre. Perhaps she'll need to downsize or otherwise cut her cloth.

I would absolutely stop maintenance and point out I am doing her a favour by not claiming it from her.

This. Her reaction is really entitled - your income doesn't come into it at all.

You don't need to 'imagine' it's right there in the OP's updates. Not only she did she work an FT job but she also had help with drop-offs and pick-ups so if she did earn minimum wage it's all due to her personal choice of qualifications and job pre-DC. Nothing to do with OP and her DH.

Also you don't even know how much maintenance OP's DH has been paying, may be much more than the CMS amount. With the amount of things they buy outright (clothes and electronics) for example... you might find that the ex is actually paying for very little of the extras.

Why 'not go there' when they have his child more than 50% of the time? A woman expects support from the other parent, why shouldn't a man? The OP being a 2 income household is irrelevant, it isn't her child to support.

I also think you should ask CMS and officially decide who is the primary carer.
I always feel there is an underlying note of cruelty in these posts - it’s their child fgs. He should be happy to pay and also ensure her mum is not some run ragged woman which I suspect she is. There’s always an element of keeping the single parent in a tough place which I think is horrible. You said you can afford to pay - I personally think you should just continue paying it. If you are primary carers officially then you could rethink it but her mum clearly needs more support.

Nasty post. Maybe read OP’s updates before you comment full of assumptions.

But why should they support an adult? Child support is for the child and they have her more often. I don't see why they need to support the mother. She's an adult who can make her own money.