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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is on purpose?

114 replies

amisrong · 27/08/2023 10:04

DP and I have been together for two years. Last year he forgot my birthday. He apologised, bought me two things the next day but it was pretty rubbish. My birthday is on Tuesday and I know that as of right now, DP hasn't gotten me anything. I'm certain he forgot that it was so soon but yesterday I think his daughter mentioned it to him. Since then, DP has been in a massive grump with me with no explanation- I'm pretty much getting the silent treatment and yesterday when we were going to bed, he suggested I sleep in the guest room (I didn't). I've tried talking to him, but he's just ignoring me, won't look at me etc. AIBU to think that the reason he's behaving like this is to set a tone in which he will be in some way excused for making no effort for my birthday? I'm actually not well right now and he's being so cold.

OP posts:

Original poster

amisrong · 28/08/2023 07:37

He was in a bit of a better mood when he went to bed but I'm quite unwell today, I am pretty confident I will be unwell tomorrow given that I'm feeling worse each day, so if he does forget then that will be monumentally rubbish.

OP posts:

crossstitchingnana · 28/08/2023 07:38

Sounds like it's the illness OP. So many men seem to find their partners being ill a trigger for them to become an arsehole. It's always, and I mean ALWAYS got to be about them.

amiold · 28/08/2023 07:54

@amisrong surely if his daughter has reminded him he won't pull the I forgot card ? Two year running?

You should plan something nice for yourself if you're up to it. Drop the kids at school and do something you'd like to do. I think if he continues to make you feel shit you should leave him but I know that's easier said than done. If he stays, you forget his birthday.

As for asking you to leave the bed... strange. The only times we do that is when I want to suffocate my partner for snoring (my choice to leave I'm not asked) or my partner has got in the other bed because he's aware he's keeping me awake or when he was unwell (I was pregnant). It's not normal to suggest your partner sleeps elsewhere or give you the silent treatment for an unknown reason. It's all games

LightSpeeds · 28/08/2023 08:02

Blimey, is he two years old. Why are you putting up with such shitty treatment. Just leave the idiot.

letstrythatagain · 28/08/2023 08:06

I find this so sad 😔. Why put up with such an uncaring attitude from him.

grumpycow1 · 28/08/2023 08:08

I don’t get why you are ignoring all the advice to leave him? Genuinely, if he is being this horrible to you (for whatever reason) why are you with him? Why let him get away with it?

KitBumbleB · 28/08/2023 08:23

He will blame the illness tomorrow. You will be unreasonable for expecting him to go out and shop when he has been so unwell(!)

Or he couldn't shop because he will too sick to go out and you would snoop on Amazon so no point.

Or he couldn't go out and shop because he was too busy taking care of you(!)

Or he didn't forget but you did xyz and that upset him so he didn't buy anything.

Or he will bravely soldier out to the shop today and get something basic which will be thrown at you tomorrow whilst he coughs and groans and goes back to bed sick.

Ponoka7 · 28/08/2023 08:24

You need to leave him. Does your Mum take your kids out to get you anything, a cake etc? It's a terrible example that they are being shown. It's my DPs birthday today. He's still asleep. He hasn't long come out of hospital, I've genuinely haven't had time to buy anything. What I've ordered hasn't turned up. So I went to the local shopping centre yesterday and got birthday banners/balloons, I've put them up. We usually wouldn't bother (he's 56), but the lack of main present meant that I wanted to. I've got more expensive body sprays/deodorants than he'd usually buy and a M&S apple pie, nice custard. He isn't a cake person. His personalised, themed card (I always get one to match the box set we are watching) did come. It isn't difficult to put something together. Cards don't have to be bought the week before, they can be put away. There's no excuse.

HeatherMoores · 28/08/2023 08:28

How odd. If his daughter has reminded him the other day there was plenty of time for him to nip out and get a card and something. Unless you live in the sticks.

He doesn’t sound like a nice person and it doesn’t sound like a good relationship at all sorry.

PriamFarrl · 28/08/2023 09:09

In his slight defence, you know he’s in a bad mood and you suspect he’s not done anything for your birthday. However, it could be that he has done something and the mood is a coincidence.

Original poster

amisrong · 28/08/2023 09:19

@PriamFarrl I haven't told him that I don't think he's done anything.

He's in a bit of a better mood this morning.

OP posts:

cushioncovers · 28/08/2023 09:37

Op you aren't responding to any advice. I know it's hard to face reality but you really should take a step back and look at your relationship as a whole.

Original poster

amisrong · 28/08/2023 09:44

@cushioncovers I know that you're right, I guess I'm waiting to see how tomorrow pans out.

OP posts:

savethatkitty · 28/08/2023 10:05

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds a Peach.

Checkcurtains · 28/08/2023 10:10

He sounds quite rubbish OP but I've got to say I find buying people good presents extremely stressful. I want to get them something good I just go blank. Some people are naturally intuitive and get great presents, that makes me feel even worse.

Not trying to excuse him but maybe he's upset because he's so rubbish at presents.

cushioncovers · 28/08/2023 10:16

But he could always ask op what she would like for her birthday. Also suggesting a takeaway or a meal at a restaurant she likes is simple enough. A few moonpig flowers? None of that is hard work.

R4ID · 28/08/2023 10:19

amisrong · 27/08/2023 11:34

I've tried speaking to him but he's actively avoiding me. To be honest, I'm not bothered about presents but, if he does forget, it's the lack of thought. Is it possible that now if he 'forgets', he doesn't have an excuse as his daughter spoke to him about it yesterday and he's in a mood about that? Or am I massively overthinking this?

Yes wait and see what happens on
your birthday. He didn’t just shut you off and go to the spare room he said he didn’t feel well? If he is giving you the silent treatment make it very clear you will not tolerate that behaviour and don’t give him another chance.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 28/08/2023 10:19

Think you are right op and l would ask outright why he is being so hostile towards you

Confusedmeanderings · 28/08/2023 11:34

pikkumyy77 · 28/08/2023 12:54

You don’t have to be a weatherman to see the way the wind blows.

DimOGwbl · 29/08/2023 08:49

Happy birthday OP 💜

gamerchick · 29/08/2023 09:28

Happy birthday OP. Hope you're on the mend.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/08/2023 09:32

Happy birthday! I do hope you have a lovely day

cushioncovers · 29/08/2023 09:40

Happy birthday op. Hope you have a great day.

takealettermsjones · 29/08/2023 09:46

Happy birthday!

(Waiting to see whether the "D" P came up trumps or not 👀)

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